Wanderlust (1986)

by Steel, Danielle

  I'm staying here. With you. She said it very quietly and he reached out and took her hand. They had loved each other for six years now ' it had been almost exactly six years before that they had been crossing Asia by train. And they had come a long, long way side by side. She didn't even care anymore if he married her, or if they had their own children. She was content with Molly and the man she loved. They were accepted by everyone in London society, and known by everyone as Mrs. Driscoll and Mr. Parker-Scott. There was no pretense that they were anything other than they were, but it seemed to be good enough for everyone, and she wasn't going to leave him now, not after six years, or because of a war. And if London went down in flames at Hitler's hand, then she'd stand beside Charles to the bitter end, and she told him so now in an impassioned speech that took him by surprise as he watched her. There was a depth and fire to the woman that he sometimes forgot, barred as it was by her quiet, competent exterior.

  I suppose that takes care of that, doesn't it? But he was pleased that she wanted to stay with him, even though he'd already put his name on a list of volunteers, as had James. James wanted to be a pilot desperately, although Charles was far more interested in Intelligence and had told them so at the Home Office. He had the perfect cover as a journalist, and they told him they would be in touch. He suspected they were investigating him thoroughly and he would hear from them eventually, which he did. On the day Warsaw fell. It was a tragedy that touched them all, and spirits all over Europe were darkened.

  Two days later Poland was divided up between Russia and Germany, like a carcass torn limb from limb by two wolves, and Audrey felt ill every time she heard snatches of news on the radio and terrible tales about the valiant people who had died in the ghetto. She talked to Charles about it endlessly, and he was relieved that he had heard from the Home Office at last. At least he could do something now, or so he thought. They had promised to be in touch with him shortly. And before they were, the British sent 158,000 men into France to defend their allies. Charlie was longing to be one of them. But it was another two months before Charlie had heard from the Home Office at last and had been appointed an Official War Correspondent and was free to enter any of the military theaters, waiting for assignment.

  But he was desperately jealous of James, already assigned to the RAF, and Violet had volunteered as a lorry driver for the Red Cross. She seemed to be enjoying it, and whenever Audrey saw her, she seemed terribly busy and preoccupied. She wasn't the old Lady Vi anymore, going shopping with friends, playing with the children, and serving high tea in her library. Audrey was lonely for her at times. But she kept busy with her photography. There seemed to be a lot more to do now, and Charlie was anxious to be off. But it was the following July before he got a call from the Home Office. Denmark and Norway had fallen three months before, the Lowlands the month after, Belgium as well. And Paris had fallen only two weeks before they called Charlie from the Home Office.

  Until that time, he had been covering war news from London with occasional forays into the Lowlands and Belgium, and even Paris, all before they fell. But they had all been short trips, and he had been anxious to do something more exciting. He had complained to Audrey about it more than once, and she told him to be patient. He was writing for important newspapers around the world, feeding them the information that the British wished to share. He had met Churchill more than once, and was in awe of the man's great mind, and Audrey assured Charles that he was doing a splendid job where he was, but she knew that he wouldn't be satisfied to sit there forever, particularly not with James in the RAF.

  When Audrey saw Charlie's face the night he got the call, she knew that something had happened.

  What's up, love? She eyed him suspiciously, as he walked in the front door.

  Nothing much. How was your day?

  Okay. She showed him the photographs she had developed that afternoon while Molly played outside with the neighbor's child, and then they made small talk for a while. And finally she looked at him with a small, sad, knowing smile. When are you going to tell me the news I won't like, Charles?

  What makes you think that, Aud? But he looked guilty as she asked. The trouble was she knew him too well. She had seen the troubled look in his eyes. In some ways he was excited with what they had offered him, and in other ways he hated leaving her behind now.

  What is it, Charles? Her voice was soft, and her eyes so haunting as she looked at him that he couldn't hide it from her anymore.

  Did you hear the news today?

