Missing You, Missing Me

by Paige, Tylor

  “Yes, the video turned out great. I hate to break it to you guys, but I think when this is all over Ethan and I are just gonna keep being good buds. He’s cool, but I think we both know now that it’s better to leave stuff in the past.” Candace was downright pouting now.

  “Aw, don’t tell me that! The world is begging for more of you two!” Ethan put his arm around my shoulder and squeezed.

  “Don’t worry, we still care for each other, but our relationship has changed over the years. I mean, Cleo’s married. I’m doing my own thing. Who knows, maybe the bands will do some more collaborating. It’s really up to the fans whether we do another collaboration,” he said. She flashed another smile and continued.

  “Ugh, I hate how cute you guys are. We will forever have to agree to disagree. You two are my ultimate ship. Congrats to the man that snagged you Cleo, and Ethan, I’ll have to get your number after the show.” She winked at the camera and Ethan let out a forced laugh.

  “Thanks for the time guys, have a great show. I can’t wait to see you both perform separately and together. I’m Candace Tucker and this was your exclusive interview with Cleo De La Rosa and Ethan Andrews,” she said cheerily and made a motion with her hand for Chase to cut the camera. Once the camera was off she turned towards us and shook her head with a sly smile.

  “Cool as cucumbers, huh? You guys aren’t going to give us anything,” she laughed, but her smile was tight, her eyes showing her annoyance. Ethan forced another smile and I followed suit.

  “Sorry!” I said brightly and she rolled her eyes but kept the smile.

  “Thanks though, I’ll take what I can get. People will hear what they want to hear anyways. We all know that. It was nice meeting you both. I really appreciate you guys taking the time to talk to me,” she said. We exchanged a few more pleasantries and then she disappeared back into the crowd.

  After that interview, fans became obsessed with trying to catch us touching each other or looking longingly at the other one. It was almost exhausting trying to act aloof when around others, which when on a tour was always. When we did get time alone we made out like teenagers, but those moments were few and far between. I wanted nothing more than to touch him again, to kiss him wherever, whenever. To embrace the rumors and be his. But until I figured out what was going on with my marriage, I couldn’t.

  * * *

  It felt like in the blink of an eye the tour was over. The last concert went perfectly, we couldn’t have asked for a better performance. I bounded off the stage back to where the man I had fallen for this summer was waiting. I was walking over when suddenly my stomach turned. Hurrying to find a trash I ran off and threw up in a small wastebasket. Oh god, I hadn’t even drank that much tonight. My stomach flipped once more and I vomited again. Ethan hurried over to me and grabbed my hair.

  When I finally stood, I wished him good luck but told him I needed to lay down before the finale. He understood and let the guys take me to the bus. Closing my eyes, I was aroused only fifteen minutes later when Adrian put something on my pillow. I grabbed it and tried to read it in the dim light. I sat up quickly, realizing what this was. Adrian looked at me with solemn eyes. I stared back at him blankly.

  “Go take it,” he whispered.

  In the tiny bathroom, I wanted to throw up again just waiting for the stick to tell me what I already knew. Sure enough, two minutes later I saw that I was going to be someone’s mother.

  Unable to stop the tears, I lifted my legs to my chest on the toilet and let myself cry. Adrian squeezed into the tiny room. Looking at the stick then back at me. He leaned down and pulled me into his arms to comfort me. We stayed like that until a knock on the door told me I had ten minutes until I had to be on stage.

  I glanced up at Adrian in horror. I had forgotten about the finale. I washed my face and brushed my teeth quickly and hurried back into the building.

  I watched Ethan from behind the line, he was so happy. What had I done? This couldn’t be real, it was a mistake. Adrian came up behind me and squeezed my hand.

  “You can do this,” he reassured me. I wasn’t sure I could. Cruel Distraction played their final song and the lights went dark. The band ran backstage excited. Spencer came over and told us that for the final performance they want all of us on stage with them. Adrian and the others were so excited they ran on to the stage to take their positions. I looked for Ethan, but he was nowhere to be found.

