Trusting Love Again

by Starla Kaye

  “We’ll be calling our realtor as well.”

  She sniffled and made him forget the problem for now. He watched her draw in a breath and swallow hard. Once more, he wanted to go to her and pull her into his embrace, comfort her. It would be a bad idea, though.

  “So much has happened to me. Too much.” She swiped at her eyes. “Buying this house gave me something to focus on and look forward to. Now… now I’m feeling lost all over again.”

  He hated hearing the hurt in her tone and seeing the helpless slump to her shoulders. Bad idea or not, he stood and walked around the desk, needing to offer comfort in some way. He reached for her, barely remembering her previous reaction until it was too late.

  Her eyes widened and she scuttled backward. “No! Don’t touch me!”

  Toni panicked. Instinctively she knew Chad didn’t intend to harm her. But she couldn’t help her reaction. She trembled, fought down the fear, and was miserable at the sight of him watching her in caution. She didn’t want him to think she was a crazy woman, but it was hard to clarify what had happened.

  As her breathing returned to almost normal, she looked at him, needing to explain a part of her problem. “You deserve to know why I reacted this way now…and the other day.”

  He shook his head, his eyes determined. “No. It’s all right.”

  “No it isn’t,” she protested. She called on her limited inner strength to get through the explanation. “The last day Stanley and I were together was bad. As he was leaving the house for the office in the morning, I confronted him about a woman who’d called for him the day before. She hadn’t told me her name and had laughed as she hung up. I’d worried about it all night. When I asked him who she was, he got mad and told me it wasn’t any of my business.”

  Chad heaved an angry breath, but didn’t say anything.

  She was grateful for that and went back to the devastating moment, feeling sick inside. “I knew then. I knew that she was who he’d been seeing those nights he’d started staying away from home.” She closed her eyes in shame, admitting quietly. “I was certain his cheating on me was my fault. That I’d not been woman enough for him, which is something he’d started mentioning…that I wasn’t giving him the passion he needed anymore. He told me that I wasn’t woman enough for him, or for any real man.”

  That had hurt almost more than any of the physical pain she’d suffered from him. She’d always done whatever he wanted, and he’d demanded a lot sometimes.

  A tear slipped from one eye, both from the awful recollection and from knowing what a fool she’d been back then. “I had to do something to save my marriage. So I made him a special dinner that night, planned to seduce him somehow.”

  She glanced at Chad and found him rigid, his jaw tight. She looked away in embarrassment. Why was she telling him all of this? What would he think of her? She was a woman who hadn’t been able to hang onto her husband.

  Then she felt her anger returning. “The food was barely warm by the time Stanley got home from work. He didn’t want to eat, but I insisted. I’d worked so hard on it. So he ate some of it, getting more irritated with me with every bite he swallowed.”

  She remembered seeing the annoyance in his expression. “Finally I gave up and stood to take the dishes to the kitchen. He got up, too, furious now that I was going to put the food away. Food he’d not wanted to eat.”

  “He’d been angry before, yelled at me, called me…called me awful things. But this was worse than ever before. He was so mad.”

  She pulled in a shaky breath, seeing the anger on his face in her mind’s eye. “He grabbed me, forced me to drop the plate, which broke at my feet. That made him more upset. He took hold of both of my arms and shook me. His grip was so hard that he left bruises that lasted for days.” She gulped down a lump of emotion. “Then he pushed me, hard. I fell and knocked my head on the table edge.”

  Chad cursed under his breath, “That sonofabitch.”

  Ignoring his statement, she looked miserably at him. “Like…like I pushed you.” Tears blurred her vision at what she’d done, at the violence within her that had never been in her before Stanley.

  Again, Chad grumbled in frustration.

  She ignored him and went on, needing to get this out. “He looked in disgust at me lying there on the floor. Hatred, really. Then he walked out of the house without saying a word.”

