Life-After

by J. A. Laraque

  There was no odor or remains, nothing was left of the girl’s body, it was as if she never existed. It turned and slowly walked toward me, I was next. I wondered if it wanted me to see her die. Though we never saw any emotion in the enemy even with the death of its comrades, we had to believe they could feel pain, loss. There has to be an emotion to war, if you cannot feel anything when you take a life then you have no business taking it. If nothing else, we needed to believe there was some reason for them attacking us. It not only made it easier to continue fighting, but it gave us a strange sense of meaning. We could never except that we were just vermin to be exterminated.

  My remaining energy was draining from my body. I refused to lose consciousness. I wanted to see my end coming. I had failed to save the girl. I would not fail to die like a soldier. My hand slowly crept up the side of my body. Across my chest five grenades sat attached to a dead man’s pin. We called in Final Vengeance. Once the stories of our enemies’ tactics spread across the core we began outfitting everyone with five grenades attached to a single pull pin. You could detach each grenade separately and use them in battle or if you were seriously injured, they served a secondary purpose.

  Fight or die was not just a saying. It was who we were and what we did. One way or another if we became injured we would end up dead. No one wanted to die in a field hospital no matter how good Alpha Medical doctors were they could not save many. It was Fabian Vegan that first used Final Vengeance. It was after his death we learned that five grenades could do the job. Since then many have preformed Final Vengeance and every one of their names was recorded. As it stood over me I was ready to join them.

  As it raised its hand over me my thoughts turned to my wife. The green light from its hand shined across my face, the time was at hand. There were no final words. I just briefly closed my eyes to see her face one last time. My hand gripped the pin and with a final motion I pulled it. It did not react to the pins falling from the grenades, it did not matter soon both it and I would be dead. I did not know what would come next. I had seen enough. All I wanted to do is see the face of my beloved Clara and apologize that I could not have avenged her more.

  1

  It was not taboo to talk about death in the service. From day one we were told the war would bring nothing but death and that we should be prepared to embrace it. During the final days of the war my squad would joke about how dying before the treaty was signed would be a horrible twist of fate. One of the younger privates did not find the jokes funny. The others just laughed at him, but I found myself thinking about how he must have felt.

  Seven days later it was I holding him in my arms feeling the warmth of his blood running through my fingers. No one was laughing then, no one else was there. Our convoy was attacked on its way back to base. I only survived because I was sitting behind our hover seeker. Its reinforced armor protected me. Davis was not so lucky. Even as I dragged his body from the wreckage I knew he would not make it, but I would not have left him there.

  His eyes stared up to me with a question. As he began to speak, I wanted to tell him to be quiet, to save his strength. However, I knew whatever he was about to say was most likely to be his last words. I strained to listen. He spoke softly with a gurgle. At first I believed he was going to ask me to deliver a message to his family, but what he asked should not have surprised me.

  He wanted to know what death was like. Perhaps he believed because of my time in the field I had some insight. I had nothing to tell him. I had seen death hundreds of times even in my short tour, but any answer I could give him would have served no purpose. I lied to him. I told him you would feel cold at first, but then slowly feel a warmth come over you. He tried to smile pleased with my words so I continued. I told him from the darkness you would see a white light, but it would not be blinding. The light would be soft and would guide him home to all the loved ones he had lost.

  I did not believe any of it. As I laid there with my eyes closed I could still feel the coldness of the ground beneath me. Time seamed to freeze and my thoughts of Clara stopped as I wondered what had happened. My first question to myself was did the explosives fail? Even so, I thought if that was the case then the enemy’s blast would have finished me. I did not want to open my eyes. I did not want to give it the satisfaction of looking into them. There was something abnormal. Though I could feel the ground I could not smell the charred remains of the city around me.

  I could not wait any longer. I slowly inched my eyes open expecting to see it hovering over me, waiting. What I opened my eyes to was nothing, complete darkness. It was then that I realized the coldness surrounding me had faded. The pain from the blast was wiped from my body and though I could still feel my presence I could feel nothing else. I had to ponder, was I dead or perhaps in a coma?

  The military provided a wide variety of religious outlets for its service men. I never truly believed in any specific religion, but I was not foolish enough to just dismiss it as fantasy. Many of the men and women in my unit believed in the Trinity. They believed there was a link between animal, man and God though his life energy that flowed through all living things. My scout, Luis spoke to me at length about it. He believed that everything we were existed in this life energy or what some called a soul. I remember him telling me that it could never be destroyed and would pass on to the afterlife to be rejoined with God.

  I listened because that was what you did when someone spoke to you. While I did not push his words away I did not give it much though either. Believing in an afterlife when the chances you were going to die were high was almost par for the course in the military. Even when the meteor was discovered, I did not turn toward God for help. Then again I did not turn to the scientists either. The only time I considered the possibility of an afterlife was after Clara died. I had to believe. To think that her light was extinguished to never shine again would be too much to bear. I fought to avenge her and a part of me hoped I would see her again.

