Missing You, Missing Me

by Paige, Tylor

  I stared blankly at him. What, was I supposed to be the perfect, doting wife now? Was I supposed to hold my head up high because he decided to stay with me and not her?

  “I am going to be a very successful man someday, Cleo. I am going to win this upcoming election for the board. I’m in line for the Senator position in five years. It’s almost a sure thing,” he told me proudly.

  I didn’t say anything. Was this really what I wanted for myself? A politician's wife? Would I still be able to travel and play music?

  He reached for my hand, and I pulled away. No, this wasn’t going to work. I couldn’t do this anymore. I didn’t want to. Just as I was scooting out of the booth, I heard a very familiar song come on from the speakers. It was a Duchess song. ‘Crocodile tears.’ He looked up at the ceiling and smirked.

  “Isn’t that his girlfriend in the video? I heard she’s going to do her own song with him.”

  I blanched. That couldn’t be true. He would have told me. Chris saw my confusion, and he enjoyed it.

  “He didn’t tell you?” He mocked. “It’s been all over the news.” My mind went blank. Who could I believe anymore?

  Christopher took my hand and flashed that perfect smile at me. Memories of the good times rushed back, making me sit back down and ask him “Have you really changed?”

  He relaxed and smiled triumphantly. He knew he had won. My head drooped as I knew it too. Chris was like a deadly drug to me. I hated him so much but seeing him here in front of me, it was impossible to end things. I wanted to give him a chance. I needed to. I didn’t want to throw three years down the drain.

  “Well, I took a step back and decided to clean up my act. I’ve spent most of my time with mother. She was the one who told me to come apologize. I can’t win the seat without a wife and kids. I need you, Cleo. I can’t do this without my girl.” He smiled, revealing a perfect set of teeth. He was always the most handsome when smiling. That was also when he was the most dangerous.

  When I first met Christopher, I thought he was a model. When I first saw him in just his underwear, I was convinced he had posed for Calvin Klein. He was gorgeous from head to toe. Washboard abs and a tan you only get from being on the beach all day every day. I fell hard for him. I looked at him, across from me. Despite him doing so many ugly things, I still found him attractive. He had excellent bone structure and eyes the color of granite. His nose was straight as were his teeth. He kept his blond hair cut and styled just right. He could walk outside and be ready for a photoshoot right now.

  He leaned forward and took my hands. Holding my gaze, he winked at me. The wall I had built around my heart crumbled. The look on my face must have pleased him because his smile had turned into a full grin. He squeezed my hands and then pulled away to use his hands to tell me more about what I had missed while on tour.

  “I’ve been fixing up the house like you always asked. The master bath is completely remodeled. A pool is in the works. When you come home, you’ll see. I’m a changed man, Cleo.” I looked into his eyes and the face of the handsome man I fell in love with. Like before, all my reasoning went out the window.

  We left without getting our food. After driving around the city, I realized that he wasn’t taking me to his hotel. He drove us to an empty parking lot, parking us towards the back where there were no streetlights. I felt like a teenager making out in the car. Thoughts of Ethan singing with Duchess sat at the edge of my mind, pushing me towards my husband and I didn’t know how to handle it anymore. I just needed to feel wanted and right now, Christopher wanted me.

  Christopher was on a mission to get me naked as quickly as possible. “It’s like you knew I was coming, wearing that today. You look so hot. I don’t even care that you wore that in public. I forgive you,” he murmured as he nuzzled my neck. I wanted to laugh. He forgave me. I was worried for a moment, I thought sarcastically.

  His kisses suddenly felt disgusting and scalding on my skin. Everything about this felt wrong. I didn’t want to be here with him. I don’t think he even took his clothes all the way off, but he was almost tearing mine apart. I felt cheap. Like some whore he picked up off the street. I started to move away, but he bit my neck hard where Ethan’s name was. I let out a yelp, but he kissed it softly.

  “When you get home, we should talk about removing that.” I wanted to protest, but then he slipped his hand lower. I shuddered, suddenly remembering the good times. Before Holly, before the tour. I let him trail kisses down my body, giving in to his advances.

