Magic and Mayhem: A Collection of 21 Fantasy Novels

by Jasmine Walt

  Who let the dogs out? Who… Who…who-who…his cell phone sang.

  Dorius grabbed it, flipped it open and pushed the speaker button. "It's about time, Cujo."

  "Don't be a smart ass. You know it's my day off, Dorius. I'm in the Everglades with a few friends for the moon run. I just got your message. Whaddya need?"

  "Sorry to interrupt your little frolic in the swamp. I need you to go to Tavares. There's a park there on the water. Do you know the one?"

  "Yes, the marina off Nineteen, - on Main, right? The one with the wooden gym set."

  "That's the one," Dorius hissed.

  "It'll take me at least three hours to get there. Can't you get one of your Rogue Hunters on it?"

  "No, I want to handle this discreetly so get your hairy ass out there." Dorius glared at the cell phone in his hand.

  "What am I looking for?" Paul sighed.

  "Christopher. He's missing."

  I was somewhere between sleep and consciousness when I realized I was methodically grinding my teeth to the sound of metal scrapping metal. My nostrils flared with the strong odors of musk, animal pelt, death, and blood.

  I sat up and opened my eyes. The nose of a deer hung inches from my face. A drop of blood fell into a bucket underneath the deer. I yelped at the acoustic sound and cupped my ears. Large teeth dropped from my upper gums as the events of the evening flashed before my eyes. The kid. The dead lady. The dog… Tootles… I killed Tootles!

  I was in my butcher shop out in the barn. How the hell did JoAnn accomplish that? I must have passed out. Holy cow, I haven't passed out and not remembered how I got somewhere since I was twenty-five and toked on the hookah!

  Another drop of blood splashed into a bucket under the doe's nose. My stomach convulsed. My nostrils flared and I licked my lips.

  This can't be real! My eyes played over a cup, ladle, box of bendy straws, my sleeping bag and a pillow, all stacked in a neat pile beside the bucket, adding clarity to the moment. Shit! Did I really frigging kill my sister's little ankle nipper?

  The sound of blood dripping along with the methodical scraping noise ricocheted around in my brain. I frantically looked around the room. I need to get out of here and find JoAnn.

  I bolted to the door way too fast for my tired old bones, suddenly feeling lighter, more agile. I grabbed the handle and gave it a firm pull. It didn't budge. She's locked me in? Son-of-a-bitch! I kicked the door.

  Immediately the scraping noise stopped, followed by the sound of feet shuffling on the other side of the door.

  I noticed I didn't feel an ounce of pain in my usually sensitive feet as I stared at a dent in the metal door; a very small one, but nonetheless a dent.

  "Susan, you killed Tootles! My baby! You drank her - oh God, I'm gonna puke again." JoAnn gagged outside the door.

  Another drop hit the bucket. My head jerked toward the deer. I eyed the blood - I wanted the blood - I was salivating for the blood. Oh man, I'm a blood-sucking vampire!

  I began to make a mental list as my body pulled me toward the bucket: I'm gonna need a casket, and dark curtains for my bedroom and the living room windows. Get someone to take down the cross hanging over my bed. Warn the neighbors to keep their pets in at night - and… and - oh God, I killed Tootles!

  I picked up the glass and filled it with the ladle.

  "Damn it Susan, say something!"

  "What was all the scraping, JoAnn?" I asked, my eyes riveted on the glass.

  "Nothing."

  "I heard it. What where you doing?" My stomach growled.

  "Nothing."

  "You're in my barn. What are you playing with, JoAnn?"

  There was a long pause before she answered, "Well… when I was digging Tootles grave, and by the way, that was a dirty job - I cried the whole time. My makeup is a mess. My face is laced with grime. And poor Tootles..."

  Joann sobbed and sniffled, and then finally continued, "Anyway, I thought about putting the tent up. It's supposed to rain later and… well, I didn't want the grave to… anyway, one thought led to another… and I decided to sharpen the stakes so… just in case… um… while I waited for you to wake up."

  I leaned over the glass and inhaled the aroma with the satisfaction of a wine connoisseur's first sniff. I took a small, tentative sip from the glass while I gave her statement some thought. The blood tasted old, stale, but I shuddered with delight as the thick coppery liquid slid down my throat.

