How Wicked-er Can She Go?

by J. Morgan

We all have our tricks to trap a man. The good ones used their hearts. The bad ones used their looks, and a devious mind. Before you get any funny ideas, none of you have the one thing that counts in this particular situation. None of you are me!

  Gregory Hamilton was mine. He might not know it yet, but before tonight came to a dramatic close, true love would Witch Slap him into my arms for the rest of his life.

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  Chapter 18

  After managing a couple hours of sleep, I set about putting game plan Stud Finder into place. Sorry, but on two hours sleep that was the best I could come up with. First on the agenda, locate the object of my desire. I'm not a stalker, mind you, but I do have a natural persistence that borders on obsessive compulsive disorder. I tossed out the idea of digging out my trusty crystal ball. I couldn't find it, if you want to know the truth. It was probably hanging out wherever my damn pointy hat had decided to hide. I'd never been all that good at reading tea leaves. Never could see anything useful through the Lipton baggie. Throwing the bones didn't seem like it'd be much help. I failed that class, anyway.

  In the end, I knew if I wanted to find him, I'd have to use the mortal approach. Let's face it. Magic could only do so much. Okay you got me. I dug out his file and called his office. The important thing was with my superior intellect, I tracked down Mr. Gregory Hamilton. All right, it wasn't so superior but I got the job done. Disguising my voice—like they'd know who I was in the first place—I called his office and pretended to be his cousin. Not my most original idea, but when I mentioned poor Aunt Bessie sat at death's door it did get me the name of the restaurant he was taking—grrr—Alice to. By the way, I gave his secretary a plantar wart for being the bearer of bad news.

  When she finally came across with the information I could have spit nails. The bastard planned to take her to Dion's! That was my place. No blonde floozies allowed. Dion should have a sign above the door that says just that.

  I spent most of the day grumbling to myself unintelligently and harassing pixies who didn't have enough sense to hide from a witch with obvious mental problems. Between all that I hit upon a plan of my own. If he wanted to play with my emotions, I'd see how he liked it. Let him see what he had traded beauty, grace and charm for. Excuse me if I keep the specifics to myself. You know, loose lips and all that. Besides I'd hate to be forced to turn my readership into fly licking amphibians. That might prove disastrous for potential sales. Wink, I love my peeps.

  My morning taken care of, I caught up on all that lost sleep I'd missed the night before. Waking promptly in time for the Rachael Ray show, I found the Neverland hiccupped another segment of madness into my house while I napped. A small dragon bathed in my kitchen sink using my best toilet brush to get at those hard to reach ridges in the middle of his back. I ignored it and focused on the Texas Hold Em game Nob had going. The dragon I could take, the six frost giants losing badly had me worried. They weren't known for their charitable natures.

  "Nob, do you think you could move this game somewhere else? Like let's say your place!” I snarled, wishing the dragon would stop flashing his winkie at me and grinning.

  He shot me a gap toothed grin, while palming a pair of aces. “No can do, babe. The old lady is having a Tupperware party. I didn't figure you'd mind after we connected on a spiritual level last night."

  When the hell did that happen? “You figured wrong. A few sloppy words over coffee does not a lasting friendship make. I'd appreciate it if you tell your poker buddies to beat it and follow them through the gap in the Neverland.” The dragon did something so vulgar, I can't even repeat it on paper. “And take that frigging dragon with you."

  "Clarence, cut it out,” Nob shouted over his shoulder. “There, are you happy?"

  "No.” This was getting me nowhere. “Can we talk in private for a minute?"

  "Sure thing, toots. Bert, keep ‘em honest till me and the skirt take care of business, if you know what I mean.” I knew what he meant and it wasn't going to happen.

  Too disgusted to respond, I stormed for the bedroom. The minute the door shut behind him, I let fly. “You sawed off little bastard, I've got two hours to stop the man I love from making the biggest mistake of his life. I don't need you and the refugees from Grimm's Fairy Tales trashing my house."

  "Calm down. So I had a few buds over. We cleared out the pixies for you didn't we, and took care of all the tinkerbells?"

