Wanderlust (1986)

by Steel, Danielle

  Is it? Her eyes narrowed as she looked at her sister. I think maybe you didn't want to be bothered with your responsibilities here, so you dumped all of us. You probably hoped Grampa would drop dead and you could cash in when you came back. Rotten luck, he's still around, and so am I. And if you think I'm going to take care of him for you, you're crazy. Audrey got to her feet, horrified at what she was hearing.

  What's wrong with you? What's happened in the last year? What happened to the Annabelle I knew? She walked over to her and had to restrain herself not to shake her.

  I grew up that's all. Annabelle looked indifferently at the sister whom she felt had abandoned her. After giving her fourteen years of her life, Annie wanted more, and Audrey didn't have it to give her. It was time she stood on her own two feet, but Audrey was appalled at how she was doing it. She was turning into an expensive whore, a bad wife, a rotten mother, and an ingrate.

  I don't call that growing up. I call it disgusting. You'd better think twice about where you're going, Annabelle. You're about to destroy your marriage, and probably your children's lives at the same time.

  What the hell do you know about that, Miss Eternal Virgin. Or has all that changed now? Audrey wanted to put her hands around her neck and throttle her, but Annabelle was saved by the fact that their grandfather walked in, and Audrey restrained herself. He sensed that there was something heavy in the air, and in order to lighten it, he asked Annabelle if she had seen Molly. Who's that? She looked at Audrey in confusion, and Audrey looked at her with fury barely concealed in her eyes as she stood up.

  My daughter.

  What? It was a shriek you could have heard through the whole house and their grandfather barely concealed a smile.

  I wouldn't exactly say that, Audrey.

  She is indeed. There was something intransigent in her voice and face as she looked at him and then her sister.

  Where is she? Annabelle couldn't believe her ears, and she flew upstairs to Audrey's room to find the tiny almond-eyed bundle asleep in the basket Audrey had set up beside her bed. Annabelle was back downstairs again in a moment. Well, I'll be damned. Muriel Browne was right, then ' and what's more he was a Chink! Annabelle seemed to gloat over her sister, as Audrey looked at her with empty eyes.

  Muriel Browne was not right, Annabelle. Mai Li was one of the orphans I took care of.

  I'll bet. She laughed meanly at what she thought was her sister's disgrace, and Audrey watched her as she straightened her hat in the mirror.

  Why do you suddenly hate me so much, Annabelle? What have I done to you? There was pain in her voice as she asked her, and her younger sister pivoted slowly on one heel as she turned to look at Audrey.

  You deserted me, that's what you did. You dumped everything on me, the house, the kids, the servants, you ruined our vacation, my life ' hell, you even ruined my marriage ' . And it was obvious that Annabelle believed that.

  And how did I do that?

  You dumped everything on me, and then you left, bang, for a whole year. You didn't give a damn that I was pregnant, that I needed you, that ' She shrugged, What difference does it make?

  It makes a big difference to me, Annie. Audrey spoke sadly as their grandfather watched them. When I left here, I had a sister. Now I don't, from what I can see. I thought we were friends, enough so that you would understand that I needed to get away. Those aren't my responsibilities you're talking about. They're yours. But she didn't see it that way.

  They didn't used to be.

  That's the whole point. It was time you learned to take care of your own life ' Harcourt wants you to ' .

  To hell with Harcourt. She tossed off her drink and walked to the door, with a glance over her shoulder at Audrey. Come to think of it, to hell with you, too. You didn't give a damn about me while you stayed away, and now I don't give a damn about you. And as the door slammed behind her, Audrey wondered if she ever had. She walked slowly back upstairs to Molly, as her grandfather watched her.

  Chapter 22

  In the first days back, there were moments when Audrey felt like a total stranger. Two of the maids she had hired for her grandfather before she left had quit while she was gone, and his ancient butler had finally retired. But it was not so much the changes in the household that shocked her, but the changes in the world. She felt as though she had been on another planet for the past year, and now everything was moving much too quickly. Nothing but the sketchiest reports of world events had reached her in Harbin, and none of it told her anything of what was happening in America.