  As I sat up I almost expected to awaken to discover this was all a dream. I also thought of the possibility that I was captured by the enemy, but there was no evidence that they ever took prisoners. There was no way to tell where I was. There was no light anywhere, in fact I could not even feel the air and yet I could breathe normally. It was the kind of darkness you would experience in your nightmares. It was thick and yet with no specific texture or feeling to it. The darkness surrounded me. It felt as if it was closing in around me.

  My thoughts were all I had and once again they turned to death and the afterlife. It was my grandfather that told me that at the moment of your death was the time your life came under review. He said it was a time to look back on your life and see what you have accomplished and what was left undone. I wondered if that was what I was experiencing. Was I to reflect on my life and if so to what purpose? I told Davis that you would see your loved ones when you died. A self-evaluating man would say that I had said that because I hoped it was true. Standing there in the darkness if I was to reflect it would only be on Clara.

  After thinking about her daily, seeing her face whenever I closed my eyes, I thought back on a time when I was too timid to ask her to marry me. On the battlefield I took charge and kept my fear in check, but when it came to expressing my feelings for the woman I loved I was left speechless. With every fiber of my being I wanted to propose to her, to let her know I wanted to be with her forever. A part of me almost turned away. I could not have imagined my life without her and I almost walked away. Finally after far too much procrastinating I gathered to courage to ask for her hand.

  As my thoughts about Clara continued the darkness surrounding me began to fade. Slowly, as if coming out of a coma I could hear the distance sounds of people talking. At first I believed I was awaking from whatever had happened to me, but as the darkness faded further and the voices became clearer I soon recognized where I was. It was not just the sounds that were familiar, I could smell it. The distinct smell of food permeated from all around me. I did not dare
to rub my eyes even as impossible as the image before me seemed. There from total darkness a world from my past was coming into view.

  Third City in New Chicago was Clara’s favorite restaurant. It was a single circular room fifty feet in the air overlooking Lake Daily. Every table had a window view and the room rotated so you would have a panoramic view of the city. It was in that restaurant that I asked Clara to marry me.

  Watching a place from my past appear before me should have raised every red flag I had. My thoughts had just been on proposing to Clara and a restaurant long destroyed appeared before my eyes. It should have bothered me, but it did not. I was happy to see it because I knew I would see her.

  The small circular wooden tables had the same black silk tablecloth on them. I could see clearly now. I was standing just outside the elevator in the center of the restaurant. It did not feel like a dream, I was there. I could make out many of the conversations of the people in the packed restaurant. Even the warmth from the nearby candles was felt on my skin. If I was creating everything then I was a master at my craft.

  The mistrusting and questioning side of me was pushed away. I had accepted the place I was in and with the sound of classical music coming from the piano I realized when I was as well. I took three steps across the crimson colored carpet and there it was. The sent parted the air clearing away all others. It was the smell of her perfume. Dead or dreaming, my heart began to race as I felt goose bumps spring up across my skin.

  It led me to her, toward the table where we sat that night. Standing near a large column I prepared myself. I felt nervous, like a young man on his first date. No, it was deeper than that. It was how I felt the night I carried the velvet covered box in my left pant pocket. I leaned around the column. I wanted to catch a glimpse of her before she saw me.

  With only a glance into her ocean blue eyes the pain of losing her was washed away. Part of me wanted to just stand there and watch her sip from her glass of water, waiting for me to arrive. Clara wore the red dress I bought her on our one month anniversary. She would wear it on special occasions or just to set my heart on fire.

  The shoulder-less dress showed off her hourglass figure and satin white skin. I could see she was thinking of me wondering why I asked her there. Running the tip of her finger across the rim of the glass was her tell. Watching her press her lips to the glass when she took a drink sent a flash of warmth though my body. In an instant I was thrown back to when I truly loved someone and was truly loved. It did not matter if these events had already played out. I was willing to repeat them again and again until the end of time.

  I did not want to wait anymore. I was ready to approach her when a thought occurred to me. I reached down towards my left hand pant pocket and realized I was still dressed in my uniform. There was no velvet covered box, nothing that I had that day. A wave of panic came over me. The world before me felt so real and yet me, the person in that world was from a different time. I could not understand why I would be placed at that place, at that time, but not as that me.

  She lifted her head from the table and stared toward me. My body froze. I was unsure of what to do next. It may have been obvious, but it was one thing to approach Clara as my past self to relive what I knew. What I was faced with was explaining my presence at that moment. I did not know what to say to her. I wondered if I should tell her the truth and would she believe me or become angered thinking it was a prank.

  There was no time to continue thinking. I stepped out from behind the column. Clara smiled, her bright eyes welcoming me to her. I felt relieved as I opened my mouth to speak to her when everything went black for a moment throwing me off balance. I staggered backwards to see someone in front of me walking toward Clara. A strange sensation flowed through my body and at the time I did not understand what it was.

