Forever Love

by Chelsea Landon

  When I get to the locker room I change into my uniform. I finish off a bottle of Gatorade and I walk over to toss it in the trash but I stop in my tracks. Cash has red welts covering his face, his lips are swollen and cracked, and his eye is swollen too with a deep purple mark lining the creases. I want to ask him if he feels better after getting his ass kicked but I don’t. I really want to say I fucking told you so but he could say the same for me and all the fucked up shit I’ve done. Instead I just walk away. I know what battles to pick and which ones to stay away from.

  We’re all suited up and standing in the tunnel ready to run out onto the field in front of sixty-thousand screaming fans, people from all over come to watch the Beavers battle it out with us.

  The first half of the game is tied. Cash finds me open and we score two touchdowns and a field goal in the first two quarters but the Beavers scored the same in just the second quarter.

  The third quarter Cash calls the play but I get held up and have to haul ass to get down the field where I should be standing when I see Cash’s arm go behind his head. I make it just in time and make the catch scoring a touchdown. The Beavers are only able to score a field goal. By the end of the quarter we’re leading.

  The fourth quarter we’re off to a bad start. The Beavers are up a field goal and a touchdown. Cash is able to find me and we score leaving the score twenty-four to thirty. We’re in the lead. It’s one tough ass game as we all expected it would be. With less than two minutes on the clock the Beavers score again. The game is tied. The clock is winding down. Plays are being yelled without a huddle. Cash gets us as close to the end zone with handing the ball off but we’re out of time; he has to throw the ball. He looks to me and I know that look. He’s relying on me to score, to win this game for us. I nod and he makes the call for the play. Saylor hikes the ball to Cash, he makes the snap and I’m right where I should be but the throw is off and I make the split second turn and catch the ball to for a twelve-yard touchdown.

  We win thirty-six to thirty-five.

  The fans and team rush the field. Colton runs to me and I jump mid-air and he catches me. Saylor slaps my ass as the rest of the guys congratulate me. I’ve played one of my best games. I don’t feel like I should be living in the victory because I know when I get back to that locker room and take the piss test my season is over. This was the least that I could do for them. I give myself a few minutes to live in the moment.

  After the interviews I head back to the locker room. Cash is already there standing at his locker. I glance over to him. “Good game. Best throw you made all year.”

  He doesn’t respond. I didn’t really expect him to.

  “Hayes? You’re up.” A rep from the NCAA says looking at me.

  They test all of us after the last game and after a bowl game too. I knew that heading into the game but last night I didn’t care. I needed that escape.

  “I’m sure Steven would have loved to see this shit.” Cash mumbles.

  I glare at him. “Don’t you fucking say his name around me.”

  “Why? Does it hurt to know you were responsible?”

  “Fuck you, Cash.” I brush past him towards the bathroom.

  “Landon Hayes?” The man holding a clip board asks.

  I nod but don’t say anything. He hands me a piece of paper that says I’m being tested with my name and date. I sign it, hand it back.

  He follows me back to the bathrooms, makes me wash my hands with water only and then tells me to drop my pants down to my ankles.

  “Lift your shirt up to your arm pits.”

  There’s no modesty allowed here. They see it all.

  “Now turn around and do a three-sixty.”

  I do as he says. This isn’t my first drug test so I know what the drill is here. He watches me piss in the cup and then takes it and calls the next player back.

  I know I’m not passing. I smoked pot yesterday.

  Coach sees me walk out and he knows too. I feel his disappointment rolling from him.

  When I come back into the locker room with the boys, Colton and Cash are shoving each other. I know where this is going so I stand in between them but I can’t help myself and start laughing. Probably because I should be laughing at myself right now.

  Or that I just find it funny that Cash just punched Colton. That’s entertaining to me.

  “It’s not even about you just being an all-around dick anymore.” Cash says to me knocking my hands away. “It’s about you having a fucking drug problem.” And then he shoves me backwards into Coach Lander. “You not only let me down, you let Steven down. You let the whole fucking team down you piece of shit!”

