Forever Love

  He exhales loudly and stops walking, turning toward me. He forces a smile.

  “There was always this moment when we would be together in your room… when the moon was hanging on… afraid to let go of the night and allow the harshness of the sun to take over. And you would look up at me and I’d see a glimpse of what we were. What we used to be before we lived our lives in the blue-lit mornings. It kept me there, just like the moon, afraid to let go of you completely. It kept me coming back because if I saw it then, it was still there.”

  It’s what I needed to hear. There may be hope for us. “I can’t tell you how thankful I was when you would text me.”

  He gives my shoulder a squeeze and I’m nervous for when we leave this beach. I’m nervous, there’s that temptation and I know what that means. I’m having my doubts about this. It’s easy here because I’m surrounded by support. But then what?

  “Do you think I can stay clean?”

  “Yeah,” he says and it’s long and drawn out, like it’s meant to make me think. “Tell me…” he says softly into my hair. “If you are, I want to hear you say it.”

  “I’m going to get help.” I tell him, feeling good about saying it out loud. “My reasons for being the way I am were never my reasons. They were excuses. The truth is… I’m scared. I’m scared that if I’m happy, I’m forgetting what I caused. What I did. Because of that I felt like being happy would be as if I was forgetting.”

  “There’s absolutely nothing wrong with being happy.”

  “I know that now.”

  “I’ve never told you this. I thought for a while I never would. Thought about throwing it away in this very ocean. That night…” he pauses and I think he’s going to talk about Steven. He reaches inside his hoodie and pulls out a ring. A ring. “I was going to propose to you. On this beach.” Tears sting my eyes instantly as I feel a rush of blood flood into my cheeks. “I know we’re nowhere near me putting this ring on your finger. But the thing is,” he holds it up so I can see it. It’s dark out so all I see is a diamond. One I know an eighteen-year-old boy would have had to save for. “I can’t give you forever until you know you’re worth forever. Someday… I will place this on your finger and promise you that forever you deserve. And it’s gonna stay there… forever.”

  I can barely control my crying. It’s bordering on hysterical when he gives an emotional chuckle and pulls me into his arms. I feel like sinking to my knees at the thought that he wanted to propose to me that night. I would have said yes. And now I feel like I’ve ruined that.

  “I’m sorry, Cash. For everything.”

  “What is it that you want?” He asks, his voice uneven as if he’s nearing tears too. “Do you even know?”

  For a second, I know he wants to kiss me. He doesn’t. “I know I want you.”

  He nods and then pulls back, his hands cupping my cheeks. “What part?”

  I sigh, smiling. “All of you.”

  He smiles.

  Just smiles.

  “There’s a soul-shattering love that most don’t believe in. That’s the love that makes people bad. It makes them sacrifice what most won’t. Makes them deny they’re even in love in the first place. It wrecks their lives and tests their souls.” He’s watching my reaction to his words, his eyes never leaving mine. “You can run from it, pretend it’s not really there but in the end, if it’s worth it, you’ll fight for it. You’d even die for it because deep down, in that shattered soul, you can’t seem to believe in anyone. But I love you. That’s the only truth in your life, Madison.”

  Though the words may have seemed harsh, they weren’t meant to be by any means. They were exactly what I needed to hear. I understood exactly what he meant. Exactly. I believed I would never be happy again because I didn’t deserve to be. But I had this love. Right in front of me all this time.

  I want to kiss him.

  I don’t.

  He smiles, again. “Hey, Mad?”

  My heart beats a little faster. “Yeah?”

  His eyes drop from mine to the ground. “I dropped the ring.”

  We spend the next two hours looking for it only to find it in his pocket. “I thought you said you dropped it?”

  His arms wrap around me pulling me into his chest. “I did. But I found it and then I didn’t want it to end. You were on your hands and knees.” He throws his head back and laughs. “Distracted me.” I try to punch him in the stomach but he grabs me and tackles me into the cold wet sand.

