Forever Love

by Chelsea Landon

  When I finish, Landon is breathing hard and his body starts to shake. “You took pills last night?”

  I guess he did hear me say that part. “Yeah, whoever that guy that Madison deals with thought I was her, I guess.”

  “Stay the fuck away from Jay, Macy. I fucking mean it.” Landon sits up abruptly. “He’s bad news.”

  I cover my naked body with my sheet. “But not bad enough for you and Madison?”

  Landon picks up his jeans off the floor and puts one leg into them. He glances over at me with rage in his blues. They’re so dark when he’s pissed. He reaches down and picks up his shirt and tugs it over his head.

  “Stay the fuck away from him, Macy.” Landon seethes.

  “But---”

  “But nothing, I’m not fucking around.” He reaches for his sneakers not even bothering to put them on before stomping over to the door and slamming it shut behind him.

  “Well, I guess I know how to piss him off when I need to.” I mumble to myself before lying back down and going back to sleep.

  Just as I think I might sleep, Heather comes over with coffee. I forgive her for coming in because of what’s in her hand. “Morning, sunshine.”

  I grumble as she sits down on the bed and take the coffee. It’s warm and exactly what I need.

  She hands me her phone. “I have video footage from last night.”

  “Oh God,” I nearly choke on my coffee. “Is this like that movie Hangover?”

  “No,” she smiles handing me the phone. “It’s better. Especially at one minute twenty three seconds into your lap dance where you go to whip your head around and nearly knock out Will.”

  “Will?” I press play.

  It’s all there.

  All of it.

  I gave Will a lap dance in front of the entire party. I gave fucking Will a laptop dance!

  “You broke Will’s glasses by the way.”

  I place my coffee cup on my night stand and pull the covers over my head officially embarrassed.

  “You don’t find that the least bit funny?” Heather says while laughing.

  “Get out.” I grumble from beneath the covers.

  She’s laughing so hard now she snorts. “Just wait till you see him in class. I bet he’s gonna have tape holding them together.

  I yank the covers off and push Heather out of my room and lock it behind her. I’m never leaving my room again.

  October 31, 2013

  I’m sitting in class as another wave of nausea washes over me. That’s the second time today. Heather and I went out to Studio One Café for breakfast this morning and as soon as the waitress set the plate of French Toast down in front of me I stood up, knocking my chair over, and ran to the bathroom. I never did get sick but my stomach never settled enough for me to even eat. I left poor Heather at our table to eat by herself while I walk around outside. I couldn’t even stand the sweet smell of syrup in the air of the café.

  My period is two weeks late. I’m scared shitless. I have no one to talk to about this and that isn’t helping me at all. Yeah, I could talk to Heather, she knows more about my life right now than my own twin sister does but I’m afraid. I feel like I barely fit in now as it is and if I am pregnant I’ll feel like I have a sign on my back that says outcast for sure. Or people will say I got pregnant on purpose because Landon will go pro for sure. I’m not telling Landon because of the drugs I took a few days ago. He will freak the fuck out if he even speaks to me after I tell him I could possibly be pregnant. Will he even believe that it’s his? Probably not, but I know it is. I’ve never been with anyone else.

  I glance up to the clock, twenty minutes until this lecture is over. I sit back in my seat and rub a hand over my stomach begging the feeling to just go away. I thought seeing Will shortly after I gave him a lap dance would be awkward, well more awkward than normal, but it wasn’t. He asked for another one. For a brief second I forgot about my problems. And here we sit in this never-ending lecture while I’m feeling like death warmed over.

  Will leans over in my direction, careful not to bring attention to us. “You okay? You don’t look so hot?”

  I give him a pointed look. So, not only don’t I feel well, I don’t look well either. Just fucking great.

  The corner of his lips pulls up, “Well, you always look hot.” His cheeks flush. “Just not right this second.”

  I stare blankly at him for a few seconds letting him squirm in his seat before letting him off the hook.

