Delphi Collected Works of W. Somerset Maugham (Illustrated)

by William Somerset Maugham

  Parker-Jennings.

  Well, my dear....

  Mrs. Parker-Jennings.

  You always were a fool, Jennings. What have you done now?

  Parker-Jennings.

  Well, my dear, he insisted on having one of the footmen in the room. He said he didn’t like this English habit of ours of having no servants at the breakfast-table.

  Mrs. Parker-Jennings.

  You don’t mean to say you let him order my servants about?

  Parker-Jennings.

  My dear, what could I do? There was one of them in the room at the time.

  Mrs. Parker-Jennings.

  And you sat by while he ate his breakfast?

  Parker-Jennings.

  He has a very healthy appetite, Maria.

  Mrs. Parker-Jennings.

  Don’t talk to me. You must ‘ave ‘ad some opportunity to give him a piece of your mind.

  Parker-Jennings.

  Well, my dear, we were left alone for a minute.

  Mrs. Parker-Jennings.

  Well?

  Parker-Jennings.

  [Helplessly.] He was so affable that....

  Mrs. Parker-Jennings.

  Affable! Oh, you blithering fool. Wait till I get a word with him.

  Parker-Jennings.

  Well, my dear, why didn’t you get rid of him last night?

  Mrs. Parker-Jennings.

  How could I get rid of ’im last night, with eighteen people come to dinner to meet ’im?

  Vincent.

  What about Lady Wanley?

  Mrs. Parker-Jennings.

  Oh, I never want to set eyes on her again. I know she was at the bottom of this.

  Vincent.

  But I thought you’d sent for her.

  Mrs. Parker-Jennings.

  So I ‘ave, and for Holland too. They got us into the mess, and they must get us out of it. It’s just as bad for them as for us now. That’s one comfort.

  Jack Straw comes in, in flannels, looking very cool and comfortable.

  Jack Straw.

  Hulloa, there you are! I was just hunting around for some one to give me a cigarette.

  Mrs. Parker-Jennings.

  [Ironically.] I ‘ope you ‘ad a comfortable breakfast.

  Jack Straw.

  A 1, thanks. Give me a cigarette, old man?

  [Vincent is helping himself to one, and Jack Straw takes the case out of his hand, helps himself, and returns it.

  Vincent.

  Don’t mind me, will you?

  Jack Straw.

  Not at all.

  Mrs. Parker-Jennings.

  [Aggressively.] Well?

  Jack Straw.

  Jolly party you gave yesterday, Mrs. Jennings. It was a great success, wasn’t it? [Turning to Parker-Jennings.] By the way, what was that port we drank last night?

  Mrs. Parker-Jennings.

  No, you don’t, my friend. You may be able to bluff Jennings, but you don’t bluff me.

  Jack Straw.

  Bluff? Bluff? I flatter myself on my knowledge of English, but I don’t think I’ve ever come across that word.

  Mrs. Parker-Jennings.

  Haven’t you? Perhaps you ‘aven’t come across the word skilly either? But, unless you look out, you’ll know what it is before you want to.

  Jack Straw.

  You talk in riddles, dear lady. I always think it a fatiguing habit.

  Mrs. Parker-Jennings.

  Oh, I’ll make myself clear. Don’t you ‘ave any fear about that.

  Jack Straw.

  [Sitting down lazily.] I can’t help feeling the interval between breakfast and luncheon in a country house is one of the most agreeable moments of the day.

  Mrs. Parker-Jennings.

  See that there’s no one about, Vincent.

  Vincent.

  It’s all right, mater.

  Jack Straw.

  [Looking at him blandly.] You have all the airs of a conspirator in a romantic play, my friend. You only want a false beard and some blue spectacles to make the picture perfect.

  Mrs. Parker-Jennings.

  Now then, you listen to me, young man.

  Jack Straw.

  You flatter me, madam.

  Mrs. Parker-Jennings.

  We’ve talked it over, my ‘usband and me, and we’re no fools, whatever you may think. You richly deserve to be ‘anded over to the police.

  Jack Straw.

  One moment. To which character are you now addressing yourself, to the Archduke Sebastian or the waiter from the Grand Babylon Hotel?

  Mrs. Parker-Jennings.