  “He wasn’t good enough for you, Toni,” Chad protested. “The bastard.”

  For a second, she considered what he said and wanted to believe him, but there were still enough uncertain feelings within her to doubt herself.

  “Had Beaton done that before? Hit you?” Chad asked through gritted teeth.

  She blinked away the tears she refused to shed. “Just a couple of times, just slaps. But he apologized over and over after it happened each time. He promised it would never happen again. But it did. Only worse.”

  Chapter Five

  Chad wanted to find the asshole and shove his hand right through his face. He’d hurt Toni in ways that caused soul deep pain as well as physical pain. Beaton had gotten away with it. He would no doubt do the same or worse to another woman someday. He understood that with Beaton family’s influence in Denver and her being a mere small town woman who’d married well, she wouldn’t have stood a chance trying to take him on in court about what he’d done. In his work, he ran into abusive cases far too many times. People who had been verbally or physically beaten too much either struggled to fight back or didn’t do it at all.

  Toni had chosen to protect herself as best she could; she’d sought the divorce and walked away from that life. Not necessarily whole, but she was getting better. He could see the ups and downs she suffered, and would probably suffer for a while. He hoped that she’d gotten a damn good settlement from the SOB.

  He’d been quiet too long while he struggled with what he’d heard. She was observing him and he hated that she might wonder if he would ever treat her like that. He wouldn’t. But how long would it take for her to get over the experience? How would she learn to trust a man again?

  “You should never have gone through that alone.” If her parents had known… If her brother had known… Nobody had. She’d been completely cut off from anyone who cared for her, even if it had been her own doing. But here in Petersville she did have her family to help her heal from those wounds. Whether she wanted it or not, she also had his support.

  She shrugged at his comment, then continued with her distressing explanation. “I loved him, or thought I did. I was raised in a good home, with good people, with strong beliefs. As his wife, I felt it was my duty to do anything he wanted or expected of me.” She closed her eyes for a second and drew in a breath, then blew it out. “Some things were unpleasant, really awful, but I…”

  Her admission cut at him. He didn’t want to even consider what the unpleasant things had been. She’d obviously put up with treatment that a woman shouldn’t have to at the hands of a man far from worthy of her.

  “He didn’t love me, though. I don’t think he really ever did.”

  Her voice had dropped so low he could barely hear her, but he felt the pain of her disillusionment. Again, he wanted to find Beaton and do some serious damage to him. He shoved the anger aside and said, “I would never treat a woman like that. Most men wouldn’t.”

  She appeared to weigh what he’d said. Slowly she relaxed. “I don’t think you would. You’re nothing like Stanley. He was twisted in a way. I should have seen the signs earlier in him.”

  “You were young…”

  Her eyes flashed with irritation. “I was stupid, too. I met a man who paid me such special attention, made me feel treasured. Powerful stuff for a naïve young woman.” She shook her head, the long hair brushing her shoulders. “I was so determined to have my way, like always. I was sure my parents were wrong about him. I couldn’t believe they didn’t see how much he loved me.”

  She snorted in disgust. “Love! Right.”

  It was the
sad truth that she’d spent most of her youth and teen years set on having her own way. She’d pretty much been the living definition of brat. Her parents had been patient as saints a great deal of the time. They’d loved her so much; still did. How different her life would have turned out if he’d not been such a damn fool and taken too long to make his play for her. His life, too. Guilt weighed heavily on him. But there was nothing he could do to change how things had turned out for either of them.

  She looked straight at him and said words that had to be hard to say. “They were right all along not to trust him.”

  He put out his good hand to her, held his breath, and waited to see if she would take it. He needed to pull her to him, wishing he could take some of her burden of emotional pain. He’d been hurt as well by someone he’d thought loved him, but he had enough inner strength left to share her suffering. He doubted she would take a chance with him and let him offer gentleness with no expectations.

