Wanderlust (1986)

by Steel, Danielle

  What do you mean, I'm 'not a man'? His accent was decidedly more American than British and Audrey remembered hearing that he had gone to Yale, and he later explained that he had spent all his summers in Maine as a child, at Bar Harbor with his mother's family. And he had a strong penchant for everything from the States.

  I meant, Charles Parker-Scott, that you are practically family. Vi lay contentedly in the sand, looking up at him as he laughed, and then sat down next to her to give her a warm hug, but his eyes kept straying to Audrey. There was genuine interest there, but he forced himself to be attentive to Violet.

  How've you been, Lady Vi?

  Extremely well, Charlie. And it will be a much better summer now that you're here. How long can you stay?

  A few days ' a week ' . He knew how their summer revels were. He had visited them before and he always had a good time. He was a strikingly handsome man, Audrey realized as she stood looking down at him, wondering why she had ever thought he was an older man. Perhaps because he had accomplished so much ' perhaps because his extensive travels and exotic looks reminded her of her father in some ways.

  He had shiny black hair that was so dark it was almost blue, and a smooth olive complexion, huge dark brown eyes, and a smile that lit up his face in an incredible way. He was long and lanky and aristocratic, and he didn't look English at all, Audrey decided as she watched. He looked Spanish or French, or Italian perhaps ' like an Italian prince actually, and he was wearing a navy blue knit bathing suit, and it was easy to see that he had long powerful legs, graceful arms, and shoulders even broader than James's. They had gone to Eton together years before, and the two men had been like brothers for most of their youth, and still were. It was James who grabbed his shoulder now and shook him a little bit.

  If my wife will be quiet for long enough, introduce you to our friend. This is Audrey Driscoll, from California. Charles cast his huge eyes up at her, with a smile that would have made any woman melt, and Audrey felt its effect on her too as she shook his hand. It was difficult not to be affected by the way he looked, but she was more intrigued about his books, and she was hoping to talk to him about them later. They talked at length later that afternoon before he went off on a drive with James, leaving Audrey and Violet alone again.

  Incredibly handsome, isn't he? Vi smiled, proud of their friend.

  You might say that. Audrey laughed. She had been trying desperately not to feel awkward around him all afternoon, yet he was so unassuming and relaxed that eventually one forgot his good looks. But it was certainly difficult at first. It was the most striking thing about him.

  You know, he's totally unaware of how he looks, Violet confided over champagne on the veranda as they waited for James. They were both wearing white silk gowns with their deep tans, and Audrey's hair was turning a bright burnished red from the sun. I talked to him about it once, and I promise you, he has absolutely no idea how he affects people. None at all. Actually ' She stuffed some baked mushrooms into her mouth and grinned like a little girl as she gobbled them before she could speak again. It's amazing, isn't it, Aud? I mean you'd think he'd be used to women swooning wherever he walks. But he's so preoccupied with his books that I don't really think he cares. Audrey liked that about him. More than that, she liked his mind. She had previously read two of his books and had been totally enthralled. The other author of his genre whom she enjoyed was Nicol Smith, the explorer and writer, and Charles said he was crazy about him too. They had had a long conversation about him that afternoon. Audrey had found Charles fascinating, as they talked of Java, Nepal, and India. All the places you'd never want to go. Audrey teased Vi as she groaned at them.

  I can't imagine what you find intriguing about places like that. They sound wretched to me. Audrey's eyes danced as she laughed at her friend and James arrived on the scene in a white linen suit that looked extremely tropical, with his deep tan, dark hair, and green eyes.