  As we lay there on the beach, which is so cold I can barely feel my toes, I feel like despite everything being up in the air, emotionally, though Cash doesn’t want to, he’s holding on now and showing me his soul, a part I constantly turned away from for years.

  December 16, 2013

  When I get back to campus I feel like a completely different person. I take all my finals, feel like I failed.

  We’re on winter break so I don’t stay long. Just long enough that I meet up with my counselor and talk to her about those substance abuse classes she’s been pushing me to take.

  It’s the right step.

  I know not everything can be mended and it won’t happen overnight. Just like staying clean. It doesn’t happen overnight. Just because I feel good today doesn’t mean tomorrow I won’t have something that makes me want it. Deep down, just coming here I want to get high.

  I want the numbness.

  I want the high.

  But I also want the light.

  Fuck darkness. I can’t handle it any longer. I’m tired. I’m drained but I’m also tired of feeling like this.

  I stare at a lime green wall as she speaks. I want a drink. I want an entire bottle.

  “You’ve made the right decision, Madison.” Mrs. Riech says handing me several pamphlets on classes the school provides and another one on a place called Serenity Lane. “This program is great and offers outpatient care as well. I suggest you try it in addition to the classes.”

  I nod, not saying much as I head for the door.

  The grounds blinding when I step outside, a fresh coat of snow covers the sidewalks and grass. Pulling my hood up, I reach down and zip my jacket before exiting the covered walkway.

  My feet crunch on the snow as I walk and then I hear more crunching. Turning around, dark eyes and inked skin meet mine. He’s wearing a black hoodie like usual and a light gray jacket over that with a black beanie pulled down low just above his eyebrows. His thick black hair sticks out from under it and I watch him over my shoulder, but I keep walking as does he.

  “Hey, Jay.”

  He nods. Says nothing.

  I continue walking, my heart pounding in my chest so hard I feel like I’m having a heart attack. I want to run from him.

  When I get to my dorm, I stop. He’s followed me the entire way.

  I turn and face him. “See ya.”

  He takes a step toward me and lights a cigarette. I wait, confused as he leans into the door keeping me from opening it, his shoulder pressed against the glass. “Need anything?”

  Normally he never had to ask. Now he’s smiling because he knows what my answer is going to be by the papers in my hand. He sees them.

  “I’m good.”

  I know this is the end when he gives me a nod, his eyebrow raised in suspicion. His right hand holding his cigarette raises as he draws in a breath and then holds it before letting the smoke blow out in a breathy chuckle. He’s amused.

  I reach for the door again and he shifts away allowing me to open it, then watches me step inside. “See you around, Madison.”

  I know exactly what that means.

  He’ll be watching me.

  I’m not proud of what I did. My parents would be ashamed of me if they knew I gave my body for drugs. And my sister would be disgusted if she knew the extent in which I went to get them. Not just that I did things to Jay for them, but how degrading it all was.

  Cash would kill Jay if he knew what really happened behind those closed doors on the dirty wood floors.<
br />
  Walking away from that is easy. No question.

  Staying away is harder because when I was on that shit, I felt like nothing mattered. It’s exactly why I did it.

  December 18, 2013

  Two days later I meet up with Alexa and Macy back home in Canby. I tell them about Serenity Lane and that I’m going to check it out. They both smile.

  Alexa’s talking about returning to school come January. Macy’s talking about Cash forcing her to sing.

  I haven’t heard from him lately, other than a couple text messages. He’s been busy practicing for the bowl game next week against the Longhorns in San Antonio.

  “So you’re going to actually sing at the bowl game?” Alexa asks Macy.

  Macy frowns, her cheeks flushing. “I said I would but I’m so nervous I feel like I’m going to puke every time I think about it. There’s something like sixty-thousand people at that game.”

  “Can you imagine Landon’s face when he sees that?” Alexa asks Macy.

  The glow Macy gets tells me she has. “He’s not playing in the bowl game.”