  She stared at his hand for a couple of long seconds before she stepped toward him. He held perfectly still in surprise, let her be in charge. She slid her small, soft hand against his much bigger one and ever so lightly curled her shaking fingers around his hand. Her effort humbled him.

  “So many people have turned their backs on me. People I thought were my friends and that I could trust,” she said in a near whisper. “I don’t want to keep feeling frightened, distrustful. I want to believe in people again and in their goodness. I know most people aren’t like Stanley or his awful family. But it’s hard.”

  Although it was awkward with his casted arm, he moved her into his embrace as gently as he could. At first she stiffened, but then he felt her force herself to relax and he knew it cost her. The rightness of having her so close made him want more. He had been with other women, had thought he’d loved a couple, but his feelings for them were nothing compared to what he experienced being around Toni. She was a broken woman, but was determined to believe he wouldn’t hurt her. He prayed he could give her what she needed to heal. Like her family, he wanted her to be happy again.

  They stood together for several minutes, his injured arm cradled between them. He experienced a twinge of pain as she moved closer to him, but he chose to ignore it. This was too important. He would stand here until his legs went numb if that’s what she needed him to do. She would make the next move.

  Her heart pounded against him, the speed increasing the longer they stood there. Finally she moved back and looked up at him with wary eyes. “I’m sorry for what I did, all of it. For breaking your sign. For breaking your arm. For—”

  “It’ll be okay, Antoinette,” he said, cutting her off. He couldn’t help himself. He cupped her beautiful face with his good hand, gave her a second to shove him away or yell at him. He prayed she wouldn’t.

  She simply trembled and waited.

  Need tore through him. It’s too soon. She’s too fragile.

  When she didn’t move, he took it as a precious sign and he gave in, lowering his head. Her sweet, floral scent sucked him in. He was desperate, but he would be careful with her. She deserved gentleness. Their lips met and he struggled for control again. Gentle. God, be gentle.

  So good, so perfect, even if so light. The tender kiss lasted little more than an instant, but she didn’t fight it. When she gave a soft moan that was enough to try his patience. His body hardened and pressed against her. He hoped it wouldn’t frighten her, but he couldn’t help the reaction.

  She drew in a startled breath and stepped back. Her eyes were wide with a mixture of alarm and longing. Regret. Then she spun away and sped out of his office.

  Well, hell.

  ***

  What had she done? How could she have let Chad kiss her? Toni’s heart raced as she hurried down the stairs, nearly falling in the high heels, but managing to catch herself on the railing at the last second.

  “Toni, wait!” he called from the top of the stairs. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have…”

  Oddly, annoyance filled her. She didn’t want his apology, not when everything in her wanted another kiss. A longer one, a more intense one. Uncomfortable with that knowledge, she couldn’t face him. Yet she had to tell him the truth. “I’m not sorry.”

  “What did you say?”

  He started down the stairs after her, but she rushed to snag her coat from the halltree, and then her purse from her small office. He stood tall and worried with a pinched brow in the foyer when she nearly ran into him. “Did you say you weren’t sorry?” he asked, sounding disbelieving, hopeful.

  She’d waited years for their first kiss, having thought about it a hundred times in her teen years. She’d never really believed it would happen. Now it had. But it had been short. Still, it was even better than she’d dreamed about. Just a simple taste and she longed for more. She wasn’t a teenage girl with no control anymore. “It can’t happen again, Chad. I mean it.”

  “Because we’ll be working together?”

  “Partly because of that.” She began tugging her coat on, awkwardly, since she still had hold of her purse. He tried to help her, but she moved out of his reach and did it herself. “Mostly because…because I just can’t.”

  His darkened blue eyes held such sadness that she had to look away. “It was just a spur of the moment thing. Nothing you need to worry about.”

  But she was worried. She’d felt his body’s reaction to her, to the kiss. He was a virile man, a passionate one. She’d sensed that, knew how much he’d struggled to control himself.