  I refocused my eyes on Clara. The man leaned over kissing her on the lips. A rage came over me as I watched this man with Clara. As he sat down I saw his hand reach down to his left pant pocket then go inside. It hit me like truck. In that instant I realized who the man was. It was me.

  “You love to keep me waiting, don’t you?” Clara said to what I now knew was the younger me. “So, you call me and tell me to dress up and come out here. Just tell me what did you buy?”

  My feelings switched as I listened to her speak to him. It made me realize that I must have been relieving that day, but as an observer. It was clear that I had no true presence there. As far as everyone else was concerned I did not exist. The David sitting at the table with Clara was a recording from my past. I could not alter it, I could only watch. That did not settle well with me. I was willing to relive that moment as a participant. However, to watch it unfold like a fly on the wall was not what I was hoping for.

  “What makes your think I bought something? Oh, yes. I remember. Last time we came here it was because of that gadget I bought.”

  Listing to ones words is like reading ones writing. It never sounds right to you. All I wanted to do was grab hold of Clara and never let go, but even without trying I knew it was not possible. It shammed me a little to feel the way I did at the time. There I was standing before the woman I loved and watching one of the happiest moments of my life, but since I was only watching, the moment felt diminished. Considering all the death and destruction I had been surrounded by, it should have been paradise. However, to me, at that moment, it was nothing more than a sad memory.

  I could do nothing but wonder what would come next, not what my younger self would do, but what would become of me. What would happen with the David I was watching would unfold the same way it did that night. I danced around the subject of my purchase. She was correct that I began to use our restaurant as a way to soothe over rough patches in our relationship. Love is not perfect and ours had its issues, but in the end it made us stronger and brought us closer together.

  “Is that what you call it?” Clara said sarcastically. “That stupid holographic history pad you spent a week’s pay on never worked right and when it did was totally useless.”

  “Yes, it did not work right all the time, but when it did it was pretty awesome, being able to relive our history with three dimensional holograms. I still say it was a great buy and not stupid.”

  It was completely stupid. Listening to those words come out of my mouth almost caused me to laugh. I did some foolish things back then and yet Clara took them in stride. I was more nervous than anything. Part of me was afraid she would say no and the other half was afraid of her saying yes.

  Clara just smiled and shook her head. She was preparing herself for me to give her some story about something I purchased. I knew exactly what was coming next of course and watched as my younger self took a long drink from his glass then looked into her eyes. I had thought about what I wanted to say for weeks and had originally planned to tell her after dinner, but I could not wait any longer.

  “Clara, during the war many of the soldiers would speak to me about their wives or girlfriends. When everything went wrong they said they would pull though because of the thought of going home to them. I remember my sergeant asking me what I had to go home to. I never answered him. I knew I had nothing. No family, no real friends. I fought only to survive because to me, death would be failure. I had nothing else.

  There were others like me who when the war ended went home to empty houses. They had a nickname for us, hollows. I was ready to accept that I would spend my life alone. Things were different after the war and my continued service was all I thought I had to look forward to. That was until that day in Union Hall.”

  Union Hall was not just the place where the treaty was signed. After the fighting stopped there was still much negotiating to do. Bringing the world together was a daunting task and the only thing the factions could agree upon was the meeting location. I could have taken leave before being assigned to Naxum Research, but there was no reason for me to do so. Taking a guard posting to most combat soldiers would be degrading. I found it peaceful and interesting at the sa
me time.

  I learned a lot about the peace process and heard a lot more conversations than I should have. It was several weeks of watching the same people come and go. We were a large team tasked with protecting the dignitaries. There were plenty of chances for social interaction, but I stayed focused on my job. That was why that day, when she approached me, it caught me completely off guard.

  “I did not even see you approach.” I watched myself continue retelling the story, reliving it with every word. “Out of all the guards on duty, I never understood why you chose me. When you offered me a cup of water I could only wonder why.”

  “You looked thirsty.” Clara responded in jest with a beautiful smile across her face.

  What I did not tell Clara until months later was that I had seen her before. I could not lie and say that I thought about her every day, but when I saw her arriving every morning carrying her stack of papers looking so determined, I could not help but smile. I never thought about approaching her. Perhaps I was scared, but I told myself it would not be professional. When she approached me I wondered if she was aware when I would look at her. Honestly, it did not matter. I was glad she made the first move.

  “When you handed me the water and I touched your hand I thought to myself, you better not let this one walk away. There was a kindness about you that made me feel at ease.”

  “You had a look about you.” Clara said reaching across the table touching the top of his hand. I was actually jealous of myself, wishing I could feel her touch again. “Most of the other soldiers looked…well they looked hardened. You, well, you looked lost.”

  I was lost and the nick name, hollow, did fit me to a tee. All I had was my duty and though I did not wish to be back at war, the time just standing there watching people go by allowed far too much time to reflect on a life I was not happy with. I had nothing and when Clara approached me I knew she was the one that would fill the void in my life.