Lila Blue

by Annie Katz

  Dear Mother, I hope you are well and happy and finding a job you love. I thought of you when I saw these books, because you love art galleries so much. I hope you enjoy them.

  Please let me stay here for seventh grade. It's a small school, K-8, and I'll be riding the bus with my friend Molly who is ten years old. I think it will be the best way for me to take good care of myself and give you the time and space to take good care of yourself.

  I love you. I believe in you. I don't want you to worry about me at all. I am healthy, happy, and safe here. Please let me stay. Come visit us as soon as you can and see for yourself what a nice small town this is. Love, Sandy

  I felt good about sealing the last version of my letter in an envelope for Lila to take to mail with the books on her way to work. In it I was honest, sober, and brave. I kissed the envelope and prayed to Dream Mother that my flesh and blood mother would find a way to be as happy as I was.

  After Lila left for work, I went back to bed. I had cramps and the flow of blood was heavier than it ever had been. I hoped it was just a one-time thing, not a regular monthly ordeal I would have to endure.

  Lila said every woman has to discover for herself what works. She said coffee and other caffeine drinks help relieve cramps for some people. Others found relief with hot baths or heating pads on the back or belly. She found a heating pad in her closet and taught me how to use it. "Careful the kitty girls don't dig their claws into it," she said. "They'll try to steal it from you because they love the heat, but I don't let them sleep on it because it's not good for their skin."

  For other women exercise works, even strenuous exercise for some, like running or a hard workout at the gym. "You'll find out what works best for you. There's aspirin in the medicine cabinet, which helps some people, so try that if nothing else seems to help."

  "Okay," I said, crawling back in bed.

  "I used to like hot showers," she said, "and hot tea and lots of naps and good books to read. Call me if you think of something you want me to pick up at the store for you."

  "Thanks, Grandma. I think right now a nap sounds good, and maybe I will try the heating pad."

  She brought the pad and got it all plugged in and situated, and then she kissed my forehead and said, "Sweet dreams, beautiful dreamer."

  "Thank you, Grandma," I said, and I felt so emotional I had to stifle back tears.

  She smiled and left for the post office and work. Chloe and Zoe came and got in bed with me, and I went to sleep before I even turned on the heating pad. When I woke up, the cats were still snoozing on my bed. I still had cramps, but not as bad.

  I couldn't go back to sleep, so I got up and took a hot shower, and that helped even more. I felt pretty good after that. Maybe I'd discovered how to get through the rough times, and it wasn't all that bad, really.

  I didn't want to go out on the beach, though, because it looked windy, wet, and cold. It wasn't raining, but it was very cloudy, almost misty, and I wanted to stay inside. I found the afghan I had started making before Mark and Jamie came. After a few awkward rows, I was back into the rhythm of knitting and purling while I watched the waves go back and forth on the beach. I was into a nice relaxed lazy state when the phone rang. I jumped so hard I dropped the knitting on the floor.

  It was Mark, and I was happy to hear his voice. "How is your foot?" I asked.

  "It hurts," he said, "but the physical therapist said it's a good hurt not a bad hurt."

  "You don't sound convinced," I said.

  "Have you ever had physical therapy?" he asked me.

  "No. I've never broken anything."

  "Well, don't," he said. "This lady is young and pretty, but she tortures. She makes lots of money torturing me and other jocks dumb enough to get hurt. She's sadistic."

  "She enjoys causing pain?"

  "Yes. I mean it. She's happy because she really digs hurting people. She has the perfect job."

  "That sounds awful," I said. "I'm sorry."

  "You didn't do anything," he said. "I'll live."

  "How's Jamie?" I asked.

  "He's great. He's back on his dog walking routine, and he has two new customers. Rich sat him down and gave him the old man to man about how to manage his work schedule and his finances. Rich wanted him to charge more and work less, but Jamie loves all the dogs and wants to spend as much time with them as he can."

  "So now he's charging more and working more?" I asked.

  "That's right," Mark said. "And how are you, Cassandra?"

