Missing You, Missing Me

by Paige, Tylor

  California. That's where I needed to go. I knew Adrian missed Mark and Derek too. If it wasn’t for me, he would have stayed. California; I repeated over and over until I was almost asleep.

  Chris came to my door, knocked and when I didn’t answer fell to the floor where he continued to sob. Then the pounding started. He went on to tell me how worthless I was. That I was never famous, and that I couldn’t sing. He was the only reason I wasn’t on the streets. He had seen my bank account and knew I was broke. I was nothing without him. I was stupid for naming the twins ridiculous names. On and on it went until he started crying again. He passed out leaning against my door.

  He was gone by morning. Somehow he managed to wake up in time for work. He left a note saying he was going on a business trip. He would be back in a week. What a surprise, I thought bitterly. I wondered if he treated her the same way, or if it was just me he hated.

  Chapter Eleven

  Make Believe

  Life was tense in the Thomas house, but that was nothing new. Chris came and went as he pleased. There were no major arguments, we simply coexisted.

  Thanksgiving at Eric’s was lovely. He insisted the entire band come, since they had flown back to see their families. Mark brought Renee, who was a doll.

  Eric to my surprise had his own guests. I was unaware he had a girlfriend. Debra was a stunning, elegant woman. With a supermodel body, olive skin and a flawless face, I was shy at first. However, she was just like her boyfriend; beautiful yet kind.

  We ate, drank and talked long into the night. It was a night filled with no stress from Christopher. It was the first night in a long time I had really enjoyed myself.

  After Thanksgiving, came Christmas. The plans were to join him at the Senators Christmas Eve ball. Chris was so excited. He had picked out his suit and I was going to look for a gown to match later that week.

  However, one night he came home unexpectedly. Storming in, he slammed the door shut so hard the windows rattled. I ran to see what had him so angry. “What’s going on? I thought you were in Detroit?” I questioned. He threw his suitcase and jacket down.

  “The Senator’s assistant just called. The ball is canceled. First time in over a decade,” he spat. I didn’t respond. Why did this make him so angry?

  “Did they say why?” I asked hesitantly, following him into the den. He went to the bar, grabbing a tumbler and quickly pouring himself three fingers of bourbon.

  “Some family emergency. He hopes we understand.” His voice dripped in sarcasm. I went over to him and put my arms around his shoulder. His body was stiff but after a moment he softened.

  “That means you can be here with us. The twins will like that.” My tone was desperate. Please, stay. I didn’t want to spend Christmas alone; I silently begged.

  He pondered it, then took my hand and squeezed it. His touch was gentle for once. I only flinched a little.

  “Sure. That sounds great honey. We can get pictures taken. Perhaps send out Christmas cards.” His mood shifting from fury to the old Chris.

  He spent most of December with us. We baked cookies, went sledding, watched Christmas movies. He treated us like we were his world. It reminded me of when we had first gotten married. This was how it was supposed to be. It was perfect. We even made love on Christmas. I had my husband back.

  Christopher sent cards to everyone. Our pictures were plastered all over the local news and papers. The picture perfect family. According to Christopher's campaign managers, he was now leading the race by a landslide. The other man, Michael Ross, was barely keeping up.

  We had plans to spend New Years Eve at home together, but Chris was so thrilled about the numbers that he couldn’t stay still. His friends invited us out, but it was too late to arrange a sitter, so I stayed home. He truly seemed sorry about it. He was too excited to stay at home. He wanted to celebrate, and I understood that. I let him go with the promise that he would be home around two or three am. He didn’t come home until evening the next day.

  With barely a full month under our belt, my dream deflated, life returning to status quo. He began taking long business trips again, while I pretended to not care that my heart was broken.

  * * *

  The new year had started and with that came the depressing, reoccurring thoughts that I was going nowhere. This was all my life was now, and I just had to accept it. I told this to Adrian, who had come over for dinner to celebrate Valentine's Day with me. We were both solo for the holiday, so we figured we might as well spend it together. I saw him more than I did my husband these days.