  I waited for him, even though I was being called. Finally he stepped out of a closet, stuffing something in his pocket. Just looking at him I could tell he had just gotten high again. This was a disaster. I was so stupid. Feeling quite empty I took the stage with him one last time. Everything about my performance was forced and fake. Maybe we were better off without each other.

  “What are you going to do?” Adrian asked after we stepped back on the bus, quickly moving to the bunks. The music blaring in front covered our voices. Ethan was in the front with everyone else.

  I knew what he was asking me. It was quite common for people chasing fame to go have the procedure. Most agents and managers pushed it.

  “I can’t. I can’t, Adrian.” I shook my head, tears falling down my cheeks again. I was shaking. He wrapped his arms around me tighter. That’s the only reason I was here. My parents were devout Catholics. Pregnant at fifty or not, my mother couldn’t have an abortion. I couldn’t either, I realized. I refused to even give it a second thought.

  “It’s okay. Everything will be fine. We will be here. All for one, remember,” he reassured me. I leaned back into him and continued crying silently.

  “How far along do you think you are?” He whispered. I paled.

  “Dallas.”

  His eyes went wide with realization. “So Chris is…” he started but I shook my head.

  “I don’t know.”

  “Once you go to a doctor, you can see how far along you are and that will tell you who did it,” Adrian assured me.

  They wouldn’t be able to tell. I hadn’t told anybody, not even Adrian, about what happened that night. I couldn’t. It was too embarrassing. I wrapped my arms around myself.

  “Yeah, but what if it’s the wrong guy?” I said. “God, I don’t even know who the wrong guy is anymore. Chris is a jerk, but I know he would love a kid. He wants a family.”

  “And what about Ethan?”

  “Ethan is the best thing to ever happen to me, but he still wants to tour and travel. I can’t do this to him. I don’t know what I want!” I was on the verge of tears again. Adrian hugged me and calmed me back down.

  “Go with Ethan. Chris will be there until he gets bored. Ethan will stay,” he told me. I shook my head.

  “Ethan does not want kids. He told me this. He is still a kid himself. He doesn’t need to be tied down to me or a baby. Plus, he’s still doing…” I trailed off. I didn’t want to say it. “He isn’t ready to be responsible for this. Hell, I’m not even responsible enough to do this,” I finished, burying my head in my hands again.

  Adrian shook his head. “I can’t make the decision for you, love. Figure out who the dad is and take it from there. But don’t regret your choice.” He gave me a stern look.

  He was right. Whatever decision I made, I had to remember why I made it and that I couldn’t take it back. This wasn’t just about me anymore. I looked down at my flat stomach and it instantly rolled again. There was a little guy in there. It was a bizarre idea to me.

  I hurried back to the bathroom just in case my stomach decided to empty itself again. Sitting in the bathroom, in the calm and quiet, I made the decision to tell Ethan. I didn’t even have to tell Chris I was pregnant. We could sign divorce papers in our own separate places and be done with each other. He would never have to know.

  The loud shouting from the bunks startled me. I strained to hear who was yelling. It was Ethan's voice like I had never heard it. Loud and shrill, like he was dying. I stepped out of the bathroom to see what was going on.

  “Where is it, Spence
r? I saw you with it! Where the hell is it?” He was screaming at the top of his lungs. There was a loud crash.

  “Dude, calm down.” One of them started but I heard a loud thump and more Ethan screaming. I moved to the front of the bus, where everyone was standing, yelling, and trying to get out of his way.

  I looked to the front and saw Seth talking to Bill, shaking his head. Bill reluctantly opened the door. We must be close to leaving. Seth ran down the stairs, with the rest of Cruel Distraction and my bandmates following fast behind them. I was about to ask what was going on, but they were gone before I could get a word out. When I turned back to Ethan, he was in the bunks now. More smashing sounds came from behind the curtain so I decided to just brave it and see what Ethan was freaking out about. I could probably calm him down.

  He didn’t see me at first. He was shirtless in just his jeans, searching frantically through everything. His muscles bulged. I could see his veins popping in his neck and arms. The bus had been turned upside down and ripped apart. Everyone's suitcases had been opened and ransacked. Garbage was everywhere, I saw a shirt that had been ripped in half. I stood there in shock, taking in the scene.