  The economy had finally improved, and San Francisco appeared to be in grand spirits when she returned. Her grandfather still complained about Roosevelt, of course, and he thought his fireside chats absurd, but when she insisted that the country was healthier, he only growled and told her to wait! It was obvious to him that FDR was going to cause trouble, albeit of an unspecified nature.

  Only days after her return, there were reports of a Nazi Blood Purge in Germany, which exterminated all of those allegedly guilty of plotting against Hitler. There were nearly a hundred of them, and the world was shocked at their summary disposal. On July sixteenth a general strike was called in the States, which began in sympathy with the international longshoremen. Nine days later Austrian Chancellor Dollfuss was killed, and Berlin denied any involvement. On August second, Germany's President Hindenburg died, and in a little over two weeks Adolf Hitler was voted into the presidency, although he retained his previous title as Der F++hrer. Air France had been formed, and in the States, both American and Continental had appeared. Several new trains had sprung into being, though none of them as elegant as the Orient Express. And all in all, Audrey's head swam just trying to keep up with it all, and catch up on what she had missed during her lengthy absence.

  But more than anything, she herself seemed to have changed. She felt less involved in life here, and San Francisco suddenly seemed terribly insular and provincial. People gossiped all the time, about each other's wardrobes and husbands and dinner parties, and somehow Audrey couldn't seem to get involved in it anymore. She couldn't even make the pretense. All she could think about was Charles, but he had steadfastly not answered her last two letters.

  And whereas before she had gone through the motions and made the social rounds from time to time, now all she wanted to do was keep to herself and stay home with her grandfather and the baby. He noticed it too, and at first he just thought she was tired from the trip, but he began to watch her more closely as July drew to a close. She'd been home for more than a month by then, and had looked up none of her old friends. He wondered if she had fallen in love with someone during her trip, and he prayed that it was not some Oriental. He still worried at times about the baby, but she did not appear to be Eurasian, she had marked Oriental features, and he had to admit that she was awfully appealing. She was a happy, smiling, little thing and Audrey never let her out of her sight, and he persisted in calling her Molly.

  It amazed her to realize how many people suspected the child was hers, not that she cared. The people with small minds thought she had stayed away to give birth to an illegitimate Chinese child. It amazed her to think they would even think of that. She hadn't even considered that before she came home with her.

  Annabelle did not come to the house again while Audrey was there, although she read in the papers that she had gone to Carmel with friends. And their grandfather didn't question either of them, although he knew of the rift that had come between them. But Audrey never complained, and she was too busy moving everyone to the lake for him. He only wanted to spend a few weeks there this year. He was more easily tired now, and he was afraid that he wouldn't feel as well in the altitude. He was eighty-two years old now, and he had slowed down a great deal in the past year, although his opinions were just as strong. And when they got in their first violent argument over Earl Grey tea one morning at the breakfast table, Audrey sat back in her chair and laughed, and she looked happier than she had in weeks.

  I
t's just like old times, isn't it, Grampa? She remembered their battles about Roosevelt just before she left and she looked benevolently at him as he concealed a smile from her.

  You're no smarter than you were a year ago. But then, running around the world like a fool never did anything for Roland either. At least he was smart enough not to come home with any foreign brats. But there was no meanness as he spoke, and Audrey didn't bridle as she might have a few weeks before. She had watched him play with the baby when he thought no one was around, and he delighted in her little cooing sounds, and insisted that she had already said his name. She said, Gramp, Audrey! I know she did ' bright little thing ' . He thought Audrey had taken on a tremendous burden in bringing her home though, and when she tried to describe the fate she would have had to leave her to, he felt sorry for them both, Audrey for what she had taken on, and the child who would never be accepted in the States, or so he thought anyway.

  She'll grow up as my own, Grampa. But that was just what he feared.

