Magic and Mayhem: A Collection of 21 Fantasy Novels

by Jasmine Walt

  I took in a deep breath, bit my wrist, licked my lips, and placed my arm in front of Resi's mouth. She latched on like she was made for vampirism.

  "Go get a couple of bags of blood out of the refrigerator," Zaire said, grinning at Jeni and JoAnn. "She'll need more blood than Mom's unless you two are ready?"

  Jeni and JoAnn turned on their heels, heading for the refrigerator.

  Mom didn't. "Why don't we save the blood bags and let her suck on me when she's finished with her mother?"

  "Sure!" Jeni yelled over her shoulder. "Why the heck not? I mean, the more the merrier. I'm hitting the Internet to find out what kills you bitches, because if one of you brings those fangs anywhere near me, I won't hesitate to put you out of your misery."

  I felt Resi grin against my wrist as she slowly drank.

  "Let's give this a few days before we turn anyone else," I said sheepishly.

  "That's the first smart thing you've said all night." JoAnn walked in from the kitchen.

  "This is so wrong," Jeni remarked, as she rounded the counter with three bags of blood in her hands. "You're relying on cheap fiction novels for what comes next and now there are two of you."

  "How do you feel?" Mom grunted in a bent over position, hobbling toward Resi.

  Resi raised an eyebrow, shook her head from side to side with a 'so-so' expression on her face, and kept sucking.

  "I think that's enough," Zaire said. "You're a new vamp, Mom, and I don't-"

  Resi growled, grabbed my arm with two hands and sucked like mad.

  "Ow, ow, and ow! Shit, that hurts! Someone get her the hell off my wrist!" I shouted, one foot on Resi's chest, pushing, my hand yanking a fist full of hair that was growing and changing color rapidly.

  Jeni smiled. "Maybe if we all stand back, they'll kill each other."

  "Suck her dry, Resi!" JoAnn shouted. "Then we can bury her by Tootles."

  "Hey, lookey there, her hair is changing color and it's growing faster than my Chia Pet," Mom commented.

  Jeni passed a bag of blood to Zaire. "And it's red; your favorite color."

  Resi spit out my wrist, her fangs retracted and she pulled her hair in front of her face. "What the hell! Get me the scissors. I'm cutting it off tonight and I'm hitting Wal-Mart later when-"

  "You better buy a case of that Clairol shit." Zaire rolled her eyes. "'Cuz you know it's just gonna grow back." She slapped a bag of blood to Resi's fangs and Resi's eyes hooded as she sucked on it.

  I plopped down on the bench of the picnic table and watched Resi drink, her skin tightening, her chest and waist shrinking, her hair turning a lovely chestnut brown.

  Jeni powered up the computer that sat on the picnic table.

  "Are - you - in - pain?" Mom enunciated each word, one eyebrow at half-mast, her spandex hanging haphazardly around her small frame.

  Resi growled.

  "If that blood doesn't taste good, I have some that's aged to perfection," my mother offered.

  Resi yanked her fangs out of the drained bag and blew her hair out of her face. "I friggin' hate red hair!"

  Jeni, dressed out in a nasty grin, casually said, "But you're as full as a tick."

  Resi pulled at her hair. "Damn it all to hell!"

  Zaire slapped another bag of blood on her mouth. "Be quiet and suck it up. You look great and I can't wait to see the rest of you."

  Resi made a half-smile around the bag.

  "I'd be more worried about where I have to suck blood from later today, instead of what my hair looks like," Jeni told her. "There are only a few bags left. Maybe you and Mom can reduce the rat population around the shed."

  Resi sucked down the blood in seconds flat, yanked her face away, and immediately spat, "Oh, give it up Jeni. Just because you don't give a shit what you look like, doesn't mean we can't."

  "I care what I look like, Resi. I'm just not willing to kill a beloved pet to have less cellulite." Jeni smiled at her.

  Resi curled her lips back.

  "I'd kill the damn dog twice to get a body like that," Mom said.

  God bless us, we sure have the vanity thing down pat.

  "I can't believe you said that," JoAnn whimpered.

  "You should have done me first, anyway," Mom said, ignoring her. "I could die tomorrow, you know. I haven't felt good in a long time. I'm dizzy all the time and I hear voices singing in my head. I get palpitations too." She clutched her chest for dramatic affect.

  Jeni hammered the computer keys.

