Wanderlust (1986)

by Steel, Danielle

  Audrey ' He looked down at her as they stood outside her bedroom door, and he smiled gently at her again. We're a great deal alike, you know, you and I. He had never thought he would meet anyone like her, and he never had before.

  It's amazing, isn't it? It seemed wonderful and at the same time unfair. She saw everything she wanted in him, and in a few days she would never see him again. How long will you be in Antibes? She barely dared to whisper the words.

  As long as I can. Their eyes met for a last lingering look, and with a silent nod, she slipped into her room.

  Chapter 6

  Another idyllic week had slid by, and Charles was still staying with Vi and James. They were still cavorting like children in Antibes, and the four of them went everywhere, although Audrey and Charles managed some time off by themselves every day. She usually went somewhere to take photographs, and Charles saw to it that he accompanied her. It seemed as though since he had arrived they had done nothing but explore each other's lives and it was difficult to believe that they hadn't known each other for years.

  She was focusing on an ancient house in the little mountain town of Eze, as he looked at her, with admiration in his eyes. He had seen her work developed now, and he knew just how good she was with the little Leica she took everywhere, and used so frequently.

  I'd like to work on a book with you one day, Aud. Would you like that? She snapped two more shots and then turned to smile at him, and took a photograph of him with a look of surprise on his face.

  Are you serious, Charles? She had blossomed in the days since he'd arrived. She looked more womanly suddenly, more relaxed, and there was a different look in her eyes. Vi talked about it constantly, whenever she and James were alone, and she was wondering if anything would come of it, though James insisted nothing would. Charles wasn't the marrying kind. He had said so for years, and marriage would never have fit in with his career. But it was obvious, even to James, that Charles was madly infatuated with the girl. Or head over heels in love with her, as Vi said.

  Of course I'm serious. Your photographs are damn good. Better than what I write.

  Hardly. She laughed at his modesty and came to stand next to him. Are you ready for lunch? They had packed Vi and James's enormous picnic basket in the car, and they unpacked it on the mountainside, surrounded by wild flowers with the walls of Eze behind their backs, and the Mediterranean far beneath their feet. It was a view so picturesque that Audrey wondered if even her faithful Leica could capture the beauty of it. She stretched out in the grass, propped on one elbow, looking up at him, with an apple in her hand, and a smile in her eyes. I'm so happy here, Charles.

  Are you, now? He looked pleased. And why is that, do you suppose? He leaned over and kissed the tip of her nose. Has it occurred to you that I'm happy too? Happier than I've ever been in my entire life.

  She beamed as he leaned over and kissed her full on the lips. What are we going to do when it's time to go back? She had begun worrying about that. Sooner or later the idyll had to end, and she dreaded that. They both did.

  Who determines that, Cinderella? How do we know when it's time to go home?

  I sail on September fourteenth. Back the way she had come ' to responsibility ' and duty ' and Annabelle, who was already feeling unwell with her pregnancy. Her last letter had actually been blurred by the tears that fell on the paper as she wrote, and Audrey felt guilty even staying as long as she'd planned.

  Is that written in stone?

  No. She sighed. But you know I have to go back.

  Why?

  You know why.

  No, I don't. He was teasing her, but he wanted to test how strongly she felt about it. He had had an idea that had been haunting him for days, and he was almost afraid to share it with her, for fear of what she'd say. But he knew that if he could talk her into it, her life would never be quite the same again ' nor would his.

  Charles ' She was looking imploringly at him, with a sorrow in her eyes he had never seen there before. Most of the time they laughed and drank champagne and went to parties with Violet and James, but it was on these little jaunts together that they had the chance to open their souls to each other, as they so often did.

  Why do you look so sad, my love? He lay down beside her on the grass, and the warmth of his body near hers almost drove her mad. She felt things for Charles that she had never dreamed of in her entire life, but he didn't press her in any awkward ways. And now he just looked at her tenderly, tickling her ear with a bright purple flower that grew near where they lay.

