Wanderlust (1986)

by Steel, Danielle

  You have my word. I shall speak to my men now. Before she could say another word, he disappeared, and she could see only a shadow darting to a shed standing between the orphanage and the chapel. She took the opportunity to cut two towels into strips, pour out a bowl of water, and slice some cheese and bread and dried meat, and when he returned she pointed to all of it standing on the kitchen table. She was boiling some water for green tea, and he seemed weak as he sat down on the kitchen bench, and looked gratefully up at her. Thank you He hastily ate the meat and cheese, and looked too tired to change the dressings, but Audrey was too frightened to do it for him, until she saw him untie the strips of blanket and reveal the ugly wound. He had obviously been struck by a sword, and the gash it had left was red and raw and angry. He had some powder in a small tin in his pocket which he shook into it after she handed him some of the strips of towel soaked in water, and together they cleaned it, and she quietly bound the wound up again as he watched her. You are a brave woman to trust me. How did you come here if you are not a nun?

  She explained to him about the nuns who had been killed, and told him that she had been visiting Harbin. She did not tell him about Charles having come here with her. And she kept her eyes on the bandages as she worked. She was aware of a certain rugged beauty about the man, and a virility that she had never felt before from anyone. It was almost as though he exuded manly powers, and she was torn between fear and admiration of him. In some ways, he was a frightening man, one sensed that he would have leapt like a tiger and killed with one swift move, and yet, as he talked to her, he seemed very gentle. He had powerful hands and an interesting face, and she watched him as he made his way quickly to the meat cellar. He had told her the truth. He knew exactly where it was and how to get into it. He looked at her for one last time, and then closed the door quietly behind him, descending into the darkness as she stood alone in the kitchen with the bowl of blood-soaked water and rags the only reminder that he had been there. She swiftly poured the water into the snow outside the kitchen, and covered the red stain with more snow, burying the rags along with it. It would be spring before anyone discovered the bandages he had used, and he would be long, long gone by then. She went back into the house, and Shin Yu was waiting for her, frantic now, with huge eyes filled with fear.

  It is Ling Hwei, she explained, it is the time. Her baby from God is coming now ' she is very sick ' oh, very, very sick, Miss Audrey ' . Audrey ran up the stairs in her nightgown, still carrying her weapon and the general's, she dumped them all under her bed, and covered them with a spare blanket, and ran to the room where Ling Hwei slept, only to find the other children still asleep, and the young girl, clinging to her thin blanket in pain, her teeth clenched and her eyes wide with agony and terror. Audrey ran a gentle hand across her forehead, and the girl made no sound, but she writhed as though in terrible pain, her hands suddenly grabbing Audrey's.

  It's all right ' it's all right ' I'm going to take you to my room. She swept the girl into her arms, and went quickly to her own room, asking Shin Yu to stay with the other children. She was afraid for her sister and she wanted to go along, but Audrey knew that it was best if she did not observe what Ling Hwei would go through. For months she had stared at those narrow hips and feared that the birth would not be easy for her. She had wanted to call one of the Russian doctors to the girl when the time came, but she knew, from her earlier experience, that they wouldn't care about this Chinese girl. She was no more special than anyone else, and babies were born at home with the help of mothers and sisters and cousins. But this girl had only Audrey to help her, with no experience at all. She had never even seen a baby born, and she sat holding her hand as she wrestled with the contractions in silence. Never did she make any sound, and Audrey wished that she would have. When the other children began waking up, Audrey asked Shin Yu to watch them and prepare their breakfast. She prayed that the general would not emerge from his hiding place, and she had no reason to think that he would, except that she was nervous about it all morning. But she could not leave Ling Hwei, the girl was obviously in terrible pain, and now in spite of herself she was moaning hoarsely and she seemed to be delirious, as she rolled and shrieked, grabbing at Audrey's arms and begging her to help her.

