FEAST OF MEN

by Ayn Dillard

  Obviously, Pete needs to talk about the loss of his wife for a while, just as I need to assimilate this shocking information. We had become close during the custody suit for my stepdaughter. They had become like family to me.

  Pete continues, “She was grateful to you for helping her protect her granddaughter. She understood how you went out of your way and what it put you through to do so.”

  “I understand, Pete and I felt close to her. I am going to miss her.”

  I haven’t seen my stepdaughter or talked to anyone in that family since last March. After my stepdaughter’s mother had Victoria removed from my house by the police—when she wouldn’t go with her voluntarily. What a nightmare the connection to these people has been—nothing but painful chaos. I miss my stepdaughter and now hearing her grandmother died months ago and no one even thought to contact me makes me sad. There were days in the past when we spent hours on the phone talking. Some people seem to be able to use other people with no obvious ounce of remorse. At least, I can feel good about shedding light on the perverted relationship Victoria’s father has with her—able to assist the court in limiting his custody.

  Listening to Pete talk about his last days with his wife is difficult.

  He states, “Natalie, life’s so short. It can all end so quickly. If I could do it all over again, I’d just wish for more time with her. Time with those you love is all that matters. Make sure you really live—do what you want to do and be with the people you love as much as possible. It’s all over so quickly and gone so fast.”

  I think about my feelings for Boyd and the magic that we have together. Hearing Pete say this further confirms my thoughts. Why wait, why spend anytime apart if we can help it? It feels like a direct message from above. Along with Richard’s advice and now hearing this from Pete, Boyd and I should go ahead and be together right now.

  After talking with Pete, I leave a message on my ex-husband’s, ex-wife’s answering machine as he suggested. A message of my remorse about hearing of her mother’s death and ask that we forgive and forget—for her to call me and to tell Victoria that I love her. Amy, this mother of my stepdaughter carries much bitterness as I experienced her wrath the whole time I was married to her ex. Having so much loss in my life and now, I’m not even able to see my stepdaughter because her mother’s jealousy of our relationship and love for one another. Even after I met with their attorneys, sat in the courthouse for days and was on the witness stand for two—this bitter ex-wife turns on me.

  I flip around the channels on the TV to notice a movie, I’d seen a few years back. A romantic one about two people who fall in love with each other while married to others I loved the last scene, when the man asks the woman if she’ll spend the rest of her life with him. How romantic—I wish something like that would happen to me. I can’t watch any more of this. It’s making me too sad and I am going crazy trying to find something to occupy my time on this Saturday as I wait to hear from Boyd. It’s difficult to concentrate but I try to write up more research then the phone rings.

  “Hi darlin’, what are you doing?”

  “Writing up research, what are you doing?”

  “Relaxing after the soccer games, watching a little TV. In a minute I’m going to take a nap. Supposed to play tennis with my daughter after her lesson. Some friends want to borrow my truck to carry some stuff to the Halloween festival at the school. I think this is the day—either today or tomorrow.” His voice is tired even weary.

  I ask, “Do you think we’ll be able to see each other?”

  “Not sure, honey. I’ll see what the plans are.”

  Disappointed, I reply, “Um, okay.”

  “Natalie, this morning when I was taking my son to his soccer game, he ran ahead as usual. There’re so many soccer teams in the Highland Park area that there’re not enough team colors to go around. The team on the field had the same color uniform as my son was wearing, but they weren’t his team. So, my son runs on ahead and before I can stop him. He’s out on the field playing. I motion for him to get off the field and yell out that it isn’t his team, but he pays no attention. Finally, the coach goes over to pull him off.” He chuckles full of loving humor and parental pride.

  I ask, “Was he embarrassed?”

  Laughs, “No, he was oblivious. He could care less.”

  “That’s a cute story. Wonder what the coach would’ve done if he’d scored a goal?”

  “I am sure quickly change his mind—like yeah that kid’s on our team—sure he is. Might be a bit shorter, but he’s on our team because see he’s wearing our colors.”

