Delphi Collected Works of W. Somerset Maugham (Illustrated)
Page 333
Lady Wanley.
No, Ambrose, I beseech you not to.
Holland.
Good heavens, the whole thing was done so that you might have an opportunity to crow over Mrs. Jennings. Now you’re going to have it.
Lady Wanley.
But I don’t want it any more. It was a foolish thing. Let him go quietly.
Holland.
But, you see, he won’t go.
Enter Mr. and Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
Oh, your Royal ‘Ighness, we’ve been looking for you everywhere. We couldn’t make out what ‘ad become of you.
Parker-Jennings.
All the county is there. Crème de la crème.
Vincent comes in hurriedly.
Vincent.
I say, mater, what on earth are you doing? Hurry up, the duchess has just driven up.... Oh, I beg your pardon, sir. I didn’t know you were there.
Holland.
Vincent, go and fetch your sister. I have something important to say that it is necessary for her to hear.
Vincent.
But look here, the duchess has just....
Holland.
Oh, hang the duchess. Where’s Ethel?
Vincent.
She’s sitting just outside, talking to Serlo.
Holland.
Then call her.
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
[Looking round with astonishment.] ‘As anythin ‘appened?
[Vincent goes out and in a moment returns with Ethel and Serlo.
Lady Wanley.
[To Holland.] Ambrose, be gentle.
Parker-Jennings.
Your Royal Highness isn’t put out about anything?
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
[Quickly.] Oh, I ‘ope we ‘aven’t made any faux pas.
Jack Straw.
Nothing has happened to displease me. I’m in the best possible humour, thank you.
Holland.
[Seeing Ethel.] Oh, there you are. [Addressing himself to the company in general.] I have something very painful to say, and I don’t know how I’m going to make it clear to you.
Serlo.
I say, is this any business of mine? Shall I hook it?
Jack Straw.
Oh no, pray stay by all means.
Lady Wanley.
[To Jack Straw.] Haven’t you changed your mind, sir?
Jack Straw.
I’m like a historical character whose name I can’t remember at the moment: I never change my mind.
Holland.
Mrs. Jennings, I’m afraid there’s no use in my trying to excuse myself. I had better just tell you everything as shortly as I can.
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
Mr. Holland, don’t you think it can wait till later? The duchess ‘as just come, and it’ll look so funny if I’m not there to receive her.
Jack Straw.
Mr. Holland has a communication to make which cannot fail to interest you.
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
Oh, of course, if it’s your Royal ‘Ighness’s wish.
Holland.
I daresay you remember that a fortnight ago we all met at the Grand Babylon Hotel.
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
How could I forget, when that was the auspicious occasion of my introduction to his Royal ‘Ighness.
Lady Wanley.
Ambrose.
Holland.
You may remember, also, that Mr. and Mrs. Abbott were sitting with us in the lounge.
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
I ‘ave other things to do than to remember where Mr. and Mrs. Abbott were sitting.
Holland.
I daresay you’ve forgotten that you behaved very cruelly to her. We were all very indignant. We thought it necessary to punish you.
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
Really, Mr. Holland, I don’t know who you think you’re talking to.
Holland.
I find it very difficult to say what I have to — I realise now that the whole business has been preposterously silly — I can manage far better if you don’t interrupt.
Jack Straw.
Please let him go on, Mrs. Jennings.
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
Of, of course, if your Royal ‘Ighness wishes it I ‘ave no more to say.
Holland.
It struck me that it would be amusing to pass off a nobody as a person of great consequence. I had just recognised one of the waiters as an old friend of mine. I introduced him to you as the Archduke Sebastian of Pomerania.
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
What! Then ...?
[She is at a loss for words. Serlo goes into a shout of laughter.
Serlo.
What a sell! By George, what a sell!
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
[Going up to Jack Straw.] Do you mean to say you’re not....
Vincent.
I thought I knew his face the moment I saw him.
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
Speak, man, speak.
—
These four
speeches are said
very quickly,
almost
simultaneously.
Jack Straw.
[With the greatest urbanity.] Madam, I stepped out of the uniform of a waiter at the Grand Babylon Hotel into the sober garb of the person you now see before you.
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
Then you’re nothing short of an impostor. Oh! Oh! Now, then, Jennings, you’re a man. Do something.
Parker-Jennings.
And he’s been lappin’ up my best champagne lunch and dinner for a week.
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
Oh, damn your champagne.
Vincent.
Mater!
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
Oh, you fool, you fool! You’ve ‘ad the education. You’ve been to Oxford, and we gave you four thousand a year. Didn’t you learn enough to tell the difference between an archduke and a waiter?
Vincent.
Serlo didn’t spot him.
