Life-After

by J. A. Laraque

  “You gave me everything, Clara and I know at times I have not been there for you. When you spend your life expecting to be alone it is hard to accept that you are truly in love. I almost took the water from you that day and walked away, but I knew if I did that I would regret it for the rest of my life. I didn’t even believe in concepts such as love at first sight. I don’t know what to tell you, it was like we had to be together and there was no other option.”

  She briefly closed her eyes. Her cheeks became redder as she pressed her lips tighter together making a smile. She was on the brink of tears. He knew that then as I remembered it at that moment. I could have closed my eyes and seen the same scene play out, but I wanted to watch. Taking the velvet covered box from his pocket I remembered my hand shaking even though by the time I had stood from the table I had forced myself calm. I watched him drop to his knees. I found myself copying his actions. Clara’s eyes widened as tears began to stream from them.

  “I want to say I’m sorry, Clara. Sorry for being so closed in with my feelings. Sorry for taking so long to tell you I loved you. Sorry for every time I couldn’t make you smile. You have given me so much and all I can give you in return is my heart.”

  I had never spoken words like that to anyone. Those words I did not rehearse. They came from a place I knew little about, but they were real and Clara knew that. As he opened the box the room became silent, people from the other tables took notice. Back then, as far as I was concerned it was just her and I, alone in the moment. Everything had come to that moment and I wanted to make it one to remember.

  “Clara, after being around so much pain, so much death, you have given me a peace I thought I could never find. The feeling of true love that I did not believe I would ever know and a partner I promise I will never leave behind. I am already yours, forever. Will you marry me and be mine?”

  Clara was the outspoken one while I was quiet. She would be open with her emotions while I would keep mine locked away. That night, she was struck speechless. Almost falling out of her seat she wrapped her arms around me. Even watching the moment I could feel the warmth of her touch. Her kiss was like no other that night, it felt as if we had frozen that moment. Breaking the silence she whispered in my ear the word that changed my life forever.

  “Yes.”

  I found myself crying. I had not shed a tear since the day the meteor fell. I lowered my head for a moment when I noticed everything around me was darkening. In a panic I began looking around, watching reality slowly fade into the darkness. I screamed out Clara’s name reaching out to her, but my hand passed right through her. It was just as I feared. I was nothing more than a ghost, witnessing my past. That chapter had come to an end and the darkness was the curtain fall. There was nothing I could do but stand there and embraced my return to the shadows.

  Surrounded once again in darkness I was not even allowed to grieve on the loss of my happiest memory. The darkness brought with it a chill that coursed through my body. I felt as if I was dying. I pondered if that memory was my gateway leading me to my afterlife. I asked myself if it was a dream to prepare me for what was to come next, but what I wanted to know was what dream would come. Would I be allowed to experience more pleasure or was pain all that remained for me?

  A bright sphere of light in the distance was the beginning of my answer. I could not move. All I could do was watch it expand out toward me. I felt like a deer caught in headlights except as the closer the light came toward me, the calmer I felt. The light washed away the darkness and bathed me in its warmth. Soon the light had completely surrounded me. It began as a soft white then slowly began to brighten until it blinded me.

  I felt a sensation come over me. It freed me allowing me to walk forward. No, it coaxed me forward like a shepherd leading a stray sheep back to the flock. As I walked forward I could smell something, it was faint at first, but as I continued forward it became clear. It was freshly cut grass and the warmth surrounded me became familiar, it was the sun. I could only think that I was entering heaven and then in the distance I saw my angel. She was shimmering white and though I could not make out her face I could feel it was her. I had stepped through the gate into paradise and been rewarded with the only person I wanted to see.

  “Clara…” I gasped out afraid I could be wrong but praying I was right.

  “Yes, David.” Clara said reaching out to me. “I’ve been waiting for you. Take my hand, you’re home now.”

  2

  While not the main reason, what came to be known as the global war began over resources. In the beginning it was energy, in time even food became scarce. The eastern union was formed because the larger countries stopped sending aid to the smaller ones. It was like being part of a big family versus being alone. These smaller countries had many differences, but when you cannot feed your people you become much more willing to make concessions.

  Once the eastern union was formed many other smaller countries around the planet banded together for survival. At first the larger nations paid them little mind; however, a thousand small cuts can kill and that is what the larger nations feared. They did not care that these small countries just wanted to survive. Their concern was their combined military strength and strategic importance.

  In the end the two largest nations absorbed the smaller unions fighting amongst each other for control. I came from one of those smaller nations. The parent nation, as it came to be known, was not always kind when taking over acquired territory. My nation did not want to be part of a union or a parent nation. We had been self-sufficient for centuries. We had no need for outside aid and had more than enough energy and natural resources for our people.

  When the alliance was formed, my nation was part of their claimed western territory. They sent soldiers to our capital to force our government to join. When the government refused, the alliance troops invaded and took over. We, and when I say we I mean my great grandparents, fought against the troops and though they prolonged the takeover it was only a matter of time. As more and more citizens were slaughtered the people decided fighting against the future was no longer worth it. My grandparents never had the chance to learn that lesson.