  I don’t say anything because he’s absolutely right.

  And then I’m fucking pissed. I’m pissed because I’m being called on my own shit in front of everyone all because he thought I was laughing at him.

  “You sure you want to do this right now, Landon?” Coaches and players start trying to separate Cash and I when they see where this is going. “You sure you want to have this conversation, here, right now?”

  Fucking right I want to.

  “Yes.” I say laughing. I’m glad someone’s finally calling me on my shit but it doesn’t stop my own anger either.

  He shoves me first and I have to catch myself against the locker. With a dark gaze, I look up and am met with an even darker one. I’ve never in my life seen Cash this angry. And never with me.

  My hands start shaking as I feel the adrenaline jolt through me. “You ready for me to break that million dollar arm?”

  He fucking laughs at me right then. “I'd like to see you try, asshole.”

  “How long have you been fucking Macy?” I ask curious how long the two of them have been going behind my back. Probably years.

  “Don’t say shit like that unless you want an honest answer.”

  “You warning me?”

  “I guess I am.” He smiles back at me, a glowering look that makes me want to wipe it off his fucking face. “Don’t ask unless you want the truth.”

  He shoves me back again. It’s like a goddamn shoving match. “How long have you been fucking, Madison?”

  I don’t answer him. Instead I punch him.

  “I hope your nose is crooked, you bastard!”

  “Yeah,” I spit blood on the floor. “Your face isn’t so pretty now, asshole.”

  He smiles with blood running down the side of his face. “Still pretty enough for Sports Illustrated.”

  December 2, 2013

  I get the phone call I knew was coming all along. Coach wants me to come to his office. He’s pissed. I can’t hear it in his voice. Leave it to me to fuck up once again. I can’t even manage to stay sober knowing that a drug test was coming.

  I knock on Coach’s door and wait before entering.

  “Come in, Landon.”

  I take a seat in one of the leather chairs in front of his desk. He picks up a stack of papers, “Do you know what this is?”

  I nod, “The results of the drug tests.”

  He stands and paces back and forth after throwing the papers back on his desk. “Do you know what you’re outcome was?”

  I know and I’m not going to lie about it. “Yeah.”

  “Landon,” he starts off saying. He’s breathing hard trying to keep calm. “Son, you knew this test was coming up. You know this team needs you, you’re an important part of it.” He’s laying the guilt on thick. “You couldn’t stay clean could you?”

  I don’t answer because I have nothing to say. Life is a bitch and I’m at her mercy.

  Coach puts his hands on his hips. “I went to bat for you, Landon.” He shakes his head in disbelief. “But it didn’t matter.” He sighs loudly. “They’re pulling your scholarship, you’re out of the Bowl game and you must take drug and alcohol classes before you can even think about playing ball next year.”

  Every single word he just uttered is like a bullet to the chest. He just ripped my fucking chest wide open. I have nothing
left. I’ve lost everything I care about, football, Macy, Cash, Alexa, and Steven.

  I rest my elbows on my knees and scrub my face with my hands. What the fuck am I going to do now?

  Coach Lander leans against the desk in front of me, “You need help, Landon.” He says in a sincere voice. “I’ve watched you for the last three years and with each passing year I see you giving up.” He sighs, “You need to find that young man you were before the accident. The one I saw dominating the field your senior year. I know he’s in there, every once in a while he’ll make an appearance but never sticks around for long.”

  I meet his eyes for the first time since stepping foot in his office. “And what if I can’t, Coach?”

  He smiles, “Never doubt yourself, Landon. Everything may seem fucked up right now but things have a way of working out in the long run.”

  His words feel empty, I feel empty. I’ve got nothing left. This is what I deserve though. I’ve created this life I’m living.

  After the meeting I run into Macy on the way back to the dorms. She looks slightly panicked and I just assume she already heard. It wouldn’t have surprised me if she did.

  “You got a second?” she asks nervously.

