Missing You, Missing Me

by Paige, Tylor

  “It’s a live show, but it’s going to be televised. We might end up on TV!” She told us excitedly. The twins started screaming. I smiled, as her intentions were good; but I was really starting to hate that guy. I glanced at the adults around the table. They each gave each other looks but no one said anything. Dita put her hands up in mock excitement and everyone followed suit with their own positive comments.

  “Sure. Sounds fun. I’m going to get ready.” I left quickly. I couldn’t take Derek’s noises as he inhaled his food any longer. I took a long shower, knowing that I would miss this on the road. When I finally stepped out and back into my room, I found Adrian and Dita rummaging through my things.

  “What the hell! Get out!” I threw my hair brush at Adrian. He dodged it and went to my suitcase.

  “I was thinking maybe that black jacket, those jeans and boots. Ooh and maybe this hat. He pulled out a big floppy black hat. Did you pack any of that? Here’s that jacket.”

  “What about a dress? Does she have any?” Dita asked him. They talked about me like I wasn’t there. I glared at them through my mirror as I brushed my hair. I saw them lay clothes out and give each other satisfied looks. They instructed me to wear them.

  “Fine, just get out!” I shouted and they left quickly, after making a mess of course. I could hear the rest of the guys downstairs as I got ready. Renee knocked and asked how I was doing.

  “Good, but I’d get ready faster if everyone left me alone,” I growled. She apologized and tried to back out, but I felt bad and told her to stay. She brightened.

  “I like that outfit,” she told me. I smiled, although I felt too dressed up for a day out with the kids.

  “Thanks. Adrian and Dita picked it out,” I admired myself in the mirror. I looked at my abdomen and tightened the shirt a bit, sighing. This wasn’t going to work. I needed a new wardrobe.

  “Where are the twins?” I asked, and she giggled.

  “Mark was going to try to curl Jimmy’s hair by himself. He has never done it before. I made him leave the bathroom while I did it.” I turned away from the mirror.

  “You’re curling her hair? I thought we were just going to a Murphy thing,” I questioned. Renee’s eyes grew big for a split second and then she smiled brightly.

  “Yeah, we are. But I was going to try to get family pictures of all of us before you leave. That’s why I want everyone to look great,” she explained. She really was the sweetest woman ever. Mark needed her. He was a lucky man. I thanked her and hugged her hard.

  “I’m glad you’re here. None of this would be happening without you,” I told her. She sniffled and thanked me. We were supposed to be relaxing all day but Renee had us on a tight schedule shuffling us from place to place. At dinner everyone was super energized and excited for the show. I just wanted to go home.

  “Who plays a kids concert this late anyways? Where are all the signs?” I groaned but no one answered as we drove into the parking lot.

  “Stop complaining and just come on,” Mark said when we started walking towards the venue. We got inside and found it already crowded. I told Renee to hold on to Dallas tightly. I had Jimmy on my side. We didn’t want to lose them.

  Seating was general so we found a spot that fit us all and sat down. The band currently on stage was some hippy dippy thing that didn’t interest me at all. I chatted with Mark about some video he saw online and sent to me last night. But I stopped short when I caught a bit of the conversation the people in front of us were having. There were two girls, barely eighteen I decided. They were holding their phones and talking loudly.

  “You really think they are going to be here?”

  “Duh, why do you think all those camera crew are here. Not for these bands. Everyone here is here for them.”

  “I heard he’s the MC. Like the host. For the whole thing. I guess he was the one who set it all up.”

  “My roommate is Seth’s girlfriend’s sister. She swore that they’d be playing. He’s out of rehab now. All that hosting stuff is just rumored.”

  “Yeah, but why didn’t they advertise it? Why wouldn’t they want people to know who was playing?”

  “Because he’s Ethan Andrews. He can do what he wants. If he wants to be the secret host of some charity thing then he can.”

  “So then maybe it’s all a rumor.” The girl conceded and frowned. The other girl shrugged, not seeming to care either way.

  “Probably. Honestly I think Beth got it wrong. Why else would the tickets for this be so cheap?”

