Missing You, Missing Me

by Paige, Tylor

  “You gave them spaghetti and left them alone! Adrian I’m going to kill you!” I swatted him as he hurried downstairs to the mess I knew awaited him. The twins absolutely loved to play around with the noodles.

  I sat in front of my vanity playing with my hair and makeup. I settled on a classic, and easy look. Thick black eyeliner, smoky eyes, and a dark wine-colored lipstick. Smiling a few times at my reflection I felt ready for this.

  I heard Adrian struggling up the stairs with the twins. “Are you staying the night with Mommy?” I heard Dallas’ tiny voice ask.

  “I don’t know. Does she have your other uncles stay the night?” He asked loudly, knowing I could hear him. He chuckled. If he didn’t have my children in tow I would have pushed him down the stairs. Although, I couldn’t stop the smile.

  “What uncles? We went to Uncle Eric’s,” Dallas replied. That started an argument with his sister over where his Uncle Eric was. Jimmy told her brother that he was at work, while Dallas argued that he was at the doctors. I was so happy that Adrian was here to listen to them tonight. All they did was argue. People say that twins are close and loving but these two did nothing but bicker.

  “I’ll bite you!” Dallas yelled, which prompted Jimmy to scream like she was being murdered. Adrian was trying to calm them down, but I could tell he was struggling. I debated going in there and ending the fight now. Instead, I took the stairs two at a time. Adrian deserved this, most definitely.

  I paced around the living room waiting for Adrian to come down. Finally the upstairs grew quiet and he slowly came down. He glared at me. “I hate you and your devil spawn,” he said, sinking down into the recliner.

  “You get used to it I guess,” I lied pushing my hair behind my ear. I sat down and turned to him.

  “Why does he want to see me? It’s been years. I don’t get it,” I said. I played with the bottom of my jacket. I had changed too much. I wasn’t the crazy carefree girl I once was. He would realize that right away. Adrian leaned forward to look at me.

  “Cleo, you crushed him. I never told you but for months he was constantly texting me and calling. Asking me why you took off. Why you went back to Chris. Was there something wrong with him? I finally told him to stop calling. He never got over you.”

  “What made you open your mouth this time?” I snapped. He shrugged.

  “Spencer pleaded his case. I felt guilty. I mean, come on, how long are you going to pretend you don’t know?” He asked me pointedly and I tossed a throw pillow at him.

  “I just don’t know what to do. I really don’t,” I moaned. He rolled his eyes.

  “You could always ditch your idiot husband. Take him for everything he’s got. You and the twins would be fine. Between me, Mark and Derek we would make sure you were okay.”

  I grew quiet. He wasn’t telling me anything I hadn’t already heard before. It wasn’t that simple. Chris had connections. He wouldn’t just let me leave. He would make me pay for any embarrassment he would suffer. It wasn’t money keeping me here. It was fear.

  I saw headlights through the window, and my stomach flipped. Was I really ready for this?

  “He’s here. Okay go upstairs or something. He’ll wonder why you’re here.” I pulled myself and him up. We hugged and he kissed my cheek.

  “Hey, I never thought to ask but what if Chris comes home? What am I supposed to tell him?” I snorted.

  “He’s been gone on a trip to New York for three days now. He’s supposed to be another four days which translates to seven to ten. You don’t have to worry.” He raised his eyebrows and shook his head in disbelief.

  “Okay. I swear if he shows up and beats the crap out of me I’m going to be seriously irritated,” he joked. I cracked a smile and rolled my eyes. He always knew what to say to help me. I was a little calmer now.

  “Got it. Now go!” I pushed him towards the stairs.

  “Okay, okay. Do you have like a puzzle or something for me to do?” He whined.

  “Go!” The doorbell rang and I flinched, cursing Ethan for possibly waking the kids up. Of course, he couldn’t have known though.

  I took a deep breath and went to the door. It rang again so I opened it with a forced smile. It instantly turned into a real one. Ethan was holding roses. He thrust them at me and I stumbled back with a laugh. I saw him gulp. Was he nervous?

  “I missed Valentine’s Day. I thought maybe we could start over,” he said. I wanted to, oh how I wanted to.