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
Who’s Serlo? Fine marquess he is — spends all his time with stable boys and barmaids. How do I know he is a marquess?
Serlo.
Don’t mind me, will you?
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
Is there no one who can do something? And that man stands there as if he didn’t care a ball of worsted. Don’t you be too sure, my young friend. It’s your Royal ‘Ighness this, and your Royal ‘Ighness that. And we had to call you sir. Waiter, ‘alf a pint of bitter, and look sharp about it.
Ethel.
Mother!
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
Oh, don’t talk to me. [To Jack Straw.] Well, what have you got to say?
Jack Straw.
My dear lady, you’re so voluble, it would be difficult for me to get a word in edgeways.
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
Well, I’m listening.
Jack Straw.
Ah, there you have me, for in point of fact I can think of no appropriate observation.
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
And you’ve been laughing at me all the time, ‘ave you? Well, you’re going to laugh on the other side of your face now, young feller-my-lad.
Jack Straw.
I shall be interested to see how one performs that very curious operation.
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
Well, shall I tell you who’ll show you?
Jack Straw.
Yes, do.
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
The police, my lad, the police.
Jack Straw.
I wouldn’t send for them if I were you.
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
Wouldn’t you?
Jack Straw.
I wouldn’t really.
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
Well, I would.
Jack Straw.
Don’t you think it’ll be a little awkward with all thes
e people here?
Vincent.
We can’t have a scene now, mater.
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
D’you mean to say I’ve got to sit still and lump it?
Jack Straw.
If you ask my advice, that is what I should recommend.
Parker-Jennings.
All the county’s here, Maria. Crème de la crème.
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
Oh, I wish they were all dead. I know why they come here. D’you think I don’t know that they call me a vulgar old woman behind my back? But they come all the same because I’ve got two millions of money. I’m so rich that they can’t ‘elp coming.
Jack Straw.
You know, I don’t want to seem stuck up, but in point of fact they’ve come to-day to meet me. Don’t you think I’d better go and make myself amiable to them?
Holland.
You don’t mean to say you’re going back to them?
Jack Straw.
Why not?
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
‘Ave I got to introduce you to the duchess?
Jack Straw.
I’m afraid she’ll make a point of it. Even duchesses have a weakness for royal personages.
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
If she ever finds out!
Jack Straw.
The situation is not without an element of humour.
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
Well, upon my soul, you ‘ave got a cheek!
Jack Straw.
The motto on my coat of arms is audacity. Only we put it in Latin because it sounds better.
Vincent.
Your coat of arms, I like that.
Jack Straw.
My dear fellow, I have no doubt it is as authentic as yours.
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
And do you mean to say I’ve got to pretend I don’t know anything?
Jack Straw.
I think it’s the only thing to do.
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
I can never do it. I shall never ‘old up my ‘ead again.
Jack Straw.
Come. I am convinced that the duchess is growing restive. I will murmur a few soft nothings in her ear.
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
Oh, well, I suppose the only thing is to risk it. But you just wait, young man, you wait.
Jack Straw.
I think I can promise you that no one here will — blow the gaff.
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
Upon my soul, you talk as if I was the criminal.
[She starts and stops suddenly with a cry.
Holland.
What’s the matter?
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
Oh, it give me such a turn. What’s to be done now? The Count.
Holland.
How d’you mean?
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
I’d forgotten all about him. Count von Bremer coming.
Jack Straw.
Who the deuce is he?
Holland.
He’s your ambassador.
Jack Straw.
Of course, how stupid of me!
Lady Wanley.
[With a little scornful smile.] But he won’t come.
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
Don’t you make too sure about that. He’s coming right enough. The British aristocracy was quite willing to ‘ob-nob with the Parker-Jennings, but this duty foreigner wouldn’t be seen in the same street with us. And you all sniggered up your sleeves, because you thought you was getting a bit of your own back. But I’ve got ’im to-day, and I was going to fling him in your faces. I wrote ’im a personal letter — as if I’d known him all my life — and said....
Jack Straw.
Well?
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
And said ’is Royal ‘Ighness particularly wished him to come. I sent the letter by one of the footmen this morning.
Jack Straw.
By Jove!
Holland.
Well, they mustn’t meet. You must say that the Archduke has been seized with sudden indisposition.
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
Every one knows he was quite well half an hour ago.
Lady Wanley.
Besides, Count von Bremer would probably insist on seeing him. It must have come as a great surprise that the Archduke Sebastian had turned up.
Jack Straw.
My dear people, don’t put yourselves out. If Count von Bremer has come here to see me, it would be manifestly most discourteous to rob him of that pleasure.
Holland.
I think you’re quite mad, Jack.
Jack Straw.