  “I, uh, I…” Will stumbles with his words. He thinks he offended me.

  I giggle, “I’m just kidding with you, Will.” He visibly relaxes. “I don’t actually feel too well. I must have eaten something last night that isn’t sitting well with me.”

  “Yeah, probably.” He looks toward the professor before meeting my eyes again. “I was going to ask you to a Halloween party tonight.” He’s nervous and it’s kind of cute. “But maybe we can just hang out and do something low key if you aren’t feeling all that well.”

  I sigh. “I wish I could, Will.” I tap my pen on my leg. “Believe me, I want something normal in my life but I’m just not capable of normal right now.” My eyes tear up from the memories of my past, the good ones and the bad. “I’m so in love with Landon and all his fucked up shit that I can’t see straight.” I look Will in his eyes and give him a small smile. “Run away while you can, run far, far away.”

  Will looks like I’ve slapped him across the face for a brief minute before his expression changes to understanding. “We’re all fucked up in our own way, Macy.” He shrugs. “I hope Landon opens his eyes before you slip through his fingers and I step in to save the day.”

  “That’s it for today. We’ll review briefly in the next class before moving on.” The professor says.

  Everyone around us stands and shuffles books and papers before gathering all their belongings and leaving class. I reach down to grab my purse off the floor but Will beats me to it.

  “Thanks,” I say taking it from him and slinging it on my shoulder.

  “I’m serious, Macy. When he fucks up I’m holding you to our date.” Will says with a smirk on his face as his cheeks burn red. He’s still trying to impress me even though I just shot him down.

  I step past him and into the aisle, “And I’ll be ready.”

  November 3, 2013

  I took a few days before I called Madison to tell her about what happened with Macy. When I left Macy’s dorm I went straight to the gym and beat the shit out of the punch bag until my knuckles were raw and bloody. I would have kept going if one of the trainers hadn’t stopped me.

  We went into his office where he wrapped up my hands and told me if I did that stupid shit again I was going to be benched for a game. I agreed that I wouldn’t make them bleed again. I never said I wouldn’t hit the bag again because honestly I needed to take my anger out on something. I’d prefer it be Jay’s face for what he did but I’d probably wind up dead in a ditch somewhere.

  “Landon,” Madison says so groggy that I wonder what she’s high on when she answers the phone.

  “You popping pills now too?” I jump right in. No point in holding back.

  “What are you talking about?” She says defensively.

  I huff. “A couple weeks ago your sister took your pills that Jay gave her at the party.”

  “What?” Madison sounds awake now. “What do you mean pills?”

  “Jay saw her at a party, he gave her the pills. He assumed it was you. Does he not know you have a twin?” I’m getting irritated.

  “Landon, you know how Jay is. We barely talk.”

  “No, Madison, all you do is fuck.”

  That was an asshole thing to say but I’m fucking pissed that Macy took those pills. Pissed she was even involved at all. She’s too good for this shit.

  November 7, 2013

  Stanford, California

  Cardinals vs Ducks

  We’re in Stanford, California. We got in yesterday and we’ve been bu
sy with practices and watching tapes. I’ve been studying my opponents, keeping up with my game. I’m excited as I think we all are.

  “You ready, Hayes?” Colton asks as we’re getting suited up.

  I nod. “You?”

  “Always.”

  Coach does his game day speech before we hit the field. We’re all in our zones ready to rock the Cardinals.

  The first quarter of the game we don’t score. The Cardinals are up by a touchdown. Saylor is trying to hype us all up. Patting guys on the asses and slapping guys on the helmet after they run off the field.

  The second quarter we’re scoreless again but the Cardinals score ten points. We’re losing seventeen to nothing ending the half.

  Coach Lander yells as we all expect. Tells us to get our heads out of our asses and play the damn game.

  The third quarter we still can’t seem to score. The Cardinals are able to score another six points with two field goals. The score is now twenty-three to nothing.

