Wanderlust (1986)

by Steel, Danielle

  Perhaps you will take her with you one day, and give her a better life. He said it as though he hoped she would, as though the baby was something they had shared and he didn't want Audrey to leave her behind when she left China.

  She sighed, knowing the impossibility of that. I would like to take them all home with me when I go. But I can't. When the nuns come, I must go. Her eyes begged him to understand, yet she felt as though she were letting him and the children down.

  You will condemn her to a life of starvation and ignorance here, mademoiselle? She will be fortunate if you take her with you. His eyes were so intense and she felt strangely drawn to him, as though he were someone she had known for a long, long time, as though he were part of a familiar world. Not a Mongol warlord. Or was this the only world familiar to her now, she wondered as he looked at her with wise eyes. I was fortunate to have been sent to Grenoble. He smiled sadly at her. I would like to see something like that happen to this baby. He knew too well the life she would lead if Audrey didn't save her.

  And yet you came back?

  It was my obligation. But this baby has no one here, and no one will want her if she is half Japanese. He could see the difference in her even at birth. She did not look pure Chinese, and of course she wasn't. Perhaps one day they will kill her for that. Save her, mademoiselle. When you go, take her with you. It irked her that he should press her. She didn't even want to think of that now. Ling Hwei had just died and she had all the others to think of, too, not just the baby.

  And the others?

  You will leave them as you found them, but she was not here when you came. Perhaps she is yours now. It was as though he were fighting for this small life, the life he hadn't even wanted to save at first, but now she was theirs. And as Audrey held her to her breast all that day, she kept remembering his words, and she found herself clinging to the tiny baby. They had to report Ling Hwei's death to the local officials, but she was afraid to with Chang and his men there. Instead she wrapped her in blankets, and put her in one of the sheds outside. She would report it the next day when they were gone. And in the meantime, she had her hands full with Shin Yu's grief, and the other children to care for, and now the baby. It even distracted her from thoughts of General Chang all that day, which was just as well, because all her thoughts of him seemed to confuse her. And that night, when the children were in bed, Chang came to her door and knocked softly. He reclaimed his pistol and his sword and looked at her for a long time. He had respect for this woman and wondered if they would meet again. She was more beautiful than the women he had met in Grenoble, and in those days, in his youth, he had pined for his own kind. But now she reminded him of a time long gone, and he reached out and touched her cheek with his hand, and she had never felt a more gentle touch or seen kinder eyes. She realized now at last that she had had nothing to fear from him all along. She realized also how attracted to him she was, but they both knew that nothing would come of it.

  Au revoir, mademoiselle. Perhaps we shall meet again one day. He would have liked nothing better, but he had another life to return to, a life where there was no place at all for her, and never would be.

  Where will you go now? There was worry in her eyes, and concern, and admiration and affection.

  Back across the mountains to Baruun Urta. We will come back this way again sometime, but you will be gone by then, back to your country. Their eyes met and held for a long time, and she had a longing for him that almost frightened her it was so strong, but she had never known anyone quite like him. Even the memory of Charles seemed dim at that very moment.

  Take care of your shoulder, General. He smiled at her, and looked down at the baby in her arms. The little girl slept there, content and warm, like a little angel.

  Take care of our baby, he whispered to her, and touched her face gently with his hand, caressing her with his eyes, and a moment later he was gone, and she heard only a faint crunching in the snow, and then nothing, as she lay in her bed, with the baby held to her bosom, keeping her warm in the freezing air, and remembering all that he had said to her ' take care of our baby ' our baby ' and as she thought of it, she felt a love in her surge up inside as it never had before, a love for the sleeping child in her arms, and the memory of the Mongol general who had saved her. Audrey lay back against her pillows and slept ' dreaming confused dreams of her grandfather, and the baby, and Charles ' and the general.

  Chapter 18

  Mai Li was two months old when the car that had once driven Audrey and Charles from the station drove up in front of the orphanage and two nuns stepped out, in heavy navy blue habits with warm black cloaks and starched white coifs. They had come not from France or Japan, or the other house in China, but from Belgium, and they had taken a long, long time coming. A cable had warned Audrey the month before that they were on their way, but God only knew when they would arrive, and they were amazed to find Audrey there and not their sisters as they got settled. It was odd explaining everything to them, and showing them around, and Audrey found that she felt possessive about each of the remaining sixteen children. They were her children now, especially the younger ones who had come to depend on her so totally, and Shin Yu who looked up to her as she had Ling Hwei, and Mai Li who smiled now everytime Audrey or someone spoke her name. She was a happy, gregarious little baby, and she was well fed and well loved by all of the others.

