As I Close My Eyes

by Sarah DiCello

  “Just fine. Thank you,” said Rebecca. “I really appreciate you taking Mother and me in.”

  “It’s no bother. No bother at all. Now let’s see if we can find John,” said Robert. He placed the newspaper on the table, pulled me onto his lap, and kissed my cheek. “I don’t know what I would do without you.”

  I smiled and stared into his eyes, seeing the man Caroline loved as someone I loved as well. I touched his face with my hands, feeling coarse stubble. A picture flashed in my memory as I felt his skin. We were at a park and I was sitting under a tree with Rebecca, our parasols keeping the sun off our skin. Robert was walking with another gentleman when he caught my eye. They approached us and Rebecca and I stood to greet them. The feeling I had when I first saw Mr. Tallulah was the same feeling Caroline had when she first caught sight of Robert: breathless.

  “Well, we should make sure we look our best for when John returns.” I turned to Rebecca. “Don’t you think, sister?”

  “That’s a wonderful idea,” Rebecca replied as she reached for my hand.

  We went back upstairs to get one last look at ourselves before we had to leave. Loud footsteps coming in through the front door startled us.

  “John.”

  Chapter 6

  I woke up restless. I needed answers to why the dreams were happening. It was obvious the boat accident caused them, but did it also trigger something in my subconscious? I wished I could control them and make them stop. Yet a part of me didn’t want them to. I sat up in bed for a while and thought about Caroline but soon became impatient about seeing the man in the bookstore.

  I stared out the window as I sat with my orange juice and syrup-soaked breakfast in the same room Shannon and I had occupied a week earlier. The sun peeked through the thick clouds, but as quickly as the rays of light escaped, another cloud would move in and block them from shining.

  Would he even recognize me? I thought to myself. Would I see him in some store shopping for a ring for the tall brunette he held hands with at the restaurant? Maybe they were just friends, or she was his sister? No, that couldn’t be right. No one goes to a fancy Italian restaurant dressed like that with their sister. Snapping out of my daze, I suddenly realized the banquet room had filled up with vacationing families and it was time for me to leave.

  I got in my car and drove to the café across from Something Old. It was the perfect spot to watch the townspeople go by, plus, it gave me the best view of the main street where I was sure he would venture to at some point in the day, if he was even in Tallulah.

  I got a table outside with my tall latte topped with whipped cream and shaved chocolate and acted like I was reading a book. I turned a page every half hour or so, which couldn’t have been very convincing. I found myself shifting in my seat every few minutes because the wrought iron chair dug into my shoulder blades. I’d take the pain if it meant I could see him. Around noon, I went back inside the café to get a sandwich, and in the reflection of the café window, saw someone I thought resembled him in the bookstore. His silhouette suggested a proud posture and a chiseled profile. It had to be him.

  I sat back down to see if I could get a clear look, but his back was to me. From the distance, I couldn’t make out if it was the man of my dreams or some random Tallulah resident. He started walking towards the front of the store and his features became clearer with every step. The man from the restaurant stood in the window and a flutter deep in my stomach arose. Why was he in the bookstore again in the middle of the afternoon on a Saturday? It occurred to me that he might work there since he asked Shannon and me if he could help us the first time we went into Something Old.

  I got my sandwich and sat back down for more hours of stalking. It wasn’t long until he came out of the store. I watched as he walked down the sidewalk across the street from where I was. I clumsily sprang up from my seat and knocked over what was left of my now cold coffee, forcing the chair backwards, which made a scraping noise on the concrete below. He didn’t turn around.

  He walked into a pizza shop a few storefronts down from the café. I clung to the wall of the restaurant and peered in from the side to watch him. I wanted to see him up close again because I wasn’t sure I could go through with my grand plan.

  He stood in line and ordered lunch and I thought I should go inside, but quickly decided that was a dumb idea. What could I say inside a little pizza restaurant that would be profound enough to make him notice me? I quickly walked back to my table at the café when I saw that he had his food. He came out just as I sat down and made his way back to the bookstore. He definitely worked there.