  "Nanna, you wanted me to be the Guinea Pig, remember? And you're as healthy as a horse. Don't worry, if you look like you're going to kick the bucket, I'll run right over and bite the shit out of you."

  Zaire grinned at Resi. "I'm thinkin' a little wet sex in the shower. Some of that warming oil, maybe the little toy we just got. You up to it?"

  Resi laughed. "You just want to see me naked."

  "Damn right!" Zaire snickered.

  Oh God, now that's a little too much information. "No biting, Resi."

  "Can't promise that, but I won't turn her tonight."

  Zaire fanned out her hands. "I'm not getting any younger, baby."

  "A couple of days won't kill ya." Resi gave Zaire a peck on the cheek. "We can wait, Hon."

  "And God knows, none of you are cursed with self-indulgence," Jeni said, tapping the keys with determination.

  "Are you hungry Susan?" Mom smacked the inside of her arm like a druggie trying to find a vein, pumping her hand into a fist. She held her arm near my face. I could smell the blood pumping slowly through her withered veins. I pushed it away, frowning at her.

  "I think I'm going to make a trip to Saint Charles Church for crosses and holy water," Jeni said.

  JoAnn stared at the crucifix in her hands. "You are not getting mine."

  "I say we starve them. Maybe then one of the little shits will take me up on my offer." Mom craned her neck in my direction, stretching the usually saggy skin into a taut position. "Susan, you-vant… to-suck… my-blood."

  JoAnn stumbled between us like a goalie in front of a soccer net and slapped the cross on my forehead, screaming like a banshee. “Jesus, Jesus, Jesus…"

  Jeni abruptly stopped typing and started laughing.

  "Don't kill her. I ain't made yet!" Mom yelled.

  I slapped JoAnn away and listened for the sizzle. Hearing only laughter, I ran to a small mirror by the couch, shoving my face at it. In the reflection my forehead wasn't tattooed with a cross.

  Jeni huffed and clicked a few more keys on the computer.

  "Well shit," JoAnn said, strutting over to Jeni. She placed the cross on the table.

  I ignored them both, turning to Resi. "Get your shower because you and I should make a food run before the sun comes up. There's plenty of deer out there."

  "I told you, the sun won't hurt you," Zaire said, giving Resi a slap on her firm new ass.

  "Why don't we toss one of you outside in the morning to make sure," Jeni suggested. "I vote for Mommy Dearest."

  "She won't fry, Jeni," Resi stated, as if she were an authority on immortal do's and don'ts. Hell, they'd both been right so far.

  "They just need to be careful how long they stay out during the day. And, of course, they’ll need more blood," Zaire educated us.

  JoAnn and Jeni exchanged a look of trepidation.

  I'm still not going out in the sun anytime soon. "Zaire, can you grab a few more blood bags at work later?" I tried to move the subject to a more palatable one.

  "It'll be a bit tricky, but I'm the one that empties the operating room bins." Zaire yanked Resi toward the downstairs bedrooms. "Let's go sweetie, I need a shower." She wiggled her eyebrows at her.

  JoAnn huffed. "I think you should leave the poor deer alone and, like Jeni suggested, reduce the rat population. I can live with that."

  "I'm not sucking a rodent, Aunt JoAnn. Just keep being a bitch, because your neck is still available. And I'd really enjoy watching you rid the world of rats," Resi yelled over her shoulder as s
he and Zaire headed for the shower.

  6

  We'd just finished taking the tent down after saying a few tense words over Tootles' grave, with JoAnn weeping the whole time. I felt just awful. My fangs kept dropping.

  We sat around the picnic table, half-finished cups of coffee scattered in front of us. I looked down at my cup. It wasn't doing anything for me. I mean, it didn't make me sick or anything. I just didn't enjoy it. I pushed it away.

  It would be light in a couple of hours and I was thinking about sun proofing my bedroom windows before getting some sleep. Funny thing, I wasn't the least bit tired. But I was thirsty again and concerned about what we were going to do when the bags of blood ran out. Zaire couldn't keep ripping off the hospital. Sooner or later, she was going to get caught.

  "I was thinking, we should consider humans as well as animals," I offered, my eyes on JoAnn's throat. "We could find wanted criminals in our area."

  "Oh, no you're not! I am not living with a bunch of cannibals," JoAnn snapped, her infernal eyebrows fighting for the center of her forehead.