  ' Don't press me about not going home. I can't delay my return.

  Why not?

  It wouldn't be fair.

  To whom? He was pressing her, and it was very hard on her.

  To Grandfather. I know what he thought when I left, and I want to prove to him that he was wrong.

  About what? Charles looked suddenly mystified, until she explained.

  I think he had a kind of d+!j+ vu when I left. He was terrified that I would do what my father did ' and I promised him I wouldn't do that ' I just can't do that to him.

  I don't understand. He brushed her lips with his own and she had to fight to concentrate on what she was telling him.

  My father left and never really came back. Not for any length of time anyway. He promised to, but it was stronger than he ' he couldn't come back. He was too in love with the places he went, the people he met, the adventures he found ' . Her voice drifted off, remembering him. He had been the most dashing, romantic man. And then as she thought of him, she looked up at Charles again ' they were so much alike ' it startled her sometimes ' .

  Is that so terrible? It was something he understood so well. He had lived in precisely that way for the past fifteen years. The only difference was that there was no one waiting for him, anywhere. No one who gave a damn where he was at any given time, except friends like Violet and James. But no one cried when he left, and no one counted the hours until he returned. In a way, he envied her that. He would have liked that about having a wife, though not much else.

  I just can't do that to him. Her voice was as soft as the breeze that rippled through her hair.

  And to yourself? Can you give up your dreams, Aud?

  This is my dream. She smiled at him. More than my dream in fact.

  That's not what you told me when we met.

  Yes, it is! She blushed, wondering what she had said, on that first night, when they'd stayed up until the sunrise and told each other about their dreams and their lives and who they really were.

  You said you wanted to see exotic places ' .

  She stretched out her arms to take in the grandiose beauty of the mountainside where they lay in the heart of the Alpes-Maritimes. Well?

  This is hardly what you had in mind ' I think we were talking about Nepal at the time, weren't we? He was teasing her, and pushing her, making her just a little uncomfortable without pushing too hard. He was good at it, but she was a fair match for him.

  This will do. For now.

  And then suddenly, he looked sad. I have to leave in a few days, you know, Aud. It was the first she had heard of it, and she felt her heart stop at his words. She sat staring at him with wide-open eyes. It was coming to an end. She had known it would ' she just hadn't known it would happen so soon. I have a story to write, for the London Times.

  Now? It was a tiny frightened word.

  Soon.

  Where?

  Nanking, Shanghai, Peking '

  My God. She was shocked, but she tried to be a good sport as she smiled, feeling all the air and happiness seem to leave her at once. That s certainly exotic, isn't it?

  He nodded quietly. I wish you could come along.

  So do I. She said the words honestly. It sounded magical to her. Just the names were extraordinary, but they were not destined to be part of her life. At least not now.

  You could take fabulous photographs on a trip like that. He would lure her with anything he could, and she laughed ruefully.


  Among other things.

  When do you go? She reached out a hand to him instinctively and they held hands quietly under the summer sky, feeling the closeness they had built in the short time since they'd met.

  I don't know. I have some work to do in Italy first, and I thought I'd catch the Orient Express in Venice after that.

  She closed her eyes just hearing about it, and he watched her face, and then saw two tears trickle down her cheek, as she looked up at him again. You're a lucky man.

  He shook his head, as unhappy as she was. No, I'm not. The woman I love is going to be halfway around the world ' isn't she? He pressed her hand and she sat up. She was going to have to be an adult about this. There was no point crying about what she couldn't have, and she couldn't have him. Not for long anyway. There was no point fooling herself about that.

  Why don't you come to San Francisco afterward? She smiled and he laughed.

  Just like that, eh? You certainly make it sound easy enough.

  Isn't it? She was teasing him now and he kissed her again.

  Maybe I will. And maybe I'll carry you off on a white horse, with a rose between your teeth.