  Opening his door, he practically pulled me out of the car and onto the warm hood, his lips not breaking from mine. It was rushed, yet for the first time with Christopher I felt like he needed me. I thought he had missed me. He pulled down his pants and ripped my shorts down. They fell to the cement. This was becoming less romantic and more harsh.

  He was rushing now. I wasn’t ready. I told him that, and he groaned with frustration. His hand moved down to my sex. He slid a finger inside me and slowly moved it in and out. Nibbling on my neck, he continued until I was slick with arousal. I moaned when he pulled out. With almost no pause he replaced his fingers with himself. I cried out in surprise as he thrust into me. “Oh yeah, baby. You really missed me,” he murmured as he took me, thrusting in and out quickly.

  It had been so long since we had been together I was struggling to fall into sync with him. He took my grunts as those of pleasure. After I adjusted to his rhythm, pleasure began to build. I moaned and moved toward him to let him sink further into me. Just as my orgasm started to grow, I felt him stiffen and let out a loud groan. No! My body screamed as my big finish disappeared leaving me aching.

  I was frustrated, sexually and mentally. Why was I surprised? Instant guilt washed over me. It was almost three months since I had caught him with Holly. If he had ended things, then that meant it had been that long since he had sex. No wonder it was short lived. It couldn’t be helped.

  Removing himself from me, he buttoned his pants quickly. I wanted to hold him under the night sky, but Christopher started complaining about bugs, then the humidity. It didn’t bother him when he was pile driving me on top of the car, I thought bitterly. Putting my shorts on, I got back into the car. I waited for him to start driving. I had nothing left to say. My mind was blank. I felt empty inside. Once we were back on the road I asked him if we were going to his hotel, he hesitated before answering.

  “I’m going to take an early flight. You know how I don’t like being away from home. My business was finished this afternoon. I only stayed to see you.” He patted my thigh like he was rewarding a dog for rolling over on command, which hadn’t been far off, I realized miserably. He started to talk about the house and the things we were going to do when I got home. I stopped listening. I felt like garbage. He paused in his bragging to roll his eyes at me.

  “What is wrong now? I give you the world while you’re acting like a whore all over the country and I’m still the bad guy? I saw your video. They made you look like a slut,” he told me. I didn’t say anything. Was it true? I felt tears starting to come. I didn’t stop them when they began to fall.

  “Cleo, I’ve put up with a lot from you. I didn’t leave when you got his name tattooed on you. I allowed you to go on tour with him, and this is how you repay me? By screwing him on camera and letting everyone see it? You know how bad this looks for me?” He screamed. His hands were gripping the steering wheel tightly. I looked over at him and could see veins popping in his neck. I still didn’t say anything.

  Nausea rolled over me and suddenly, without warning, I bolted forward and threw up onto the floor. Chris slammed on the brakes and hurried to pull me out of the car. Letting me drop to the cold ground, he went to my seat trying to assess the damage. Giving up on cleaning it, he started cursing and storming around the car.

  “This is a rental, Cleo! An expensive rental! Why do I let you drink, God!” He kicked a nearby tree. Oh no, he probably just ruined his expensive shoes now too, I thought bitterly. I stood up shak
ily and wiped the vomit off of my mouth. Looking around, I recognized the area. The busses were right around the corner. Stumbling a bit, I started to walk that way, not caring if he came for me. I knew he wouldn’t. I left him cursing and screaming about the car and his whore of a wife.

  “I’m going to have to call a cab to come get us and take us to the airport,” he spat. I turned back around and glared at him.

  “I’m not going anywhere with you,” I said, and he turned from the car, stalking over to me. He put his hand under my chin and squeezed tightly.

  “Fine. Go be the slut everyone already knows you are.” I refused to let him see me cry anymore tonight. I pulled away before the tears could fall and started walking again.

  Did he even have business here, or did he come here for a booty call? No, I realized. It wasn’t even that. He wanted to claim me. To remind me that I was bound to him. He came to berate, belittle, and take me. There was no love there.

