As I Close My Eyes

by Sarah DiCello

  “What is your family like, anyway? We haven’t ever talked about them in much detail.”

  “My dad is a character. He was once deemed the mayor of the small development I grew up in. He’d get along with anyone. My mom is a huge socialite and very talented. She likes to paint and has a studio in our house in New Jersey. My sister, Sharon, lives about ten minutes from my parents and has one daughter, Leah, who is five. Her husband is awesome. My brother is over in Europe right now finding himself - or at least that’s what he told us in his last Skype call on Thanksgiving.”

  “Well, that was a quick summary of everyone.”

  “It’s hard to tell you about them just by photographs. I’d like you to meet them sometime. I usually only see my family for the holidays because I’m too busy with the bookstore.”

  “I’d like to meet them, too. Maybe we can make a trip up there soon,” I said, glad that Ben thought about his family meeting me.

  “Definitely.”

  We made our way around each grand room. This house was way more than the bachelor pad I had pictured it to be. Every room was furnished. Some things were old, but much of Ben’s décor was new, although it blended in very well with the house. As we went from room to room, Ben pointed out art he’d collected from various places in Europe. The paintings were either abstract or impressionistic with splashes of bright colors. Italian glass hooks hung in the hallway and an owl statue, purchased in Greece, sat in the center of his round dining room table. Two large paintings, created by his mama when she spent time in Germany, hung side by side above a couch in the family room.

  “This house is amazing, Ben. I guess you really like to collect art.”

  “I like to surround myself with things from favorite times in my life, but as you can see, home improvements are a struggle for me,” he replied as he led me to the kitchen where a giant bowl of chocolate- covered strawberries sat on a white, marble-topped center island.

  “Oh, these are my favorite.” I immediately grabbed two for the rest of the tour as Ben led me to another room with a large marble fireplace.

  “This house has three fireplaces, if you can believe that.”

  “Why did you buy this place if you weren’t going to fix it up?” I asked him.

  “Well, I had planned on fixing it, but I realized after completely trashing the bathroom that it wasn’t my forte.”

  I laughed and shoved the first strawberry in my mouth, taking a much bigger bite than I had intended. We moved on to the library in the back of the house, which was filled with floor to ceiling windows, a large desk to my right, and a red velvet chaise lounge that sat under one wall of massive bookcases. The room had a door that went out to the backyard. It was actually very similar to Robert’s backyard in my dreams, but Ben took much more pride in the plants and vegetables that lived there.

  “Reading and planting are two of the things I love most,” Ben said as he took my hand to show me his most prized possessions in the garden.

  At the back of his yard was a huge garden full of every vegetable you could imagine. Plump red tomatoes, purple carrots - which I never even knew existed - basil, lettuce, and greens like okra and endive. Surrounding the yard was a wrought iron fence covered by climbing clematis. There was an iron bench that sat to the left and was surrounded by giant blue hydrangeas. The large flowers reminded me of those I saw at Robert’s.

  “I come out here on the weekends most of the time to work. It’s very satisfying to cook with things from my own garden. That’s what I’m going to do for you this evening. I’ll make you dinner, but first, I have a surprise.”

  After the tour of the garden and all of the plants he had grown himself, we went inside to finish the walk-through of his house.

  He led me up the old mahogany staircase at the entrance, which was covered in more awful wallpaper. We got to the top landing and made a left into his master bedroom. I got a little nervous when we walked in. Seeing his bedroom took our relationship to an entirely different level. He didn’t seem to notice how I tensed.

  As we walked into the room, he disappeared into a large walk-in closet and re-emerged with a cream-colored canvas bag. The outside of the bag was embroidered with my name. In it I found a bathing suit, a towel, sunscreen, sunglasses, and a bottle of wine.

  “Is this a clue?” I asked as I pulled out each item.