  "Your stakes won't kill me, JoAnn." I think - hell, I don't know - it sounded good, maybe she'd buy it.

  "Yes, they will! I've been reading Diary of a Vampire, Susan. I know what you are. You… you turned thirty years younger right in front of me and you grew fangs!"

  I made another mental note to get rid of the tent stakes. Did she say thirty years younger? I chugged the rest of the blood, quivering in ecstasy, then bolted for the butcher table, set the empty glass down, and grabbed for anything that would give off a reflection in the dim nightlight plugged into the wall over the table. I settled for a big spoon, and held in front of my face.

  Holy shit - will ya look at me. I fluffed my hair and turned my head from side to side to get a better view. "I… my God, I'm young again. JoAnn, I'm really a vampire!"

  "I know! I can't believe it either," JoAnn shouted. "Thank the Lord I didn't sleep through the whole Dracula movie the girls dragged us to last October. You're staying right where you are!"

  I laid down the spoon and tried to stay calm. No sense pissing off the idiot with the tent stakes in her hands.

  "Sweetie, I'm not going to drink your blood," I said in the sweetest voice I could muster.

  I ladled up another glass.

  "I broke three fingernails dragging you out of the jeep and into the wheelbarrow! And then I had to get you inside the cooler and, well, I hope I didn't hurt you when I dumped you in there and your head cracked on the cement."

  I rubbed my head, checking for lumps. "I'm sorry about Tootles. I would take it back if I could." Sh-yeah, right? I sucked down another big mouthful. My stomach growled for more. "I didn't mean it. I couldn't help myself, but better her than you, right? Now let me out so we can figure out what to do. I need your help, JoAnn."

  I lifted my shirt; my Cross Your Heart, Playtex 18 Hour Bra hung on the tips of two perfectly shaped firm breasts. Oh hell yes! My tits don't hit my waist anymore!

  "I'm waiting for the sun to come up. Then, I'll let you out," JoAnn said, whipping my attention off my new chest.

  I curled my lips back and glared at the locked door. "What, you intend to lure me out at daybreak and watch me fry?"

  "I don't know. You scare me," JoAnn choked out. "You could kill-"

  "Why bother locking me up in here? Why didn't you just tie me to a goddamn tree over Tootles' grave and send me off in a burst of flames when the sun comes up? I'm your sister for Christ sake, and all you're worried about is the dead dog! Let me out!"

  I chugged the blood, eyeing the half-empty bucket. Even though the lights were off, I realized I could see everything as if I were wearing night-vision goggles.

  I was pondering that bit of information when JoAnn said, "I'm not letting you out."

  "I need blood," I hissed, looking at my empty glass.

  "I know it's dark in there but I didn't want you to wake up to blaring lights. I hate waking up like that. There's a bucket of blood under the deer carcass. And it's almost full."

  No, it's almost empty. I may be drinking dead deer blood, but my second chin is gone and I have perky breasts… and just maybe… I pulled at the elastic on my jeans and gasped. No flab - no gallbladder scar! Weeeeeeeeeeee!

  "Drink the deer blood," JoAnn ordered all smart-alecky. "Because, I'm not letting you out."

  "What are you gonna do when it's gone? You gonna let me wither and die in here? Then stake me and burn my emaciated carcass?" I wish my daughter Resi was here! She'd kill for this firm body. I ladled up again, feeling like a bloodoholic.

  "Susan, I swear, I'm not going to
shove you in the sun, or stake you - even though you deserve it - unless you try to kill me. Then I will have to do something, right? I mean, I really don't want to, but if you leave me no choice. I will be prepared!"

  She's tapping the frigging tent stakes on the door. I swigged the blood, my body vibrating with delight. "Sooner or later you'll have to let me out, sun or no sun, because I will need more blood." And if you don't find a way to get me more of this iron-rich delicacy, you're gonna be my next meal.

  "Darn it," JoAnn said. "I'll be right back."

  Before I could ask what idiotic scheme she had in mind, my Kubota RTV revved up and took off.

  I looked around the butcher shop and knew I couldn't get out. No windows - the metal walls were lined with asbestos insulation to keep it cool when the refrigeration system was on. The bolt on the door was solid. Funny, it was only forty degrees in here and I didn't even feel cold.