  "JoAnn, you idiot, I'm not talking about roasting humans on a spit in the front yard." I was thinking more along the lines of sucking the life right out of her.

  "Mommy Dearest, we have a judicial system," Jeni warned. "They pay educated men and women to sentence criminals, and police officers to apprehend them. Everyone has the right to a trial. You can't go out willy-nilly on a killing spree."

  "Oh, screw that!" Zaire yelled. "I'm up for barbeque. Bring out the spit, dig the pit and bite me, baby. " Zaire smiled at Resi, definitely on the death and destruction bandwagon.

  "I'll grab the honey mustard sauce," Resi chimed in, her eyes fighting mine for a good place on Zaire's neck.

  "This is not funny!" JoAnn whined.

  "JoAnn, you're a blood bubble on the inside of my ass," Mom snapped.

  "We could be like that guy Dexter we watch on Sunday nights - find pedophiles and bad guys." I worked at getting back on point, and tried real hard not to leap at Zaire before Resi did. "Hell, the newspaper prints pictures and last known addresses and it's delivered to our front door every morning."

  "Only second offenders, or worse," Resi sang, adding a bit of assistance. Her hair, fluffed and dried, hung about her face in soft wavy tendrils. She battled it out of her eyes with an exaggerated wave of her hand, tossing her long tresses in Zaire's face.

  Zaire loudly spit out a mouthful.

  I glared at both of them while Resi made air kisses at Zaire, eyes twinkling.

  "You can just suck some of their blood, right? From everything I've read on the Internet, humans don't turn if you just suck a little," Jeni said with a newly educated mind. "I would think all you need is some self-control. Of course, that's a bit of a stretch for you two."

  "Bite me, Jennifer." Resi's fangs poked out of her lined and glossed lips.

  "I think not. You're tainted."

  "I'd bite her if I thought she'd bite me back," Mom added.

  I turned a 'not now' look in Mom's direction, her neck the only one I was not interested in at the moment.

  Jeni frowned at us, her shoulders square, her jaw set. "If you're going to do this, I can't stop you. Anyone who messes with kids is fair game as far as I'm concerned. I'll search the Net to make sure you don't pick a junior high kid who got a blowjob from his girlfriend."

  "Well, if I were a vampire," JoAnn said, "I wouldn't kill anyone, nor would I drink blood."

  Once again, my pain in the ass sister just didn't have a clue.

  "JoAnn, go get Accidental Vampire and read it again, for Christ sake." Resi pointed in the appropriate direction as she sniffed at Zaire's neck. "It's in that basket over there." Zaire pushed her throat closer to Resi's lips, wiggling an eyebrow.

  I growled, Resi moved her salivating mouth away.

  JoAnn glared at the book in question. "Oh, for the love of God, this is all so crazy. You're talking about killing people, for heaven's sake. Can't you find a way to do this like human beings?"

  Bats in the belfry.

  Mom waved her remarks away with an age-spotted hand.

  "We can all be vampires by next weekend." I licked my lips, my eyes now glued to JoAnn's neck.

  "I'll hit the emergency room up for more blood tonight. Then, it's my turn," Zaire shot Resi a big smile. Resi looked up at her, a small string of drool running down her chin.

  "I guess I'll read all those books," JoAnn said with a sigh. "There must be a way to do this without all the blood stuff."

  JoAnn clearly did not see the whole picture.

  "Two down and four to go," Resi said, her nose back in Zaire's neck.

  "Have you lost your math skills along with your mortal blood?" Jeni asked. "I am not dying any time soon."

  Resi whipped her eyes in Jeni's direction, fangs retracting. "So how'd the Internet research go? You figure out a way to stop us?"

  "Don't test me Resi," Jeni spat. "I know the blowtorch is in the garage."

  JoAnn's face jerked in the direction of the garage.

  Christ, I forgot about that. I made a mental note to move it to the shed. "That's enough. I think we all agree, no one is getting turned that doesn't want to be. She's just yanking your chain, Jeni."

  Mom was bent over the basket of fantasy books. "I've already read most of these. The ones filled with sex are the best." Mom grinned wickedly. "And if I can do all the stuff in these books, it's bye-bye dentures, so long Depends. I'm a dead-woman-fornicating."

  I grimaced, thinking of my mother's legs wrapped around anyone.

