Missing You, Missing Me

by Paige, Tylor

  Dallas started playing first. It was a full-size instrument so he still struggled a bit at first, but he adjusted quickly to it. Ethan started to smile and looked at me with incredulous eyes. I looked back at him and tightened my grip on my mic. I opened my mouth and started singing the words. His jaw dropped.

  “You taught them Queen? Holy shi… cow! How?” He said after a second. He was using his hands rather excitedly. I just laughed and stopped singing for a second.

  “It was hard, but we have a lot of time on our hands. Can you play bass?” He nodded and I moved further into the room to pull out Derek’s guitar. Taking it, he set himself up and waited for a spot to join us. Once he started playing I grabbed for my microphone again and continued singing Queens ‘Now I’m here’. I turned to watch my children’s reactions. Jimmy looked confused but kept playing. It had thrown her off, understandably.

  We were used to just having the three of us in here. If Dallas noticed, it didn’t phase him. He was always so focused and it was like he had found his happy place in playing. When the song was done Jimmy hopped off and went to Ethan with her hands on her hips. Dallas kept playing, moving with ease to another song we had been working on. One of my own band’s songs.

  Jimmy’s face was scrunched up. “That’s Uncle Derek’s guitar. You’re not supposed to touch it,” she told him. He put his hands up, quickly removing the strap from his back and handed me the guitar.

  “He said it was okay. I called him. Did you like Ethan playing with you?” I asked after she calmed down, thinking for a moment. Dallas finally put his instrument down and came to stand with us.

  “I did! Mommy you sang the words great!” Dallas exclaimed. I nodded and hugged him.

  “When me and your Uncles come in here I always sing with them. I can sing with you more if you’d like.” I offered.

  “Okay, but Ethan will come too,” Jimmy demanded. I agreed, then took their hands to lead them out. They weren’t allowed to wander around in here. There was too much expensive equipment to let them explore without supervision.

  Looking at the clock I saw we had just enough time to get ready for school. Having Ethan to help me get them dressed was nice. Chris, in the four years since they were born, never once helped me with any of this. He would leave the room, pretending he didn’t notice I was struggling to wrangle both of them. With Ethan, we got out of the house in almost half the time. It helped that they were finally potty trained. We didn’t have to wrestle with them to put diapers on.

  Ethan joined me in my errands while we waited for preschool to be over. As soon as they were done we drove over to the music school. He was almost as eager as they were to go inside. I introduced Ethan to the instructors. Many of them recognized him immediately. They were so excited and bashfully asked for autographs. Without hesitation he took their pens and signed everything they asked. He even offered to help with the guitar class.

  “I can take a picture with everyone if you want,” he offered and they jumped to find a camera. I laughed and nudged him in the ribs. He feigned innocence. “What? I’m just trying to be friendly,” he said with a smile. I rolled my eyes and took the camera from the shy piano teacher.

  They set the kids in the front, the staff in the back standing up and they had Ethan in the middle of the picture. They organized the kids by classes so the twins were far apart. I saw Ethan look for them, and his face fell when he saw they weren’t closer to him. I felt a twinge of guilt as I was a little relieved. It would look bad if the picture leaked to the media. People would ask questions.

  When the kids were sent to their individual classes Ethan asked me if he could go with Dallas. Of course he could! That meant that for the first time since I started classes both of my kids would have someone there for them.

  As I was sitting in the corner watching Jimmy practice for the recital, I imagined a life where me and Ethan were parents together. A life without Christopher. My life could have been so different. Could Ethan be the dad I always imagined them having? I told myself that it was better this way, but only after two days I was already reconsidering.

  If I took the twins and left, revealing the truth, they would for sure lose whatever inheritance they were going to get. Christopher would probably try to take what little savings I had, or any rights to the band. He would get his revenge. I would be completely broke by the end of it all. That meant that I would have to figure out a way to support us quickly. I had no job and no high school diploma. The thought of being homeless was terrifying.