  "I'm good," I said, surprised by his question. "I'm fine. I'm a little worried about my mom. She's going through a rough time now."

  "Yea," he said. "Do you have to go back to California to help her?"

  "I hope not. I want to stay here for the school year."

  He didn't respond right away, and I imagined I'd said the wrong thing or too much. "Mark?" I asked.

  "Oh, sorry," he said. "I was just thinking I don't know anything about you, really."

  "I'm just learning about me, too, so don't feel bad," I said, trying to make light of it.

  The conversation was awkward after that, so we tried to wrap it up. Before we said goodbye, Mark said, "Oh, the reason I called is I wanted to ask Grandma if she would send those books from my headboard in the Nest. I keep the ones there I want to read next. I'm out of my mind bored. There's only so much TV a person can stand."

  "Okay, I'll let her know. She'll be home around six. You want me to have her call then?"

  "Anytime," he said. "I'm not going anywhere."

  I laughed a little, but it made me sad. "Thanks for asking about me," I said.

  "Well, we're stuck with each other, so we might as well figure out if we could be friends," he said.

  "Good idea," I said.

  "I'll tell Jamie," he said. "He's the one who suggested it."

  So after dinner that night Lila and I packed another book box, this one for Mark. When we were done, Lila said, "Good. Now we have some empty shelf space. Next time you're at Marge's store, see if you find any books you want to bring home."

  That sounded good to me. Actually I did have my eye on a book about learning pretty handwriting, kind of a modern calligraphy stylebook with practice pages that looked like fun. I got the idea from the calligraphy signs on the bins at The Salty Dog. Kim lettered them all by hand, and she said it was easy and fun if you were patient enough to practice. I told Lila about the calligraphy book, and she said we could get it the next day.

  Shelly and her mom were coming on Friday night, and I was excited about seeing them, but I needed something to do besides knitting, reading mysteries, wearing out my dictionaries, and filling up my journal.

  "You're feeling better," Lila said.

  At first I didn't know what she meant, and then I realized I'd been feeling fine. "Yes, Grandma, you were right. The nap and hot shower worked this time. I feel well. I don't really want to go anywhere though. Is hibernation part of it?"

  "Yes, in fact, it is. In many cultures, women choose to seclude themselves during their moon time, or in some cases they were forbidden to come out of their homes or have any contact with men. Seclusion can be a good thing, because it helps the body rest and the spirit replenish itself."

  "I think I might hibernate again tomorrow, if that's okay," I said.

  "Whatever you think is best, Cassandra," Lila said. "I trust you and your Dream Mother to take good care of you."

  The next morning I called Molly, and she was eager for an errand, so she brought me the calligraphy book and we started practicing together up at the big table in the Crow's Nest. The book had four modern lettering styles, and we finally decided which one we liked the best, so we'd both be working on the same page. We didn't have the right kind of pens, though. The book showed you needed special ones. We decided to use pencils until we could get to an art supply store. At least we could get the shape of the letters right.

  Molly had to get back in time to feed her family lunch. They all depended on her to know whe
n they were hungry. That worked out fine for me. After practicing forming letters for an hour, my hand was sore. Lila gave Molly a ride back to the village. It was drizzling rain, and after they left I crawled back in bed for a nap.

  If my seventh grade teacher made us write a What I Did This Summer essay, mine would be so long it would take me all year to write it. Even the high points would be ten pages, and I was only halfway through vacation so far. Amazing how time shrinks and stretches and disappears altogether. I sank into a sweet deep sleep where beautiful letters danced, flew, sang, and joined themselves into elegant words and the names of everyone I loved.

  Exotic Friends

  Shelly and her mother Radha arrived Friday night and checked into the resort where Jamie and Mark had stayed. They'd eaten dinner in Portland, so as soon as Shelly called, I went to join her in the pool. Radha chose to take a hot bath and rest in their room, and Lila was working on an essay for the paper, so she stayed home.