  Was she saying something rude again, Aud? He helped himself to the champagne and hors d'oeuvres and turned to admire his wife. My, you look pretty tonight, Lady Vi. You should always wear white, my dear. He kissed her lightly on the lips, ate another stuffed mushroom, and turned to smile at Audrey again. It was nice having her there with them, and now that Charles had arrived, they were really going to have some good times. And by later that evening that seemed an extremely likely prospect. The foursome went to dinner at a small restaurant in Cannes. They drank a great deal too much wine, and laughed themselves silly all the way to Juan-les-Pins, where they went to a party someone had told James about, and they didn't leave until two, after which they moved on, and stopped at another party at Cap d'Antibes, until they finally got home at four, less drunk than they'd been in several hours, and determined to stay up and watch the dawn. James opened another bottle of champagne when they got home and drank most of it himself, Lady Vi fell asleep on the couch, and eventually, singing a rather inappropriate song, James carried her upstairs, which left only Audrey and Charles still on the veranda two hours later when the sun slowly peeked over the horizon and began to come up. As it did, Charles was watching her, with a serious look in his eyes.

  What really brings you here? They had been chatting aimlessly for the past two hours, enjoying each other's company, and speaking of the subjects they both loved, travel to the distant corners of the world ' the summer in Cap d'Antibes ' their friends Vi and James ' but now Charles was looking intently at her, wondering who she really was, as she pondered similar questions about him. It was odd to wonder what quirk of fate had brought them both here, at the same time.

  She decided to be honest with him. As honest as she could be. I needed to get away.

  From what? His voice was a caress in the golden light from the rising sun. But he assumed that she had wanted to get away from a man. She was old not to be married, by the standards of their times. Or should I say from whom? He smiled, and her eyes were candid as she shook her head.

  No ' not that ' or maybe I just needed to get away from myself, and the responsibilities I impose on myself.

  That sounds serious. His eyes never left hers, and he had an insatiable desire to touch her lips with his own, to run his fingertips along her long, graceful neck, but he forced himself to listen to her and quell the rising desire he felt for her, at least for the moment.

  Sometimes it is serious. She leaned back with a sigh. I have a grandfather I love with all my heart ' and a sister who needs me desperately.

  Is she ill? He knit his brows and Audrey looked at him in surprise.

  No ' what made you say that?

  The way you stressed desperately.'

  She shook her head looking out to sea, thinking of Annabelle, and finally allowing herself to think again of all that Harcourt had said to her. She's just very young ' . She looked back at him again. And I've spoiled her, I suppose. It's hard not to. We lost our parents when we were very young, and I brought her up.

  How strange. There was something haunted in Charles's face as he spoke.

  Why do you say that?

  How old were you when your parents died? ' did they die at the same time?

  She nodded, wondering why he looked so intense suddenly. I was eleven, my sister was only seven then ' in Hawaii ' and yes, they died together in an accident at sea ' . It still pained her to speak of it. We went back to the mainland then, to live with my grandfather. I've been running his house ever since, and mothering my sister ' too much perhaps ' at least that's what her husband says. She looked honestly into Charles's eyes. He seems to think I've crippled her, that she can't do anything for herself without my help. And perhaps he's right. He said, she tried to look amused but it was obvious that she was not, that all I ever do is order new curtains and hire and fire maids. And when I thought about it, her eyes suddenly filled with tears and she was horrified, I couldn't really disagree with him ' so I left ' for a while ' and came here ' . She looked away again, but Charles reached out and took her hand.

  I understand.


  Do you? Her eyes met his again, and her lashes were damp. How could you understand?

  Because my life hasn't been so different from yours, except that there was no grandfather. An aunt and uncle for a while, but they're gone now too, My parents died in an accident when I was seventeen, my brother was twelve. We lived with my aunt and uncle in America for a year, and we hated it. They meant well, he sighed, and his grip on Audrey's hand tightened almost imperceptibly, but they didn't really understand either of us. They thought me far too adventurous for my age, too independent, and much too outspoken about it, and my brother not independent enough. He was completely traumatized by my parents' death and he had never been a very healthy child.