  That sounds wonderful, Charles.

  Yes ' doesn't it ' . He pulled her down beside him in the grass again, and they lay in each other's arms for a time, until their embraces grew too heated to be restrained, and she wisely pulled away, as he looked regretfully at her. He respected her a great deal, but he had never wanted a woman as desperately as he wanted her, and they had so little time left.

  It added a forced gaiety to the time they spent together with Vi and James. The nights became later and later each day, and filled with more champagne. And it became more and more difficult to tear herself away from him at night and go back to her own room, but she didn't want to do anything foolish before she went home. She would have had to live with the consequences for a lifetime afterward. And Charles didn't want to take any chances with her, no matter how badly he wanted her. He loved her too much for that.

  I think I ought to start taking cold showers, or midnight baths in the sea, not that the Mediterranean is chilly enough. I'm afraid it won't do, he teased one night as they strolled home from a party farther down the beach at Antibes. You're driving me mad, you know. She felt guilty about that, and she didn't mean to tease.

  I'm so sorry, Charles ' . She looked up at him adoringly and he put an arm around her and brought her close to him again.

  You shouldn't be. These have been the best weeks of my life, thanks to you. I'll carry the memories with me to the end of the world. He smiled down at her and kissed the froth of copper hair that danced around her head. He didn't know it yet, but she had a surprise waiting for him. She had been putting together an album of their days in Antibes, filled with photographs she'd had made, duplicating the ones she was keeping for herself. She was going to put it all together for him before he left. He could look at it on the way to Nanking. She didn't even like to think about it now. But she had to. He was leaving in a few days.

  And on their last night, they sat and watched the sun come up, just as they had on the night they met, only a few weeks before. It's hard to believe, isn't it? He looked serious as he sat holding her hand. Vi and James had long since given up and gone to bed, but Charles and Audrey were in no hurry to leave each other that night. It seems as though I've known you all my life.

  It's going to be so strange when you're gone again ' so empty suddenly ' . She was totally honest with him. He was someone she could have said anything to, and she often did, and now he looked down at her, unable to give up the dream of keeping her with him.

  I want to ask you something, Aud. And I want you to think about it before you say no. He stopped and took a deep breath before going on. Will you come with me? Her heart stopped and it must have showed in her eyes. Just as far as Istanbul. You can still get back to London on time. I have to leave Venice on September third. You'll make your sailing on the fourteenth. And then his eyes lit up as he looked at her. Audrey ' She was already shaking her head.

  I can't do that, Charles.

  Why not? God only knows when we'll see each other again. Can you really give this up so easily, waste everything we've had? He looked suddenly angry at her as he stood up and paced the terrace where they waited for the sun to come up. How can you just say no like that? Dammit, Audrey, just this once ' think of yourself ' think of us ' please! ' He turned to her with a look that tore at her heart. At least give it some thought. She promised to, but this time it wasn't her obligations that were stopping her. It was something else. She was afraid to go to Venice with him. She knew what would happen there ' what she would do if she were all alone with him ' she would throw convention to the winds. She was almost ready to do that in Antibes, but she didn't want to do that ' it was a crazy thing to do. And going to Venice was like throwing herself off a cliff. All night she searched his eyes, thinking of what he had asked, and when the sun came up, she turned to him, prepared to tell him that she couldn't go with him, but he silenced her with a kiss, and then suddenly began speaking of Sean ' and how short life was ' how infinitely precious ' how dear ' and she suddenly realized just what his life was like. He was going to China to interview Chiang Kai-shek and to write about Shanghai now that it was threatened by the Japanese. What if he were killed? ' if she never saw him again? ' it was a horrifying thought, and as he kissed her again, and she felt his hands move slowly up her thighs, her breath caught and she almost moaned at his touch.

  Please Audrey ' please ' come to Italy with me ' . Arid when she looked into his eyes, she knew how desperately she wanted to. She couldn't say no to him ' or to herself ' not anymore.