  I nod, “Sure.” We start walking slowly back to the dorms.

  “So,” she takes a deep breath and fidgets with her hands. “I’m two weeks late.”

  I stop walking and I’m pretty sure I’ve stopped breathing at this point.

  “What did you say?” I have to make sure I heard her right.

  She turns towards me but doesn’t look me in the eyes, “I know this is shitty timing with the Bowl coming up but I don’t know what else to do.”

  Before I realize what I’m saying I blurt out, “Is it Cash’s?”

  Macy looks like I’ve just slapped her and I mentally smack myself for not thinking before I speak.

  She shakes her head in disbelief, “No, asshole.” Finally she looks into my eyes and I know she’s telling the truth. “I’ve only ever been with you. At least I know I can say that and it’s not a lie.” Macy takes a step back. “Forget it, Landon. Forget I even mentioned it.”

  “You took those pills at that party and blacked out.” My hands start sweating. How could this be? “How do you know you didn’t sleep with anyone else?”

  “Un-fucking-believable. I was with Heather, you idiot.”

  I laugh sarcastically, “Well, that makes me feel better. She’s more of a whore than your sister.”

  Macy’s eyes go wide in surprise, “You pissed Madison won’t sleep with you?”

  She’s being a snarky bitch today and if I weren’t so fucking pissed off at the world it’d probably turn me on. “Believe me, Macy, if I want to fuck Madison, I can. Anytime.” I’m being a dick but fuck it.

  Her eyes pool with tears and it should make me want to take it back but I don’t. I can’t deal with this shit right now. My head falls back and I look up to the sky and curse. Can anything else go wrong?

  I shove my hands in my pockets, “Macy,” I croak out suddenly feeling like I’ve swallowed sand. She stands there with her hands on her hips and my eyes flicker to her stomach for a brief minute. “I’m sorry.”

  I turn around and leave her standing there. I don’t know why I said I’m sorry but it felt like it needed to be said. My mind is going in all different directions, my vision is going blurry. I need to get the hell out of here but I don’t know where to go.

  What the hell am I going to do if she’s pregnant? I can’t raise a baby, I’m barely surviving myself.

  How would I support them? I probably just lost my chance to play in the NFL.

  December 5, 2013

  Days turn into nights.

  Time stands still, or does it at least feel that way?

  After receiving the shitty news that I’ve lost my scholarship and I have to attend drug and alcohol classes and then getting the final blow from Macy that she’s late I went straight to the liquor store and stocked up on whiskey. Then I met up with Jay and told him to triple my normal stash. I’ve finally hit rock bottom.

  Some days I wish it would have been me who died in that accident. I don’t deserve to be here. Everything I touch turns to shit and I’m left with nothing. The only thing that I still have is Macy and it’s only a matter of time before she’s gone. I’ve got to cut strings once and for all if she doesn’t turn out to be pregnant. I’m going to ruin her and I’ll never be able to live with myself if I do. I know I can do no wrong in Macy’s eyes and maybe that’s what is wrong with us. She’s never blamed me for anything that’s happened, nothing. Where I choose to numb my emotions Macy chooses to numb her feelings with me. It’s the only thing that makes sense, how else could she deal with me knowing I’ve hooked up with other girls during our on again, off again relationship.

  I’ve kept myself in a high, drunken state for days now. I don’t want to feel anything, I want the numbness. I need it. Being high keeps me calm and being drunk is getting me out of rage that I would be feeling for ruining my life.

  It’s just sometime before midnight and another day almost passed when I find myself at the one place I’ve been trying to keep myself from. I lean against the wall at the end of Macy’s hall. My knee is throbbing, I bend down to rub it and nearly fall over. Some girl passes by staring at me but doesn’t say anything. When my hand finally finds my knee I notice my jeans are ripped and there is blood staining them. “Damn.”