  By the time my parents had me the alliance government had forced all its citizens to enlist to fight against the federation. Refusing to fight for the side that killed their parents they fled, but they did not take me with them.

  I grew up as an orphan and was ostracized as a child because of my parent’s desertion. Many accused them of joining the federation, calling them traitors. Though I learned the truth of their past I could not forgive them for what they did. Perhaps that is why I had no issue in joining the military. I always needed a reason for what I did and I always found one.

  I stretched my hand out desperately trying to reach Clara. Though I still could not make out her face I could feel it was her. There was an energy shining off of her body. It was just as bright as the light surrounding me, but it was soft and comforting.

  Just as my finger tips reached hers she turned and walked forward disappearing into the light. I ran forward desperate to follow her. A fear came over me as I believed my only chance to be with her was slipping away. Like a lost child, I had to find her and threw myself into the light.

  Again there was a sensation that ran though me. This one was different. While I had accepted that I had died what I had not considered was what the afterlife would in tale. I had never been a dreamer. Even my thoughts of Clara after her death were grounded in reality. I may have wished to see her again, but I never expected it. It was the same with death. I knew it would come and there would be something next, but what that “next” would be was never defined within my mind.

  I felt as if my forward progress had come to a stop. The blinding white light surrounding me intensified. When I watched Clara in the restaurant I felt as if I still had a physical body. It was not until my younger self passed through me that I realized I was nothing more than a spirit. However, the light that coursed through me felt
warm as if I had skin and vibrated through me as if energizing me with its power.

  It felt as if I was hanging in space being scanned before being allowed entry. The ground beneath me was gone and I could do nothing but wait. It felt like an eternity, though I had no concept of time I knew it could not have been more than a few seconds. To me, being so close to the only woman I ever loved and to have her turn away at the last moment was torture. I was frustrated by whatever was happening to me and wanted it to end so I could find her.

  Slowly the vibrating came to a stop and abruptly I fell to the ground. It was then that it all came back to me. I could feel the warmth of the sun of my back and grass beneath me. What I did not realize was that I had closed my eyes. I opened them to see the tall blades of grass and the earth beneath them. The smell was wonderful. A surge of energy coursed through my body. I felt as if I was reborn to the prime of my life.

  I stood to one knee and was taken aback by the sight before me. A lush green landscape stretched out in all directions as far as I could see. The lands dipped into deep green valleys and rose up into dandelion covered hills. Behind me was a large river that went on forever, disappearing into the far distance. Its color was a clear ocean blue I had only seen in an artist’s rendition. The sky above was filled with slowly moving clouds bright and as fluffy as cotton. The sun shined down providing a soft but brilliant light that was comforting, not to hot or cold.

  What I stood in, to me, was a child’s version of the perfect spring day. While I was in awe of what I was seeing, what quickly jumped into my mind was what I could not see. Something caught my attention forcing me to turn around. In the distance was a sight directly from my dreams. Nestled between a dense forest and the crystal-blue river was a small cherry oak cabin.

  The night I proposed to Clara, after we returned home we made love. I had not felt as happy as I did that night ever before. Laying naked in each other’s arms the light from the moon shined down upon Clara’s face. She was smiling, her eyes staring up at the ceiling but she was not looking at anything in our reality. I knew that look well, she was daydreaming. I just watched her, listing to her breathing thanking every God I could think of for letting her find me. I did not want to disturb her. She was in her own private heaven and I in mine.

  Her eyes began blinking rapidly then focused on me. Her smile widened as she pressed her lips to mine. I ran the back of my hand down the side of her face. It was smooth and still slightly damp from perspiration. She took my hand and held it in-between hers and stared into my eyes. She wanted my complete attention and she had it.

  “I’m finished.” She said exhaling as if in relief.

  “Finished?” I questioned. “Finished what? Where were you?”

  Clara was the dreamer, she dreamed enough for the both of us. It was not a dream to escape reality, but one to plan for the future. She had goals and nothing or no one would ever stop her from achieving them. I was lucky to be included in those dreams. When Clara finished a dream it became a goal and soon her goal would be achieved.

  “…Our home.” Clara answered. “Don’t get me wrong, I love New Chicago, but wouldn’t you want to live somewhere that still has grass, a place where you would want to raise children?”

  “Children..?” I said nervously.

  At the time Clara and I never discussed children. The government practically forced younger couples to have them, but after seeing the effects of the war first hand, I was not prepared to bring one into that world. On the other hand, never knowing my parents and the shame of growing up alone made me want to bring as much happiness as possible to my future child.

  “Don’t worry. I’m not thinking of having kids now.” Clara said with a smirk noticing the concerned look on my face. “You know I plan for the future and I just wanted to plan where we would live, a place that didn’t need reconstruction. My dream is a place war did not touch.”