  He was just about to scold me and tell me to leave Chris again when his phone went off. He quickly pulled it out, looked at the message, typed a reply and shoved it back in his pocket. I gave him a knowing smile.

  “Ooh, who was that?” He rolled his eyes.

  “It’s a secret.” I raised an eyebrow and he shifted away from me.

  “I didn’t know we kept secrets from each other,” I accused playfully, but Adrian didn’t catch my tone. He shot back quickly.

  “Really, so how exactly did you get that bruise?” He poked my arm where four small, purple circles were clear on my skin. From where Christopher had grabbed me the last time he was here. I had wanted to visit my parents, and that had started an argument that led to him grabbing me to stop me from walking away. I pulled my sleeve down and glared at him.

  “I was just kidding. Calm down. Keep your secrets,” I told him and turned back to the television. His phone went off again and he shot back another response. I was officially annoyed now. He suddenly stood up.

  “Hey, I’ve got to go. I’ll see you later,” he said. I got up with him and walked him to the door, confused.

  “Did I do something? What’s wrong with you tonight?” He shook his head, fumbling with his keys.

  “No, I’ve just got a lot on my mind. Promise me you won’t hate me?” He said, reaching for the door handle.

  “For leaving? I mean, I’m a little bummed but it’s whatever. They’ll be more weekends. Go get laid,” I joked. He shook his head.

  “No, it’s not like that,” he hesitated, as if he wanted to say more. I stared at him impatiently.

  “Just remember that I love you, alright?”

  “Why do you keep saying that? I’m starting to think you really do have a secret,” I said, but he just stared blankly at me. After a moment I nodded and he kissed my forehead as we hugged goodbye.

  * * *

  The snow was lightly falling the next morning. I stepped out of my room with the desire and plans to spend the Saturday on the couch with hot chocolate and a book.

  The twins were their usual chipper selves. They wanted cheesy eggs for breakfast, but as soon as they were placed in front of them they wanted French toast. I sighed as I sat down to make sure they ate. If I didn’t, they would revolt against me and make a mess on the floor.

  We spent the rest of the morning playing cars and restaurant. I stepped away to start preparing lunch and when I peeked back in, they were both asleep on the carpet.

  Placing them in their respective beds upstairs, only then did I sit in my recliner to continue the book I had been working on since January. I let out a breath of relief, enjoying the silence I knew would only last a few hours at best.

  However, as soon as I reached for my book there was a knock on the door. I sighed, looking down at myself. I was in worn, baggy sweatpants and a dirty black shirt with a giant bleach stain on it. My hair was a big bundle of mess on top of my head. Great, I thought. I went to the door and unlocked it, opening it quickly before completely freezing. My breathing stopped completely as I stared into familiar blue eyes. There in the flesh, for the first time in almost five years, was Ethan Andrews.

  I panicked. He had his simple, shy smile on his face. The one I fell for so long ago. It took me well over a minute before I snapped back to reality. Stepping forward, I closed the door softly behind me.

  We stared at each other for a long time. It felt li
ke an hour. He was still just as handsome, if not more than before. Ethan looked healthy. His eyes weren’t as gaunt and his posture was different. He was wearing a black jacket with tight jeans. His jet black hair was longer now on all sides of his head. He tossed it back with quick movement of his hand. He was still so ridiculously good looking. Sticking his hands in his pockets, he rocked slightly on the heels of his black boots.

  “Hi.” Ethan finally broke the silence. I still couldn’t say anything. I didn’t know what to say. I never thought he would show up on my doorstep. It was so quiet I felt like we both could hear my heart trying to thump right out of my chest.

  “Hi. Uh, how… why… what are you doing here?” I stumbled. His cheeks turned a slight shade of pink. He didn’t say anything for a moment.

  “Part of my program is to apologize to people I have wronged. You were on my list,” he told me.

  “Why? I left you, remember. I should be the one apologizing Ethan,” I told him, crossing my arms. I remained against the door. He shrugged, looking more and more uncomfortable.