  “He’s still going though, isn’t he?” I ask taking a bite from my pizza I haven’t bothered to touch. Food is disgusting to me these days. It’s not what my body wants but I’m trying.

  “I’m not sure if he is or not.” Macy looks at me.

  I hold my hands up. “I haven’t talked to him about it. Not sure if he would or not.”

  “Are you going?” Macy ask pushing her own half-eaten pizza aside.

  “Me?” I point to myself.

  “Yeah.”

  “Uh,” I laugh. “It’s in Texas, Macy. I can’t go there.”

  “So? Why not?”

  “I can’t afford to go.” I want to go because I haven’t been to a live game since that championship game in high school. There’s no way I could afford a plane ticket at the last minute.

  Macy’s eyes light up like she has a plan. “Let me worry about that. We should all go together.”

  Alexa shakes her head. “I’m staying here. I’m actually leaving here soon with the Griffin family. I’m spending the holidays with them before I return to school. But you two should go support the boys. They’d love that.” Alexa’s phone rings, it’s Jackie so she stands. “Tell the boys Merry Christmas for me and good luck.”

  You would have never thought this girl tried to kill herself a few weeks ago. Never. The color of her hair is more vibrant, her skin is nice and pink. She looks great.

  “I think Steven brainwashed her in her sleep.” I tell Macy when she drinks her ice water. “It’s totally something he would do too.”

  “I was just thinking the same thing.” Macy leans forward. “I think you should go with me and surprise Cash.”

  “Macy… we’re not together like that. We talked and we’re good but I haven’t actually seen him since we left the beach.”

  She waves me off. “Doesn’t matter. You need to do this. He needs you there.”

  She’s right. I do.

  Macy watches me as I buy her dinner. It feels good to do that. “So you’re going to rehab?” She asks when we get in the car to head back to the house where mom is forcing us to watch Christmas Vacation with her tonight.

  I know by my physical appearance and irritability, everyone around me knows I’m going through withdrawals. You can only hide it so much but Macy knows.

  “Yeah. I’m taking drug and alcohol classes after winter break and then going to go see about Serenity Lane. I hear they have a good outpatient program.”

  “Do you think you can stay away from it?”

  A heavy question for sure.

  I look out at the snow covering the windshield. “I hope I can. I’ve done good. It’s not easy. I’m… craving it… yeah. But I hate being hung over. I hate when that high wears off. I hate that after feeling when my body goes through the withdrawals. I don’t like throwing up and the nightmares…” I shiver thinking about how they plague my sleep.

  Macy’s clearly shocked by my reveal and how open I just was with her. It’s the only way I can be now. If I want her to be my friend again, she needs to know all of this.

  December 25, 2013

  My parents have always known I’ve had a problem. They’ve tried to make a difference. Be there for me but never given me money to support my habits. Never.

  I can’t say I blame them.

  I’ve never asked them for anything either.

  It’s a little weird when my mom handed me a round trip ticket to San Antonio. I wasn’t sure what to think of it.

  “Thank you.” I say, wrapping my arms around my mom’s neck, and then my dad’s.

  Dad winks and then makes his way into the kitchen where my grandparents and a few of my aunts are gathered leaving me with my mom.

  She smiles, much like Jackie. You’d think she’d be pissed at me.

  You’d think.

  She’s none of that and it’s worse, sends my nerves flying and on edge. I want her to be angry with me like Cash is, or was. I want her to be pissed that I’ve been killing myself slowly right in front of her.

  All I get is a reassuring smile.

  My heart sinks when she speaks. “I want you to go to Serenity Lane. It’s not a request Madison, it’s a demand. I will not let you do this to yourself anymore.”

  There it is.

  Finally.

  Tears sting my eyes, I swallow and stare at the plane ticket. “I’m sorry.” I say, feeling like I’ve said it so much lately I’m not sure it even holds meaning any longer.