  At last in the late afternoon, thinking that it was taking an unusually long time, she forced Ling Hwei to let her look to see if the baby was coming. The girl cried pathetically like a little child, and Audrey was suddenly reminded of the sobs of Shih Hwa before he died, but Ling Hwei wasn't dying, she was giving birth to the baby she had conceived with the young Japanese soldier the year before, and Audrey was sure that as she lay in agony she bitterly regretted what she had done, but it was too late now and there was no sign at all of the baby's head when she looked, even though Ling Hwei had been in labor for more than twelve hours.

  Shin Yu put the children to bed for Audrey that night, after caring for them all day. She would come and check with Audrey from time to time, and get instructions and check on her sister, but Audrey would not let her see her. She had eaten nothing herself all day long, and Ling Hwei had refused even tea. All she would accept once in a while were tiny sips of water, but now she was crying pathetically most of the time, and Audrey was so distraught that she did not even hear the footsteps behind her in the room, as the general entered it on silent feet at midnight. She jumped with a stifled scream as she saw his shadow on the wall, and it was too late to reach for the pistol she had concealed beneath the bed. She leapt to her feet and wheeled to face him, but his face was peaceful when she did.

  Don't be afraid. His eyes went swiftly to the struggling girl and then back to Audrey. One of the children?

  Audrey nodded, as the girl cried. It had gone on for nineteen hours now, and there was still no progress. She was raped by the Japanese. She didn't want to tell him the truth, that she had willingly slept with one of them, for fear that he would hurt her.

  Animals. He spoke softly in the stuffy room.

  The room was pungent with Ling Hwei's sweat and hard work through the long day and night, and she looked at him now with unseeing eyes. The pains never seemed to relent anymore, and for the last hour, Audrey had been crying with her. She had never felt so helpless in her entire life, and she glanced at the general now as he watched Ling Hwei for a moment. She works hard. He looked as though he knew what it was about, and Audrey turned to him hesitantly. She still wasn't sure if she could trust him, although he had kept his word through the day, keeping to his hiding place in the cellar. She wondered if he was perhaps as honest as he seemed and if he could help the girl struggling with her baby.

  She's been in labor since last night, when you arrived. Almost twenty-four hours now. Audrey felt despair creep into her voice. She was frightened for Ling Hwei, and she herself knew nothing of what to do for her, other than to hold her hand and wait for the baby to be born. But she had no idea how to relieve the agony that the girl was in, or even if one could have.

  Can you see the child's head? Audrey shook her head, and he nodded. She will die then. He spoke gently, but without surprise. In his forty years he had seen a great deal of life, birth and death, and war and despair and starvation. His shoulder no longer hurt quite so much, and he looked more rested than he had the night before, but Audrey looked anguished by what he had just said to her.

  How do you know? she whispered.

  It is written on her face. My firstborn took three days to come. A son. His eyes and mouth remained serious. But she grows weak, and she is young. I can see it. His eyes narrowed as he watched, and then glanced at the American woman.

  We should have a doctor.

  He shook his head. They will not come. And they cannot help her. They can save the child, but no one will want a Japanese bastard.

  What do you mean? She wondered if he would have let her die as she looked from General Chang to Ling Hwei. Can something be done? Audrey knew nothing of the procedures of delivering a baby and was sorry she hadn't listened at greater l
ength to her sister's tales. But Annabelle had had an easy time, it seemed, and they had given her chloroform during the delivery. There was nothing like that here, and she turned to the Mongolian general now, thinking that he was precisely what her image would have been of a warlord. He seemed to be considering the situation, weighing matters that Audrey could not know, and then his eyes met hers. You can cut her. It sounded horrible to Audrey and she wasn't sure what he meant as he went on. With a clean sword. It should be done by a woman, or a holy man, but you do not know how, I can see that.

  Do you?

  I have seen it done. They cut my wife once. With my second son.

  And she survived? That was all Audrey wanted, to save this girl, and to relieve her of the child who was causing her so much pain. Shin Yu knocked softly on the door and Audrey sent her away with muffled words. She didn't want her to see the general there, or for her to see her anguished sister.