  "You'll all be blood suckers soon enough. Remember, patience is a virtue." Jeni frowned at her grandmother.

  "I'm not interested in being virtuous," Mom said stubbornly.

  I left them arguing and headed up to my bedroom, strung some old blankets over anything that would let light into the room, and dragged my huge dresser in front of my locked bedroom door. I really didn't think JoAnn or Jeni would try to kill me, but I wasn't taking any chances. I crawled under the covers and quickly fell into the deep slumber of the undead.

  Twelve hours later, the sun sinking behind the horizon on the other side of the lake, I headed back down to find out what everyone had been up to all day.

  Jeni shut the computer as I walked into the kitchen. "Well, we searched the internet for pedophile candidates. So far we have two possible prospects."

  "Yeah, and we're in the process of tracking them down," JoAnn added.

  I froze. "So you guys are onboard with all of this?" Way too easy. Something's up. My eyes darted around the room looking for the blowtorch.

  "Do we have a choice?" Jeni asked, and when I didn't answer she added, "I didn't think so."

  JoAnn smiled. "But at least we can control who you-"

  "In the meantime," Jeni interrupted, holding up computer print-outs, "I think, but I'm not sure, because this is all supposed to be fantasy, you may be able to drink without killing someone. I suggest you practice with the animals on the property first."

  "Yeah, you may not like killing," JoAnn piped up. "I mean, you should at least try not to, anyway."

  "Okay, so where's Resi? Did you tell her all this?" I was a bit concerned she hadn't protected herself from them.

  "Zaire ripped off another trash bag full of half-used blood," Jeni said. "She put it in the refrigerator and then ran downstairs to wake Resi right after she informed us she'd quit her job."

  An hour later we were sitting around the living room, waiting for the girls to come up, perusing a few of the fantasy books.

  "When I die, I'm going to get laid," Mom said. "Yep, I'm gonna par-ty til' I walk like a bow-legged cowgirl on hot pavement. Where's that yoga video? I need to work on getting my ankles behind my ears." Mom pulled her spandex out of her ass and looked at my sister with an audacious grin.

  "You sound like a truck-stop floozy." JoAnn kicked her Nike clad feet up on the coffee table and crossed them. Her crew socks were scrunched down around each ankle wit
h a matching fold on top that wasn't a smidgen off. "You know, now-a-days there's a lot of sexually transmitted diseases out there. You could get crotch rot."

  I stared at the pressed creases of her tan shorts - her crisp green t-shirt, sleeves creased with an edge sharp enough to slice through meat - tucked neatly into her shorts. I wanted to ruffle her perfectly coifed hair.

  JoAnn highlighted a line in Dead Witch Walking, and placed it on the couch next to Jeni, picking up another book.

  "Are you actually reading those books or are you just making colorful little marks on the pages?" Mom tossed Vampire Interrupted on the coffee table by JoAnn's feet and headed for the kitchen. "Vampires don't get sick, you bischero! You definitely take after your father's side of the family."

  "Where does it say that?" JoAnn shuffled through the pages of Renfield, Slave of Dracula.

  We heard the clink of glasses, the glug, glug, glug of something liquid pouring and then a grating scrape of glass against wood. Mom strolled back into the living room with four fingers of brown liquid in an old grape jelly jar. She took a sip, smacked her lips and let out a soft sigh.

  "What are you drinking, Nan?" Jeni lifted her head from Dead Until Dark. She turned a small triangle of page over and closed the book, laying her colored markers on the table beside her chair.

  "Some of the stuff Susan made for me. It tastes like Kahlua, and it makes me relax." Mom took another lip-smacking sip.

  "Umm, good for you." Jeni picked up Every Which Way but Dead.

  "That's because it's made with 100% grain alcohol, Mom," I said. "Go easy on that stuff or you'll fall down the stairs on your way to bed tonight." I studied JoAnn's throat as she leafed through her novel.

  "I only have one, maybe two-a-day, tops. It helps me sleep, Susan."

  A loud crash came from the girl's room downstairs and we all jumped to attention, books scattering on the floor.

  "All of you stay right here until I see what's going on." Did they listen? Hell no. They huddled at the top of the stairs.

  At the bedroom door, I was greeted by the tinkle of breaking glass. "Zaire, you ok? Resi, what the hell are you doing?"

  "I could use a little help in here, Mom!" Resi screeched from inside.