  We laugh together. “Cute story Boyd. I bet your little boy’s darling.”

  “Yeah, he’s a cute kid—looks just like I did when I was his age. Yeah, this morning didn’t bother him at all. Natalie, I want to see you baby. I want you to be on my arm at my son’s soccer games.” He sounds stressed.

  “I’d love to see you, too. Sure, it’d be fun to go to your son’s games.” As I think, just not too often.

  He continues, “I really want to see you. What are you wearing today?”

  I answer, “A sleeveless white cotton turtleneck sweater and black thong underwear.”

  “Wow!”

  I continue, “I am just sitting on my bed writing so I want to be comfortable. It’s so beautiful outside. I sure wish we could spend the day together.”

  “Me, too darlin’ but we must be careful. You know Natalie, men go off to war all the time and leave girlfriends and wives home waiting.”

  I state, “Yes, unfortunately—I guess so.”

  “It could be like I’ve gone off to war for six months.”

  “Yes... only?”

  “Only no commitment. Guys going off to war can give the girl a commitment and I can’t give you one yet. Except the women do wait for their men to come back. I left a girl when I went to Korea and she waited. People wait for people all the time.”

  “Yes, of course people wait, but there’s also no war.” As I think, I’ve been waiting for what seems like my whole life. I can sense what’s coming next—the parting and I am beginning to feel sick. “What would you tell your daughter? What would you tell Natasha?”

  “I’d tell her if your man loves you as much as I love Natalie then trust him and wait.”

  Full of emotion, “Well, you know what I’d tell your daughter? What I’d say?”

  “No, what would you say?”

  “Okay, say if I was her stepmom and twenty years have passed. So, I guess it does work out between us if this is the scenario.”

  “Yeah good—great.” listens intently.

  “I’d tell Natasha. If say, she comes to me and asks. ‘Natalie, I really need to talk to you because I can’t talk to mom or dad about this.’ You know, Boyd, how sometimes it’s easier for children to talk to someone other than their parents?”

  “Yeah, I do. Go on.”

  “Say she’d been married before and was really hurt by the divorce.”

  “Okay.”

  “So, pretend that she says, Natalie, you know how much I was hurt in my divorce then you and dad helped me through it. Well, I’ve met a married man now, I’m in love with him and he loves me. He’s in the process of getting a divorce, but is still living with his wife. What should I do?’ I continue talking while trying to hold back my tears. “Boyd, I’d tell your daughter. ‘Natasha, let him to come to you. Don’t have an affair with him. Just wait. Don’t ever get involved with a married man. Go on with your life, work, date and have fun. Live your life as if he’s not coming back, then if he does come back after he’s divorced—great. If he doesn’t, it wasn’t supposed to be. You’ve not lost anything and will be less hurt if you just go on with your life. Only, don’t get involved with a married man. It’ll only hurt and degrade everyone involved. That’s the advice I’d give your daughter, Boyd. Then I’d tell her, if you and I made it, that is. I’d tell her our story and what we decided to do. I’d tell her, Natasha, your daddy loved you so much
that we waited. We waited to be together until things were right for everyone concerned. We loved each other as much as any man and woman could love each other, but we waited.” I think to myself, geez, why am I thinking about and protecting this man’s children? Why don’t I just think about myself? What I really want is for him to leave them and for us to go somewhere to be together forever. Lost somewhere far away, lost in our fun and love for one another. I wish we could’ve stayed in that rental car driving from Oklahoma City forever. Only no, that’s not what I really want. I want him to be happy and his children to be happy, but I want to be happy too.

  Boyd states, “I understand Natalie with the key phrase being—your daddy loved you so much. Very good advice—you will be a great role model for my kids—just as I knew. Which is what I’ve been saying to you all along—April, let’s wait until April. Give up six months for the rest of our lives, then we can be together forever.”

  “Boyd, you need to see the movie, ‘Love Affair’ because they had a solution.” Our emotions bounce all over as we try to pull away from each other and do the ‘right’ thing.