  I turned slowly to look at Mark who looked so guilty it wasn’t even funny. Everyone in our row had stopped talking to listen to the girls in front of me. Their faces all looked identically guilty.

  “Is Cruel Distraction playing?” I asked loudly, not caring who answered. Girl one turned around. She didn’t look friendly but answered anyways.

  “Supposedly. I guess they got added to the list last minute. Who knows if it’s true though,” she said.

  “I thought this was a Murphy concert. For kids,” I said, looking at the girl in front but saying it loud enough for my friends to hear.

  “No. Well kind of. That guy is here. He’s in a punk band, like on the side. Nothing great, but him playing on that show helps with publicity. I think he may be an opener.”

  “I need some air,” I said and hurried away before anyone could stop me. I was furious. Why didn’t anyone tell me? I knew they were hiding something, but refused to say anything. Why wouldn’t Ethan tell me he was working on music again? I knew it shouldn’t be a big deal, but everything about this felt fishy. Like I was the only one not in on a secret. I didn’t like it.

  No sooner had I started out of the theater a member of security told me the show was starting. Sighing, I headed back in. I barely had a minute to stew. I debated going to sit with my friends, but I was too mad to be around them right now.

  I stood in the back and brooded while I watched some local bands play. Some were good, some weren’t. I did see Paul, who played Murphy. He was the singer of some band called Blue Hail. They weren’t great, but not awful either. After they finished their small set the atmosphere changed completely. I looked down at my watch and realized an hour and a half had passed. Based on what I was seeing the crew doing, they were preparing for the headliner. The cameras were turned on, the reporters started their intros. Stage crews flew around getting instruments ready. I looked back at my family. Family.

  It just hit me. They were looking back at me, all smiles. Waving for me to come back. They were my family. They loved me for the mess I was and vice versa. Whatever reason they had for hiding this from me, they had the best intentions.

  I joined them and tried to enjoy the show. I looked around. Adrian had his arm thrown over Dita, who was snuggling close. On my other side, Mark and Renee had the twins in between them. I caught them looking at each other with love in their eyes and then down at the twins. I smiled. I couldn’t wait until they decided to have a baby. Just like my kids, that baby will be showered with love.

  Suddenly everyone around us stood up and cheered for the band that had just walked on stage, all dressed in suits and ties. I gulped and my heart skipped a beat as I saw Ethan looking just as handsome as ever.

  He wore a suit that highlighted his toned muscles but still trim figure. His hair was freshly cut and styled. It reminded me of when we were younger, short on the sides, longer in the front and flopping in his face. I think this was the best look for him yet.

  “Hello Los Angeles!” Ethan called. I looked to make sure the twins still had their noise canceling headphones on.

  Jimmy looked at me with wide eyes.“Is that Daddy?” Pressing my lips together, I nodded. The music grew quiet. Ethan put the microphone back on the stand and turned to his bandmates. He made a motion with his hand, queuing them. They started playing one of their songs. They played low, as to not overshadow Ethan.

  “First off, I want to thank everyone who came out tonight to help support a great cause. I wil
l get to that later. We will be playing soon don’t worry. So let me hear some noise!” The crowd went berserk again. I had to cover my ears. When it died down he continued.

  “So as many of you know. I’m newly sober. Nine months,” he said shyly. “Now I did a lot of thinking in rehab. Where I had gone wrong and all the things I ruined in my life because of my addiction. Blah, blah, blah, you know the routine.” He flashed a small smile to the crowd and they chuckled. God that smile always made me melt.

  “They wanted me to talk. To open up. What was I trying to bury inside of me? What was making me want to torture myself so much? Well finally, after losing literally everything I cared about, I decided it was time to tell my story.” Continuing to face the crowd he took a step to the side. His band mates left their instruments and came to embrace him. They each hugged him tight and quickly left the stage. The entire venue was almost deathly quiet now. Suddenly a white curtain unfurled behind the instruments and a picture was projected onto it. I gasped with realization of who we were looking at.