  Yes. He nodded in answer to her question. She survived. As did the child. Perhaps this girl will, too, if we do it quickly. First, you must press the child down. Without ceremony, but with gentle hands, he went to Ling Hwei, said only a few words to her, and then looked down at the small mountain of her belly. He felt where it began, and then suddenly, without warning, as she began the next pain, he crushed his full weight down on her as she screamed, pushing the child down so that it would come out. She objected violently, but he did it two more times, as she fought him, and Audrey feared that he would kill her with the pressure of his powerful body, but this time when he bid Audrey to look, she could see a small spot of the baby's head, there was a tiny bit of black hair and she grinned up at General Chang with relief. I can see the baby. He said nothing, but applied pressure two more times, and the circle of the child's head grew, and then he stepped back and looked at Audrey.

  You will need clean towels, sheets, rags. She took that to mean that the baby was coming, and when she returned with her arms full, she jumped as she saw him make a single gesture and flick a long-bladed knife out of his sleeve and pass it through the candle's flame again and again until she could only imagine how hot it was, but this would make it clean, when he made the incision. She realized then that the weapons he had given her had not been all he carried, but she said nothing now. He had been true to his word so far and if he helped her with Ling Hwei she would owe him a debt forever. He held the blade aloft now, and Audrey was not entirely sure where he would apply it. See if you can see more of the baby's head now, he instructed her, but the spot had not grown since he had stopped pressing on Ling Hwei's belly, and the poor girl was crying hideously in ever greater pain as the baby fought to come out and got nowhere. Hold her legs. He spoke in a firm, hard voice, and for a moment, Audrey was frightened. She was trusting this man, and she had no reason to other than the fact that she seemed to have no choice. There was no one else to help her.

  What will you do to her? Audrey was afraid but something in his eyes reassured her.

  I will try to make an opening large enough for the baby's head to pass through. Hurry, we can't let the blade get cold. Audrey hesitated for only an instant, and then with soothing words, she sat down next to Ling Hwei, with her back to the girl's head, and held her legs back as hard as she could. But Ling Hwei presented little resistance. She had no strength left with which to fight them, and as Audrey watched him work, his hand moved deftly with the blade. There was no blood at first, and then suddenly a great gush of it rushed into the towels he had told her to place there. And now, in a strained voice he told Audrey to press on her stomach as he had, and when she was too gentle he shouted at her, caught up in the urgency of it now, too. God only knew how many people this man had killed, and yet he was fighting for one life now, with Audrey. Audrey held her breath and pressed as hard as she could, as he heated the blade again and cut even farther, and then with horrible moans coming from Ling Hwei, the top of the baby's head appeared, and then slowly its forehead, two tiny little ears, a nose and mouth, the entire head was free as Audrey watched in amazement and he ordered her to continue pushing. There was silence from Ling Hwei now, she had lost quantities of blood and the pain had finally become too great. She was unconscious as her little girl came into the world, and the general held her victoriously aloft, as though he had conceived her himself, smiling broadly at Audrey. They wrapped her swiftly in a blanket and cleaned her off with one of the clean towels as she whimpered and then cried and Audrey felt the tears course down her cheeks. She was amazed to see fingers of light streaking in through the window. They had been working together since midnight, and General Chang had saved Ling Hwei and her baby. But his eyes were serious now as he observed the girl, and then examined the wound he had made with his knife. He looked at Audrey and did not tell her what he feared. But she had bled terribly and he doubted that she would live now. Only the baby would survive, unless the young girl was very, very lucky.