Unless I’m greatly mistaken, Count von Bremer has excessively bad sight.
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
You don’t mean to say you’re going to meet ’im face to face?
Jack Straw.
Remember that there are eighty-one Archdukes in Pomerania.
Ethel.
You told me seventy-nine a little while ago.
Jack Straw.
I have since seen in the paper that the Archduchess Anastasia has had twins, which makes eighty-one. What more probable than that the Ambassador has never seen the Archduke Sebastian?
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
Oh, but what a risk to take. It’s enough to turn my false ‘air grey.
Jack Straw.
In any case, he can’t have set eyes on him for four years, because nobody has.
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
I suppose it ‘asn’t struck you that he may talk to you in Pomeranian.
Jack Straw.
Have you ever met a waiter who couldn’t discourse fluently in seven languages at least?
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
Does that mean you can talk the Count’s beastly language?
Jack Straw.
Like a beastly native, madam. But I may suggest to you that there will be no need, since if I address the Count in English it would be the height of discourtesy for him to answer in any other tongue.
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
Well, of all the cheek I’ve ever come across in my life, you just about take the cake.
Holland.
But look here, I remember seeing the Archduke described as a very handsome man.
Jack Straw.
Spare my blushes, dear friend. We are as like as two peas.
Mrs. Withers comes in.
Mrs. Withers.
Maria, the Count is looking for you everywhere. [Seeing Jack Straw.] Oh, I beg your pardon, sir.
Jack Straw.
Not at all.
Mrs. Withers.
He’s just coming along with Mr. Withers.
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
[In an aside to Jack Straw.] Try and behave like a gentleman.
Enter Count Adrian von Bremer and Withers.
Jack Straw.
My dear Count!
Count.
This is a welcome surprise, sir.
Jack Straw.
You know my hostess?
Count.
[Shaking hands with Mrs. Parker-Jennings.] How do you do?
Jack Straw.
It is many years since we met.
Count.
I should have never recognised you, sir.
Jack Straw.
I expect I had a moustache when you last saw me.
Count.
That changes a face so much. And then I am so blind nowadays.
Jack Straw.
I daresay you have later news of the Emperor than I.
Count.
It will be a great pleasure to His Majesty to know that you are in England, sir. I have ventured to telegraph to him.
Jack Straw.
Have you, by Jove!
Count.
It was my duty to do so.
Jack Straw.
I daresay you have several things you want to talk to me about?
Count.
I was hoping you would give me a few minutes
conversation.
Jack Straw.
[To Mrs. Parker-Jennings.] Will you forgive us if we take a little stroll in the rose garden?
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
[Grimly.] I am much honoured, sir, that your Royal Highness should condescend to walk in my rose garden.
Jack Straw.
Come. [He takes the Count’s arm. At the door the Count hesitates.] [Motioning to him to go first.] No, I pray you. I am at home here — the most comfortable, hospitable home I have known for many a long day.
Count.
Do you propose to stay in these parts much longer, sir?
Jack Straw.
I shall stay till Mrs. Parker-Jennings turns me out.
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
You do us a great honour, sir. [The Count goes out. Just as he is going Jack Straw turns round and gives Mrs. Parker-Jennings an elaborate wink.] [Furiously.] You, you, you, you, damned waiter!
END OF THE SECOND ACT.
THE THIRD ACT
The Scene is the same as in the preceding Act.
Next morning.
Mrs. Parker-Jennings and Vincent are discovered.
Vincent.
Where’s the governor?
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
He’s ‘aving an interview with the waiter.
Vincent.
I hope he’ll give him what for.
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
You trust your father for that. Oh, I thought I should never get through last night. Eighteen people to dinner, and me on pins and needles the whole time.
Vincent.
There’s a ripping long account of the Garden Party in the Cheshire Times.
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
Do you think I’ve not seen it?
Vincent.
It went off beautifully; no one can deny that. There wasn’t a hitch.
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
[With a little cry of rage.] Oh!
Enter Mr. Parker-Jennings.
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
Well?
Parker-Jennings.
[Apologetically.] My dear.
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
[Indignantly.] You’ve been and gone and made another old fool of yourself, Jennings.
Parker-Jennings.
[With a deprecating laugh.] I’m afraid it’s the same old fool as usual, Maria.
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
Don’t make jokes at me, Robert. Keep them for your City friends.
Parker-Jennings.
He’s had breakfast.
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
‘As he indeed. At ‘alf-past eleven. He’s not putting himself out, is he?
Vincent.
When’s he going, father?
Mrs. Parker-Jennings.
It isn’t a question of when he’s going. Your father went to him and said he was to clear out before twelve o’clock or we’d send for the police, come what might. That’s what you told him, Robert, isn’t it?