  Audrey explained to the nuns how she had come to be there, and they were stunned by the decency that had led her to stay with the children. She explained only that she had been traveling with friends, and the friends had returned to England seven months before, while she had stayed. She was free to go now, but she found that it was too painful to tear herself away. She couldn't bear the thought of leaving them now, and Shin Yu had begun teaching her Chinese. Haltingly, she told her how sorry she was to be leaving, and the pretty young girl looked at her sadly. She had lost everyone she loved now, her parents, her brothers, her sister, and now Audrey, who had become something of a guardian angel.

  You will have Mai Li here with you, Shin Yu, but Shin Yu quickly shook her head and there was an ugly look on her face. She was twelve years old now, and she had grown up a great deal in the months that Audrey had been there.

  Mai Li bad baby ' bad baby!

  How can you say that? Audrey reverted to French, shocked at Shin Yu's reaction.

  She is not Chinese, and she is not God's baby. She is Japanese. That why Ling Hwei die, to punish her for Japanese baby.

  Who told you that? Audrey looked shocked at the interpretation, and there had been no one on hand to gossip with her. But Shin Yu pointed to her eyes now.

  I see. Mai Li not look Chinese. She Japanese. And I remember boy Ling Hwei like ' . She looked sorrowful as though she herself had been disgraced. Ling Hwei lie to me. That not God's baby.

  All babies are God's babies. And your sister loved you very much, Shin Yu. Shin Yu did not answer, and Audrey found herself thinking of what General Chang had said, that the child would be spurned because she was neither Japanese nor Chinese. It broke her heart to think of it now, that the baby she had come to love so much would never be accepted by her own people. It made Audrey more and more pensive as she packed her things and got ready to go.

  And that afternoon, she went to the telegraph office to send two cables. The first was to Charles, because she wanted to tell him that she was free now, and would be returning to San Francisco shortly. She knew he would be relieved to hear it, and she didn't want him to have the agony of waiting for a letter, which could take weeks to reach him. The message she sent him was simple and direct.

  NUNS FINALLY HERE. LEAVING HARBIN SHORTLY, RETURNING TO SAN FRANCISCO VIA YOKOHAMA. ALL WELL. I LOVE YOU ALWAYS. AUDREY. And to her grandfather much the same, assuring him that she would give him the exact date of her arrival when she knew it.

  But she was startled when, two days later, a boy arrived from the telegraph office with a cable for her clutched in his hand as he came running. She gave h
im a coin for bringing it to her, and he left with a delighted grin as, with trembling hands, she opened the fragile slip of paper they had sent her. She was terrified the news would be about her grandfather, and the possibility of having stayed too long in Harbin terrified her as she read the words. And then suddenly, her eyes filled with tears and she turned away as the nuns watched her, and then discreetly shooed the children away, and then one of the sisters returned to speak to her gently. Is it very bad news, mademoiselle?

  Audrey shook her head and smiled through her tears. No ' no ' it is not that ' I was afraid at first that it might be my grandfather, but it is not. It is something else entirely. I was just surprised, she fought back fresh tears, and very touched. The cable had been from Charles and she went to her room to read it alone again, and then she went for a long, long walk. She knew she would have to answer him soon, and a letter would not reach him quickly enough. He deserved an answer sooner than a letter would reach him. She had been completely taken aback by the message in his cable.

  THANK GOD. WILL YOU COME HOME VIA LONDON? HAVE SERIOUS PROPOSAL TO DISCUSS WITH YOU. WILL YOU MARRY NEXT MORNING. ME? I LOVE YOU. CHARLES. It said everything she wanted to hear, and yet she knew she couldn't do it. At least not yet. She had been reading between the lines in the letters her grandfather sent. His hand seemed to shake more each day, and he suddenly sounded very frail. He was clearly depressed and no longer believed she was coming home. She absolutely could not go home through London. But to say so in a telegram would be so blunt and unkind and so difficult to explain. If only he would let her go home as quickly as she could and then evaluate the situation there. She already knew that Annabelle was furious with her for not coming home before the birth of their little girl, named Hannah, after their mother. But she had a husband and servants and even a mother-in-law to help her if need be, although Harcourt's mother really wasn't very helpful, and the children Audrey had stayed with had had no one at all. But Annabelle wasn't likely to understand that. It wasn't Annabelle who concerned her anyway. It was her grandfather, and she tried to convey that to Charles in the agonizing telegram she sent him the next morning.