  “This is Evan. My twin brother.” He paused as the crowd erupted in shock and confusion. They were looking at a picture of Ethan it would seem. Another picture replaced the first one. It was of both of them with their arms wrapped around each other's shoulders. This was the first time I had ever seen them together. A tear escaped my eyes.

  Only when put side by side could you see the difference in the two young boys. Evan was smiling wide, his hair cut shorter than Ethan’s. Ethan’s hair hung over his face and seemed to be embarrassed to be taking the picture. While Ethan wore the standard black t-shirt and skinny jeans every kid wore back then, Evan was wearing a bright yellow shirt and khakis. But despite their contrasting clothing choices, they still had the same gorgeous face.

  With a huge sigh Ethan continued. “Evan was gay. From the time we were about six he knew he was different. But we didn’t care. No one held it against him. It was just us and my mom at home and we embraced it. Evan was who Evan was.” He looked back at the photo of them together and kept talking.

  “But then a day came when someone did care. Someone who had become very important in our life. I never cared for the asshole but my mom did so I dealt with it. I was told to cut my hair, wear different clothes, to stop wearing face paint and to put down my guitar. Those were requests that every now and again I could adhere to. Because clothes don’t define me. I was still the same Ethan inside. My mother knew that and she loved me for who I was.”

  A third photo flashed on the screen. It was a family photo of Ethan, his mother, Evan, and Robert. Both twins looked identical now, with sharp, short haircuts and sharp blue suits. It was a very formal picture. No one was smiling in it.

  “The requests made upon Evan went a little deeper than changing a t-shirt. My stepfather wanted a normal family. He refused to accept the truth about Evan’s sexuality. It was blown up into a huge deal when before no one ever cared.” The picture changed again to a one of Evan in a wig, face full of makeup and a dress. He was on stage at “What’s The Password”. I pursed my lips, trying not to cry. He was doing it. Finally. I was so proud of him.

  “My mother didn’t care when Evan strode around our tiny little house dressed as Penelope Felony. She didn’t care that the police were constantly being called because I was playing my guitar too loud and that her other son was a fag!” He screamed to the crowd. They grew quiet again. He began pacing the stage. His anger was rising. I saw his fists were clenched tight.

  “But someone did. That person made my brother feel like less of a human being for three years. He threw it in his face that he would never be accepted. He treated him less than dirt. He made Evan miserable.” He stopped talking as another photo came onto the screen.

  It was Ethan, in a cap and gown. Diploma in hand, but what should have been a happy moment, was more somber. Ethan wasn’t smiling in the picture. His hair was a mess and he was wearing dark eyeliner. He was rebelling against them, I realized.

  “This is me on my graduation day. Alone.” His voice held no emotion. “Evan killed himself before this picture was taken. We weren’t even eighteen.” He paused for a long moment to let the crowd take in his words. Glancing around I saw shock and pain in people’s eyes. Many were crying right along with me.

  “See, Evan couldn’t live in a world without acceptance. He didn’t want to be hated. He loved everyone with all of his heart but the people that should have been there for him refused to be. Evan decided that his life wasn’t worth living if he couldn’t be Evan.” Ethan pinched the bridge of his nose, taking a deep breath to steady himself.

  “A huge part of me died that same day. He was my twin. He came into this world with me. We were ride or die. He wasn’t supposed to leave me! He never even told me what was going on. Sure, he hated it and complained but so did I. Evan had felt so low that he couldn’t even tell me what was going on in his head.”

  The picture was cut off the screen abruptly. Lights that had been dimmed brightened again and Ethan began to smile. He was so handsome when he smiled. My heart fluttered. He was finally telling his story.

  “A good friend of mine told me not too long ago that maybe I should use his story, his life for something good. Tell the world. I was hesitant at first, of course. Honestly she was the first person I had ever told about what happened to my brother. Hell, most of the world didn’t even know I had one, let alone one with my matching face.

  But sitting in that rehab facility, I started to give her words some real thought. Maybe I should use his story to help others. I could do some real good in this world. I didn’t want him to be forgotten and here I was covering him up all these years.” He began to pace again. Every eye was on him, no one dared even to cough.