  Eventually he saw me and turned. His face was contorted in pain and anger. He was breathing heavily and visibly shaking. I was actually frightened. He reminded me of a feral dog, ready to attack for a piece of steak. His eyes were dark, his pupils were huge.

  “Where is it? Did you take it?” He accused me.

  “Of course, Christian got to you too huh?” He answered himself and went back to digging through someone’s suitcase.

  “Where’s what? Ethan, you’re shaking,” I stammered, still shocked. He snorted and jumped over all of the mess and came face to face with me. He looked into my eyes and I was terrified. He was a maniac.

  “My box. Where is my box, Cleo?” He gritted his teeth as he pressed his forehead to mine. His face was shiny with sweat that covered his entire body. I pulled away, the pressure on my forehead was starting to hurt.

  “That wooden box? I don’t know. I haven’t seen it. Do you really need it? I saw you at the show,” I told him, crossing my arms. I tried to stay calm and not show my fear. He started to laugh like a mental patient, moving away quickly to open a cabinet and throw out all the food in it. I flinched when a bag of chips flew past my head.

  “Don’t tell me what I do or don’t need,” he said through gritted teeth. I took a step away and he turned.

  “Help me find it! Please, baby please. I had a full eight ball for tonight.” He moved back to me, pleading with me. His eyes huge and watery. I shook my head and backed away towards the curtain. With a gasp his face brightened and moved around me to open a guitar case, where sure enough the box he wanted was.

  As if I wasn’t even there he pushed past me to the lounge and plopped onto what was left of the couch and opened the box up. I stood frozen to the spot as I watched him pull out a little clear baggy with white powder inside. He dumped it carefully onto the coffee table and dug back in the box for a credit card. He started to cut the cocaine. I didn’t know what to do. I had never actually seen him use before. Only the before and after. He didn’t even seem to see me. It was as if I didn’t exist. It was just him and the drug.

  When he was satisfied, he pulled a twenty-dollar bill from his wallet and rolled it up. In one quick, smooth motion the white powder disappeared. He snorted two full lines and then sat back relaxed. I didn’t move until Christian touched my shoulder. I hadn’t even seen him come back in.

  “You weren’t supposed to see this. I’m so sorry Cleo, go for a walk or something. We have to clean him up,” he said gently. I nodded and in silence left the bus. Too stunned to even think. I was pregnant with either my cruel husband or my cocaine addicted boyfriend’s child. Where did I go from here?

  Leaving the bus, I found the sidewalk and started walking, going nowhere in particular. I walked for almost a hour before Ethan suddenly joined me. I wasn’t ready to talk to him. I was still in shock from what happened on the bus. He was panting from trying to catch up. I glanced over and saw he was gleaming with sweat. His eyes told me he was still high as a kite.

  “Cleo, can we talk? I never wanted you to see that.” I stopped and glared at him.

  “See what? You doing cocaine? Destroying everyone’s things? I don’t want to talk to you right now. I can’t handle this.” I cupped my hands over my ears and started walking again.

  “Handle what? You act like this is all new to you. Did you really not know what I was doing all summer?” He shouted at me. I turned around.

  “I didn’t…”

  “Oh, don’t give me that crap. You knew. You just didn’t want to see it,” he stalked over to me. “You didn’t want me to be exactly like him.” I blanched and moved away.

  “Go to hell,” I sneered. He laughed, shaking his head.

  “What? Can’t admit it? Yeah, I’m not perfect, Cleo. So I do a little blow to make me feel alright. So what? I’ve never asked you to try it. You don’t have to be involved in this. Cleo, stop! Please, don’t leave,” he cried as I continued walking. I didn’t turn back, I was afraid of what I would say. Or what he would do. He was messed up in stuff I had no interest in. I couldn’t get involved in this.

  When I finally stepped back on the bus everything had been cleaned up. It was as if the whole scene hadn’t happened. Ethan was nowhere to be found.

  I decided to stay in the front with everyone to avoid getting forced to talk to Ethan again. About twenty minutes after me, he stepped onto the bus and we took off.