  When I turned eighteen, we left. We came back to England and I did what I could ' . There was a catch in his throat, as Audrey's heart went out to him. He only lived another year. He died of tuberculosis at fourteen. He looked at her emptily, with heartbroken eyes. I always wondered if that wouldn't have happened if we'd stayed in the States ' he might not have ' he could be here now if '

  Don't say that, Charles. She reached out without thinking and gently touched his cheek. You can't control things like that. I always felt responsible somehow for my parents' death. But that's foolish and useless. We can't control life. He nodded. It was the first time he had ever opened up to someone as he had to her, someone he barely knew, but there was something so warm and sympathetic about her. He had been drawn to her from the first moment they met, and he was even more so now. Suddenly he wanted to tell her everything, about himself, about his life, about Sean, the brother he had lost....

  I began traveling after that. I tried to go to university afterward, but I couldn't concentrate after Sean died. Everything reminded me of him ... everyone had a younger brother his age ... or I would see children in the street who looked too much like him ... I wanted to go somewhere where I wouldn't be reminded of anyone I'd ever known ' so I went to Nepal ' and India after that ' and then Japan for a year ' and when I was twenty-one, I wrote the first book, he smiled for the first time in an hour, and then it became a way of life, and I fell in love with it. Audrey smiled into his eyes.

  You're very good at what you do. She felt touched that he had confided in her, and she felt for his pain. It suddenly made her think of what losing Annabelle would have been like. She couldn't bear the thought, tears filled her eyes just thinking about it.

  Traveling is my whole life now. He confessed almost guiltily, looking boyish again.

  There's no sin in that. In fact, she sighed with a smile, as the early morning sun shone down on them, I envy you. My father traveled all over the world, and I've always wanted to do just that.

  Why don't you then?

  And Annabelle? ' and Grandfather? What happens to them?

  They'd probably do very well.

  We'll see, I guess. That's what this trip is all about.

  Antibes is hardly an exotic place, my friend.

  I know. They both laughed. But perhaps if they survive my being here, then maybe one day I can go somewhere more adventurous.

  You should go now. One day, you'll be married and you won't have the chance.

  She smiled. She was in no imminent danger of that. I don't think there's any great risk of that.

  Is there something I don't know yet? A curse on the family? Some hideous trait you've concealed?

  She laughed as he teased, and as she shook her head, the copper mane swung free. No. I just don't think I'm the type to get married.

  But you've just told me that you've been running your grandfather's house for fifteen years. Isn't that training enough?

  Yes, but I'm not married to him. To be honest with you, and she was, totally, most of the men I've met don't appeal to me very much.

  Why not? He was fascinated by her, fascinated by everything she did and said and thought. He had never met a woman quite like her.

  They bore me to death. Like my brother-in-law. They have preconceived ideas about what women should and shouldn't do. Women should not discuss politics, or even think about such things. They should pour tea, should work for the Red Cross, should go out to lunch with their friends. And the things that really interest me are absolutely taboo. Politics, travel ' roaming halfway around the world, with my camera preferably.

  You take photographs, do you? She nodded enthusiastically. And I'll bet you're good. He spoke with absolute confidence in her and she was surprised.

  What makes you say that?

  You're sensitive, perceptive probably ' it takes a certain kind of mind to be a good photographer ' a sharp eye, an ordered mind.

  And I'm guilty of all that? She laughed, surprised at his analysis of her. At home they just call me an old maid. It hurt him just hearing it, and he looked angry suddenly.

  How stupid of them. The trouble is that no one understands if you don't fit in the right mold. In some ways, I have the same problem as you. I don't want to settle down with just anyone ' never have ' not after ' She knew he was thinking of Sean. Life is too short ' too ephemeral ' I don't want to waste it pretending to be something I'm not.

  And what aren't you? It was her turn to ask him questions now, and she was curious about him as well.

  I'm not a man who could ever settle down easily.