  "Yeah, and brought a perverted dragon with Viagra issues with you. Nob, I don't need this shit.” The verge of a nervous breakdown tittered on the edge of my fragile mind.

  He rubbed his foot across the carpet. “Sorry, Nikki, but I honestly didn't think you'd mind. They're a great bunch of guys once you get to know them. Festus even brought some spinach and mushroom mini quiches so he wouldn't come empty handed. You should try some. It might help even out your low blood sugar."

  "I'll have you know my blood sugar is perfectly normal."

  "Could've fooled me.” Nob leaned forward shaking his gnarled finger in my face. “Don't take your frustration out on me. I'm the only friend you got."

  Dammit, he was right. My circle of friends consisted of him and ... Well, him. Somebody shoot me. My best girlfriend was a troll. Life didn't get any worse than that. I'd better say I was sorry, before all I had was the dragon's shoulder to cry on.

  "Sorry, maybe I am wrapped a little too tightly but that doesn't mean you have the right to barge into my house without warning."

  "Well, I can see how finding a bunch a giants in your house might have upset you. I'll ask you next time before we show up."

  "Wait, I didn't mean...” What the hell? If my plan didn't work out with Gregory, a weekly poker game might help me forget what a failure I am.

  "Nikki, mind telling me what's really bothering you? I thought we settled this Greggie baby thing this morning."

  I sat on the bed, shoving my face into my hands. “We did but what if I go to all this trouble and it turns out he doesn't want me? It's inconceivable, but you never know."

  "Shoot, girl. Of course he does. I may get in trouble for telling you this, but what the hell.” He leaned in close, taking a look at the door. “Men are stoopid. This Gregory probably thinks you're too good for him. All that trust crap he tossed at you was a defense mechanism. He didn't want you to know how much he liked you because he was afraid you'd laugh in his face."

  "But I told him I loved him and he threw it back at me like it meant nothing.” I tried not to cry but couldn't stop myself.

  Nob pulled the nastiest looking hanky out of his pocket and handed it to me. “Dab those eyes, before you scare the dragon."

  I took it to be polite but I'd be damned if I'd use it. “But I mean it. He might not...” I couldn't bring myself to say the words again.

  "He just needs time to get used to the idea, is all."

  Nob might have been right. Men were stupid. Hell, Gregory could barely function without a computer in front of him. He came to me for help. That should tell you something there. Thrown into the lion's den of love for the first time, he had to screw up. Morloque, hadn't we all.

  If I didn't do anything, then I'd be as stupid as he was. I knew without a doubt we were made for each other. I might be a witch and him as mortal as they came, but against all odds I wanted him to be happy. Of course my definition of happy involved him with me for all time in a sickeningly sweet happy ever after. I know. The thought grossed me out, too.

  "So you're saying I should go after him."

  The troll patted my knee. “No, I'm saying do what feels right to you."

  That settled it. “I'm going to make him mine."

  "There ya go.” He jumped from the bed and waddled toward the door. “Hey, toots, on your way back from trapping his ass, could you pick up a six pack of Hieny's and a bag of Fritoes? I think this game could run all night."

  What the hell? After that pep talk, he deserved it.

  I'd spent enough time fooling around. If I wanted to
get mes a man, I had to stop bellyaching about it, get off my butt and go make it happen. Oh yeah, baby! It was time to get my wicked on.

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  Chapter 19

  Standing in the parking lot, I wasn't so sure. What I had planned wasn't for the weak at heart. If it went the way I thought it would, things could get complicated. It might have been easier just to trash the place, snatch Gregory and run like hell. Dion had a nasty temper, so I kept ideas of vandalism and kidnapping to myself.

  The sun had dropped behind the tangle of trees, casting long shadows over the deserted parking lot as I sauntered up to the door. Only a few cars spotted the packed gravel. I knew, in another hour or so, that wouldn't be the case. The sweltering summer heat wouldn't bleed off until nearly morning, so universally, people would drive the short distance to eat out, rather than endure the added warmth from a super-heated kitchen.