  DARLING, I WOULD LOVE TO COME HOME THROUGH LONDON, BUT I CANNOT. GRANDFATHER NEEDS ME AT ONCE. I MUST RETURN QUICKLY TO SAN FRANCISCO. CAN YOU FORGIVE ME? I WILL CALL YOU IMMEDIATELY FROM HOME TO DISCUSS YOUR PROPOSAL. IT SOUNDS WONDERFUL. CAN YOU COME TO SAN FRANCISCO TO SEE ME? WITH ALL MY HEART. AUDREY. It seemed an inadequate answer and she feared that he would be hurt by her not coming home through London, but there was just no other way ' nor could she see an easy way to desert her grandfather in the near future to get married. Realistically, he would expect her to stay home, at least for a little while. And although she wanted nothing more than to be married to Charles, it was painful to have to make such agonizing choices. And there were others which were almost as painful, or perhaps even more so.

  General Chang's words kept echoing in her ears when they had spoken of the baby they had delivered together ' . Take her with you, mademoiselle. But she didn't see how she could now. She had also thought of taking Shin Yu home with her, but when she had even mentioned it, Shin Yu had looked frightened. She didn't want to leave China. All she knew was Harbin and its surroundings. She wanted to be here with her own kind. She was even used to the orphanage now, as many of the children were. They didn't have a bad life there. All they did not have was a mother and a father. And Audrey had been wonderful to them in the long months she was there. The nuns assured her that her place in heaven was secure after what she had done for the children.

  Audrey cabled to Shanghai for reservations at the Hotel Shanghai, and a cabin on the President Coolidge bound for Yokohama. There was no time to waste now, and two weeks after the Belgian nuns arrived, she had packed all her things, and had only one night left to spend with the children.

  We will pray for you, Mademoiselle Driscoll. They had a festive dinner for her that night, and all the children sang songs. They were very fond of the younger of the two nuns, and not quite as sure of the other, who was inclined to be a bit more strict with them, and they adored Audrey whom they were all used to by now. It was going to be a tearful farewell at the station the next day, but they had all promised to come with her to see her off.

  Before bed that night, Audrey warned the two nuns about General Chang, lest he return, that they need not fear him. And for the first time, she put little Mai Li's basket in a room with some of the other children. If she woke in the night, one of the two nuns would hear her and could feed her the goat's milk she so enjoyed. But it was time for Audrey to wean herself from her. She had to fight herself all night not to answer the anguished cries she heard, and she knew that the baby was crying for her. For two months she had held the child in her arms almost night and day, and Audrey was the only mother she knew, and now she was going to lose her. It tore at Audrey's heart as she lay awake all night, longing for the child with the silky black hair and huge black eyes in the delicate face that broke into huge toothless smiles each time she saw Audrey. It took every ounce of courage she had to tiptoe into the room the next day and look into her basket. And when she did, the baby was looking up at her, with wide questioning eyes, and Audrey could bear it no more. She took the baby out of the basket and held her tightly in her arms, crooning softly to her as tears poured down her cheeks. All she could think of was the sweet child who had given her life to give birth to this baby, and Audrey had never loved another human being as she loved this one. She was so distraught as she held the infant that she did not hear the sister sweep quietly into the room behind her.

  She watched Audrey cry for a little while and then came to put an arm around her.

  Take her with you, mademoiselle ' take her ' you cannot leave her.

  I know. They were anguished words as Audrey turned to face the older of the two nuns. Her eyes were damp as well and she looked gently at Audrey.

  You must not leave someone you love so much. And she will have no life here. She will be shunned by all in time. She is neither Japanese nor Chinese. But she is yours, she is yours in your heart and that is the only thing that matters.

  And in San Francisco? She asked herself more than the nun, but all she could hear now were the general's words, Take her when you go ' take her when you go ' . What will they do to her there?

  You will be there to protect her.