  He shook his head slowly, as they talked about it one night, up at the lake. It doesn't work like that. And even if it does, no man will marry you now. They'll all suspect she's yours.

  Would that make me so terrible if she were? She sounded tired now. One had to fight so many things here, prejudice and selfishness, and what everyone said all over town. In China it was so much simpler worrying about bandits and floods and running out of food or clean water. Life seemed so much more complicated here. But she had already begun to forget the difficulties of her life in Harbin, the terrors, and the agony of helplessness and loss when Shih Hwa and the others died ' her sorrow over Ling Hwei ' all she remembered now were the little faces she had loved so much ' the little ones ' and Shin Yu. She wondered so often how they were. She had sent another draft to the American Bank in Harbin as soon as she arrived, to provide for anything they might need, but it seemed so little to do for them. How can people begrudge Mai Li a decent life here, Grampa?

  Because she's different than they are, Audrey.

  He spoke quietly now. That frightens some people a great deal. Not everyone has the open mind you do.

  I'll be there to protect her, Grampa. Just as she had been there for Annabelle, for as long as she could. And he patted her hand.

  I know you will, child. Just as you are for me, and Annie, and everyone. You're too good to all of us. It was the first time he had ever said that to her and she was touched by it. Your heart is too big. You ought to start thinking of yourself now, Audrey.

  She laughed softly in the clear mountain air, as they sat on the porch in rocking chairs looking up at the stars. Don't tell me you're worrying about my being an old maid too.

  He smiled. It wouldn't do any good if he were. He knew her too well, and she would do exactly what she wanted with her life, particularly once he was gone. And there weren't many men who would have been big enough for her, big enough in mind and in heart and in spirit. He glanced over at her as they sat and rocked, and he saw the beauty that had sharpened in the last year. She was more than just beautiful now, there was something about her that glowed from within. She was striking and suddenly very, very lovely.

  You're a handsome girl, Audrey. You should find the right man one day.

  She almost told him then about Charles, but she didn't want to worry him. He was getting so old and frail after all. She didn't want him to think he prevented her from marrying. She owed him that much.

  Shall we go in, Grampa?

  I suppose so, my dear. He looked at her tenderly, knowing full well how good she was to him.

  Tahoe was the same as it had been every year she'd gone there with him. The Dollars entertained as they always did. The Drums were there, and the Aliens. But Audrey seldom went out, and she never saw them. She stayed home with her grandfather, and Mai Li, who was becoming Molly to everyone now, even to her. The baby was six months old and laughing and smiling most of the time. And she began crawling the day they went home. It was the same day the S.S. Mono Castle caught fire off New Jersey and went aground. It was a terrible tragedy and hundreds of lives were lost. Audrey listened to reports of it on the radio, and the newspaper photographs of the disaster were grim. But the nation was even more upset less than two weeks later when Bruno Richard Hauptmann was caught, for possession of the ransom money paid in the Lindbergh kidnapping two years before. The Lindbergh child had been killed, of course, and the drama had caused untold grief, and there was no way of knowing whether Hauptmann was truly guilty or not, but the authorities seemed to think he was. Audrey and her grandfather discussed it at great length, and she was playing with Mai Li, and thinking about it later in the afternoon when the butler came to tell her that there was a telephone call for her. He did not know who the gentleman was, he informed her with a disapproving air, and she followed him to the phone after entrusting Mai Li to one of the maids.

  Hello? She was still thinking of the Lindbergh affair when she answered the phone with a puzzled frown. Who is this?

  There was a brief pause. And then her heart stopped when he spoke. It was Charlie.

  Chapter 23

  Audrey? Her heart pounded in her ears at the sound of his voice, and her mouth was so dry she could barely speak.

  Yes. He sounded so close. Where are you? There was no need to ask who it was. She would have known his voice anywhere. She heard it every night in her dreams, and she heard it now, barely louder than her thumping heart as she listened.