  Slowly, she shook her head. For once, she hadn't played the radio in her darkroom while she worked, maybe because she was tired of all the ugly things she always heard. And now she had missed another one. What happened now? It was getting more depressing every day, and more depressing still, to her, was the fact that the United States refused to get involved, as though the war in Europe could still be ignored. They were playing ostrich and it infuriated her whenever she thought of it. She was ashamed to admit that she was an American now. She wanted the U.S. to roll up its sleeves and come to the aid of all those so desperately in need of it. But she only looked up at Charles, with fear in her eyes. What happened now?

  We sank the French fleet in Oran today.

  That's in Algeria, isn't it? He nodded. Why?

  Because they're not our allies anymore. They're in German hands, Aud, and we didn't want the Germans to get their hands on their ships. It was a terrible waste. We didn't admit to it, of course. The news just said that the ships had been sunk. But we really had no choice.

  Were many men killed? She was so tired of hearing about it, thousands here and thousands there ' and people like Karl ' and the ones who had died in Warsaw in '39 ' .

  About a thousand or so. His eyes met hers for what seemed like a very long time. They want me to go over there, Aud.

  To Algeria? She felt something turn over in the pit of her stomach.

  To report on the sinking of the fleet in Oran, and then move on to Cairo for a little while, now that things are starting to happen there. Actually nothing had yet, but Mussolini had threatened to invade Egypt only six days before, and the British wanted more of their correspondents over there, or at least they wanted him there anyway, but he suddenly felt terrible when he saw the look on Audrey's face. Don't look like that, Aud.

  Her eyes filled with tears and she turned her back to him. So this was what it was like to be involved, she thought to herself. Maybe the United States was right not to sink their men into it after all. But she could feel him standing right behind her, with his hands on her arms. He turned her slowly to face him again and took her face in his hands. I won't be gone for too long.

  This is what you wanted, isn't it? He had been chafing to do something like that for the last ten months since war had been declared, but now suddenly it all felt so different to her ' now that it was Charles ' she felt almost physically ill thinking of the danger he'd be in. When will you be back?

  I don't know yet. It'll depend on what happens when I'm there. But being a war correspondent isn't like being a foot soldier after all, you come and go and it really isn't dangerous ' .

  She was quick to cut him off, her eyes filled with pain, You can get killed just like everyone else. Damn you, why couldn't you do something sensible here at home?

  Like what? He raised his voice to her in spite of himself. Knit? Dammit, Audrey, I need to get out there and do this. Look at James. He's been bombing hell out of the Germans for the last six months for chrissake.

  Well, good for him. But if he gets killed out there, showing off, it won't do Vi and the children any good will it? She was crying now and he pulled her close to him. There were reasons why she felt that way, but she couldn't tell him. It wouldn't be fair to him. And she had only found out herself two days before that she was pregnant. And she had been waiting for the right time to break the news to him.

  I'll be back, Audrey, I promise you ' I'll be in Cairo perfectly safe ' .

  And then suddenly, she la
ughed through her tears and pulled away to look at him. That stupid place. Look what happened the last time you went there!

  He laughed too, knowing what she meant. I promise not to get married again. I give you my word. He held up a hand in oath and she placed her own palm up against his.

  I love you so much. Swear to me that you'll take care of yourself, no matter what, or I'll come over and take care of you myself.

  I believe you just might. He looked amused, but she did not. She had a heavy burden to carry without him.

  I'm not afraid to come running after you. So don't forget that, kid. And the look in her eyes said that she meant every word of it.