  Cash is pissed. He’s hesitating because no one can seem to get open. This is a good and a bad thing. Cash is a monster on the field when he’s pissed off.

  Finally, in the fourth quarter I get a break and Cash throws me a twenty-three yard pass and I score putting us on the board. The Cardinals follow that up with a field goal. Riley receives the punt return running it in for a sixty-five-yard touchdown getting us on the board once again. The last play we make, Jet scores with a twelve-yard catch scoring another touchdown.

  It’s not enough to win us the game with the score being twenty-six to twenty.

  As I’m walking to the locker room I hear Cash talking to reporters telling them that we were all hesitating and that’s something we just can’t do. He’s right we can’t. It cost us the game. It’s our first loss of the season.

  November 16, 2013

  Eugene, OR

  Utes vs Ducks

  We’re back on our home field. This week’s practices have been brutal. Coach Lander is pissed that we lost last week’s game and he’s taking it out on us. Practices and training have been extra-long barely giving me a chance to breathe let alone get any homework done.

  Everyone is being quiet as we suit up for the game. I feel good about this game though and I’m hoping we’ve found our groove again.

  The first quarter, Holden receives an eight-yard pass for a touchdown and then we get a field goal and the Utes come up with nothing.

  The second quarter, Cash drops back into the pocket and he throws me a five yard pass for a touchdown. The Utes were able to score a touchdown as well. The score is seventeen to ten.

  When we get to the locker room after the half ends, Coach Lander is in a slightly better mood seeing as we’re ahead in the game. The crowd is keeping us all upbeat after our shitty performance last week.

  The third quarter, Sean receives the kick return and runs it in for an eighty-six yard touchdown. The crowd goes crazy. This is what we’re about. We find our way and lead it. Jet is able to score a fourteen-yard touchdown with a perfect pass from Cash but we miss the extra point. But then the Utes are able to score a touchdown. Then the last play of the third quarter Cash hands the ball off to Holden and he runs it in for a seventeen-yard touchdown. The score is now thirty-seven to fourteen.

  The last quarter the Utes score right off the bat for a touchdown. We hold them off from scoring anymore and with two minutes left on the clock Holden runs the ball in for a sixteen-yard touchdown.

  We won forty-four to twenty-one.

  November 23, 2013

  Tucson, AZ

  Wildcats vs Ducks

  Another away game and the pressure is building on me. I feel like everything is about to cave in on my life. I’m barely sleeping. I even paid some girl in one of my classes to do my homework one night so I could actually sleep. I slept for six hours straight. That never happens. I haven’t seen Macy in weeks. We’ve sent a few texts but that’s it.

  Saylor tries to pump us up before the game but no one’s in the mood. With having these two away games so close together everyone’s patience is wearing thin.

  The first quarter we’re able to score a field goal. It’s all we’re able to do against the Wildcats’ two touchdowns.

  The second quarter Cash runs the ball in for a touchdown but we miss the two-point conversion. The Wildcats are on their game scoring another fourteen points.

  Coach Lander tries a different approach this time during his half-time speech. He’s not pissed, he’s livid. He barely talks at all and when that happens we know the shit is going to hit the fan on Sunday when we’re reviewing tapes.

  In the third quarter we’re scoreless while the Wildcats come up with yet again another touchdown.

  The fourth quarter, Cash gets the chance to look around the field and finds me out by the sidelines for a twenty-two-yard pass into the end zone. But the Wildcats follow that right up with another touchdown.

  We lost that game forty-two to sixteen.

  The plane ride back to Eugene was long. No one talked. No one looked at each other. Everyone was dreading the team meeting with the coach because we were going to get our asses handed to us after he chews them up and spits them back out.

  November 26, 2013

  Colton and Cash are going at it yet again in the locker room. You would think that Colton would shut the fuck up and mind his own business but he doesn’t. He’s a fucking idiot sometimes. I think he was hit in the head with the ball one too many times.