  “Is there such a place?” I asked her.

  I did not believe there was. The global war was truly a war fought across the globe. The federation was not just looking to destroy the alliance; they were also searching for resources. Many places that had no strategic value would often be attacked for the smallest of resources from water to basic food goods. In the absence of stability many would-be dictators arose and were bent on carving their name in history. Often their mark was made with the blood of innocents leaving few areas untouched.

  “There is a town not far from where I grew up.” Clara said to me. “Since its land was always part of the parent nation it was never attacked. At one time further up the river it was dammed, but that was over ten years ago. It’s perfect, David. We can build a house right next to the river. We can escape the city and be free.”

  I wanted to give her everything. When we first met she told me she worked for the global incoming administration because she wanted to insure a lasting piece, but she knew as well as I that brining the world together under one government would be a daunting task. I still cared about my service to the military, but I knew that I would be able to serve and still make Clara happy. I had spent my whole life thinking only about myself, I was more than happy to be concerned with someone else’s happiness.

  “Wherever we go, as long as I am with you, I will be happy.” I told Clara.

  “It will be wonderful, David!” Clara said with elation. “I’ve seen everything, down to the last detail!”

  Standing there amongst the green grass feeling a spring breeze blow across my face I stared upon the dream home Clara detailed to me that night. The cabin looked to be built by hand using a mixture between old world craftsmanship and modern accents. Clara had described a mixing between a cabin-like interior with a ranch house styled exterior in her dreams.

  A small waist high white picket fence surrounded the cabin. To the side of the front door was a small wooden patio with a swing chair and a canopy above it. As I walked toward the home, I thought back on how her eyes would grow wider as she explained in painstaking detail everything she envisioned.

  Seeing Clara’s dream house made me even more excited to find her. I rushed toward the front door. A noise from behind the house caught my attention. I made my way around to the back of the house and found Clara’s passion. A large section of the back yard was made into a garden. It was split down the middle with an array of fruits and vegetables on one side and a carefully tended flower garden on the other.

  It was one of the reasons she wanted to move from the city. Growing up in the country, Clara’s family owned a farm. As well as cattle and chickens her family also grew their own fruits and vegetables. Clara’s passion growing up was working on her flower garden. White roses were her favorite but she would grow whatever she could.

  Everything Clara wanted was there and all I wanted was her. While there was a peace that surrounded me it was incomplete. I made my way to the rear entrance and walked inside. The doorway lead into a large kitchen, open, just the way she described it. The home was immaculate almost as if it was just constructed and presented waiting for my arrival. Just walking in there it felt like home, like I had lived there all my life.

  I could not hold back my emotions any longer. I screamed out her name as I began to search the house but could not find her. The peace that was wrapped around me like a blanket had fallen away leaving me cold and alone. I knew I had seen her and the house I stood in was from her dreams, but I could not find the dreamer. The home was small enough that it only took a minute to search, but I searched it again and found nothing. I was determined to find her and if I had to search all of the afterlife to do so then I was prepared to do that.

  I stormed to the front door ready to begin my search. I swung the door open and was stopped in my tracks. Clara stood just outside of the door smiling at me wearing the dress she wore the night I proposed to her. I did not say a word. I stepped outside and wrapped my arms around her pulling her in tightly. I knew immediately it was her. Her skin was soft and warm just as I remembered. She smelled like fre
sh strawberries.

  “I’ve waited for this day.” I whispered in her ear. “I didn’t know if I would be able to hold you again… to tell you… I’m sorry.”

  “No David…” Clara answered lifting her hand and placing two fingers on my lips. “…you have nothing to be sorry about.”

  I was holding the only woman I ever loved in my arms, surrounded by paradise, but what came over me was a gloom that I had not felt since the day the meteor fell. My thoughts turned to the fact that I was never able to give her the home of her dreams. Our home outside the Naxum research facility was the closest we ever got, but it was far from what I wanted for her.

  Her warmth slowly began to fade from me. I saw it in her eyes. She could see the pain and the thoughts of losing her crept into my mind. As much as I tried to push them away, I kept seeing a vision of Clara alone as the meteor fell.

  “David!” Clara said with a panic in her voice. “It’s okay. I’m with you.”

  Something was happening to me from the inside out. I still held Clara in my arms but it felt as if she was drifting away. My mind was screaming at me telling me what I was doing was wrong, but I could not help myself. It was not just the warmth from Clara’s body that was leaving me. The heat from the sun was fading. I could no longer smell the fresh grass. The skies began to darken as reality itself began to fade.

  “Don’t leave me, David!” Clara screamed out.

  Though she was only inches from me her scream sounded distant as if a chasm was between us. I tried to pull her closer to me but the strength from my body was gone. I fell to my knees, Clara knelt down next to me trying to hold me up but I could not feel her touch. I could not speak. I wanted to scream but nothing would come out. My eyes dimmed or perhaps it was the world around me that was fading away, either way I was slipping back into the darkness.