  “I thought you said no funny business.” I told him after I returned from putting the flowers in the house.

  “I lied.” He said with a grin. Something in his smile made my stomach flip. He opened the car door for me and I was even further impressed. He was driving a sleek black Cadillac. I commented on it and he shrugged.

  “It’s just a rental. I flew out here.” Once I snapped my seatbelt, he pulled away quickly and we started going towards downtown.

  “Where are we going?” I asked, breaking the silence. He brightened immediately and glanced at me.

  “What are you in the mood for?” I thought for a moment. It had been a long time since I got to pick where I ate. We started driving through town. I pointed to a small restaurant that I loved but Chris hated. It was locally owned. Blue collar ate there, he told me once. We only ate at the highest starred places.

  Ethan pulled into the parking lot and helped me out. He read the sign out loud. “Uncle Remus’. Sounds good.” I nodded excitedly.

  “They have the best fries. They use a special seasoning,” I told him.

  The restaurant was small, but full of customers. It was an old-fashioned burger joint. They had seats at the bar, and tables and booths scattered around. Everything was red or a crisp white. The smell of frying beef and fries filled the air.

  “I didn’t realize I was starving,” Ethan said as he inhaled deeply. A waitress came over and directed us to a booth. She gave us menus and told us her name was Chelsea. I waited until she left, then I leaned over to say quietly.

  “Chelsea Sometimes?” He laughed loudly.

  “It’s gotta be.”

  When Chelsea returned, we ordered our burgers and fries. I ordered water, but Ethan insisted on sharing a strawberry shake with me. I grimaced but agreed. Keeping my weight in check now that I didn’t really exercise was difficult. Chris always noticed if I gained weight.

  Ethan put his hands on the table and gave me a smile. “You look great. Different, but great.” I blushed.

  “Thanks, you too. You look healthy.” He smirked. Chelsea brought our drinks. He took a giant gulp of his shake.

  “I feel healthy. I guess. Sobriety is different. I’m still getting used to it, but I like it.”

  “That’s good to hear Ethan,” I told him. He waved it away and smiled.

  “Enough about me. How about you, what have you been up to?” He asked. Where to start?

  “Not much, Chris is running for senator. That keeps me busy,” I told him lamely. He raised his eyebrows.

  “Ah, so you’re a politician’s wife now? Look at you, all domesticated,” he teased. I relaxed again. He wasn’t going to give me crap or dive deeper into things.

  “You don’t miss touring?” Oh, you had no idea. I looked away. I missed it more than anything.

  “A little. I still write music, it’s just for me though.” He shook his head.

  “You need to get out to Cali. You’d love it there.” Yeah, I probably would. We talked about lighter subjects while we waited for our food. When she finally brought our burgers, we stopped chatting and dove in. I almost moaned with how good the burger was.

  “You weren’t kidding. These fries are killer,” he said, dipping one in ketchup and popping it into his mouth. “How’s this winter been treating you? It’s been awhile since I’ve seen snow on Christmas,” he laughed. I looked up from my plate.

  “You were here in December? How long have you been in Michigan?” He shrugged. “I flew back right after Thanksgiving. Went to visit my mom. Pa
rt of my program. We had a lot of things to get out in the open.”

  “Oh. Well that’s good. Did it help?” I felt uncomfortable now. I didn’t want to pry.

  “Yeah, I think it did. We’ll never be as close as we were, but I think we’ll be okay. I told her i’d come back soon.”

  There was little talking while we finished our food. When we were done Ethan paid the bill and we left. Disappointment came when we got into his car. I wasn’t ready to return home. I had missed him, missed being Cleo.

  “That was nice. We should hang out more often,” he said, pulling onto the road. I knew what he was doing but I had to shut it down. As much as I wanted to spend more time with him, we couldn’t.

  “You live out west,” I pointed out.

  “Actually, I’m staying with Adrian right now,” he revealed. I whipped my head around. He didn’t turn, his eyes glued to the road.

  “What? Since when?”

  “A few days ago. We’ve been talking and when he heard I was in Michigan he invited me down and then offered his spare room.” Oh, I was going to kill him. I didn’t say anything for a while. I was stunned into silence. What was Adrian doing?