  I stayed in my chair and he stayed in the store. At around two o’clock I finally got up the nerve to go across the street.

  Placing my little book into my purse, I left the safe haven of the café with my courage diminishing by the second. I couldn’t believe I was actually going to introduce myself to this man.

  The chimes on the door as I entered made a few heads turn and we caught each other’s eyes instantly. He walked towards me as he smoothed his hair back to make sure every strand was in place. This man was a work of art, just like the books that surrounded him.

  “May I help you?” he asked, with a hesitant smile.

  “Yeah, um ... this might sound a little strange, but I was in here last weekend,” I started to say before he interrupted me.

  “With your friend,” he began. “And your....” He didn’t finish his sentence, but pointed to his nose and made a face like he was in pain. I couldn’t believe he remembered me.

  “Yeah, my nose. I fell water skiing, but it’s good now.”

  “Ouch! Glad it’s okay now, although it still looks a bit sore.”

  “It’s not as bad as it looks.”

  “So what can I help you find?” he asked.

  “Do you work here?”

  “Sort of. I own it,” he said. His smile widened with pride.

  “Oh, you own it.” I was amazed that someone his age would own a bookstore like this. He couldn’t have been much more than twenty-five or twenty-six. “Well, I love the name.”

  “You don’t know my name,” he said, obviously confused.

  “No, I meant the store. But since you mention it, what is your name?”

  “Ben. Ben Sheffield.”

  “Hi, Ben. I’m Danielle. Danielle Grayson.” I figured I’d go with the James Bond game we were playing. I couldn’t believe I was actually having a conversation with him. I normally would never talk to someone as attractive as Ben because I’d feel inferior and unattractive in his presence. Something about him made my inhibitions escape me. His features were so familiar to me. He really did resemble Robert from my dreams. Then I thought about when Caroline first saw Robert from across the park. I felt the same way now as I stood with Ben for the first time. I wanted to reach out to make sure he was real.

  “Pleasure to meet you,” he said. I paused, taking in the inflection of his words. In my head, I heard Robert saying, “I thought I’d lost you.” They sounded exactly the same.

  “Same here,” I replied with a huge smile on my face. This was going better than I expected. Much better.

  “So what can I help you find today? A gift for someone? Something for yourself?”

  “I’m not looking for any book in particular. I was actually looking for you,” I said. I couldn’t believe that actually came out of my mouth.

  “You’re gonna think I’m completely nuts. In fact, I think I’m nuts. Anyway, I was at Fiorentinos last weekend. You know, the Italian restaurant? Of course you know - you were there. Well, I was there with my friend and I saw you. And then I saw you again in your store, only I didn’t know it was your store.” I was nervous and rambling.

  “Yeah, I saw you in the restaurant, too, and then in my store,” he replied.

  I never noticed him noticing me at the restaurant. Maybe I was too occupied with him chewing his steak and the beautiful brunette he was with that I wasn’t paying enough attention to where he w
as looking.

  “You saw me in the restaurant, too?” I asked, dumbfounded.

  “It was hard not to notice your face. I mean, I was thinking you got really beat up or something. I actually found myself worrying about you when I didn’t even know who you were. In fact, I think I missed a lot of the conversation with my dinner guest. I’m not sure she was very happy about it.”

  “Really? I’m sorry about that,” I replied, trying to conceal my pleasure.

  “I didn’t mean to say that you looked horrible or anything,” Ben said. “What I wanted to say was that I was wondering who would do that to such a beautiful face. And then you came into the store and I wanted to talk to you more, but you and your friend left so quickly.”

  “You can rest assured that no one hit me. I’m just a klutz. We left so quickly because I was really nervous.”

  “Listen, I close up the bookstore at six tonight. Why don’t you come back and meet me here for some dinner?”

