As I Close My Eyes

by Sarah DiCello

  As we walked further into town, the cries of the two women with us grew louder. It wasn’t hard to see why. All of the homes along our path were nothing more than cinders. We stopped at a charred open space with burnt pieces of wood sticking out of the ground in several places.

  “Oh, Caroline. The house we grew up in is gone. It’s all gone,” cried the blonde, grasping on to my shoulders for support.

  We’d have to stay with someone tonight and for a while until we had a place to live again. My heart broke as I watched the scenes around me. Families crumbled in heaps hugging each other as they stood looking at where their houses once were.

  “All of you can stay with me,” said Robert.

  “Oh no, we couldn’t,” protested the old woman. Her response to Robert’s offer told me she wasn’t comfortable accepting the proposition.

  Robert grabbed my hand. “I insist. I know our home is still standing and it would be my pleasure. We don’t have as many rooms as you did, but we do have two bedrooms upstairs.” Robert’s words were soft and kind, but why did he keep saying “we?”

  “We don’t have a choice, Mother,” said the blonde.

  Chapter 5

  Walter’s growling woke me from my slumber with a faint white noise coming from the last song on my iPod. A rustling in the bushes below my window startled me. Then, a loud thump hit the side of our house. Walter ran to see what or who was outside and clawed at the panes of glass, barking and drooling.

  “Dani, are you there?” It sounded like Eric, but I wasn’t sure.

  I slid off my bed and peeked my head slowly up to the base of the window to see if I could identify the dark shadow below. Oh, thank God, it was Eric.

  “Hey, I wondered where you were. I called a few days ago and your mama said you and Shannon had gone to The Falls for the weekend.”

  “Yeah, Brad and Shan had a fight so we went up to the cabin.”

  “How’s your head?” he asked with concern.

  “It’s fine. I’ll be right down to let you in.”

  Eric entered our house and I made us some ham sandwiches with a side of strawberries. I wasn’t sure of the time, but the grumbling in my stomach told me I was hungry.

  “So did they break up again?” asked Eric as he took a big bite of his sandwich.

  “Yeah, but I’m sure Shannon’s at his house right now working things out. They’re probably having make-up sex at this very moment.”

  “Are you feeling any better?” Eric asked with his mouth full of ham.

  “Can you chew with your mouth closed, please? And yes, I’m fine.”

  “What’s wrong, Dani?”

  “Nothing. Just tired.” I lied to Eric because I didn’t want to explain my weird dreams at the moment.

  “So ... I’m thinking about transferring to another college,” Eric said.

  His statement surprised me so much that I spit out the strawberry I was eating.

  “I just think I need to expand my horizons beyond the four of us and see what’s really out there. I went to Gainesville because I didn’t know what I wanted to do and y’all were all going.”

  “Well, that sucks. What will you find outside of Gainesville that’ll make any difference?”

  “I don’t know, but my grandfather said he’d pay for me to go to Northeastern in Boston.”

  “Wow! Boston. Why Boston? You love us like family! Why wouldn’t you have told me about this?”

  “It’s just a thought for now. They have this great architectural school up there and I think I’d be good at that.”

  Before I could ask anymore, Mama and Bill came in through the door, effectively ending the conversation. I’d bring it up later when we were alone, as we often were because Brad and Shannon were always off doing their own thing even when the four of us were all together.

  “Hi, Eric. How were The Falls, Dani?” asked Bill.

  “Relaxing,” I replied with my hand up at my head like a drama queen diva.

  “Meet any nice boys?” Mama grinned.

  “No, Mama. I look like I just fought Mohammad Ali and lost. No boy is gonna want anything to do with this,” I made a circular motion with my finger around my face.

  The afternoon settled into the evening. After dinner, the four of us curled up on the leather couches in the living room and watched a movie together, as we had done hundreds of times before. Eric left around midnight and I reluctantly ironed my DQ polo shirt for my first day of work the next morning and crawled into bed.

  * * *

  “I can’t believe we don’t have a house anymore. And I wish I knew where John was,” said the blonde.