  My only true concern wasn't Melina shipping me off to Mom for the rest of my life. I wasn't even worried about Gregory not realizing he loved me. He would, that was already a done deal, as far as I was concerned. The only thing that had me shitting bricks was Dion. See, to get the job done I'd have to play fast with the rule book when it came to using magic around morts.

  Dion might fudge his way around the rules when it suited him, but what I had planned went way past fudging. It went straight to, ‘Damn did she just do that?’ Yep, Nob had definitely lit a fire under my butt.

  The first part of my scheme called for subterfuge. Hence my disguise. If you hadn't noticed, I was wearing one. I'd rummaged around until I found my old hag outfit, minus the hat because the damn thing still refused to be found. I didn't look my best, but for this to work I didn't want to glamour anybody. Standing out in the crowd was the last thing on my agenda.

  I slipped through the door without soliciting much notice. See, already my plan was working like a charm, not one of mine, but one that actually worked the way it's supposed to. If I could make it to a quiet corner unnoticed, I could really get down to business. I'd spotted just the place, and taken a step in the right direction when I felt a hand fall on the small of my back. Oops, caught in the act.

  "Nikki, you wouldn't be planning any mischief, now would you?” Dang it! I knew he'd sniff me out before I got a foot through the door. Dion was just that scary.

  "Dion, whatever gave you that idea?” I flinched because he knew me so well.

  "Well, for one thing, you're in your working clothes.” He spun me around until I was staring into his chest. “And for a second thing, that boy you were in here with the other night has a sweet young thing with him in that back corner."

  I nearly twisted my neck out of its socket, trying to see what back corner he was talking about. I guessed trying to look innocent might be out of the question. So I tried a little deception. Don't look so surprised. It could work.

  "Of course I know he's here. Gregory is my client after all.” I do indignant very well, don't ya think?

  Dion scratched a massive eyebrow. “He is?"

  "He is. I'm in my working clothes to make sure he doesn't screw up.” I lie well, too.

  "The boy's a real comer. I don't think you have to worry about him on that account. He's got this girl eating out of the palm of his hand."

  Oh, I bet she was. The skank!

  "Dion, I hate to be a bother, but could you get me a table close to where they're sitting so I can keep an eye on things? Melina will skin me alive if I screw this up.” She'd skin me alive if I went through with what I had in mind, but then again, so would Dion.

  "No problem, doll. Just take a left at the potted fern and seat yourself. I'll have a waitress bring you over something to nosh on.” His acceptance of my blatant lie made me feel guilty. Then it quickly faded. All's fair, as they say.

  I waited for him to disappear into the kitchen before I slunk in the direction he'd pointed. Poking my head over the plant, I saw them. They were huddled together over a plate of appetizers feeding each other. Excuse me. I may be sick.

  I belched back a mouthful of this morning's pastry. The whole scene made me wonder if this love business was worth all the effort I was going through. I pulled back the fern in disgust, trying to get a closer look. They were positively indecent. Dion ought to throw them out before the vice squad busted the place for being a den of iniquity.

  The sight of her sucking the tip of his finger caused my hand to slip. The fern slapped me full in my face. I'm pretty sure the damn thing tattooed little leaves on my forehead from the impact. If I hadn't slapped on a couple pounds of makeup I'd be pissed by that fact. Since I was in disguise, I rolled with the added touch, and stumbled toward a booth not far from the happy couple.

  They gave me an odd look as I shuffled into my seat across from them. My appearance was so horrific human instinct to ignore the abnormal took over and they quickly went back to soaking each other in. Having them ignore me suited my purposes just fine. I wanted them to act like I wasn't here. I needed little Butter-Won't-Melt-In-My-Mouth to slip up. Then I'd pounce, and Gregory could see just what he was well and truly dealing with.

  I slid further back into the booth until my face became hidden in the shadow of the lattice work partition separating the booths. My spot had an unobstructed view of them, letting me hear them whispering to each other. The words were garbled and unintelligible.

  That wouldn't do. Time for the first bit of magic of the night. With a twist of my pinky, I excited the air molecules between me and their table creating a sonic funnel. Believe me, it was cheaper than anything you could get out of Sharper Image and a lot safer than raiding the CIA for surveillance equipment.