  I right myself again and stumble down the hall trying to find Macy’s room. I knock on one door thinking it was hers but some girl wrapped in a towel answers. She gives me an inviting smile then reaches for my hand. I let her pull me into her room, who wouldn’t when she’s already naked and probably ready for me. She pushes me up against the back of the door and my head thumps against it. Some of the fog clears and I realize what the hell I was about to do. Everything is in slow motion and before I can react her lips are on mine.

  I open my eyes and see the wrong color staring back at me. I grip her arms and push her away from me.

  “Ow,” she cries out. I look down at my hands and I see double.

  I squeeze my eyes shut and shake my head trying to get my bearings. I let go of her and try to get the door to open but it takes me a few times. When I get back in the hallway I trip and fall, “Fuck.”

  I roll onto my back as my stomach grumps from being jarred around. Where the hell am I? I roll back over onto my stomach and it protests. I know this hallway. I get to my hands and knees and crawl to the nearest door.

  I bang on it with my fist yelling, “Macy!”

  The door flies open and I fall forward.

  “Damn it, Landon.” Heather. Finally the right door.

  Heather reaches down and tries to help me up, “Fuck, you’re heavy.” Heather says straining.

  She gets me up and all but throws me on Macy’s bed and everything fades to black.

  December 5, 2013

  It’s late and when Cash calls me and asks me to go get a cup of coffee with him; I don’t hesitate. We don’t really talk about much, we just needed each other’s company.

  Cash takes a sip of his coffee and I blurt out, “I gave Will a lap dance.”

  He coughs, choking on his coffee. “Damn, Macy.” He wipes his mouth. “A little better timing next time.”

  I laugh and it feels good. “Sorry.”

  He shakes his head, “No, you’re not.” Then he throws his napkin at me. “So, Will? Do I know him?”

  “Probably not.” I shake my head, “He’s this, hot nerdy kid in my business strategy class.”

  He looks confused. “The kid with the black rimmed glasses who runs whenever I get near you?”

  I giggle and look away, “Yeah, that one.”

  “Ha,” Cash laughs, “How’d that happen?”

  I glance around the coffee shop at all the different people that are coming and going. “I was drunk.” I can’t tell Cash about taking the pills that were meant for Madison.

&nb
sp; Cash laughs.

  I cover my face with my hands, “I broke his glasses apparently too.”

  Cash throws his head back and laughs. “Oh, man.” He belly laughs grabbing his stomach. “I need to see that.”

  I shake my head. “Heather has the video.”

  Cash laughs even harder. “I’m sure half the school has seen it now.”

  I shake my head. “She wouldn’t. I’ve got blackmail on her.”

  I sigh and my phone dings. I dig through my purse looking for it.

  Heather 10:15 pm: Text me before you come home.

  Frowning at my phone I tap out a reply.

  Me 10:16 pm: Everything ok?

  Heather 10:19 pm: yup

  Cash clears his throat, “You okay?”

  I nod. “Yeah.” I finish off my coffee. “I’m going to get going. Walk me back?”

  Cash stands. “Let’s go.”

  When we make it to the dorms I text Heather.

  Me 10:39pm: I’m walking up.

  Heather 10:40pm: K

  Heather is standing out in the hall with her arms crossed leaning against the door frame. My steps slow and my stomach tightens. Something isn’t right.

  “Heather,” I say cautiously.

  “Hey,” she smiles timidly, “you have a guest but I wanted to give you some warning first.” Heather looks to the closed door like she can see through it before her eyes meet mine once again. “He’s high as a kite and drunk off his ass. He’s been here since I first texted you. I didn’t know what he was going to do so I didn’t want to bother you right away.”

  I nod. Would he really be any other way? He’s been self-destructing since I told him that I might be pregnant. It’s eating at me that he’s acting like this but really, what did I expect?

  She reaches into her back pocket and pulls out her keycard to the dorms, “I’m going to go hang out with Declan. Text me if you need me.”

  I nod again. I want to beg her to stay, to not let me deal with this, but I don’t. I let her go. She doesn’t need this bullshit in her life; I’ve already dragged her into it enough.