  “Look, either way I just wanted to see you and show you that I’m clean now. Six months. I’m not the same person I was before. I lost the one good thing in my life because of it and I was hoping I could take you to coffee or something.” I was too stunned to speak. Coffee? How did he even find me? I was Maribel Thomas now. I had buried Cleo deep inside me. Suddenly I realized how he had found me. Adrian.

  My blood ran cold. Did he tell him? He wouldn’t. Would he? I closed my eyes. This is what Adrian was talking about after that Murphy concert, and then again last night, about not hating him. That’s who he was on the phone with. It hadn’t even occurred to me that Ethan was probably out of rehab at that time, and that Adrian would be talking to him. Why would he do that?

  “You spoke to Adrian,” I said, not asking. I already knew. He shook his head and smiled shyly.

  “Kind of. I tried calling your friends for a long time after the tour, but they wouldn’t give me anything. After my overdose, Spencer called Adrian. Then when I got out of the center, Adrian called me. We’ve been talking off and on the last few months. I mentioned that I was in Michigan to see my folks for the holidays, and he invited me to his place to catch up,” he paused, clearly nervous. I just stood there, listening to all the puzzle pieces fall into place. That was why Adrian had left so suddenly last night.

  “I got into town last night. Spent the night over at his place. We talked a while and then he gave me your address. Once I looked it up I realized why I couldn’t find you, Maribel.” My name rolled out of his mouth, smoothly. I snapped my eyes shut. That was the point, I thought. This couldn’t be happening. Not now.

  “What exactly did he tell you?” I asked, keeping my eyes closed, I pinched the space between them. I wasn’t prepared for this.

  “About you? Not much, just the address. I didn’t know you were living under a different name. Your real name. I called him from the road to ask about it, but he said if I wanted to know how you were then I needed to ask you myself. He said you might have some things of mine.”

  Adrian thought he was so funny. Oh boy, he was probably laughing his ass off right now. I stood there, a mix of thoughts and emotions bubbling up inside me. Suddenly laughter erupted from my mouth. Dry, harsh laughter. This could not be happening. Damn him! Why would he do this? This was not the time to do this. Not now! Not ever!

  “I wanted to see if we could have coffee. Maybe dinner. Just to talk. No funny business,” he swore, holding his hands up in innocence. His eyes grew desperate, afraid I would dismiss him. When I finally stopped laughing, I tried to process what was happening. Everything about this was wrong.

  “Fine. I can’t right now. How about tonight?” I offered. He smiled wide, I blushed. I missed his face.

  “Yeah, of course. How about I pick you up at eight?” I nodded and he stood there awkwardly before I told him goodbye and went back inside. As soon as his car was gone, I called Adrian. He answered on the first ring. He had been waiting. Adrian knew he would be here today. Hate filled me, how could he? He knew how I felt about this. He promised me. I felt so betrayed.

  “What do you think you’re doing?” I snapped at him, before he could say hello.

  “Whoa, whoa, whoa. What are you talking about?” He asked innocently. I wasn’t in the mood for his crap right now.

  “You know exactly what I’m talking about. You need to be here at six. You’ll be watching the twins tonight.” Adrian laughed, which made me more angry.

  “This isn’t funny Adrian! What are we supposed to talk about?”

  “Well I don’t know. How about hey Ethan that jacket wasn’t the only thing I…” I interrupted him, not wanting to hear the rest of the sentence.

  “Stop! So help you Adrian, if you tell him about Jimmy and Dallas I will kill you.”

  “Yeah, yeah, alright I’ll be there. Is hubby’s bar locked?” I hung up, furious. How could he get ahold of Ethan? He promised not to say anything if the situation came up. It’s been five years, why would he choose to call Ethan now? It made no sense.

  I stormed up the stairs to the bathroom to look at myself. I was a mess. It had been so long since we had been face to face. He was still so handsome. No, even more so now. I on the other hand wasn’t what I once was.