  He responds, “Okay, I want to see that movie.”

  I continue, “They waited for six months before they were together. It stars Warren Beatty and Annette Bening.”

  He states, “How can I go six months without sex?” Chuckles, “Can’t believe Warren Beatty went that long, Warren, never—no way.” He tries to lighten things up with his humor—one of the things, I love about him. At least, I think he’s kidding about what he said. He’d better have been kidding.

  I state, “Oh yes, he did. Beatty went the whole time without sex in the movie that is. He spent the whole time working his way back to her.”

  Boyd responds, “Okay, sounds good to me.” Determined, “If Warren can do it, so can I.”

  “Boyd, I was thinking about your name.”

  “Yes?”

  “Well to me, you don’t look like a ‘Boyd’.”

  “What do I look like?” Chuckles, “Do I even want to hear this?”

  “You don’t look like a ‘Boyd’ because that name’s serious and you’re fun and romantic. Pondering your name, Boyd Ashford, I thought. And well, I’m sure some of the airline guys or your other buddies have called you this nickname. I thought I’d call you, ‘Ash’. What do you think? Do you like it? The name ‘Ash’ suits you more in my estimation. You’re dashing, romantic, fun and handsome. That’s how I see you anyway.”

  “Sure, some have referred to me by this name or you could call me by my middle name, Allan. No one has ever called me that.”

  “Allan’s nice but I like Ash.”

  “Okay fine with me Natalie. So, Ash it’ll be.”

  I continue, “Okay then Ash it is. I watched a movie today that reminded me of us, but I don’t know the name of it. Isabella Rosselini was one of the stars. You know, Ingrid Bergman’s daughter and Ted Danson was also in it. About a man and woman who have an affair. They go skinny dipping and stay in a cabin. Really, it’s about a large family. The older lady in the family—her husband dies at a family picnic, then she marries Lloyd Bridges.”

  He adds, “Then after skinny dipping at the cabin, they order a whole lot of food. Geez, that’s just the movie I was watching.

  I respond, “I don’t remember about the food.”

  He continues, “After they make love, they go skinny dipping, then they order a whole lot of food. They were in a cabin, right?”

  I respond, “Right, but I don’t remember the food.”

  “Well, they did order a lot of it.”

  I ask, “Do you know the name of the movie?”

  He answers, “No, I don’t—can’t recall it.”

  “Well, let’s find out the name of it and put it on our list of movies to watch.”

  “Okay.”

  Boyd continues, “Natalie, in the movie Ted Danson says to Isabella Rosselini’s character, ‘You’re so fun to fall in love with.’ That’s the way, I feel about you. You’re so fun to fall in love with and be in love with. Falling in love is great, but with you it’s fantastic. At the end of the movie, they’re at this wedding and he asks her to dance. He asks her, ‘Would you like to dance then spend the rest of your life with me?’ That’s what I want to say to you. Will you spend the rest of your life with me, Natalie?”

  I reflect—Is this for real? How does Boyd know to say just what I’d love to hear? “That’s so romantic, Boyd. Yes, I’ll put it on our movie list and I want to see you so badly. I found out today that my stepdaughter’s grandmother died recently.”

  “I’m sorry, darlin’. Are you okay?”

  “Well yes—umm, no. She was sick with cancer, so I’m glad she didn’t suffer long. Her husband told me to make sure I’m with the people I love as much as possible because life’s so short and over so quickly.” I begin to cry. “Boyd, I love you and want to see you. I don’t want to wait any longer.”

  “I know baby. I want to see you, too.” his voice sounds shaky. “Only we’ve got to be careful. Call you in a little while to let you know if I can get away. Okay, honey? I’ve got to go now.”

  “Okay.”

  Off the phone, I cry really hard because my friend has died and well, just because of everything. My emotions are stretched to the max and I need to get out of this house. So, I go to the Galleria. It feels good to be around people, but I want to share this beautiful day with Boyd. Being in love, I want to share everything and when in love—a beautiful day becomes even more beautiful.