  “Ethan, this was great, but I’m married. My life is different now. I’m not the girl I once was. I don’t live that life anymore,” I told him flatly. It was the truth, and I hated it.

  “Was it because of Chris? Cleo, I don’t mean to be that guy, but you shouldn’t change for anyone. You’re a great performer. People still talk about the band. What happened? You guys just kind of dropped off the face of the earth.” I stayed silent. He was prying. Getting too close to what I intended on keeping a secret.

  “There were some things I couldn’t get away from. We still get together, but aren’t working on anything solid right now.”

  “You should, it would be fun catching a show of yours. Or we could always collaborate on something again. That video never was continued. Everyone always asks about it,” he said. I didn’t respond. After an awkward silence he moved on to talk about his own successful music career. I was so jealous.

  When we pulled into the driveway my stomach dropped when I saw that Adrian had turned some lights on. He had pulled his car to the back so Ethan wouldn’t have seen, but the lights were obvious. They hadn’t been on when he had picked me up. Ethan stiffened. “Is he home?”

  “No, he’ll be gone all week. It’s Adrian,” I told him and he didn’t question it. He parked his car and walked me to the door. I knew he was hoping I would invite him in, but that was out of the question. The twins could wake up and see him.

  “Thanks for coming out tonight, Cleo. It was hard for me when you left. I fell, bad. But I wanted to show you I was better now. I appreciate you giving me that chance.” I hugged him and kissed his cheek.

  “Sure. I had fun. I’m glad we did this,” I said lamely, knowing there was so much more I wanted to say. His eyes told me he knew it too.

  “Can I see you again?” He pleaded. I had to turn away before he saw me cry. I would never forget you Ethan, I thought. How could I?

  “I’ll see you around, Ethan. Maybe you shouldn’t stay with Adrian,” I told him before going inside quickly. Leaving him at the foot of the stairs.

  Adrian was sitting in my bedroom going through my things when I came in. He took one look at me and I burst into tears. I needed my best friend more than ever right now. He took my shoes and jacket off and started rubbing my back.

  “Shhh, calm down and talk to me. It’s okay,” he repeated until I was able to speak without my voice cracking. I told him everything. He nodded the entire time as if he knew this would happen. I hated him for it. Why did he talk to him? Why was he letting him stay with him?

  “Cleo, I love you. I really do. I only did it because you needed to see him. Now you have some kind of closure. You had your chance and you decided not to take it. That’s alright.” I nodded, too tired to argue. There would never be closure with Ethan. I scooted over and turned the light off. Adrian moved to spoon with me as we fell asleep moments later.

  In the morning I woke up, leaving Adrian in my bed. The kids were up early and being their normal terrible four-year-old selves. It was setting up to be a great morning, I thought sarcastically. I felt like Cinderella returning back to her house after the ball. The only thing is, I wouldn’t be trying on any glass slippers. This was my life now. I had to forget about last night. It would be like it never happened.

  Adrian came down shortly, dressed and grabbing his coat. “I have some things to do today but I’ll be free later tonight if you need me. I’ll call you later.” He came over kissed my forehead and then hugged and kissed the twins before running out. I glared at him.

  “Tell him to leave,” I demanded. Adrian glanced at me and muttered

  “Okay, sure,” before quickly leaving.

  I was cleaning the kitchen from the twin’s lunch mess when there was a knock on the door. Perfect timing, I groaned as I picked up a screaming Dallas. Jimmy jumped up to follow us to the front of the house. She held tight to my t-shirt yelling that whatever she did wasn’t her fault. The knock came again, so I called that I’d be right there.

  It was probably some important papers from his various business partners. We got packages constantly and someone had to sign for them. I ripped the door open, irritated already by the sudden interruption of our afternoon. I was ready for the twin’s nap more than they were. I looked up and nearly dropped Dallas. My blood ran cold as I stared at Ethan.

  His mouth was agape looking at Dallas. He took a step back in shock. He shook his head slowly, eyes bulging out of his skull. He stared hard at the little boy in my arms. As if trying to count the similarities.