  You must sew her, he told her quietly. Audrey swiftly fetched the only needle she had and strong white thread, and passed the tip of the needle into the fire as he had done with his knife, before sewing up the incision. It was the most difficult thing she had ever done, and with every stitch her hand shook and she prayed for the girl. It would be so unfair if she died. It couldn't be. The tears burned Audrey's eyes and it seemed to take a long time to make the necessary repairs, and then gently she cleaned her with cool water and a clean rag. She cleaned her whole body, and then wrapped her in blankets as the general held the sleeping child as though she were his own. Neither of them seemed to remember that she was half Japanese, and neither of them cared. She was a new life, their child, the life they had saved in a night of hard work together. You did very well. His voice was gentle as he watched Audrey with the unconscious girl. Ling Hwei was a pale gray as they watched her and Audrey turned her eyes to his, with frightened questions.

  She looks so pale.

  She has lost a great deal of blood. So had he with his shoulder, but he was a man, and he had lost blood before. Women in childbed were a different matter. His brother had lost two wives that way, but he had two sons. He looked down at the baby then, remembering his own when they were born, and the first time he had held them. It seemed so long ago now, his youngest was eighteen and was in the mountains with Chiang Kai-shek's army, but the feeling was still the same, the feeling of awe that such a thing could occur at all, a new life erupting out of an old one.

  Will she be all right? Audrey's voice was soft as the candle sputtered and she let it go out. The light of the dawn was enough for them to watch her.

  I don't know. And then he looked down at the baby. She must have milk if she cannot have her mother. And when Shin Yu came to the door a little later, she asked her to have one of the children milk their cows, but General Chang thought that the goat's milk would be easier for her to take, so Audrey had them bring both and then she looked at him in dismay. They had no bottle with which to feed her. By miracle they found a leather glove that one of the nuns had worn, and after Audrey made them boil it on the kitchen stove, they were able to pour the goat's milk into it and the baby suckled it happily and then went back to sleep. But Ling Hwei had not woken up yet, and as Audrey watched her she knew that she would not survive the ordeal she had suffered with the birth of the baby. The general returned to the meat cellar for the day. It was too late for him to leave now, and only Shin Yu knew that he was there. And when he came back after nightfall, Audrey was still at her post, feeding the baby every few hours and nursing Ling Hwei, who barely seemed to be breathing and had never regained consciousness since the birth of the baby. Chang held the infant that night, and nursed her with the glove as Audrey silently held Ling Hwei in her arms, and watched her right until she uttered a soft sigh and died as Audrey held her. Audrey kept her there that way for a long time after that, thinking of what a sweet child she had been, and of the pain of the child who now had no mother. The thought of it hurt her to the core, as she thought of her own mother and the lonely existence waiting for Lin
g Hwei's baby, growing up in a world with no one to love her, condemned by Japanese and Chinese alike, in a society where girls were sold for rice or beans or flour. The tears ran down Audrey's face, as she covered Ling Hwei, and clung to her tiny baby. Chang went downstairs and made tea for them and when the dawn came, she woke Shin Yu and told her, and the girl cried and hid her eyes and clung to Audrey, and Audrey felt her pain, remembering how Annabelle had been when their parents died. And General Chang watched them. He had been there for two nights now, and each time he planned to go, something had happened to detain him. He spoke to Audrey briefly before disappearing again for the day, and looked at her urgently this time.

  I must go at nightfall. My men will be impatient. She had been leaving food for them in the shed near the church, but she had never seem them. He had been true to his word so far, and she no longer feared him. Not after what they had done together. There was a bond between them now, which neither would ever forget. And it created something special between them.

  Thank you for your help Her eyes looked deep into his, and expressed her gratitude and something more.

  What will you do with the child? He looked at her strangely, curious about her now. She was an unusual woman in many ways, and he still did not understand how she had come there. She had come from so far away, and she was so serious about her responsibility to her charges. Will you keep her?

  It seemed a strange question and Audrey searched his eyes. I suppose she'll be one of the children here, in the orphanage. She's no different than they are.

  And you? Are you not different now? Is she not a little bit yours after you saw her born? He searched her eyes and slowly Audrey nodded. He was right. She had felt differently since the baby had been born, as though a part of her had been fulfilled. But she had been so upset about Ling Hwei that she hadn't rejoiced in the baby as she otherwise might have.