  I'll keep it in mind. But neither of them thought of anything but each other's bodies later that night as they made love for the last time. He was leaving the next day. They hadn't given him much notice, but he thought it was just as well. He told her as he left that he didn't think he'd be gone for more than a month or two, if that. And she promised to take care of herself and Molly and write to him every day. He would be staying at Shepheard's Hotel and he had already heard that it offered every possible luxury, but he didn't tell her that as he gave her a last wave and disappeared in the jeep that came to pick him up at the crack of dawn. He had a military plane to catch in a little over an hour, and as he drove away he prayed that she and Molly would be all right. They had already spent more than one night in the bomb shelter nearest to their house, and everyone seemed fairly well used to it by now, but it was still an unpleasant way to live, and he worried about them whenever he was out. He would worry even more now, but at least he would be busy in Oran, and Cairo after that. Audrey was standing lost in thought in their living room after he left, with a vacant look in her eyes thinking of their baby.

  She wondered if she should have told him before he left, but it wouldn't have been fair to him. She thought of the irony of Charlotte's lie to make him marry her ' and now, when it was true, Audrey had said nothing to him. And then suddenly, panic filled her soul. What if he were killed ' what if ' she felt terror rise up in her throat and almost strangle her. It took her several hours to calm down, and she was still feeling shaken and bereft when she went to Violet's that night for dinner. She took Molly with her, because she didn't trust anyone to get her to the bomb shelter on time if need be. And the children were playing upstairs when Audrey looked at Lady Vi.

  How do you stand it? Audrey's eyes looked different than they had before. Sleepier, and more worried now. She wasn't very far along yet, and she'd been so excited when she first heard, she had wanted to rush home and tell Charles, but she'd been waiting for just the right moment. She didn't want to worry him. And now '

  Stand what? Lady Vi smiled at her. The air raids? I suppose one gets used to them. The children certainly did. The children went right on playing in the shelter despite the bombs, as though they were used to them now. It always unnerved Audrey watching them. It seemed such a terrible way to grow up, worse still because they were all so used to it. But she shook her head at Vi.

  Not the air raids ' the worry ' doesn't it drive you mad worrying about him?

  This time Violet didn't smile. All the time. There isn't a moment I don't think about it, I'm afraid. But we haven't much choice, have we, my dear? Their eyes met and Audrey's eyes filled with tears, and suddenly she couldn't stand it anymore. She had to tell someone, and as Vi came and put her arms around her, she looked mournfully up at her friend.

  Oh Vi ' I'm having a baby ' and Charlie doesn't know ' I was going to tell him before he left but I didn't want to worry him ' . She was sobbing now. And what if ' .

  Stop it! Violet squeezed her shoulders hard, half happy for her, and half not. It was a terrible time to be pregnant, and alone. But she knew how badly Charlie had wanted a child, and she smiled down at her. That's wonderful news, Aud. Now, you must take very good care of yourself, eat as well as you can, despite the rationing, and get lots of rest! They both thought of the air raids every night and Audrey smiled at her.

  Do you suppose I should have told him before he left?

  Lady Vi shook her head. You did the right thing. He'd be half mad with worrying about you, and he wouldn't pay attention to what he's doing there. I do the same with James. I just tell him all is well with us, so when he's up in that plane, he can concentrate on what he's doing and come home as quickly as he can. They can't afford the distractions right now. It could cost them their lives, but she didn't say that to her friend. And the two women chatted for a long time, Audrey feeling relieved to have confided in her. And Violet wasn't surprised at the pregnancy. She was only surprised that it hadn't happened long before this. She wondered if Charles would press Charlotte again now. Violet hadn't had a chance to say anything to him before he left, but she had heard some strange rumors about her. And she didn't want to upset Audrey now.

  They were saying good night to each other, with Molly asleep in Audrey's arms, when the sirens began to wail, and Violet had to run and fetch Alexandra and James, and round her servants up, and they all went scurrying to the shelter together, as Violet held Audrey's arm. She was afraid she would fall on the loose stones, and that was important now. Suddenly the child signified life to both of them, and it was important to protect this unborn child that only they knew about.

  Once they were in the shelter, Audrey smiled at her.

  I'm glad I told you, Vi.

  So am I. She smiled, and the two women held hands as the bombs fell all around them.