  I'd been so intent of warping up the spell, I missed the waitress who dropped off my plate of goodies during all the fuss. Catching sight of her walking away, I realized I was absolutely famished. I snagged a lamb thingie as the sonic funnel started pumping their voices to me. Munching down, I hunkered down to listen to Greg and the chippie.

  "Oh, Greggie. I can't believe this is our second date,” she caterwauled.

  "Me either, Alice. I hope you like Dion's. I wanted to make this night special.” Oh gag me.

  "Just being with you makes it special.” She leaned in and touched his hand.

  "Really?"

  For some reason I didn't believe her. Call me jaded, but let's see if a dash of honesty changed her story. I let another pinky spell fly, zapping her right between the eyes.

  "Well, would it have killed you to take me someplace that didn't smell like a dead goat?” Alice's hands went straight to her mouth.

  Hurt flashed across Gregory's face. “I'm sorry. A friend told me this was the perfect place to bring a woman for a romantic date."

  "Greggie, I don't know what's wrong with me. This is a nice place. I think my blood sugar must be low.” Or all that silicone was seeping into her bloodstream.

  "No, if you'd rather go someplace else, I understand."

  "I told you. As long as I'm with you, that's all that matters.” She took his hand and gave it a peck.

  "Are you sure?” He looked doubtful.

  "Of course I am. I'm not the type of woman who needs fancy things to be impressed.” My pinky twitched without me even having to tell it to. “But would it have killed you to buy me a present or something before picking me up to bring me to this roach motel?"

  "Uh, I didn't know I was supposed to.” Gregory dropped her hand like he'd just committed a crime against nature.

  Alice looked mortified, but quickly recovered from her faux pas. “Silly goose. You actually thought I was serious? I wanted you to see what type of woman you could be spending the night with."

  "You were joking?"

  "Of course I was. Greggie, from the moment we met, I knew you were something special. I'm with you for the person inside you, not for the things you can do for me.” The sincerity in her voice sounded as fake as her boobs looked in this natural lighting.

  My pinky was tied up with a bite of pita b
read, so I flicked my thumb, sending not only a heaping dose of magic her way but a dollop of hummus as well. Damn, I hated to waste good food.

  "But my last boyfriend at least could afford to buy me this fabulous necklace and he worked at Payless.” She threw a kebab in her mouth before she could say anything more. I had to chuckle as she choked on the lamb and her words.

  "Alice, are you okay?” Gregory jumped from his seat, rushing around behind her. He banged on her back until a hunk of lamb went shooting across the table.

  "I'm fine. That'll teach me to talk with my mouth full."

  "You scared me. What was so important you couldn't wait to finish eating before you told me?” He handed her a glass of water and went back to his seat.

  Tears ran down her face, as she croaked out the words. “Just that I love being here with you."

  Did she now? I suppressed a maniacal chuckle as I felt a burst of wicked rise within me. I had to wonder if this was how Mom and Melina felt all the time. The feeling definitely could get addictive. Given time, I thought I could come to like this.

  As much fun as this was for me, Gregory deserved to know the truth about his lady love. She was just as witchy as I was. The only difference, I didn't hide mine behind blond dye and fake everything else. Gregory wanted the truth? Well, here it was.

  I did a double twist with a zinger back, and let fly. Alice opened her mouth, and what came out next shocked even me.

  "How I love being here with you! You may be the biggest geek in the world, but gawd, after seeing your picture in my ex-boyfriend's Gamer Today as one of the richest programmers alive, I'd listen to you babble on for a chance to snag those millions you've got squirreled away."

  "Alice!” Gregory's jaw dropped. The expression on his face tore a hole through my heart. Suddenly my wicked didn't feel so good.

  "What are you looking at? From the looks of you, you'd pay through the nose for a good lay. Why shouldn't a girl like me cash in on a gold mine like you? Hell, I'd have fucked your brains out last night if you hadn't run off like a bitch.” Maybe I went overboard with my last spell. That was a little harsh.