  “I know. I’m sure he got out and will find us soon,” I replied.

  We walked through the ashes of Jackson Street, turning onto Lafayette. Robert clutched my hand, pulling me close to him protectively. Everywhere people were hugging loved ones and staring at the destruction in utter disbelief. Entire rows of homes were now cinders. Some had staircases still standing in the same spot they were before the fire. Others had nothing left.

  Townspeople stopped us along the way to tell us they were glad we were okay. From the looks of it, this was a small ocean town somewhere maybe along the Northeastern coastline. It was cold, but not chilling like winter. It felt like October or November.

  We eventually got to the modest house Robert lived in. Overgrown weeds hung over the stone steps, and some of the white paint on the front porch had peeled off from the salt and winds the ocean brought. Round bushes, plump with large green leaves begging to be trimmed held faded pink flowers. In the recesses of my mind, recognition clicked. I remember those bushes. What were they? I searched for the name. Hydrangeas. The answer was supplied to me from years of digging in the dirt - this dirt - not as Danielle, but as Caroline.

  “Oh, goodness,” said a distraught neighbor who came towards us at a quick pace. “You’re okay. Praise the good Lord, you’re all okay.”

  “Yes Mrs. Bigsley, we’re fine,” said the old woman as she took the hands of the portly lady.

  “Oh Caroline, Rebecca, and Irene, it’s good to see that Robert found you. We were so worried.” Black soot decorated her forehead and her gray hair hung loosely around her face with some pulled up in the back. Mrs. Bigsley was a large woman, probably in her late 50s. Her dress looked handmade. Some of the stitches were coming out on the sides, which left gaping holes where there was no longer thread. The maroon corset she wore underneath revealed itself in the open spaces.

  Irene, I discerned, was probably my mother’s name and Rebecca, my sister’s.

  “Come inside and I’ll get you some tea and warm clothes to wear,” said Mrs. Bigsley.

  A calico cat greeted us at the door as we entered her Victorian beach home.

  “You didn’t find John?” she asked.

  “Not yet, but I’ve heard everyone got out of their homes and there haven’t been any deaths,” replied Robert.

  I stared at Robert for a while, studying his nose and his strong features. His hair was different than the man in the restaurant and it was hard to tell the similarities between the two because of the drastic differences in the way they were both dressed. Robert’s white shirt was covered in black ash and he had a five o’clock shadow coming through. He looked to be about the same age, though. Maybe late twenties. I carefully memorized the curve of his lips and the slant of his eyes.

  I felt the stirrings of an affection I had never felt before and yet, somehow, it was familiar. Pictures appeared in my mind of this man’s hands on my body, the feel of his hair on my cheek, his lips on my neck. Images came to me like stop-motion photography. Caroline’s memories filtered in as though they were my own.

  * * *

  I woke up to a loud alarm and began to wonder if these dreams meant a whole lot more. What were they trying to tell me? I had to figure it out, but first, I needed to get dressed for my first day back at Dairy Queen. I had worked there since high school and became the manager for the summer about three years
ago.

  The smell of bacon floated up to my room when I opened the door to go downstairs. I was glad I had someone to make me breakfast in the morning, unlike in college when I usually had to grab a slice of cheese or cold pizza before my first class.

  The day was uneventful; I spent most of my time stocking the ice cream bins and cleaning up the store so it was in perfect order for the rush of Lake Lanier vacationers.

  I came home to another delicious dinner made by Bill. He was the best cook I knew. He made lasagna that had lots of garlic, tasty spinach and, of course, his famous sauce. I never ordered lasagna at a restaurant because I knew it wouldn’t compare to his.

  “How’d your first day go, Dani?” he asked.

  “Oh fine ... quiet actually.”

  I shoveled the deliciousness of cheese, pasta, and spices into my mouth and went on to explain to Bill that I was going to do something more with my life than serve random people ice cream. He believed I would be a famous screenplay writer or maybe an editor for Vogue. Bill had big dreams for me since I was the only daughter he had ever known.