  “When I got out of rehab I decided to get to work on something that I knew could help the world. Help people like Evan. The world has too much hate. The world has too many young kids who are afraid of who they are, afraid to be themselves and too many of them can’t live with that. There are too many Evan’s out there.

  With the help of too many people to call off right now, I want to announce that I have founded a charity in Penelope Felony’s honor. We made a safe house for teens and young adults who are gay, trans, drag, whatever. So no more kids will have to become homeless, unloved, or dead. I present to you Evan’s Place.

  The very last picture appeared. It was the building that he had shown me that night of the party. Although, this picture had been taken in the daylight. I noticed that they had added a sign in the front. EVAN’S PLACE was in giant letters, with FOR PENELOPE FELONY right under it, in a smaller print. Tears fell freely now. The crowd was silent for a very long moment but then suddenly erupted into screams and cheers. Everyone stood up and applauded Ethan for his courage.

  Ethan smiled, but I could tell it was forced. He had said what he wanted to. He was drained. I wanted to go to him, but it didn’t feel right anymore. We really were just strangers now. Friends, I guess. Our relationship wasn’t what it used to be. I hated that. I missed the way we were.

  When the screams died down Ethan clapped his hands and the rest of the band returned to the stage. I watched crew run across the stage to grab guitars, amps and anything else taking up space. What were they doing? Ethan walked towards the microphone stand. His bandmates stood in a row behind him. Their hands in front of them. I noticed the picture of the house fade and the white curtain was rolled up.

  They were on to something else now. After a moment he began talking again. Music from a sound system started playing. What was that song? It buzzed lightly in my ears. I could not for the life of me figure out that familiar tune.

  “One of the parts of the program I’m in is admitting all the bad shit I’ve done and apologizing for them. Now usually I skip that part. But I really need this to work this time. So, for everyone here. I have one last story for you. I promise I’m almost done. I’ll try to make this one quick.” He winked and in unison Cruel Distraction took off their jackets a
nd loosened their ties. The crowd went wild. Unbuttoning their shirts, they tossed them into the crowd. Then, about two dozen drag queens walked onto the stage from both sides. They surrounded the men.

  People gasped and screamed as four of them handed the band feather boas. Three black and one single red boa. That’s when I realized what song was playing. I cupped my hands over my mouth to stop from screaming. Ethan set the microphone into its holder and held onto the stand tightly, waving it around as he paced. Everyone else stood perfectly still.

  “I fell in love with a girl. But I was so high all the time she left. Broke my heart. But then I overdosed. They revived me and I realized I needed to make some amends. I looked her up and a friend told me that she had some things of mine that I might be interested in. For nostalgia’s sake, I went for a visit.”

  My heart stopped pumping. My eyes widened. What was he doing? Oh my God. It was all happening in slow motion. This was not the time Ethan. Not after that emotional outpouring. I could feel my head shaking. No, Ethan. Not now.

  “That same friend that helped me get ahold of her then, helped me today. I want to show everyone the reason I am going to stay sober this time.” Everyone in my row stood up. Jimmy and Dallas were bouncing out of their seats wanting to go see him. Then just like that Mark picked up Jimmy and put her on top of his shoulders, while Derek grabbed Dallas and did the same. Adrian jumped out of the row and began getting people to move out of their way so they could get down to the stage.

  People grew quiet. The whole place was buzzing with excited whispers. Security helped the twins up to Ethan, who was waiting with open arms. The three of them stood wrapped in a big hug, surrounded by half naked men and twenty drag queens. The crowd cheered and Ethan pulled away. Holding onto them tightly he faced the crowd.

  “Everyone, I’d like you to meet Jimmy and Dallas. My kids.” The crowd erupted. Ethan hugged the twins closer as they stared out into the crowd in wonder. He kissed them once more before Mark and Derek came to take them back. They left the stage, waving to the crowd. It was adorable. I stopped wiping my tears away. I let them run down my face, ruining my makeup. Renee and Dita moved closer to hug me. Ethan grabbed his microphone again. He was facing the crowd, eyes moving over us all. He was looking for me.