  “Sort of. I figured we’d head to The Falls first since it’s barely four o’clock and then we could come back, listen to some music, and have some good food. Well, I hope it’s good food. I haven’t ever cooked for anyone besides my family and they could have just said they enjoyed my cooking to be nice.”

  “I’m sure you’re a wonderful cook, Ben. It seems like you enjoy the finer things in life, but I really didn’t want to know what we were doing today.” I pouted.

  “I know. Sorry. I can’t keep a secret.”

  Ben left me alone to get changed. I was a little leery about the bathing suit. I worried that he picked a larger size than I was, which would make me feel awful about myself, but on the other hand, if he picked a smaller size, I would feel equally as terrible.

  To my surprise, it was the perfect size four, navy blue, two-piece. It had to have been the best bathing suit I had ever owned. I threw on the sundress I brought with me, fixed my hair, touched up my make-up, and made my way downstairs with the bag. As I entered the kitchen, I found Ben packing for the day at The Falls.

  He had placed the chocolate strawberries carefully in a Ziploc bag and had thrown them, along with the wine, plastic cups, and a blanket into a small backpack.

  “You look incredible,” he said as I walked into the kitchen.

  “Thanks.”

  The truth was, I felt like Ben always outshined me, and today was no different. He was dressed in teal and black Tommy Hilfiger swim trunks and a white Nautica polo with brown flip-flops. He wore flip-flops too. Could I love this man any more than I did right then?

  “Before we go, I have something else for you. It’s for you to borrow, not keep, but I thought you’d like it.”

  Ben handed me the first edition of Pride and Prejudice.

  “Ben, how expensive is this?”

  “Oh, it could pay for college, or a small house.”

  “Holy crap! This is not safe in these hands. Don’t you remember? Boat ... water ... unconscious. I’m not exactly the epitome of vigilance.”

  “It’ll be perfectly safe in your company. I can’t wait until you read it. And now you have a bookmark from yours truly,” he said.

  “You’re right, I do.” I carefully placed the book on the counter and pressed my lips to his. Halfway through our kiss, Ben put his hands on my waist and hoisted me up on top of the counter. We kissed with force. My fingers frantically moved through his hair. His strong hands went from my face, down my sides, and onto the tops of my thighs. Maybe we wouldn’t make it to The Falls today like I thought we would. I sighed and he made his way down my neck with his lips.

  Ben pulled away. “We better go before I do things to you I will regret.”

  “No, no. Do things to me ... do things,” I begged as I yanked him back towards me by his shirt collar.

  “Dani, I’m in love with you. I want to do this right. I’ve messed things up before with other women because I moved to fast. You’re too important to me.”

  “Well that’s disappointing. By the way ... I love you, too.”

  Chapter 15

  We drove to The Falls in Ben’s Audi and made it in less than five minutes because he did at least eighty miles per hour around the back roads of Tallulah. It was almost a hundred degrees outside with no breeze at all. I couldn’t wait to get into the cool, refreshing water.

  “We’re going to have a bit of a hike before we get to the spot I know,” said Ben while he grabbed the bag of strawberries and wine from the back seat and exited the car.

  “Great! I’m so glad we’re wearing flip-flops then,” I said sarcastically.

  “We’ll be fine.
”

  Ben wasn’t kidding when he said it was a bit of a hike. It took almost a half-hour to get to his secret hiding place in The Falls.

  When we finally arrived at the location he was dying to take me to, it was a place I had never seen before. We were on the other side of the mountain and Ben began to make his way into a pool of water I was sure was never explored by any other person on this planet besides him.

  “Come on, Dani - jump in.”

  Ben took off his polo shirt and walked gingerly into the cool abyss. It was up to just above his waist, which would mean that it would be at my chest level when I got in. He watched me take off my sundress and held my hand as I slowly made my way into the water. Just as I was almost in, I slipped on a smooth rock under my feet and went completely under. I emerged thoroughly annoyed but Ben laughed and tried to ask me if I was okay, although he had trouble getting the words out. I composed myself and followed Ben close behind with my hands on his shoulders for support.