  Oh, if you don’t take care, I’ll give you such a box on the ears.

  Jack Straw.

  You certainly wouldn’t do that to a royal personage, would you? You must be concerned for the moment with Jack Straw.

  Mrs. Parker-Jennings.

  It may surprise you, but I ‘ave been for the last ‘alf hour.

  Jack Straw.

  I thought your manner had been a little abrupt.

  Mrs. Parker-Jennings.

  I was saying that you richly deserved to be ‘anded over to the police.

  Jack Straw.

  There may be two opinions on that question, but we will let it pass.

  Mrs. Parker-Jennings.

  But we don’t want a scandal.

  Jack Straw.

  One has to be so careful in the smart set, doesn’t one?

  Mrs. Parker-Jennings.

  And we’re willing to let you go. Your luggage shall be packed, the motor shall take you to the station.

  Vincent.

  Mother, we shall all have to see him off, or it’ll look so fishy.

  Mrs. Parker-Jennings.

  Oh, we’ll see him off. Anything to get rid of ’im safely. There’s a train in an hour from now. And I ‘ave only one piece of advice to you, and that is, take the chance while you’ve got it.

  Jack Straw.

  It’s very kind of you, but I’m extremely comfortable here.

  Mrs. Parker-Jennings.

  You make me laugh.

  Jack Straw.

  I always think it hard that it should be so difficult to make people do that when you’re trying to be funny, and so easy when you’re trying to be serious.

  Mrs. Parker-Jennings.

  You don’t want me to tell my footman to take you by the scruff of the neck, and....

  Jack Straw.

  My dear lady, let us keep perfectly calm. It would become neither of us to lose our tempers.

  Mrs. Parker-Jennings.

  Do you mean to say you won’t go?

  Jack Straw.

  You put it in such a brutal way. Let us say rather, that I cannot tear myself away from your hospitable roof.

  Mrs. Parker-Jennings.

  Ha, and how long do you propose to give us the honour of your company?

  Jack Straw.

  Well, I really haven’t quite made up my mind. I’m proposing to await developments.

  Mrs. Parker-Jennings.

  Send for the police, Robert. I won’t put up with it.

  Vincent.

  You know, mother....

  Mrs. Parker-Jennings.

  Hold your tongue, Vincent.... [To Jack Straw.] Oh, my friend, I’m sorry for you. Those nice white ‘ands of yours will look pretty after they’ve been picking oakum for six months.

  Jack Straw.

  I had an idea that had been abolished in England.

  Mrs. Parker-Jennings.

  Oh no, I think not.

  Jack Straw.

  Ah, perhaps it was the treadmill I was thinking of.

  Mrs. Parker-Jennings.

  Well, Vincent, ‘ow much longer are you going to stand there like a stuffed owl?

  Jack Straw.

  Do my eyes deceive me, or is that a local paper that I see? [He takes it up.] Ah, I surmised that it would have an account of your garden party. Two columns of it, by Jove! You must wish you hadn’t asked so many people. [Reading.] The Duchess o
f St. Erth, the Marchioness of Mereston, the Marquess of Mereston, Lord and Lady Hollington, Viscount Parnaby — dear me, how smart — Lady Wanley, Mr. and Mrs. Lamberville, the Bishop of Sheffield, and the Honourable Mrs. Spratte.... I say, won’t your humbler friends grind their teeth with envy. But doesn’t it say anything about me? Here it is. [Reading.] “The Archduke Sebastian looked every inch a prince.” I said so. [Reading to himself.] Oh, spare my blushes. [Aloud.] “His Royal Highness enchanted every one by the grace of his bearing and the charm of his Imperial personality.” Blood will tell.

  Mrs. Parker-Jennings.

  [To Parker-Jennings.] Are you going to stand there and let this man insult me, Robert?

  Jack Straw.

  [Blandly.] And what do you imagine all these noble and distinguished persons will think when they read in the next number of the local paper that the royal personage whose hand they were so pleased to shake — I did my duty like a hero, didn’t I? — was serving coffee and liqueurs a fortnight ago in the Grand Babylon Hotel?

  Mrs. Parker-Jennings.

  Oh, be quiet, you....

  Jack Straw.