  It had been two months since I'd seen Shelly and she'd really changed. She was wearing her hair shorter, in an asymmetrical cut that made her look older, taller, and smarter somehow, and she was of course very tan from all the time at the lake. Her skin was the most beautiful color to begin with, and with all the sun she looked like a shiny chocolate goddess.

  She loved my braids. She thought they made me look taller and more grownup, and she said my freckles were darker, but I think she was wrong about that. We hugged and giggled and held hands like children. We played Dolphinese and raced underwater and took turns diving off the board. There were some older kids in the pool, and a couple of young ones with a nanny at the shallow end, but they gave us plenty of space to do what we liked. It was wonderful being with her again.

  When we'd worn ourselves out racing, we got out and plopped on the lounge chairs to catch our breath. That's when she told me.

  "I was going to wait until just before we leave, but I can't," she said.

  I looked at her. "What?"

  "We're moving," she said. "They've already bought a house."

  "Where?"

  "Boston."

  "Boston, Massachusetts?"

  "Yes, Boston. I'm enrolled in a girls' school there."

  "Shelly!"

  "I'm sorry," she said. "But it's a good school, and I thought about what you said in your letter, and it would be nice to be around just females for a while. I'm so tired of boys looking at my body instead of seeing me."

  "Me too," I said.

  "Boys are bothering you too? I thought you said you hadn't met any boys here."

  "Not boys. I mean I'm moving, too. I hope so, anyway. I hope I'm staying here for seventh grade."

  "Oh, wow, and I was so worried about you being there all alone."

  "It's not certain," I said. "In fact it's just a wish, but I feel it will work out. Especially now that you'll be gone. There's nothing there for me."

  "Is your mom moving here? She doesn't seem the Oregon type."

  "You're right. She's not. We hope she comes for a visit."

  "She's still drinking."

  "Worse," I said. "She's lost her job and wrecked her car. I'm worried about her, but I had a dream telling me I couldn't help. The best thing I can do for her is take care of myself."

  "You've always been good at that," she said.

  "Wow," she said. "I'm glad I told you. Now I don't have to try to find the perfect time to tell you."

  "Lila says 'Tell the truth as fast as you can.'"

  "It worked this time," Shelly said.

  "So is there anything else you need to tell me?" I asked, partly joking but serious too.

  "I have a boyfriend," she said.

  "No!" I screamed, louder than I wanted to, and we turned to see everyone in the pool looking our way.

  "It's okay," Shelly said, waving to everyone. "She's just happy for me."

  They all went back to making their own noise in the pool.

  "Tell me," I said. "He better be good. After all the guys standing in line for you, he better be the best of the best."

  "Okay," she said, and she told me all about Ian, a boy from Germany staying with his relatives at the lake. Tall, blonde, and smart, of course, but different from the rest, it seemed. He was fifteen and was studying archeology and ancient civilizations. He sounded like a true scholar, but he also played soccer, so he wasn't just a bookworm.

  "Where does he go to school?" I asked, wondering if he had anything to do with Shelly being in Boston all of a sudden.

  "London," she said. "A private school there."

  "Well, at least Boston is closer than California," I said, relieved that they wouldn't be in the same town. I didn't want Shelly to grow up too fast, and she sounded serious about this one.

  "My dad has business in London a couple of times a year," she said, "plus there's next summer, if he still likes me."

  "If you still like him," I said, alarmed to hear her talking that way.

  She smiled at me. "You'd like him too. He's not a guy."

  It was our way of saying he was smart and thoughtful and could carry on an intelligent conversation, more like a girl than a guy.

  "I believe you," I said, realizing I was jealous.

  "It won't be the same," she said.

  "Nothing ever stays the same," I said, laughing at myself because I sounded like Lila.

  We went back and swam speed laps until we'd completely worn ourselves out. Then she went back to join her mom in their room, and I walked home. We'd arranged to have brunch at our house the next morning, so I could sleep on Shelly's news before we were together again.

  For brunch, I made biscuits, and Lila made her special sour cream omelets served with crisp bacon, sliced avocado, sautéed mushrooms, and stir-fried veggies. We had a big platter of fresh fruit, and of course coffee.