  He saw what I saw. What Adrian, Mark, and Derek all saw but refused to say aloud. He saw the raven black hair, porcelain skin, and baby blue eyes.

  Chapter Twelve

  Too Late

  I didn’t know what to do. I wanted to run inside and pretend this wasn’t happening, but he knew. He knew. I stayed silent, letting him take in the sight. My pulse was hammering in my ears. Time had stopped.

  Finally he cleared his throat, his voice cracked as he asked me the question I didn’t want to answer. “How old?” He croaked, his voice breaking like a teenage boy. He held another bouquet of flowers in one hand. I only noticed because I saw that his hands were shaking. Petals fell to the porch. Ethan turned around, looking towards his car. He was starting to panic.

  “I have to get him inside. I’ll be back,” I told him quickly. I tried to shut the door but as I was backing up Jimmy called out from behind me.

  “Mommy, it’s snowing, I need my mittens! Don’t leave me!” Ethan's eyes jerked to look at the little girl hiding inside. He opened his mouth and then shut it quickly. His face was white as a ghost. I sighed and closed the door on Ethan.

  I climbed the stairs, rushing to get the kids down. Dallas fell asleep almost instantly, while Jimmy wanted water and a bed full of animals before she would take her nap. Grabbing the monitor, I went back downstairs. I found Ethan sitting on my steps, his shoulders collapsed into him, his head in his hands. The flowers lay next to him crushed and wet, like Ethan. He was shivering. I didn’t know if it was from the cold, or if he was crying. I was tempted to run back inside. I never planned on having this conversation. He wasn’t supposed to find out.

  It was snowing, as Jimmy had pointed out. The snow was light, barely a dusting. Before I walked outside I quickly put on boots and a jacket. Shivering, I went to sit with him. I didn’t say anything. He felt my presence but didn’t look up.

  “Which one is mine?” He demanded harshly. I smirked.

  “Both.” Ethan’s head whipped up to glare at me. Tears in his eyes. His face was contorted in confusion and pain.

  “Both? They’re twins? They’re…” I nodded. Shaking his head, he began to laugh. It was a dry and humorless.

  “What’s so funny?” I asked.

  “I’m a twin. My brother was 27 minutes
older than me.” He shook his head again and put his forearms on his knees. I had no idea. Why had I never known that? “So what, are they five?”

  “In April. Ethan, I need to explain.”

  “No, I get it. It makes sense now. Everything. You knew. When I asked you to come with me, you knew you were pregnant. That’s why you ran. I was in bad shape. I didn’t mean to get that way in front of you.” He turned his sad eyes to me. “That’s why no one would tell me anything about you. Good thing too. I would have brought you down. I only got worse before I finally went to rehab. You didn’t need to see that.” I touched his hand and he flinched, pulling away quickly like I was on fire.

  “The only thing I can’t figure out is why you are still with him. This could have been your way out. Not saying you had to come with me, pregnant and all. But why would he want to raise…” His voice trailed off with the realization. His eyes grew wide again, turning to anger.

  “He doesn’t know, Ethan. That’s why I stayed. He wouldn’t just let me go knowing I was pregnant. All he ever wanted was a family, I couldn’t leave,” I lied. I could have, but I was too scared to do it alone.

  “How could that be? You came home pregnant. How could he think they would be his if he… oh God.” He leapt up. His eyes bulging, realizing everything then. His hands went to his face. He pulled on his cheeks in frustration.

  “That night. When you came back and we… against the bus. Jesus Cleo! You fucked us both? Fuck!” He let out a cry of anguish as he started pacing again. He kept sideways glancing at me, his eyes were blazing with fury. The look on his face was pure disgust. He made me feel like trash. It wasn’t my proudest night. My silence wasn’t helping.

  “Ethan. You said yourself you were in no shape to raise a child, let alone two. I had to make a choice. It hurt me too! The only difference is you didn’t have two constant reminders of me staring at you. For the last four years I have had to look at them and see my biggest mistake. I should have told you yes, but what would you have done? You were just getting big and I couldn’t take that from you. I was the one that screwed up. You didn’t deserve to have your future stolen from you for this!” I motioned to the house.