  She whispered the words as he kissed her neck and fondled her breasts. I'll meet you in Venice before you leave. She was shocked at her own words, but as he took her in his arms again and held her there, she didn't regret her promise to him.

  It was what she wanted to do too. And she would just have to be reasonable, and not do anything too insane ' but what could happen after all? It was only for two days before he caught the train.

  They agreed not to tell Vi and James, and when he left the next day, he gave her a lingering kiss for all to see, and she waved until his car was out of sight. And Lady Vi was deeply solicitous after he was gone.

  Are you all right, Aud? She brought her a stiff drink, and looked as though she were prepared to see Audrey collapse in a fit of tears. But she seemed satisfied when Audrey took a sip of the drink and then quietly went to her room to lie down. And when she did, she lay thinking of him, and what she had agreed to do ' she had promised him ' promised him .' It was totally mad, and yet she didn't regret a bit of it ' . The Piazza San Marco at six o'clock on September first. And then, God only knew what would happen after that. But Audrey knew one thing for sure. She had to be there with him.

  Chapter 7

  The next week sped by all too fast. Charles left, and James's brother arrived, and a few days later, Lady Vi's, and as August got under way, one had the feeling that soon it would all end. Audrey decided that it was time to begin her drive. She never mentioned to Violet or James what Charles had suggested before he left. She still wondered if she should back out, if she were doing something too totally mad, but she couldn't bear the thought of going back to the States without seeing him again. She had to meet him in Venice, even if only to say one last good-bye, and give him the album she had made for him.

  It was another tearful farewell when she left Violet and James at last, and leaving the children was even worse. She had bought Alexandra a huge beautiful doll in Cannes at Le R+!ve d'Enfants, and she bought little James a wonderful sailor suit, and a model sailboat he could sail in the park at home. And she gave Violet a handsome crystal and onyx brooch, and James a case of Dom P+!rignon champagne. But better than that she gave them a stack of the photographs she had taken of them. There were marvelous ones of Violet in various costumes and fabulous hats, James fooling around on the beach, and walk
ing quietly with Charles, and another of him at sunset looking into Lady Vi's eyes with a look of tenderness that had brought tears to Audrey's eyes when she saw the photograph all blown up. They were a beautiful souvenir of a summer that none of them would ever forget, and Audrey tried to put it into words as they stood beside the car she had hired, but it was impossible to tell them what she felt. She felt far too much. For all of them.

  Thank you seems such a ridiculously small thing to say in exchange for so much ' . She gave Lady Vi a warm hug, and they were both crying when Violet stepped back again.

  You must write! You promised me!

  I will! I promise you ' . And then she hugged James. They wouldn't be back in London yet when she left on the Mauretania. And he was like an older brother as he kissed her fondly on both cheeks. And she couldn't help wishing that Annabelle had married a man like him, instead of the one she had. She kissed the children one last time, and Violet again, and then crying openly, she got into the car and slid behind the wheel as Violet shook her head again and wiped her eyes with a lace handkerchief.

  She tried to smile through her tears. I haven't felt this awful since Aunt Hattie died last year. She laughed and blew her nose, and Audrey did the same in the car as Lady Vi chided her. You shouldn't be driving by yourself. It's dangerous.

  I'll be fine.

  You're too independent by far! She was sorry that nothing serious had come of it with Charles. He should have stayed and driven her to Italy, but he had been in such a hurry to rush off and do his articles. Perhaps James was right, she decided, as they waved to Audrey as she drove slowly away from them. Charles really wasn't the marrying kind. It's such a damn shame! she shouted at James as Audrey disappeared.

  Well, I didn't send her away, darling. Don't shout at me. He squeezed her shoulders and she blew her nose again and shook her head.

  I didn't mean that. I meant Charles.

  What about Charles? James looked confused.

  It's a damn shame he's not sensible enough to know the perfect wife for him when he sees her.