  I stopped at a fountain in the middle of a little plaza before reaching the busses. I washed my face and hands with the freezing water. I could still taste the bile in my throat. I leaned down and took a few mouthfuls of the liquid, gargling it. I didn’t care where it came from. It was better than the taste of vomit.

  I stood up and felt the dizziness from alcohol and no food returning. Moving slowly, I finished walking to the busses. Ethan was leaning against ours, fully dressed but shaking. He was high again. I could tell right away, but I didn’t care. I went to him and without saying anything kissed him. He pulled me closer and kissed me back eagerly. I wanted him. I needed him. Ethan was my cure. He could make me forget Christopher. I wanted to forget about everything but him.

  Even though we risked getting caught, I pulled his shirt off and his hands quickly went to my shorts. He played with the button, teasing me. I groaned and pushed myself against him, urging him to take them. He did as I wanted but then paused.

  “Make me forget,” I whispered into his ear. I kicked off my shorts. They hit the ground with a thud.

  “Cleo, I’m done stopping this. I can’t keep resisting this. Tell me to stop,” he warned me one last time. His voice barely audible, but still I could hear it cracking.

  “I don’t want to stop this time,” I told him, and that was all he needed to crush his lips to mine and push my back against our bus. I felt his need for me. He was just as desperate to be with me as I was with him. He unzipped his pants quickly and lifted me so I could wrap my legs around him.

  Seconds later he was plunging inside me. I gasped at the length of him. He gave me a moment and asked me if I was okay. No one had ever asked me that. I nodded and bit his shoulder lightly as he slowly started to move in and out of me. Pain quickly turned to pleasure. I closed my eyes, leaned back against the bus and let myself enjoy this. I moaned as he bit my neck where his name permanently was. Where Chris had bitten. Only this time it was loving, not full of hate. I opened my eyes and saw that his were locked on my face. He was so ridiculously sexy, concentrating on me. I pushed Chris out of my mind. It was only the two of us here.

  His rhythm turned quick and before I even realized my body was exploding around him. I gasped as my orgasm took me by surprise. My muscles clenched around him and he gasped. I clung to him as my body started to go limp. Suddenly he let out a moan, and I felt his body rock with his own orgasm. He let go of me gently to pull his pants up, and we fell to the ground in exhaustion.

  We held each other on the cold, hard pavement next to the bus. No one spoke as we caught our breaths. We were both in shock over what just happened. I leaned against him more. We were drenched in sweat.

  “I didn’t know what to do. I wanted to run after you…” he started, but I held up my fingers and then pressed them to his lips. He clutched me tighter. I couldn't tell if it was the sex or the drugs that had him sweating and shaking, but I didn’t let go.

  “I knew he was coming. You left your phone in your bunk, and it kept going off. I grabbed it just to shut it off, but then I saw his texts. I deleted the messages,” he told me. It was all making sense now. That was why he just showed up out of the blue. Why I had been so confused. I was numb to the whole thing now. I didn’t even care that Ethan had invaded my privacy. I kissed his bare chest, and he scratched his nose like a nervous tick. His eyes were dilated. He was high. My mood fell a bit. I hoped that he wouldn’t regret what we did when he was sober.

  The reality of what I had done hit me suddenly. I was a slut. Just like Christopher said. I slept with two men in the course of a few hours. How could I judge either man for doing the things they did? I felt disgusting. This was not how this was supposed to be! This wasn’t romantic or sweet. I had imagined roses, candles, or at least a bed. I just had sex with Ethan against a tour bus. I was just as trashy as the groupies that came around after the shows. Not only that, I was reckless. I didn’t think Chris used a condom. I should have asked. Oh god, what if he was still sleeping around and caught something?

  I realized that Ethan and I hadn’t used a condom either. Why would I do this? What happened to me?

  “We didn’t use a condom,” I said to him, my voice dead. He sprang his head up. His eyes widened in horror.

  “I was kind of in the moment; I wasn’t thinking. I am so sorry Cleo. I don’t even have one on me,” he told me.