  I was thinking about my new abilities when the RTV came to a grinding, gear-gnawing stop outside the door. I had to laugh. JoAnn's not outdoorsy, and the barn’s at least a football field away from the house, through the woods and a small field. And I don't think I can remember the last time she walked into what she so commonly called 'The Death Chamber'.

  There was a soft tapping at the door. "I'm getting you blood. It will be here in a few minutes. Can you wait?"

  Oh God, tell me she's not having someone come over so I can drink his or her blood. I could just see her opening the door and shoving someone in at me. God, that would make a great horror flick, now wouldn't it?

  Maybe we could install a camera and charge five bucks a pop for a look at a real immortal sucking the life from unsuspected victims.

  "Where are you getting the blood, JoAnn? I know it's not on Pizza Hut's take out menu. Who did you call?"

  "Zaire."

  Zaire, my younger daughter's lover, is a Maintenance Manager at the local hospital. As if my life wasn't bad enough, every estrogen producing person in my immediate family were now living under my roof.

  After a brief dabbling in the methamphetamine production business, Resi and Zaire found themselves evicted from their apartment due to a smallish explosion they were able to attribute to a microwave malfunction. Resi promptly planted her happy little ass back home with me, dragging Zaire with her.

  To make matters worse, God in his infinite wisdom sent a hurricane barreling through Dora Pines Mobile Home Park. This brought my eighty-three year old mother, sister, and the damn dog to my door, dragging the soggy remains of their previous life behind them in cardboard boxes.

  I had led a nice, quiet life with my older daughter, Jeni, before they'd all showed up.

  "Are you sure she'll bring it?" I asked. "Where's she going to get blood? I bet she thinks you're nuts."

  "She didn't think I was nuts after I told her you killed poor little Tootles. And she said the sun won't kill you, darn it." I could hear JoAnn sigh and lean against the door.

  Vampires were fiction before tonight. We don't know what will kill me, but I'm not going to share that little tidbit of information with her. I paced, knowing if Zaire didn't bring blood, as soon as Resi saw me, she'd lay her neck in front of my fangs faster than heading to the store to cash in a winning lottery ticket. "Where is everyone else?"

  "They don't know about you yet, Susan. They were all gone when we got here."

  Boy are they in for a surprise.

  "Jeni and Mom are at bingo. Resi's at the bar waiting for Zaire to get off work. I can call Jeni, I suppose, but then I'd have to tell them about Tootles, separately, and…"

  I saw red. Can't she just get past the Tootles thing, already? "I'm a frigging vampire! I'm dead, you idiot! I need help, here! Work with me, damn it!"

  "Fine! You always get what you want! I have to go back to the stupid house again. At least I can get the flowers off the dining room table for Tootles' grave." Her voice stepped up an octave as she spoke.

  "There's a portable phone and phone book in the roll top desk by the riding lawnmower." I wasn't going to wait for her to arrange flowers on Tootles' grave.

  "You have a telephone in here? Well, you could have told me that, before I went all the way to the house to call Zaire." I heard her footsteps as she stomped away.

  If you helped with the yard work occasionally, you'd know what I have in here. I added another note to my mental list; someone else is going to have to mow the lawn. The neighbors would freak if I cranked up the ole John Deere after dark.

  I listened to the ping of numbers punched into the telephone. "Hello, can you please page my niece, Jeni Stech, to the phone?" There was a short pause. "Yes, it's a family emergency."

  JoAnn tapped the stakes on the wall near the door. "You don't have to get anyone to play her stupid cards. She'll be leaving, anyway."

  She tapped a little harder. "Look lady; just call her to the phone! You can keep your darn money!"

  JoAnn let out a sigh while she waited.

  "Jeni, hi, can you and Nanna come home right away? Your mother… she's not…"

  A frustrated sigh.

  "Your mother was… well, in a confrontation, and now she's…."

  My hearing was extraordinary, but I couldn't pick up my daughter's softly spoken side of the conversation.

  "She's not… herself."

  A slight tapping of her foot.

  "No, she's right here in the meat cooler."

  Her foot sounded like a metronome in quarter time.

  "I put her there."

  And I'm going to let her out when the sun comes up.

  "Because she's a zombie and she killed Tootles! I had to bury my baby in the yard, all by myself!"

  A zombie, boy she really needs to read a few more of Resi's books.

  JoAnn let out a long, noisy breath. "I wouldn't have her in the meat cooler if she was really dead, now would I?"