  “You know, your mama has been a bit down lately over Justin. That anniversary is coming up, so be extra nice to her.” Bill scooped out another small slice of lasagna and placed it carefully on my plate.

  “I know. I always know that I have to be on high alert for an emotional rollercoaster this time of year.”

  “Rightfully so, wouldn’t you say?”

  “Absolutely. I feel the same way she does.”

  Bill came to my side and hugged me. Tears started to form, but never fell on my cheeks.

  After my last bite, I headed to Shannon’s house for the night. The days lagged on, which didn’t help the fact that I couldn’t stop thinking about the man in Tallulah. I pictured him, then Robert. They were so similar to one another.

  I decided a few days later to drive up to The Falls and stay for the weekend. I wanted to see if I could run into him and find out more about why I felt such a strong connection. It wasn’t like me to be so bold, but I couldn’t get him out of my mind. It was fanciful and bizarre; an almost desperate need to know him. After three long days of ruminating and obsessing, I couldn’t take it anymore. I was going back to The Falls and needed to comprehend the incessant pull towards this man.

  Each passing hour made me more anxious for the weekend. I woke up, went to Dairy Queen, came home, ate dinner, went to bed, woke up, and did it all over again. Finally it was Friday.

  Shannon had called to say that she was staying with Brad all weekend since his parents were out of town. She wanted me to lie if anyone asked about where she was so they’d think we went back to Gainesville to hang out with some college friends together.

  “You have to make sure you don’t run into my mama anywhere around Sugar Hill this weekend. Stay inside,” she demanded.

  “You’re overreacting.”

  “No, I don’t think I am. I know you. Just don’t get me caught.”

  It was the perfect set-up for my weekend. I could go to The Falls and magically bump into Mr. Tallulah somewhere. Mama and Bill would never know. I could use the same lie and if either of our parents talked, they’d get an identical story.

  I couldn’t believe the thought even crossed my mind. I didn’t actually think anything would come of the trip, but at least I’d get some time away by myself.

  So that I didn’t repeat the wardrobe disaster of last weekend, I packed carefully, picking out my best clothes, which honestly looked pathetic compared to the styles that Shannon could throw together. As I placed things in my bag, I kept wondering how ridiculous I would seem if I actually found this mystery man in Tallulah. He didn’t even know me and besides that, he was way out of my league based on the brunette he’d had on his arm at the restaurant. Oh - there was that, too. He might have a girlfriend.

  I headed down to the living room to deliver the lie to Mama and Bill. Lying wasn’t something I made a habit of doing and I hoped they believed me. I threw my bag into the Ford Focus I’d had since senior year of high school and drove off on my way to Tallulah Falls, Cabin #10.

  By the time I left the house, it began to rain and the clouds made it seem like early evening. I could make this journey blindfolded though. Heading out of Sugar Hill, I passed old historical buildings that dated back to the Civil War and new streetlights made to look old. Vines crawled up the sides of several brick buildings and people sat on their porches rocking in their chairs. The beautifully landscaped park at the town’s entrance was built last year. It quickly became a popular place for families to host summer parties and served as a meeting spot for local middle school kids.

  As I drove out of town, I realized I really hadn’t had much time to myself since the accident. I turned on the radio and took in the cool summer air. It was nice to have time to think. I glanced in the rearview mirror and realized the colors in my face started to become a lighter shade of blue from the bruises.

  I was excited and very nervous about what the weekend might bring. If nothing happened between Mr. Gorgeous and me, at least I’d have a few days to relax by myself - something I desperately needed.

  After an hour of driving, I made my way to the cabin and turned on the TV to lull myself to sleep.

  * * *

  “Caroline, are you okay?” Robert asked. “You’ve been staring off into space for about ten minutes now.”

  “Yes. I’m sorry, my dear.”

  “When you tripped, you must have hit your head pretty hard. Why don’t you go and lie down on Mrs. Bigsley’s couch?” Mother said.