  Chapter 35

  Almost a week went by before she and Molly saw Violet again, and Vi looked worried this time. She confessed to Audrey as the children played that the RAF was engaged in night bombing raids on Germany. And it was no secret she was doubly worried about James these days. He was flying almost all the time and although he had made an astonishing number of kills, she was worried sick about him. And Audrey tried to cheer her, as she noticed how much weight Violet had lost recently. They all had, but Vi looked even thinner than most. She had always had such an easy, indolent life, and now suddenly, she was daily battling reality and fear, with a sense of helplessness about it all. There was nothing she could do to keep James safe, except pray, and it was eating at her.

  He'll be fine, Vi. Audrey reassured her friend, hoping she was right and he'd be lucky. He's the best there is. Their eyes met then, and Violet's eyes filled with tears. This time she needed Audrey to comfort her.

  I couldn't live without him, Aud. Audrey put her arms around her and they held each other for a long time, deriving what comfort they could, and then Violet smiled at her.

  How do you feel?

  All right. She was nauseous much of the time, but it was for a good cause, and she didn't complain. She was excited about the baby now, and anxious to tell Charlie when he returned. It was due by March, and she was just two months pregnant. Nothing showed, of course, but she thought her stomach was rounder than it had been before. And she was tired most of the time. But it was difficult to say if that was from the pregnancy, or simply from lack of sleep. They were in the shelter almost every night, and the bombs seemed to fall on their neighborhood constantly. Several houses had been destroyed, and things were constantly falling off shelves and shattering as the bombs hit. It was hard on everyone's nerves, but Audrey seemed to feel it more now, and Violet didn't like the looks of the circles she had under her eyes.

  You'd better take care of yourself. Charlie would be terribly upset if he saw you.

  Do I look that bad? She smiled. The nauseousness had been much worse in the last few days but the lack of sleep didn't help either.

  You look tired. And Violet thought her unusually pale, but she didn't say anything. Do you rest in the afternoon?

  When I can. But Molly was an active girl, and she liked working in her darkroom whenever she could. She hadn't told Molly about the baby yet, but she was planning to when it started to show. She loved the idea of it, and as she lay in bed at night, she would lay a hand on the tiny bulge she felt there
and smile to herself, as though she had the sweetest secret in the world. She smiled at Lady Vi now, thinking of March. It seemed an eternity away. She kept wondering what it would be like. Is it as bad as they say? ' having it, I mean?

  Lady Vi shrugged casually. She didn't want to frighten her. But it had been ghastly for her, and Alexandra had been delivered by Caesarean section, which was why there would be no more children for them. But they were satisfied with the two they had, and in all honesty, she wouldn't have wanted to go through it again in any case. It's not that bad. People make a great fuss about it of course. But actually you forget. Audrey was watching her eyes, and she saw something there that frightened her. But it was too early to worry about it. And even if it was terrible, it was worth it to have his baby. And then in spite of herself she thought of Ling Hwei in Harbin, but she forced the memory from her mind. They had other things to think about now, and it was still more than six months away.

  I get scared sometimes when I think about it. Don't. Vi smiled kindly at her. It will happen so fast, it will be over before you know it, and then you'll have a fat beautiful baby in your arms. The two women smiled at each other, sharing something very warm, the secret of giving life. And Audrey was in better spirits when she went home, but that night was the worst air raid of the war. They all sat huddled in the shelter until dawn, and the next day Violet came to talk to her. I think we should send the children away, Aud. What do you think? It was almost like being married to each other now. They had no one else to make decisions with, and now they consulted each other far more than they ever had before the war. And they had talked about it before, but Audrey wasn't sure.

  Do you think it'll get much worse? I don't see how it could. But ' She hated to say the words, but they were on her mind. We'd never forgive ourselves if something happened to them. Too many houses had gone down, and people were getting hurt. A number in the neighborhood had been killed. And Audrey was trying to think of what Charles would have wanted.