  Adventuring is in my blood. I love what I do. And there aren't too many women who are willing to understand that. They pretend to, at first, and then they want you to settle down. It's like putting a lion in a cage. Everyone wants to try, but then they don't know what to do with him. I was born to live in the wild. I love it there. I don't domesticate very well, I'm afraid. He smiled charmingly and her heart gave a little tug. He was the most endearing man, and what he said next touched her too, and she understood it perfectly. I'm not sure I'd ever want children either ' and that's something of a handicap. Most women want two or three. She didn't dare ask him why, but he told her anyway. After Sean ' I felt I didn't ever want to love anyone that much again ' it was as though he were my child, and not my brother anymore ' and I couldn't bear losing him. Charles's eyes filled with tears but he went on without shame or embarrassment, pouring his heart out to her. I couldn't stand loving my own children like that, and then perhaps losing one of them. It seems safer somehow to stay like this. And I'm perfectly happy, I must say. He brushed a tear from his cheek, and smiled at her in a bittersweet way. It drives one's friends mad of course. Violet can never resist the urge to introduce me to every woman they know. At least it keeps things lively when I'm on this side of the world. He hesitated, and gently stroked her hand resting in his own. And you, my friend? Don't you think you'll settle down one day? She had almost given up on that, and she didn't really care anymore.

  You have to give up so much ' nothing I want fits in with marriage, in the conventional sense.

  And children?

  She took a deep breath and looked into his eyes. I have Annabelle. it was how she really felt. She had had a child, even if she hadn't borne her herself, and now her son ' and Grandfather ' I don't need children of my own.

  You can't live a life like that though, living other people's lives. You're too good for that. There's too much of you.

  How do you know that? It was as though he sensed instinctively exactly who she was, and so far he hadn't been wrong. You're happy as you are. Why can't I be too?

  Because I'm doing exactly what I want to do. And you're not, ' are you? His voice was so soft, and his hand so strong as he held hers. And she couldn't deny what he said. Slowly, she shook her head. She was doing what she ought and what she must and what she should, for people she loved ' but it was not what she wanted to do.

  She smiled philosophically at him, knowing that she had made a friend she would keep for a long, long time. You're right, but there's nothing I can do about it ' not now, anyway. All I can do is look at this summer like a gift, and go back when it's time.

  And then? ' and after that? ' how much of your life are you willing to give up?

  She
almost gulped as she said the words. All of it, I suppose. You can't give halfway. He had learned that with Sean, and that was what frightened him about giving again ' about loving someone + tout jamais as the French said ' to the bottom of your soul. He hadn't in fifteen years, and now suddenly here she was, a woman who seemed to understand the very workings of his soul, just as he understood hers. It was odd finding her now. He hadn't been looking for her, and he wasn't sure he wanted to find her yet. But there she was, her hair shooting copper lights at him as the sun rose in the sky and he sat staring at her.

  You know, I don't know why we met when we did ' but I think I'm falling in love with you ' . She wasn't prepared for what he said to her, and her heart almost seemed to give a lurch and leap out of her chest to fly at his feet.

  I ' I don't ' I'm ' And then, not finding the words, she only nodded at him. He understood everything ' Harcourt ' Annabelle ' Grandfather ' her hunger to see the world ' to be alive ' to be free ' to take photographs ' and the distant dream she had long since given up, of sharing it with someone, of finding someone who would do it all with her ' and now suddenly here he was, their paths crossing for only hours or days .' I think I am too. She looked stunned, feeling helpless for the first time in her life. And as she reached out to him, he took her in his arms and held her so tight it took her breath away. There was no doubt in her mind that the same arrow had struck her too, and his lips brushed her hair as his hands held her close to him.

  She looked up at him then and he smiled at her, and then gently at first, he kissed her as he had kissed no other woman before, and she felt her heart soar to the skies as his lips pressed down hard on hers.

  It was madness really. They had been strangers only the night before. And now suddenly, she knew she was falling in love with him. And as they walked slowly back inside the house, he put an arm around her and she felt his fingers brush her neck. She felt as though she had come to a turning point in her life that night, and her life would never be quite the same again.