  I followed her instructions and lay down on an ornate couch covered in bright floral fabric. I wasn’t asleep for long before I felt Robert lift me into his arms and carry me out the door.

  I pretended to be asleep because the feel of his arms holding me up made a protective shield around my entire body. I didn’t want to talk. I just wanted to feel the strength in his arms, which cradled my waist and shoulders. He made me feel very safe.

  We made our way to his house, where my mother and sister were already in bed, having left as soon as I closed my eyes. Robert put me down in the room where Rebecca slept. He laid me in the bed next to her and covered me with thick blankets. The brass bed made several squeaking sounds as he set me down.

  Robert shut the door slowly and I waited a few minutes before I was sure he went downstairs. I lit a candle that stood on the nightstand between our beds and looked around the darkness, trying not to wake Rebecca. The wide planked wood floor beneath my feet creaked with every step. Striped wallpaper covered the walls with several paintings of the ocean. The room was sparse, with two small beds up against one wall and an elaborate dresser occupying another. A brass framed certificate of some sort hung above the dresser. As I got closer with the light, I could see that it was a diploma from Georgetown Law School. My eyes scanned the document, and at the bottom and I could see a date - 1873.

  Oh my God, I thought. The 1870s. It took a moment for me to take it all in. I continued to walk the room and looked for more clues as to where I was since I now knew when I was.

  A small window overlooked the ocean outside. Robert’s house was situated a few blocks back from the sea and was hardly prime oceanfront property. The quilts on the beds looked handmade with faded blocks of fabric stitched elegantly by hand rather than machine.

  I felt like I was beginning to stay longer in this world. There was some reason I came here every day and I desperately needed to know what it was. At first, I just thought it was a reaction to the fall, but I was starting to think that these dreams served some greater purpose.

  I opened the top dresser drawer, knowing what would be inside. Handkerchiefs. I withdrew the fine silk, patterned in violet flowers, and my mind handed me a note, a picture of myself with a handkerchief around my head, laughing and holding hands with Robert.

  I wandered the tiny space, inspecting the grain of the wooden furniture with my fingers and the feel of the wallpaper pulling back from th
e walls. I recalled the day Robert and I put up the wallpaper in the room. I had spilled glue on the floor, creating a dark patch amid the golden floorboards. I glanced down and the memory was confirmed; the dark stain was right where it should have been.

  I stirred under the heavy blankets for most of the night, trying desperately to fall asleep. The smell of smoke coming through the walls of the house overtook the room. I tossed and turned, wondering how long I’d stay here this time. Even though I was exhausted from the mental mind games, I couldn’t get my body to relax. Soon it was dawn.

  As the sun came up, the damage the fire had caused became very apparent. It had taken down some of the major hotels and historical homes, including my mother’s, and wiped out several blocks of the island.

  Rebecca slowly woke up and we got dressed to go downstairs. She had asked me to help her with the bustle of her dress. The fashions of this time were so ornate with layers and layers of ruffles and ribbons tied everywhere. Our clothing was gorgeous, but the one thing I couldn’t get quite comfortable with was how tight the sleeves on our dresses were. It felt as though I had a compressed blood pressure cuff on both arms that extended from my shoulders to my wrists at all times. As Rebecca pulled on my corset to tighten it, I let out a grunt.

  “Tight enough for you?” she asked.

  “It’s fine,” I replied as I gasped for more air.

  After forty minutes of torturous dressing, we made our way down the stairs. Robert sat at a small wooden table in the kitchen reading a paper about the fire. The images of the fire left a permanent scar on Robert’s mind. He kept shaking his head as he paged through the articles, rubbing his eyes and sighing.

  The kitchen was small with thick wooden cabinets and a coal stove in the corner. I was thirsty and needed to find a glass. Cabinet next to the icebox. I remembered, startling myself.

  “The Ocean House, Congress Hall, Columbia House ... they’re all burned to the ground. Thirty acres destroyed,” Robert said with sadness. “It’s going to take so long to clean this mess up. How did you two sleep?”