  And Grandfather? And Annabelle? ' And Harcourt? ' And Charles? Would he understand it? But all she could think of was this tiny baby she loved so much. They were right. She couldn't leave her. She couldn't. She looked at the nun as tears poured down her face now, clinging tightly to Mai Li. What will I do? How do I take her with me?

  The nun smiled through her own tears. She thought Audrey the most amazing woman she had ever met, and she was. We pack her clothes and her basket and you take her, with a supply of goat's milk and your love.

  Don't I need papers for her? A passport? She was leaving in two hours, and she had thought of none of this, and suddenly she wanted to take Shin Yu, too, and all of them, but she knew she couldn't.

  But Mai Li was different, Mai Li had been hers from the beginning, and if she left her here, no one would ever love her. The very thought tore at Audrey's heart as the nun watched her.

  We will give you a paper, certifying that she is an orphan, from this orphanage, and you present it to the officials in Shanghai when you leave. They will not stop you. They do not want her. And in your country, if she is in your protection, and you promise to adopt her, you can get her in. It will be easier going home as you are, rather than crossing so many borders going back the way you came. It all seemed so simple, and suddenly Audrey's hands flew as she packed for the baby as well as herself.

  In less than an hour they were all at the station, and there were no dry eyes. She had given the nuns an enormous draft on the American Bank in Harbin. She wanted the money used for the children, and she explained to Shin Yu that if she changed her mind and wanted to go with her, she would tak
e her, too, or send for her anytime she wanted. But Shin Yu shook her head as she cried, and clung to the young nun's hand. She wanted to stay here. She refused to kiss Mai Li, and all the other children kissed Audrey good-bye as she cried, and at last Shin Yu did too, and Audrey was still sobbing as the train pulled away and she clung to Mai Li in her arms.

  She knew she would never return here again, or she was not likely to, and she was leaving them all behind ' all the children she had loved and cared for, for eight months, the memory of Ling Hwei ' and General Chang ' she looked down at the sleeping babe as she thought of them all, and closed her eyes as she began her journey home at long last,with Mai Li secure in her arms as she thought of those she was leaving and those to whom she was returning, wondering how she would bridge the two worlds in one lifetime.

  Chapter 19

  Audrey spent one night in Shanghai at the Hotel Shanghai before boarding the President Coolidge the next day. She had traveled from Harbin to Peking and from there she had taken one of the new sleeping cars direct to Shanghai. She did not want to waste time now. And once in Shanghai, all she could think of was Charles. She remembered the time they had spent there, and she kept thinking that she had had no answer to her cable telling him that she could not come through London. But she had other things to think of now. The nuns had been true to their word, and the paper they had given her in Harbin satisfied the local officials as to Mai Li's origins. They gave Audrey no problems at all about taking her out, nor did the Japanese. She was amazed at how easy it was, and she heaved a sigh of relief when she boarded the President Coolidge. It was almost June, and she had been gone almost exactly a year. She had cabled ahead what ship she would be arriving on, and she was going to try to call them from Honolulu when the ship docked there.

  They docked at Kobe first, two days after leaving Shanghai, and from there they went on to Yokohama, and from there they sailed straight for Honolulu, and as Audrey settled down in her cabin with Mai Li, she felt as though she were almost home. She met very few people on the trip, and she kept to her cabin with the baby most of the time. She walked the decks to get some air, and chatted with a few people along the way, but she took her meals in her cabin so as not to leave Mai Li alone, and she didn't want any strangers baby-sitting for her. So it was a quiet trip for her, and she was lost in her own thoughts most of the time. She rejoiced in the ship's well-stocked library, and caught up on many of the books she'd missed in the last year, like God's Little Acre by Erskine Caldwell, Lost Horizon by James Hilton, and Tender Is the Night by F. Scott Fitzgerald, and they arrived in Hawaii in just under twelve days. They stayed on board for the night there, and set sail again the next day, and it seemed like a mirage to her when the ship slipped into the San Francisco Bay six days later and moored at the Embarcadero. Her heart was pounding as she looked at the dock, wondering if anyone would be there. She had tried to call her grandfather from Honolulu but hadn't been able to get through so she sent a cable instead. And then suddenly tears leapt to her eyes as she saw him. The familiar figure with the silver-headed cane stood on the quay as they docked, alone, staring at the ship, and had she been closer she would have seen the tears rolling unchecked down his cheeks. But his eyes were dry when she met him.