  I could go back to music, but it wasn’t as easy and glamorous as people thought. It would be awhile before I was making enough money to support me and the twins. It wasn’t possible.

  On the other hand, Ethan’s music career was still on the rise. He wasn’t a millionaire, but could still be some security for their future. If I left, I could also begin touring again, something I craved every day. I could get a nanny and we could tour together. Or even on and off, taking turns. I realized as the class ended that these were all pipe dreams. My music career was long over.

  That night, after the twins were asleep, Ethan and I sat at the table. There was cold silence between us. “We can’t tell anybody. Chris can’t know,” I reminded him.

  “Okay. I can deal with that. Just let me be involved. I never had that. It was just us and my mom for a long time. Then when she married Bob it wasn’t what we thought. He wasn’t much of a dad. I want to be the one I never had, even if they can’t know it,” he said, his desperate words hanging in the air. I wanted that more than anything.

  “I think we can figure something out,” I assured him, taking his hand in mine and squeezing. He raised his eyes to mine, they were filled with tears struggling not to fall. He left before they did.

  * * *

  “So he actually wants to help raise the twins?” Adrian asked me as he moved to sit on the couch with his glass of rum and coke. I had called him as soon as Ethan left. I tried to explain on the phone, but he told me he would just come over. I nodded, drinking my own. I sighed with pleasure. Adrian always made the best mixed drinks. Rum and coke was a pretty easy recipe, but he did something different I swore. I flipped the TV on and turned it to an old rerun.

  “Yes, and I want him to be involved too but if this leaks… I’m afraid of what will happen if Chris finds out the truth. It could screw up whatever is in that will and if he loses money because of this he will flip. Or worse, his campaign,” I explained. He nodded and looked at me thoughtfully.

  “And no one knows what she put in the will?” He asked.

  “I don’t think so. Christopher for sure has no clue. He’s the one that explained it to me. I think he’s actually afraid that she left it all to them, and none to him. I have a feeling he plans on trying to control whatever money they get.”

  “Okay, okay I get it. So that means that no one can officially know that the twins aren’t his.” I nodded.

  “But now that Ethan knows, he wants to be a part of their lives. Like a huge part,” I added sadly. I shouldn’t be sad that their father wants to be around, but it made everything so much harder.

  “When is the will read?” I shrugged.

  “Hell if I know. She died last April. Most wills take at least a year, and the more money they have the longer it takes.”

  “Well next time you go to Eric’s get him alone and ask him. Don’t let Chris know you’re curious. We don’t want you tripping on the stairs again,” he snorted. I punched him and handed him my empty glass. He stood up to refill both glasses.

  When he returned he continued, “So how has it been with Ethan? Like besides all the kid stuff? Is there still that crazy sexual tension between you two like before?” I shook my head as I gulped down my drink.

  “Oh no. I’m pretty sure he hates me. Ethan and I as a couple are officially done,” I mourned, the alcohol making me dizzy and emotional.

  “But what about you? Do you still have feelings for him? If he asked, would you run off with him? Or
whatever you guys do? You know I had no clue what was going on? Like before the tattoos. Me! Your best friend. How come you never told me? I’m still hurt over that.” He frowned, his eyes big and sad. I shrugged, it was weird with Ethan.

  “Maybe it was because whenever I got a boyfriend you guys turned him against me. It always turned into one long joke on Cleo. I needed someone who wasn’t just one of the guys. I wanted someone that was just mine,” I explained. I started to think back to our relationship before everything, when we were teenagers. We were only able to meet when the bands crossed paths on the way to gigs.

  “So, you diddled him for a while, then get his name tattooed on the side of your neck, then drop him for Mr. President?” He asked. I could tell he was getting braver from the alcohol too.

  “I wanted it to be just some fun we had when we got together. He wanted more. I was afraid,” I said, my voice dripping with regret.

  “What? Did he ask you to marry him?” Adrian laughed and when I didn’t say anything he turned his entire body towards me. “No! He proposed to you and you turned him down, and then married this guy?” I put up my hands to calm him down.