  He didn’t say anything, but his eyes were red rimmed from crying. Every time our eyes met I looked away quickly. I know he wanted to ask me if I’d still go with him to California. His drug habit was getting out of hand. I couldn’t handle that. I didn’t want to have that argument with him. By the look of him, he didn’t either. He kept fidgeting. All I could think about was whether it was the drug or my unspoken decision that had him so jumpy.

  This morning my choice was easy, but now I was on the fence. This morning I hadn’t known I was pregnant. I only had to worry about myself. I could do whatever I wanted with no consequences. Well not any consequences. This situation was the result of that kind of reckless thinking. I wanted to stay with Ethan, but I couldn’t be with him until he got help. Not with a baby on the way.

  On the other hand, when Chris finds out I’m pregnant he will assume it’s his. I am his wife. Of course it’s his baby. He’ll fight for me to stay. His mother always used to ask me when we would start our family. With her being sick he will do anything for her to have grandchildren.

  If I stayed in my marriage, Ethan would know I had slept with Chris. He wouldn’t understand why Chris would take me back, pregnant with another man’s child. Ethan would be crushed. I couldn’t tell him.

  I was so frustrated with myself. I can’t believe we didn’t use a condom. Ethan would think I had lied to him about everything. In his eyes, I would be everything Christopher had called me that night.

  I could never ask Ethan to drop everything to be a father. Did he even have a solid place to live? He was a traveling musician. I couldn’t expect him to give all that up to do this with me.

  He was not ready for something like this, we were both still kids. I couldn’t force it on him. He had his own issues. I wish I had known the full truth before now. Knew how bad his addiction was. No, I thought back on this summer. I had known, but I wanted to pretend I had no clue. The signs were all there, but I ignored them all for my own selfishness. What would I have done if I had acknowledged it, though? Would I try to save him? Glancing at him I knew the answer. No, that wasn’t my place. Ethan's demons were just that. Ethan’s. He would have to do that on his own. Nothing I could have said would have helped him.

  Suddenly, he stood and came to sit by me. I moved away reflexively. I didn’t want to be around him right now. I wanted a beer so bad, just to take the edge off. I argued with myself. I was only a few weeks pregnant,
but I was aware that it was in there. I couldn’t have a drink in good conscience so I opted for water. Only Adrian noticed. He smiled warmly but moved on quickly.

  After the bus was cleaned up, everyone just wanted to relax and party. Just Cruel Distraction and Maria Maria, for the last time. No crew or fans. I doubted anyone had any intentions of going to bed tonight, so I decided to grab my blanket and pillow and move to the very back of the bus to try to relax and think. I left Ethan in the front with the rest of the party.

  I remained stressed and restless. I had such dreams for us. We were going to follow each other on tours. We’d collaborate on more music. Maybe even rent a place together.

  I wanted that life more than anything. Now I would be changing diapers while writing songs at home. Would I ever tour again? It was doable. I knew women who toured while their children stayed home. Who would I leave the baby with though? I wasn’t close to any of my siblings. My parents wouldn’t do it. They were way too old.

  Maybe I could try to make Christopher and I work. I couldn’t raise a baby on the road. With Christopher, I had a home. He wanted kids, he would be happy. Ethan would freak if I told him. He didn’t want kids. I curled into a ball and tried not to cry.

  Ethan suddenly opened the curtains and came to lay with me. He climbed behind me so he could wrap his arms around me. I tried to pull away, but he held on tightly.

  After a few moments of remaining stiff against him, I relaxed into his arms. I would miss this, I thought. I really would.

  “You’re not coming with me,” his voice hollow. I tried to stop the tears. It was easier to talk while facing away from him. I shook my head slowly.

  “This was one of the best summers I have ever had,” I told him truthfully. I smiled and laughed a little through the tears. He squeezed me tighter. I think he knew that I needed him to right now.

  “Mine too,” he paused. “Cleo, I…” he started but I couldn’t take it. I couldn’t stop the sobs. Pulling away I stood up and held up my hand for him to stay as I tore open the curtains and left quickly.