  “Really?” I was stunned. Did he really just ask me to dinner in his bookstore? “Okay, that sounds great. Do you make it a habit of inviting strange women to your business for evening meals?”

  “Not usually. You just intrigue me, I guess. I’m glad you came back.”

  We stood for a second, smiling at each other.

  “I’ll see you back here at six then,” I anxiously replied.

  I turned to walk out the door and could feel his eyes on me as I exited. I smiled to myself and floated across the street to my car.

  As I drove back to the cabin I felt a high I had never felt before. I tried to talk myself down, to not get my hopes up too much, but I couldn’t. I needed to enjoy this moment and revel in the fact that he didn’t kick me out of his store - he invited me back!

  I took an extremely long shower - a total of fifteen minutes, which was longer than I had ever bathed - and turned on the radio, dancing happily around the room. With a make-up brush I had never used before, I applied blush and lipstick in the exact places Shannon had taught me when we were in fourth grade. It was refreshing to see my face brighten. I added bronzer along my cheeks to define my features and a heavy gloss with an extra touch of lip plumper to my mouth. The make-up, along with the blue cotton sundress, created a feeling of confidence I greatly needed.

  The purple button-down shirt he wore today with the same dark jeans and black belt gave him a more modern look than his hair allowed. And his voice had a tone that captivated me. It was deep, but intelligent and soft.

  The agony of waiting three hours before I could see him again was driving me crazy. I paced around the room and checked the clock. Only ten minutes had passed. Frustrated, I decided to go for a walk to pass the time.

  As I came to the same bridge Shannon and I walked the weekend before, I stopped in the middle to gaze at the water below. It was more like a creek under the bridge. Smooth stones peeked through the clear water and a bullfrog on the shoreline jumped in to escape my presence. It was a typical southern day - humid and sticky. I didn’t want to linger too long outside because I’d be a sweaty mess walking back to the cabin. Even under the shelter of the large trees, what little sun came through scorched my skin from the heat.

  So many memories were created here. We came to this spot the day the four of us graduated from high school. We came to this spot when Justin died. We came to this spot for no reason at all but to just get away. I wanted to create more memories. Happy memories with Ben. I wanted to show him this place. I was sure he already knew about it, but not in the way I knew about it. Okay, so I was jumping the gun a bit. I always got so excited about things before they had time to develop, and many times, that meant I got rejected. This was going to be different, though. I could feel it.

  Chapter 7

  I tried to focus on something other than Ben, but I couldn’t get my mind off him. The walk didn’t help, so I wandered back to the cabin to freshen up. Droplets of sweat began to bead near my hairline as I sauntered along the windy road. I needed to be inside where there was air conditioning.

  I watched the clock change minutes as I sat on the edge of the bed; staring at the glowing green numbers until it was time to see Ben again. The room was set at a comfortably cool sixty-six, yet I was sweating and my heart was racing. I placed deodorant in my purse, just in case.

  I got into my car and prepared for my next encounter with the man of my dreams. As I drove to meet him, I became more and more amazed by the fact that I was in another town, away from my parents and everyone I knew, driving to see a person I’d never held any sort of meaningful conversation with until this afternoon. What was I doing? No one knew I was here and how would I explain all of this later? Many things made me nervous, but this was about to cause a complete meltdown.

  When I arrived at five fifty-three, no one was in the store and I could see Ben cleaning up for the night. Instead of just walking in, I knocked on the door as if this was his home, wondering why on earth I had done that.

  Ben laughed as he approached. “You didn’t have to knock, you know.”

  “Sorry, I don’t know why I did that.”

  “Don’t be sorry. Are you hungry?”

  “Starving.”

  “If you want to wait here, I’ll run across the street to Al’s and grab us some pizza. There’s some beer in the fridge behind the counter. Help yourself, Danielle.”

  “Okay, thanks,” I responded, feeling giddy that he remembered my name.