  “No, not quite. He found out that Chris had proposed. He was upset. He wanted more. I didn’t. So, instead we decided to get completely hammered. When I woke up, I had this.” I pointed to the side of my head where my hair covered his name.

  “Then the whole world saw his about a month later in that magazine. Everyone was trying to figure out who I was,” I laughed. Adrian stared at me with his drunken, non-blinking gaze. He then started to laugh as he finished his drink.

  “So you have no memory of getting it done?” I told him no.

  “You think I would soberly do something that stupid? That was kind of why I left. If we convinced each other to get tattoo’s together; what was stopping us from doing something even more stupid?”

  He shook his head. I know, I left an amazing guy because I was afraid to commit. Instead I eloped with a complete jerk I barely knew. Suddenly I hiccuped and the tears started. I sniffled but I couldn’t stop myself. I covered my face with my hands and let go. What did I do? I was so stupid! I thought being with Ethan would be a mistake, but it turned out that Chris was the mistake.

  Adrian leaned over and pulled my hands away from my face, wiping my tears away. I sniffled, trying to get myself to stop crying. After a few minutes I was calm enough that my cries were just hiccups now. He put his arm over my shoulder, rocking me calmly. He was always there for me. I loved him so much, he had no idea. I would never be able to repay him for loving me for the mess I was.

  “It’s okay love. In the end, it’ll all work out. We’ll have our house with the picket fence,” he promised.

  Chapter Thirteen

  Be Strong

  Ethan came by every day that week. The kids loved him. They always wanted to take him into my studio to play. It made me happy because they happily spent hours in there working on new songs. He came along to the classes, alternating twins. Now both of them had someone in class supporting them, although he enjoyed watching Dallas play more, but only because that is what he played. He never complained.

  Saturday came too quickly, and I knew Christopher was supposed to be home tonight. Now whether or not he did was a different story, but I had to prepare for it just in case. I had worked out what I was going to tell him as to why Ethan was around. I just hoped he accepted it and didn’t lash out.

  I sent Ethan home early, explaining that I needed to do this alone. Sure enough he showed up drunk and out of his mind. I was reading a book in the living room, waiting up for him. I didn’t want him pounding on my bedroom door. One of these days it would end up breaking.

  He stormed in, dropping his suitcase on the floor with a thump. I looked up and then went right back to my book. My initial reaction was to play the dutiful housewife. Smile, offer him dinner. On second thought, I realized he would know I was up to something. So instead, I didn’t get up when he entered the house.

  He grabbed the book out of my hands and tossed it across the room. I flinched. I should have been nice. He pulled me up and tried to push his lips against mine. I turned my head in time for him to press them to my cheek, leaving my face sopping wet. I couldn’t breathe, the smell of her perfume and the alcohol was making me sick.

  “I’ve been gone a week and you can’t get up to kiss me hello?” He demanded, squeezing my shoulders. I winced, but stayed standing. I needed to stick up for myself. I couldn’t keep living in fear of his hands. Ripping myself away, I glared at him.

  “How was your business trip? Did you have enough condoms, or did you have to go to the store? I tried to pack you enough for the week,” I spit out. He stood there, eyes bulging, trying to take in what I had just said to him. I regretted it immediately. Why would I bait him like that? I should have kept my mouth shut.

  “What did you say to me?” He demanded, and I started backing away towards the stairs. I just had to make it to my room. Once I was inside I could lock the door.

  “Don’t you dare. I know what you’re doing. You think you’re so funny with your little remarks. She told me you’d do this. Just because you’re bitter. I don’t see how. I’m giving you everything Maribel!” He bellowed, storming towards me. I turned and ran towards the stairs. I had made it up two steps before he caught my leg and pulled me down, hard. My entire body slammed into the stairs as my face bounced off each step as he dragged me down. I screamed out. He snatched me up, covering my mouth. I tried to bite him, but I was already feeling weak.