  I worked hard to get my body back after the twins. My hips were a little wider, but my waist was still slim. I had hoped Chris would want me again and leave her finally. What a laugh. I rubbed my face. I could use some makeup, I thought. My hair and face needed washed. I looked tired and my cheek was bruised from Christopher’s hand. I sighed and after checking on the twins, I jumped in the shower to prepare for a night I prayed would never happen.

  Adrian showed up at five carrying two large grocery bags. I left the twins in the living room playing with Dallas’ train set to follow him into the kitchen.

  He plopped the bags down and started unloading them. Cheese puffs, pop, chocolate cupcakes, potato chips. I sighed, thinking about the sugar high I would be returning to. Licorice, chili in a can, frosting. What the hell was he making?

  “I’ll make dinner. You need all the time you can get to get presentable,” he teased. I put my hand on my hip, looking at the table full of garbage.

  “Is that so? What do you plan on making? Frosting covered cheese balls?”

  “This is for me,” he said as he continued unloading.

  “Well if you have control down here then I’m going back upstairs to, oh I don’t know, be away from you. I am still mad at you,” I reminded him. He turned to me with arms full of candy.

  “Okay, okay. You’ll thank me later. Just go and brood somewhere away from us,” he said just as the twins ran into the kitchen to see what Uncle Adrian was doing.

  As I sat in my bedroom I pulled out my old photo album. I was never one for scrapbooking, so it was just pictures of us from when we were kids and clippings from magazines and newspapers. It felt like I was looking at a stranger’s past. Was this really me once? I was so badass, and now I’m just a deflated balloon of a person. Chris had inhaled my happiness, only to grow bored quickly, tossing me away. The party was over.

  I stared at the very last page. It only had one picture. It was of the four of us. Mark, Derek, Me, and Adrian. We were sixteen. We were so happy, and so goofy looking. I smiled, looking at my younger self. My hair was short, my lips black. Adrian had just started bleaching his hair. Mark was going through a phase where he straightened his hair, and Derek was wearing pants with chains and straps. I started to chuckle. God, I missed them so much.

  I hadn’t realized I was crying until a tear fell onto the page. It was like taking a step through time. Back to when we were happy. I wanted to feel that again. Closing the book, I knew that this was right.

  As much as I was dreading it, I was a tiny bit excited. I didn’t want to admit it, but I missed him. I wanted to see him one more time. To feel young again. I wanted to talk to someone who wouldn’t ask me
constant questions about what it was like raising twins. In fact, he wouldn’t even mention it, because he had no idea they existed. That was how I intended to keep it. One free night away from Chris, the twins, my failed music career.

  Looking at the clock I saw it was 7:30. I leapt up and started rummaging through my closet. What was I supposed to wear? We never specified where we were going. Was I supposed to dress nice, or just my normal self? Finally, I gave up and called Adrian upstairs.

  “I have no idea where we are going. What am I supposed to wear?” I asked him and he grinned devilishly.

  “You’re nervous about seeing him. I knew you’d forgive me. Here let me see what you have. You need to start wearing skirts again, Mom,” he teased. These days I stuck mostly to jeans and hoodies. I glared at him.

  “Well, you don’t want to look… like that. So, none of these,” he told me, pushing half of my closet away in disgust. “The nicest place in town is a sports bar, so you shouldn’t wear something formal. What about this?” He held up my old leather jacket. Tossing it on the bed he grabbed a black and white striped tank top alongside my last good pair of skinny jeans.

  “You still have those black boots?” I pointed him to the back of the closet as I pulled off my sweats. He handed them to me as I finished getting dressed.

  “Alright, this isn’t bad. Now, your face. When was the last time you put on makeup?” He scowled. I shrugged, it had been awhile. “You’re on your own. Just because I like men sometimes doesn’t mean I can do makeup and hair.” I smiled. Ethan probably could, I thought. Remembering our night at the drag show.

  Adrian looked me up and down and kissed my forehead. “This is a long time coming. You need this,” he whispered to me. I smiled, he was probably right. “We probably shouldn’t leave the twins downstairs by themselves. They’re eating spaghetti,” he said, turning towards the door.