  Ben raced out of the store and I watched him run across the street to the pizza restaurant. His decisiveness was a very attractive quality.

  While he was gone, I thought I’d take the chance to peruse the store a little. It was one of those bookstores you’d see in movies with the big wooden ladders that connect to the tops of the bookshelves. I wandered through rows and rows of books, running my fingers along ancient, leather-bound hardbacks and battered volumes of non-fiction. My index finger stopped over a copy of The Fountainhead, and I pulled it from the shelf. I moved my thumb up and down the worn spine, flipped it open and wondered if it was real. Oh God, it’s an original. I promptly put it back. I turned, and noticed, high up and untouched - probably because the cost was more than my car - a never-before-seen printed work by Jack Kerouac.

  Ben had to have had some money to open this store. It wasn’t your average Tallulah citizen who was going to walk into Something Old and spend thousands on a first edition novel written centuries ago. He probably went months without anyone buying anything. The money Ben had may have been what I pictured when I thought of the owner of Something Old, but I was way off on his looks.

  Towards the back of the store sat an old mahogany desk with his Mac computer resting on top. The walls between the grand shelves were decorated with abstract art of sharp lines and colorful paint splats. Three ornate chandeliers hung from the ceiling and massive, wooden tables sat underneath them with piles of antique books on top. The novels weren’t any more organized than when I was in the store the first time.

  There were steps on either side of his desk that led up to another level of books - books for serious buyers. Red velvet ropes hung at the top, guarding what was behind them.

  I couldn’t believe I was in his store. I sat with a beer wondering how old he was, where his family lived, and where he lived. He probably had no idea that I couldn’t legally drink alcohol and I took that as a good thing. I would much rather appear more mature than my age.

  As I glanced out the windows at the front of the store, I could see Ben crossing the street with a pizza in hand. Could he really be into me? No one was ever into me. I was so used to being in the background behind Shannon that I was really unsure of this entire situation.

  “Dinner is served,” Ben said in his best British butler voice as he walked into the bookstore.

  “Wow! Thanks for doing this. I didn’t expect to be here tonight,” I replied as I took another swig of beer.

  “What were you going to do if you weren’t here?”

  “Well,
I came to Tallulah to find you, so I guess I was hoping we’d be together, but I really didn’t think we’d end up in the same place.” I realized how desperate I sounded and wished I could take it back.

  “Are you kidding? I’d be home doing absolutely nothing if you hadn’t walked in today.”

  “Really?” I said, tilting my head. “That makes me feel better. I mean, I do feel a bit strange driving all the way up here just to see if I could run into you.”

  Ben opened a beer for himself and sat down close to me. “Well, I’m flattered. So what’s your story, Danielle Grayson?”

  “I don’t really have one. I live in Sugar Hill. I go to Gainesville State College. And I can’t believe I’m sitting here eating pizza with you,” I said as I smirked and reached for another slice.

  “So you’re still in college? I actually thought you were older. Maybe out of college by a year or so. I may be too old for you, but I’m really glad you’re here eating pizza with me,” Ben said as he grazed my hand with his. It was a quick touch, but one that left me wanting more.

  “I’m really glad to be here, too.”

  “You know, not many girls would shove two slices of pizza down their throats on a first date. I like that.”

  Oh my God, he called this a first date. “I really like food. I don’t think I’ve ever ordered a salad at a restaurant.” I took another sip of beer and continued. “So you live here in Tallulah Falls?”

  “Yeah, but for only about a year and a half,” he explained. “I bought this store about a year ago. Actually, it’ll be a year in two months. Anyway, I came here to find peace and get away from the big city.”

  “Where did you move from?”

  “New York City. I grew up in New Jersey though where my family still lives. My mother’s not exactly thrilled that I moved away.”

  “I’m sure she understands.”

  “My mother’s not very subtle and she’s made it very clear that I should come home more often, but I like my free time and since I’m always at the bookstore, it makes it hard to travel.”