  I can hear a titter rising softly in the village, with the doctor and the parson and the solicitor, whom you didn’t ask to your party, and I can hear it increase to a ripple of laughter as the story spreads through Cheshire. I can hear a Homeric peal as it travels from county to county. It’s a great guffaw in Manchester and Liverpool and the cities of the North, and already I hear the deep laughter of Bristol and Portsmouth and the West. And when it reaches London — you know how things go in London, it’s so large that it takes it a little time really to get hold of anything, but when at last it comes, can’t you see the huge city holding its aching sides and bellowing with laughter. But I’ll tell you who won’t see the joke — [taking up the paper and reading] — oh, they’ll laugh very much on the wrong side of their mouths; the Duchess of St. Erth, the Marchioness of Mereston, and my Lady Hollington and my Lord Parnaby, and the Bishop of Sheffield and the Honourable Mrs. Spratte.

  Mrs. Parker-Jennings.

  Oh, you devil!

  Jack Straw.

  I can see you flying before the laughter like three tremulous leaves before the wind, and the laughter will pursue you to Paris, where they’ll make little songs about you on the boulevards, and the Riviera, where they’ll sell your photographs on picture postcards. I can see you fleeing across the Atlantic to hide your heads in the immensity of America, and there the Yellow Press, pea-green with frenzy, will pile column of ridicule upon column of invective. Oh, my dear lady, do you think it isn’t worth while to endure six months hard labour to amuse the world so profoundly?

  [There is a silence. Parker-Jennings takes out his handkerchief, makes it into a ball and mops his forehead. Vincent, noticing him, does the same. Mrs. Parker-Jennings gives the two a glance, sees what they are doing, takes out her handkerchief, rolls it up into a ball, and slowly mops her forehead.

  Parker-Jennings.

  It’s no good, Maria; we can’t give him in charge.

  Mrs. Parker-Jennings.

  Tell me something I don’t know. We’re in the man’s hands, and he knows it.

  Jack Straw.

  [With an amiable smile.] I thought you would come to see the situation from my point of view.

  Mrs. Parker-Jennings.

  [Beaten.] What are you going to do?

  Jack Straw.

  At the present moment, with your permission, I am going to have a small brandy and soda. Ring the bell, Vincent.

  Vincent.

  Shall I, ma?

  Mrs. Parker-Jennings.

  [With angry resignation.] Oh, yes, ring it.

  Jack Straw.

  For your own sake, I warn you to behave with the utmost decorum before the servant.

  [A Footman appears.

  Parker-Jennings.

  Bring his Royal Highness a brandy and soda, James.

  Servant.

  Very good, sir.

  [Exit.

  Mrs. Parker-Jennings.

  Oh, I wish it would choke you.

  Jack Straw.

  I’m afraid I can hold out no hope of that.

  Mrs. Parker-Jennings.

  Now, look here, I’m no fool, Mr. —— I don’t know what to call you....

  Jack Straw.

  You’ll find it’ll be more convenient to address me as you have always done.

  Vincent.

  The cheek of it! I can see myself saying sir to a damned waiter.

  Jack Straw.

  You were assuring me that you were no fool madam.

  Mrs. Parker-Jennings.

  You know just as well as we do that the last thing we want is a scandal, and you’ve got us on toast.

  Jack Straw.

  Well browned on both sides.

  Mrs. Parker-Jennings.

  If you’ll go quietly and at once we’ll give you a couple of hundred pounds. There!

  Jack Straw.

  Oh, this is a blow. To think that any one should be willing to give two hundred pounds to get rid of me! And I’ve always flattered myself that I was such an agreeable guest in a country house.

  Vincent.

  They have funny tastes in the servants’ hall, I daresay.

  Jack Straw.

  You have quite a knack of saying clever things, haven’t you?

  Mrs. Parker-Jennings.

  Well?

  Jack Straw.

  Madam, nothing will induce me to leave you till I have eradicated the unfortunate impression which I appear to have made on you.

  Mrs. Parker-Jennings.

  Do you mean to say....

  Parker-Jennings.

  [Interrupting.] Take care, mother. There’s James.

  The Footman enters with brandy and soda and glasses.

  Jack Straw.

  Be a good fellow, Vincent, and mix it for me, will you?

  Vincent.