  I want a husband to be with, to share with and do things for. This situation with Boyd is frustrating and breaking my heart in half. I want to run and play with him today to share our sense of humor and laughter, but it’s not going to happen. If I let this go on much longer, it’s going to hurt me and will definitely damage my feelings for him. We’re going to have to be apart, until he’s divorced. We’re going to need to cut this off now. The inevitable has arrived and I’m freaking.

  I pick up the photos from the drug store that were taken in front of the dessert case at Dennie’s. They turned out cute. That day was so fun and we’ll keep these photos forever. I can’t wait to show them to Boyd. At least we’ll have photos to look at while we’re apart. It was coincidentally weird that I put my camera in my purse that day because usually I put it in my suitcase. It was as if the universe knew, we’d have to be apart so even arranged it—so we’d have a photo together. Our meeting, all of it was arranged in advance by some sort of magic. I get Boyd a belated birthday card and put the photos in it as a parting gift.

  When I arrive home, there’s a message from Boyd. “Natalie I won’t be able to see you today, darlin’. There’s absolutely no way to get away. Talk to you later. I’m going to take a nap. Where are you? Where did you go baby? I love you.”

  Just as I suspected and Boyd sounds tired and stressed. I take a deep breath and begin to do some laundry then the phone rings.

  It’s Boyd, “Natalie—hi!”

  “Thought you were going to take a nap?”

  “I am but wanted to talk to you before I did. Where’d you go?”

  “To the Galleria to pick up some lipstick, I needed to get out of the house.” As I think to myself, I shouldn’t buy anything because I’ll probably be living under a bridge soon or out of my car.

  “A little shopping—lipstick, huh? I guess you really are a girly girl.”

  “Yes, one of those real feminine one—make-up, lipstick, lace, silk and sexy underwear—I love it all.”

  “Sounds like my kind of a girl. I just wanted to hear your voice honey. There’s no way I can get away today. I’ve been reading your books and darlin’, let me say—I’ll never hurt you. I’d certainly never cheat on you and I don’t drink much. It really upset me to find all that you’ve lived through. How could anyone treat you that way?”

  “Well, that’s nice to hear.” I laugh nervously. “I was married to some pretty twisted, dysfunctional and fractured men, but that was then an
d this is now. If I ever had indication anyone would cheat on me or hurt me, I’d get away from them fast. I’ve gotten past most of it or I wouldn’t be able to write about it. I have a surprise for you Boyd.”

  Surprised, “You do, baby?”

  “And I think you’ll like it a lot.”

  “Of course, I’ll love it if it’s from you. I’m real tired so am going to go take a nap now.”

  “Okay, bye. Get some rest.”

  I relax at home on Saturday evening, watching TV, writing up research and piddling around the house. I feel happy in my heart to be in love, but I also feel alone. The way he talks is lovely, but he’s married. The romantic side to him is great. His words and the way he talks and the respect with which I’m treated are so important.

  David calls from California. “Hi Natalie, did you have a good flight home?”

  “Hi David, it’s good to hear from you. I had an interesting flight home. I had a great time visiting you and know you’re crying your eyes out missing me.”

  “Are you kidding? I finally have some peace around here, took me days to recover from your visit.”

  “Oh, bite me!”

  “Love to! So, I gather you had an uneventful flight home?”

  I burst out laughing, “You won’t believe it. I didn’t get home until ten-thirty that night and I jumped out of an airplane into a man’s arms.”

  “What? What in the world happened?”

  “DFW was closed because of the weather and the plane was diverted to Oklahoma City.”

  He inquires, “I bet you were exhausted when you finally got home.”

  “No, not really. Actually, I had the time of my life.”

  “You did?”

  “David, it happened. I met a man on the plane and fell in love—all because you sent me a ticket to come visit you. You’re like our angel.”

  “Well hoped, ‘I’d be good for something. How’d all this happen exactly?”