  “There was a time when I wanted you to see me as someone you could be attracted to. When I was young and ridiculously had a crush on you.” She swallowed hard. “Too much has happened since then. To both of us.”

  Disappointment filled his striking face, sporting stitches and a bandage because of her. Yet he nodded agreement. “If things were different…”

  “But they’re not.” She walked by him and out of the office, hoping he wouldn’t try to stop her.

  He didn’t.

  Good? Bad? The right decision. She wasn’t ready for another relationship, probably wouldn’t ever be. He might never be either. Her brother had told her the other day what had happened in Chad’s marriage. His ex-wife had aborted their baby, one he hadn’t even known about. The woman’s cruelty sickened her.

  ***

  It took Toni two days to recover from that modest embrace, the even simpler kiss, and the awkward conversation afterward. She had avoided Chad as much as possible the next day and he’d let her do that. She’d worked with Ellen and Ethan instead. As she struggled with the simplest duties, both had shown more patience than she deserved. Answering the phone for the firm wasn’t something she enjoyed. Too many clients grew subtly hostile after she’d said her name, wanting to be passed on to whoever they’d called for rather than even share a mere comment about the nice weather with her. The act of bringing a cup of coffee to a client in a meeting hadn’t been pleasant, either. So she’d grown quieter at the office and tried to become invisible.

  That was changing as of today. She hoped. She had lectured herself about her behavior this morning in the shower. Her therapist would not have approved of her shifting back into the role of playing timid, as she’d settled into during her marriage. That wasn’t who she was, at least not who she had been B.S.

  Walking up the office steps, she smiled. B.S. Before Stanley. Or more commonly thought of as bullshit. In her situation and experience, they were interchangeable. She’d been here almost a week and those around her might not see the changes in her yet, but she did.

  Each night she went to bed feeling like she’d accomplished something, even if her duties weren’t huge things, just day-to-day stuff in an office. Each day she dealt with the unfriendly clients, maybe too cautiously at first, but she’d learned to take their behavior in stride. Best of all, her redheaded temper had not made another appearance since her unreasonable attack on the sign and on Chad. Once she was confident in herself again, she wanted to keep on
controlling her temper. That quick flash of anger she’d been known for in her youth wasn’t something she wanted back.

  Her nightmarish dream about Stanley having rough sex with her had also not returned. Instead she replayed Chad’s kiss. Except the kiss had become much hotter, more passionate. Her body ached with desire for him to come to her bed, or take her to his. Foolish wishes. He didn’t need a woman with her kind of emotional baggage in his personal life. And she knew he had issues as well, according to her brother. She didn’t think she could deal with more than she already was.

  Yet the man was messing with her mind. Each day she’d come into the office there had been another rose added to the vase, until finally there had been a bigger vase set on her desk. There hadn’t been any new notes. But she knew who the flowers were from. Curiously, she wondered if she’d find another rose today. A thought that made her smile and made her insides tingle.

  “Thank God you’re here!” Chad all but shrieked the instant she opened the outer door. “I can’t handle this. I’m totally inept when it comes to the basic reception duties.”

  After closing the door, she hurried inside. He sat at Ellen’s desk. His thick hair looked as if he’d run a hand through it many times already. His eyes appeared dazed; a bit unnerved, too. He looked…adorably sexy in a lost man kind of way. Warmth curled inside her.

  “Where’s Ellen?” She slipped off her coat and went back to hang it on the hall tree.

  The wheels of Ellen’s chair squeaked as they always did and she knew he’d gotten up. She hadn’t even turned around before he was at her side. He still seemed paler than normal, edgy.

  “Her water broke almost the instant she walked in the door earlier.” His eyes widened and he looked shocked. “Dad took her to the hospital. Her husband is out of town, but he’s coming back today. I was a real basket case in her time of need. Helpless. She made me sit down and put my head between my knees. Dad laughed at me the entire time he was taking charge of the situation.”