  “I know you are.” Her hands cup my cheeks. “Do this for you, but also,” she gestures to Macy sipping on hot chocolate and teaching our grandmother how to make the perfect eggnog with whiskey. “For her. She misses you more than you realize.”

  I stand there for a moment and watch her, wishing she would have made an attempt years ago. It’s not all on me and I know that, she could have talked to me back then.

  By no means is me turning to drugs her fault, but I do wish she would have said something.

  Making my way into the kitchen, I have Macy make me a cup of hot chocolate, though I desperately want that bottle of whiskey. I think about taking it to my room. No one would really know.

  But then I think of him.

  And my heart beats. It keeps me from reaching for it when I hear the words, “You’ve broken me.”

  I never want to break anything ever again.

  Macy sees me, smiles, and looks at the ticket. “It’s going to be fun.”

  I nod. I know it will be.

  For so long I spent Christmas either at the dorm or around campus, until they kicked me out. I would make every excuse imaginable not to come home in fear of what was here waiting for me. You know what was there?

  Unconditional love.

  Parents willing to love their daughter. Friends willing to forgive.

  As I stare at the Christmas tree, plane ticket to Texas from my parents in my hand and my phone in the other. That’s when I decided to send him a text.

  Merry Christmas.

  It’s ten minutes later and what I get back makes me laugh out loud, something I haven’t done in a while. It’s a selfie of Cash and his baby sister Bentley. They both have cheesy grins, Cash has a bow on top of his head and Bentley is covered in what looks to be candy cane crumbles all around her mouth. I read the line below it and get teary-eyed.

  Remember to smile.

  Though it’s hard to remember to smile, I realize just how much I have to smile about.

  December 26, 2013

  3 AM

  Can I come over?

  That’s the message I type out and then stare at it. Shaking my head, I delete it. No way I’m telling her that because I don’t want her to get the impression that I’m looking for that. It’s Christmas.

  Technically, it’s not Christmas any longer.

  Doesn’t matter.

  Don’t send that, jackass. She’s going to think you just want to have sex and then you
’re right back to where you were.

  Just as I lay back down, my phone beeps and I panic slightly thinking I didn’t delete the message and sent it. Thankfully it’s one from her.

  Can I come over? I need to talk to you.

  Yeah, it’s three AM but she knows I’m up and I know she is. So I reply with: Yeah, come over.

  I hear her car pull up and sneak downstairs to open the door so she doesn’t wake Bentley by knocking. I open the door and she’s crying.

  I take her upstairs to my room and then pull her onto my bed where she sits cross-legged. “What’s wrong, Mad? Talk to me.”

  She looks better than she did even a week ago but it’s clear this doesn’t go away overnight. This may take years

  I want her to feel like she can without thinking I’m going to judge her.

  She does. And she breaks. Right before my eyes my girl breaks down.

  “Everything is wrong, Cash. I’m home and everything feels right. I’m just scared. I want a drink. I want a fucking hit. I want sleep without nightmares. What if I can’t do this? Then I’ll let everyone down. I can’t make sense of anything. Sometimes we need help. I finally understand that. I’m signing up for this outpatient rehab after the first of the year.”

  I look at her, there’s a certain amount of hurt behind the look I’m giving her that she couldn’t see before. It hurts because I see how much she’s struggling. I know she’s doing it for herself but there’s a part of her that’s doing it for everyone else too. “I think the people who eventually admit they need help are the ones who truly do and who actually get it.”

  “I’ve never asked you for anything, Cash. I’ve never asked you to trust me. And I need you to right now. I need you to give me a chance to do right by you.”

  “Madison…” I cup her cheek hoping she senses the sincerity behind my words. “You have to do this for yourself. It’s going to be hard, Mad, but I know you can do it.” I say, kissing her forehead, this time our blue-lit morning so different from every other time.

  She sighs, her head against my chest now. My arms wrap around her pulling her tighter feeling her body tremble against mine. “But I have to know that you trust me.”