  Cash’s pads are flying off and getting slammed into his locker. It takes a lot to piss Cash off but lately just a look in his direction and he’s ready for a fight.

  Cash goes and takes a quick shower while I’m still in the locker room taking my time because I’ve got nowhere to be. He dresses and pulls his hat down low over his eyes. I glance back at him and our eyes meet. His are cold and angry. Something in my gut tells me he’s going to see Jay. I’ve got to warn him not to but then another part of me just wants to stay the hell out of it.

  He takes a few steps in my direction and I jump up off the bench holding my hands up. “He’s dangerous.”

  Cash gives me a menacing look. “Don’t you have to go get high or something?”

  He brushes past me hitting my shoulder. “Fuck!” I yell then punch my locker. I drop to the bench staring down at the floor. I at least tried to warn him. I knew it would fall on deaf ears but I couldn’t live with myself if I said nothing at all.

  November 28, 2013

  Campus is mostly deserted since it’s Thanksgiving. Everyone has gone home to visit family but not me. My mom and dad are pissed but what can they do about it. They offered to come to Eugene and take me to dinner but I made up some lame excuse that I was keeping my head in my books all day to catch up on some school work I was behind on. Mom started crying and passed the phone off to dad. He told me not to worry about her and that he was proud of me for being responsible. That made me feel shitty because the last thing I was worried about was studying.

  Macy left to go home for a few days saying she just needed a break from everything. I think she wanted to put some distance between us and I couldn’t blame her. She never even asked if I was going back home either.

  I’m lying on my bed in my cold cinderblock room throwing the football up in the air then catching it. I feel like I’m trapped in this room but yet I can’t seem to make myself leave either. I’ve got the whole day to do whatever the hell I want since we have no practice and no game today.

  Tomorrow is the Civil War game. This matchup is going to be intense and everyone needs to be on their game, especially Cash. Oregon State is a huge rival of ours and the game is at home so we have that going for us. I haven’t smoked in days and it’s starting to wear on my nerves, I feel like I’ve been off my game until I’m on the field. That’s the only time I feel a sense of calm come over me.

  My phone starts buzzing beside me. I pick it up and see that it’s Madison.

  “Yo.”

  “Come ove
r?” She sounds sad.

  “Give me a few.” I hang up not waiting for her response.

  I toss the ball on my bed; grab my truck keys and wallet and head to the only diner in town that’s open.

  After ordering two turkey sandwiches I head over to Madison’s place. It’s not Thanksgiving dinner but it’s close enough and I really don’t think she’ll care. I know I don’t.

  Of course when I arrive at Madison’s she’s smoking from a bong and her room is filled with smoke. She’s really taking this final split with Cash hard. I think she finally realizes that she’s pushed him too far this time.

  “What did you expect him to do?” I ask taking the bong from Madison.

  “I don’t know?” She says looking away. “He’s never actually been this pissed off before.”

  I don’t know what she wants me to say so I say nothing. She had to know that this would all come to a head and blow up.

  Madison’s lying back on her bed staring up at her ceiling for a while. Every once in a while she’d look in my direction to make sure I was still here.

  I do what I can for her, make her laugh, and comfort her just by being there. Every time I’ve needed her, she’s been there.

  For a moment, I hesitate when I look at the bong she has out.

  Only for a moment.

  And then I inhale and nothing else matters. It relaxes the both of us. We eat the sandwiches I bought and then I fall asleep on her bed and then go back to my room around one when she’s tossing and turning so much I can’t sleep.

  As I open the door to my dorm room, I see Colton sound asleep and realize that should be me. But now, I spent the night getting high knowing damn well we have a game tomorrow and I’m going to be tested.

  I fucked up.

  November 29, 2013

  Eugene, OR

  Civil War Game

  I barely slept when I got home from Madison’s last night. I knew the second I saw Colton asleep that I should have been here hours ago with him. My head wasn’t on tight though and I fucked up. Nothing new there.