  “Shut up you stupid woman. You think you’re better than me? You wouldn’t have anything without me!” He screamed but I was already going in and out of conscience. The force of my head hitting the stairs had me feeling sick.

  He dropped me on the carpet. Stepping over me, he walked to the stairs. My entire body was throbbing, I stood up dizzily and made it to the couch before I closed my eyes and prayed for sleep.

  Jimmy woke me up by tapping on my bruised face. I groaned, opening my eyes. “Mommy, Daddy’s home. He said get up. We’re going to Uncle Eric’s.”

  I sat up slowly and let out a yelp. My entire body was bruised. I looked at my arm where I had landed. Purple. I lifted my pant leg up a bit and sure enough, purple.

  I didn’t know what to do. I was afraid to look at my face. It felt swollen, and my eye hurt to open. Instead of going to the bathroom I went to the kitchen where Christopher sat reading the newspaper while the twins ate bananas. I shook my head. Really, you couldn’t even fix them a bowl of cereal? My thoughts went to Ethan. He would have. Hell, he would have fixed them eggs and bacon.

  “Are you going to get ready? I don’t have time for your laziness today. Eric expects us in an hour. Oh, and put some makeup on. I think it’s time to get you some heavy duty cover up. You look ridiculous with all those tattoos. How am I supposed to take you out in public looking like trash? I want you to start covering them, you need to look presentable. Maybe we’ll even get you some of those invisible braces. Close that gap,” he told me. I turned to him, holding the empty coffee pot. I imagined swinging it at his head, his skull cracking on the tile. Instead, I sat it down and left the kitchen to get ready.

  Just as I had suspected, my entire face was black and blue. I gasped, holding in the sobs when I saw my reflection. I must have hit the stairs harder than I thought. With a sigh I took a quick shower, then began attempting to cover it up with concealer. I used an obnoxious amount but finally there was only a hint of yesterday’s fight. I took some medicine to reduce the swelling in hopes that as long as someone wasn’t looking hard they wouldn’t notice. I wasn’t going to cover my tattoos. Screw him. I certainly wasn’t going to get rid of my gap. It made me who I am.

  Of course, after I was ready, I had to struggle with the twins. The entire time I was getting them washed and dressed Christopher sat on the couch looking at his phone. Finally, we were all ready and loaded into his car headed for his brothers. Christopher was all smile
s as he drove.

  “Alright. I don’t want to see you flirting with that damn butler again. I’ll fire him. We don’t need people like that taking care of my mother’s house,” he snarled. I didn’t say anything. Glancing at him, I saw his face twitch.

  “I don’t know why you are so upset with me. I came home on time, just like I said. The boys wanted to go for a drink after the trip, but I told them you wanted me home,” he lied. I wanted to laugh. He had used that line a dozen times already.

  “We got a significant amount of work done for the campaign. Hopefully I won’t have to go away for a while. Running for office is hard Maribel. Once I win I’ll have more time for you.” Again, I ignored him, turning to look out the window.

  “You know, your constant moping around doesn’t help me. I’m gone night and day for this family and…” He started yelling and I snapped. I whipped my head around and glared.

  “Don’t lie to me Chris. I know damn well where you go. Why bother hiding it? There’s no point when I see her at the store. She smiles, grabs the wine you like, food you like and condoms. She likes to get in the same checkout lane as me, thinks it’s hilarious as she pulls out your credit card. Stop lying!” I shrieked, and Christopher slammed on the breaks, forcing me forward. I hit the dash with my head.

  The twins cried out, but more out of shock. I started to cry, not meaning to. I was in so much pain already, now my chest hurt from the seatbelt. I was getting a headache. He sighed and started driving again.

  “You must be mistaken. It was someone else in line with you,” he said, finishing the conversation. We drove in silence the rest of the way. When we arrived he went to the door, leaving me with the task of getting the twins out alone. I was so sore I felt like I was eighty years old with how slow my movements were. When I went to Dallas’ door he looked like he was going to cry. I wiped my own tears away and forced a smile.