  Certainly, sir.

  Jack Straw.

  Where do you get your brandy, Mr. Jennings? I like it very much.

  Parker-Jennings.

  It’s very good of your Royal Highness to say so.

  [Exit Footman.

  Mrs. Parker-Jennings.

  Oh, it’s insufferable.

  Enter the Footman to announce.

  Footman.

  Lady Wanley. Mr. Holland.

  [They enter. Exit Footman.

  Mrs. Parker-Jennings.

  There you are at last! This is a pretty kettle of fish.

  Vincent.

  Mother, for heaven’s sake don’t be vulgar.

  Mrs. Parker-Jennings.

  Oh, I can’t be refined now. If I’m vulgar, I can’t ‘elp it.

  Holland.

  But what is the matter?

  Mrs. Parker-Jennings.

  Good heavens, he’s the matter. He won’t go.

  Lady Wanley.

  What!

  Jack Straw.

  You know, it makes me feel very uncomfortable to hear you discussing me like this. Wouldn’t you like me to retire?

  Parker-Jennings.

  We’ve threatened him with the police.

  Holland.

  Well?

  Parker-Jennings.

  He just laughs at us.

  Vincent.

  We’ve even demeaned ourselves by offering him money.

  Holland.

  Of course he doesn’t want your money.

  Mrs. Parker-Jennings.

  Well, ‘adn’t you better suggest what he does want?

  Holland.

  Look here, Jack, you’ve made fools of the whole lot of us. Won’t you be a brick and clear out? We really are in a deuce of a scrape.

  Jack Straw.

  I am always touched by an appeal to my better nature, but in this case I propose to steel myself against your entreaties.

  Holland.

  Damn you!

  Jack Straw.

  Don’t lose your temper. You’ll only say something fool
ish, and I shall score off you.

  Holland.

  There’s only one thing to do, and that is to turn you out by main force.

  Jack Straw.

  That, strange as it may seem to you, has already been suggested, but I have explained to dear Mrs. Jennings the inconvenience of that course.

  Enter the Footman.

  Footman.

  Mrs. Withers is in her motor, madam, and wishes to know if you can see her for a moment.

  Mrs. Parker-Jennings.

  Oh, I can see nobody.

  Jack Straw.

  I hope you’re not refusing to see her on my account, dear Mrs. Jennings.

  Mrs. Parker-Jennings.

  [Very affably, before the servant.] Oh no, sir.

  Jack Straw.

  I wonder if you’d very much mind her coming in. I thought her such a nice woman, I should like to see her again.

  Mrs. Parker-Jennings.

  Oh, of course, if your Royal Highness wishes it....

  Jack Straw.

  Thanks so much.

  Mrs. Parker-Jennings.

  Show ‘er in, James.

  Footman.

  Very good, madam.

  [Exit Footman.

  Mrs. Parker-Jennings.

  My own ‘ouse isn’t my own now. I’m forced to see every one I don’t want to. If there’s any one I can’t bear it’s Fanny Withers. I only asked her yesterday because I thought she’d eat her ‘eart out with jealousy. She’s a snob if you like. I don’t know what she wants to come here for at this hour. [To Jack Straw.] Impostor! Impostor!

  Jack Straw.

  You know, upon my word you’re all very ungrateful. I lent an éclat to your party which has found lasting fame in the columns of the local paper. I chatted cordially with the Duchess of St. Erth, I allowed the Bishop of Sheffield to tell me harrowing stories about the immorality of the very best people, and when Count what’s his name....

  Mrs. Parker-Jennings.

  Adrian von Bremer — you might trouble to remember the name of your own Ambassador.

  Jack Straw.

  And when Count von Bremer came on the scene, and you were all at your wits’ end, I carried the whole thing off in a way which only my native modesty prevents me from describing as superb.

  Mrs. Parker-Jennings.

  How he didn’t find you out I don’t know. I was on pins and needles all the time he was here.

  Enter the Footman, followed by Mrs. Withers.

  Footman.

  Mrs. Horton Withers.

  [Exit.

  Mrs. Withers.

  Oh, my dear, I had to pop in just to tell you how beautifully everything went off yesterday.

  Mrs. Parker-Jennings.

  I’m glad our party had your approval.