  “Why are we going towards the waterfall?” I asked him as I tried to wipe the droplets from my eyes.

  “You’ll see. Hold your breath,” he said as he walked through the wall of water.

  I followed his lead to the other side of the waterfall. He stopped me as soon as I entered the cave. “I’m going to blindfold you,” Ben said as he placed a dark piece of fabric over my eyes. I heard him walking around the cave, preparing for the reveal. “Okay, now you can look.”

  The cave was filled with candles and flowers. Tiny drops of water fell from the ceiling and made the entire inside glisten. The glow of dozens of candles made for a romantic setting. Flower petals were scattered on the floor and in the cracks of the cave.

  “This is amazing,” I said. I couldn’t believe Ben took the time to set the scene for this romantic afternoon. It must have taken him a few hours. “I can’t believe you did all of this. No one has ever done anything like this for me before.”

  “I’m not sure anyone knows about this little cave here and I thought it would be the perfect hiding spot for us.”

  Ben set up the rest of our cave picnic and opened the wine while serving me another strawberry. It was erotic, the way he grazed it against my lips before I bit into the juicy red fruit. His lips pressed against mine and when he pulled away, some of the chocolate from my last bite fell on his. He seductively licked it off with his tongue.

  “How did you find this place?” I asked.

  “I just stumbled upon it one day. I’m pretty adventurous and I’ve spent a lot of time up here on my own.”

  “I’ve spent a lot of time here, too, but I never knew about this cave.”

  “It’s pretty secluded. Which is perfect for today because I just want to be alone with you, Dani.”

  Ben reached for me and slowly laid me down on the blanket, kissing me as we pressed against each other. This time, he went further than my neck. He kissed my lips, my chest, my stomach. Carefully, slowly, he ran his hands over every curve of my body.

  “I’ve never felt like this for anyone, Dani,” he said in between kisses.

  I couldn’t respond. I had lost the ability to speak as Ben touched me.

  Wrapped in each other’s arms, we rolled together, enjoying the sensation of our damp skin pressing together. Every nerve in my body exploded with pleasure. It came so naturally to completely surrender my entire self to this man I had grown to love.

  “I wish we could stay here forever. Away from the rest of the world with nothing to do but enjoy each other,” I said as I came up for a breath.

  “Ah, if life could only be so blissful,” Ben responded as he kissed my left shoulder softly and placed his hands on my hips.

  He pulled away from me moments later and asked if I wanted to get into the water. I didn’t want to stop kissing him. My desire for him mimicked that of a desperate addict. He moved much slower than I would have liked, but I respected his feelings.

  As I attempted to jump into the water below, Ben caught me in midair, picked me up, and spun me around. I wrapped my legs around his waist as we settled into the side of the pond to talk.

  “You look as though you have something to say,” Ben said as he kissed my neck again.

  I wasn’t sure if I should tell him about the dreams, but I had to. If I wanted our relationship to progress, he had to know. “I’ve been having these dreams that are a bit strange.”

  “Dreams? Everyone has dreams.”

  “Yeah, but ... please don’t run away from me when I tell you this. When I fell in the lake, I saw something.” I wasn’t sure I should go any further with my stories. He was bound to freak out and would probably never want to see me again.

  “What do you mean you saw something?”

  “It was weird. It was like I went to another place ... in another time. When I lay on the bottom of the boat floor, unconscious, I had these visions. It was as if I could see into the past. And there was a man there named Robert who looked and acted like you, which I guess is why when I first saw you in the restaurant, I thought I knew you. I’m not sure what it all means, but I’m still having these dreams and each dream is a continuation of the one I had before.”

  “I don’t know what to say. Do you think you should go see a professional about this?”

  “Believe me, I thought about it, but I think it’s something more than any drug can fix.”

  “Well, we need to find out where you’re going in these dreams,” Ben said.

  “How are we going to find that out?”