  Everything was beautifully arranged on a lace tablecloth in the kitchen, and we sat with the glorious beach view and enjoyed every bite. Shelly couldn't believe I'd made the biscuits from scratch. Radha praised everything, and I was very proud of my grandma and me. We had a lovely life. We all worked together to clean the kitchen after we ate, and then we moved into the living room.

  Radha noticed Lila's Quan Yin incense holder on the fireplace mantel, along with pictures of Jesus, Mary, Buddha, and various other saints and deities from all over the world. They started talking about Radha's favorite god, Ganesha, the Elephant God, Remover of Obstacles. Lila had a little picture of his face on her mantel altar along with the others.

  Radha told us about a yearly festival when she was a child in Southern India where they would decorate elephants with so many wreaths of flowers the elephants could barely see where they were going. There would be a parade with chanting, incense, and dancing, and then all the children fed the elephants special foods.

  "I had an altar to Ganesha all the way through college in Chicago," she said. "My roommates teased me, but right before exams everyone stopped by with little offerings to my elephant god."

  "Any port in a storm," Lila said.

  Radha laughed and said, "The more exotic, the better!"

  "Most of us in this country only learned about that stern old white man god," Lila said. "You can't blame us for wanting to see what the rest of the world is like."

  "Yes, I was lucky,” Radha said. “I didn't learn much about Jehovah until I was in college. I couldn't understand why people would worship such a vindictive god. Jesus was sweet, but he let people crucify him. Give me Shiva, the Destroyer, or Lakshmi, the Goddess of Wealth. Much more exciting deities."

  "You were lucky," Lila said. "I didn't discover them until I got so disgusted with holier-than-thou preachers that I was driven to find other belief systems besides the Judeo/Christian ones. I started with Native American creation stories, and those led me to Egypt, Africa, India, and Asia. So much to learn!"

  "Did you study religions in college?" Radha asked Lila.

  Lila laughed. "I didn't go," she said.

  "Self taught indepen
dent thinker," Radha said, nodding. "You didn't have to sort through as much garbage as college girls to find the jewels of wisdom."

  "I've sorted through plenty," Lila said, and they both laughed.

  Then Lila said, "Radha is one of my favorite names for God. How does it feel to be named after her?"

  "In Indian culture, it is very common. Half the boys in school are named Krishna."

  "Like all the bible names in America," Lila said. "Mary, James, John. I'm named after the old testament Delilah, one of the few women mentioned by name."

  "The notorious one. Wonderful," Radha said. "Delilah who cut Sampson's hair."

  "I thought about calling my business Delilah's Barbershop, but I knew I'd get tired of the joke before everyone else would." Lila moved Chloe and Zoe from the middle of the couch so she and Radha would have room to sit down.

  Shelly and I left them sitting there discussing philosophy while I gave Shelly a tour of the house. First I showed her my room, which she loved, especially the bright rainbow quilt on the wall.

  "That's what I need for my dorm room at school," she said.

  "You're living at school?"

  "My folks got a townhouse in Boston, but they won't be there much. I'll try boarding the first semester. Most students board."

  "I can't imagine classes without you," I said, and tears started running down my face.

  "I can't imagine school without boys," she said, and I laughed.

  We both sat on my bed and stared at the quilt until it started pulsating rainbow rings of color. Then we fell back and closed our eyes and talked about the after images playing on our brain screens, blocks of colored lights that danced around more than the quilt squares had. When those disappeared, we sat up again.

  Shelly spied the elegant journal she'd given me on my bedside table. The journal was stacked on top of my beloved hardcover dictionary and the calligraphy workbook. A person could tell a lot about me by the books near my bed.

  "You're using it," she said, stroking the brocade fabric cover.

  "Almost every day now," I said. "Lila's helping me understand my dreams, so I write those, and my delicious dictionary words, and now calligraphy." I showed her the last page where I'd perfected my new signature, Cassandra Blue.