  She huffed in frustration.

  "Not Tootles, your Mom! She's probably drinking deer blood right now as we speak!"

  That did it. I started laughing.

  JoAnn's hand slapped the door. "This is not funny, damn it."

  "Tell her you were going to let me out when the sun comes up and watch me sizzle."

  "I'm not talking to you, Jeni. Your mother is laughing at me. And I'm not going to let you fry in the sun, Susan!" She kicked the door.

  "No, this is not a joke! I'm trying to tell you, damn it. Your mother's a fucking vampire! And she killed my goddamn dog!"

  JoAnn hit the door with something, probably the telephone.

  "No, I am not off my estrogen! And yes, I know I'm cussing! You'd cuss too if you went through what I did tonight, damn it!"

  I threw back my head, closed my eyes and smiled. I could imagine her standing there, hand on her hip, face as red as a tomato.

  "Jennifer, go get Nanna and come home, right now! This is not a joke. You know I don't joke, especially about Tootles being dead."

  The conversation ended abruptly.

  Jeni, at the very least, would think her aunt had lost her mind and come running home to handle it. I smiled in spite of myself. "Are you going to call Resi?" I pleasantly asked, leaning over the bucket. The blood was almost gone. I felt like licking the bucket.

  "Yesssss," JoAnn hissed.

  3

  I heard feet stomping up to the barn and Zaire shouting, "This better not be a joke! I just ripped off the hospital. Resi said she was gonna kick some ass if you guys are screwing with us."

  I'll be damned, she's got blood.

  "I saw the light on in the shed. She's in here, isn't she?" Zaire asked with way too much enthusiasm.

  "In the cooler," JoAnn said. "You don't have to be so happy about this, you know. My sister killed Tootles and her body actually transformed in front of me. If I hadn't seen it with my own eyes, I would never believe any of this."

  "Well open the damn door. I wanna see her, man!"

  "You're not getting the key until the sun comes up! I am not dying so my sister can have a me
al, Zaire!"

  "Aunt JoAnn, I told you the sun won't kill her."

  "And you know this how? Because in the movie I saw, it would," JoAnn huffed.

  I ground my teeth, losing at least a layer of enamel. "I can hear you guys, and I'm not going to bite anybody. Did Zaire bring blood? If she did, what the hell are you gonna do, slide it under the door?"

  JoAnn let out a stressed sigh.

  I listened to them argue in hushed whispers, a low rumble in my chest.

  Finally someone withdrew the padlock and the door swung open.

  "Hoo-ly shit! Oh. My. God!" Zaire laughed. "This is real! This is real! Fuckin'-A! Fuckin'-A! Fuckin'-A!" She bent her knees, slapping her thigh.

  "Get away from the vampire!" JoAnn screeched.

  Zaire pulled her cell phone out of her pocket, shot JoAnn a grin, and snapped a picture of me. "I'm sending this to Resi. She's gonna have a freakin' cow! Damn, you look younger than her." She pushed the send button and punched the metal door at the same time.

  Vanity… The mainstay of our household.

  "I'm anemic. You don't want my blood!" JoAnn shrieked, backing up a few steps.

  I sucked in air through clenched teeth, and turned to Zaire. "What's in the red trash bag?"

  Zaire looked from me to the large red garbage bag in her hands, her beautiful gray eyes twinkling. "Blood! What the hell do you think it is?"

  She still had on her white uniform and it looked stark next to her rich coffee colored skin. Long shagged hair framed a flawless face with full lips that smiled at me.

  My eyes fell to the garbage bag and my fangs slipped from my gums.

  "Your teeth! My God, this is really happening," Zaire exclaimed with way too much white showing around her irises. She grabbed her cell phone again as if it were a double fudge brownie with no calories. "Oh, shit, look at her friggin' fangs!"

  JoAnn hobbled back a few more paces, shaking her head.

  "Yes, it's real," I said, but it came out, 'yeth ith's rllll'.

  Zaire set the bag down beside her and laughed. "You need to practice talking with those babies, Mom."

  I stared at the bag.

  "You look bitchen," Zaire said, snapping another picture. "Your hair is longer, curlier, bright red, and your eyes… your eyes are intense; green with a circle of gold around them. Friggin' awesome. I bet you can kick ass."