  “You should start by writing each one down when you wake up.”

  “The thing is, it’s not happening here. I think it’s in Cape May in the late 1800s.”

  “Then we need to go to Cape May.”

  Ben said it so matter-of-factly and I couldn’t believe that I hadn’t thought of going there before. I guess it took a confession to Ben for me to face the reality of the situation.

  “You’d do that? Just close the store and come with me on this possibly pointless drive up the East Coast? It all sounds so crazy,” I said.

  “Well, we both know you’re a bit nuts. You did stalk me all the way to Tallulah.”

  He had a point.

  “I want you to figure this whole thing out or it will consume you, which will then mean it will consume me. Don’t you want to know what’s going on?”

  “Yeah, I do. I just feel like I might be chasing something that doesn’t exist. Like these dreams are just dreams and nothing more.”

  “It sounds like they’re more than dreams, Danielle.”

  “You’re right. When can we leave?”

  “Let’s figure that out later. Right now, all I want to do is touch you.”

  After a few hours of kissing in the water and feeding each other strawberries, we started to pack up the blanket, candles, and empty wine glasses.

  As we trekked through the abyss, we came to the same spot that caused me to fall as I got in. I tried to be overly cautious, but couldn’t get a grip on the stones below and fell once again.

  “Dani ... baby ....” I could hear Ben calling my name, but I drifted in and out of consciousness and couldn’t respond.

  * * *

  I woke from a deep sleep, lying next to Robert in our bed. It must have been close to midnight because the moon was very bright and there was no sign of the sun coming up. He snored slightly and I wanted to be careful as I got out of the massive amounts of blankets so as to not disturb him.

  I decided to take a walk around the house and inspect the time I was dreaming back to. Volumes of books decorated every corner of the house. It occurred to me that Robert and Ben were more alike than I realized. Not only in appearance, but it seemed as though they both gravitated towards literature.

  I made my way down to the first floor and investigated the living room filled with old gold-rimmed vases and oversized ornate furniture. Every inch of this house creaked so I had to be very careful about where I stepped. The lavish trim on the tops and bottoms of each wall was a
t least six inches wide with layers of wood decoratively carved to give each room the final touch. A small piano sat in the living room up against a wallpapered wall of flowers and stripes. Everything in Victorian Cape May was grand and a bit profuse.

  As I reached for a lace napkin tucked into an end table next to the couch, I heard someone coming down the stairs.

  “Caroline, are you down here?” It was Robert.

  “Yes, darling, I’m in here.” I quickly placed the napkin back in its drawer and jumped onto the sofa. Robert made his way down the stairs and came around to my side of the couch. He bent down next to me, moved a piece of hair out of my face, and pulled my nightgown up over my thighs.

  We said nothing to each other. The nightgown went over my head and all of me was exposed. He gazed at me for a moment, and then kissed my bare body. Every inch of me was devoured by his hungry lips. His hands went under the small of my back and I arched upwards as he nibbled at me. I couldn’t help but let out a breath of satisfaction.

  I pulled at his nightshirt and slowly inched it over his head. It struck me as odd that men in this time period didn’t wear pants to bed. Suddenly, we were both naked, touching, feeling, breathing heavily, and I stopped thinking. This dream was so vivid, and the feelings that welled up inside me were intense enough to cause my breath to hitch. I loved him. But how could I love someone who didn’t exist?

  After an hour of passionate lovemaking, we fell asleep on the couch and woke to the bright light of the morning sun. It was the most beautiful night I had ever spent with anyone. In fact, it was the most beautiful night I had ever spent, period.

  * * *

  “Dani ... wake up, baby.”

  I began to open my eyes and saw Ben’s face. I lay on the grass just beyond the water with the blanket under my head. It was starting to get more difficult for me to come to grips with reality. I wasn’t sure when I would wake up or what was truly reality anymore. My dreams with Robert seemed so real. It took me a moment to speak.

  “Ben.”