  I was an awful person. I didn’t deserve Ethan Andrews. I deserved men like Christopher Thomas. I said a silent prayer that I didn’t just give Ethan some virus or anything else that Christopher could have gotten from his mistress. I sat next to the man I should have married trying to figure out what to do about the one that I did. If I told him the truth, I risked losing him. If I lied to him, I would know. It would always be in the back of my mind. I laughed out loud. It came out cold and harsh. Who did I cheat on? My husband, or my boyfriend?

  Chapter Eight

  Handle This

  The next few weeks went too fast. Christopher called every day promising he had changed, begging me to come back. At first, I ignored the calls. He couldn’t have made me feel any worse about myself that night. I couldn’t handle being berated again.

  The rest of the shows went great. My time spent with the guys was fun. We stayed so busy it was hard to dwell on my marital problems. With the release of the song came interviews and photoshoots. The video and the single went to number one on the charts. People were chanting the lyrics as we sang them every night. They made signs and t-shirts.

  Ethan and I talked about that night in Dallas. Although I didn’t necessarily regret what Ethan and I did, I wasn’t sure I wanted to keeping doing it. I explained to Ethan that I wanted to take a step back. Seeing Chris in the flesh made me remember the vows we took. I wanted a divorce before Ethan and I had sex again. He understood and agreed when I suggested we tone down the heat when in public. There was no need to make Christopher more angry than he was already.

  Chris sent flowers to a few shows with notes that promised things would get better. He would try counseling. He said if I gave him another chance, he would take anger management. Arguing with him was exhausting. In the end I would just sigh and agree to think about it, hanging up quickly before I could let him suck me back in.

  During interviews, Ethan and I sat next to each other. However, we never touched and made sure to bring at least one or more band members with us to remind the fans that this was a collaboration of the bands, not a love reunion.

  Of course, people would try to bait us. They asked all sorts of embarrassing questions. They tried to get us to slip up, reveal our true relationship.

  In Providence, Rhode Island about 14 weeks into the tour, a man and a woman from a magazine approached us before a show. We had been doing a meet and greet with some fans. The man was holding a giant camera over his shoulder, filming the brunette holding a microphone. She smiled widely and introduced herself.

  “Hi, I’m Candace from Bulletproof Magazine. Can we get a few quick candid words from you two?” She asked quickly. I looked at the ma
n behind her who was fiddling with his camera. She waved her hand at him like he didn’t really matter. “That’s Chase. The camera’s not on yet. I just want to ask some stuff about the tour, the song. Just a little something for the fans. Nothing formal,” she pushed. I looked at Ethan who smiled and shrugged.

  “Sure. We’ve got a few minutes,” he said and just like that Chase was counting down the camera. I took a step away from Ethan, but Candace quickly pushed me back towards him. She threw her arm around me and squeezed herself into the frame. It would have looked better to have her in the middle but having me and Ethan close to each other would make people think things, I thought. I was already regretting this.

  “Candace here for Bulletproof Mag, live in Rhode Island with the two hottest things in rock right now: Ethan Andrews and Cleo De La Rosa. I caught up with them during a meet and greet with the fans and they graciously gave me some time to talk to them. So Ethan, Cleo, what’s it like reuniting for the tour after a few years of not speaking?”

  I didn’t respond at first, so I looked at Ethan with a forced smile. He looked back at me, his eyes twinkling with amusement.

  “Well, it was definitely weird at first. I mean, we were eighteen when we were together, just kids really. But I think we both realized that it was years ago and just wanted this awkwardness to be over. So, we talked about it and decided to grow the hell up and be friends again,” he finished cheerfully. I smiled, thankful that he answered her. That wasn’t what Candace was hoping for. I saw her frown but that didn’t stop her.

  “Friends? I wish I had a friend like you. We’ve all seen the video. That is some hot stuff. Some people seem to think that you two have some residual feelings left,” she fished. It was my turn to speak. I smiled politely at her and pulled at one of my pink ponytails.