  I'm in California. Los Angeles actually. He sounded more British than he had before, and the memories of him washed over her in waves. How long have you been back? He hadn't corresponded with her since receiving her second cable from Harbin. There had been nothing left to say, as far as he was concerned, after she refused his proposal of marriage. And he had debated lengthily about calling her now. It had taken him two days to make the decision. Two agonizing days, trying to force himself not to call her. But eventually he couldn't stand it. He had rushed back to his room, picked up the phone and asked the operator for her number as he held the phone with trembling hands, and now there she was, her voice just as he remembered.

  I came back in June.

  Your grandfather's well?

  More or less. He's gotten very frail in the past year. She sighed and then added. He was happy to have me back. But for a moment, Charlie only nodded ' he was thinking of all the conversations they had had about her grandfather and her sister and her duties in San Francisco.

  And your sister?

  Audrey sighed again. She hasn't gotten any easier while I was gone. Actually ' She tried to find the right words, she's changed ' I don't think her life is going very well. It didn't surprise him. She had always sounded like a spoiled brat, and maybe now, with a little distance, Audrey saw it more clearly. What about you? How long are you here for?

  Just a few days. I flew to New York, and then out here. They're talking about doing a film of one of my books. It's very flattering actually.

  She smiled, her eyes closed, imagining the handsome well-chiseled face before her. Are you in it, Charlie?

  He laughed at the thought. God, no. What a thought.

  You'd be wonderful. Her voice was so gentle and so silky that it made his heart ache. He wanted desperately to see her.

  And you? What are you doing with your life now? It seemed strange to be catching up like this. Once upon a time, not so long ago, they had been closer to each other than to any other human beings on earth. But now, it had been eleven months since he'd seen her.

  I'm doing what I've always done. Taking care of Grandfather and ' She had been about to say Mai Li, and then realized that he didn't know about her, and it seemed difficult to explain over the phone. Something stopped her from telling him.

  And your sister?

  More or less. It was just too difficult to explain and there was a sudden silence as he debated whether or not to ask her and then decided to throw caution to the winds. He had come this far, he might as well ' .

 
; Audrey? '

  Yes? She waited.

  Do you want me to come up?

  She felt as though someone were squeezing her heart as she nodded. She didn't have the strength to say no. She wanted to see him, even if it was only for a moment, no matter how hopeless it was, or how bogged down she was in San Francisco. Yes ' I do ' more than anything. She wasn't afraid to let him see how much she still loved him. Can you do that?

  I think so. I finish my business here tomorrow. I could fly up tomorrow night. Are you free then?

  She laughed at the question. She was free for the rest of her life, especially for Charlie.

  I think I can arrange it. She sounded as she always had, the little edge of humor, blended with the sexiness of her voice. She didn't have the raw sensuality of someone like Charlotte, but they were two very different women. Charlotte was someone to play with, to talk to, to work with ' but Audrey ' Audrey was a piece of his soul, a part of his flesh, the most important part of his being. Can I pick you up at the airport?

  Do you want to?

  I'd love it.

  I'll let you know what time I'm arriving.

  I'll be there ' and Charlie?

  Yes?

  Thank you.

  His heart went out to her, and he hung up feeling like a schoolboy again, desperately glad that he had called her. And the next day dragged by interminably for both of them. She went downtown with her grandfather, and took Mai Li to the doctor for a vaccination. She thought about going to the hairdresser before picking him up, but that seemed too much like something her sister would have done, and she would have met him feeling like a stranger. Instead, she wore a new gray wool dress, her pearls, and wore her copper hair waving to her shoulders as he liked it best, and she carried a fox jacket over her arm as she parked her car, and walked into the airport.

  Unconsciously she felt his gold signet ring, still on her finger. Even her grandfather had noticed it, but he had never asked her where it came from. She had ten minutes before his flight arrived, and all she could do was pace up and down, thinking of the last time she had seen him. She remembered his face as the train pulled away in Harbin, the tears on his cheeks, the look in his eyes ' and then suddenly they announced his flight, and Audrey felt an electric current shoot through her.