Finding Her Way

by Jefferson, Riley

  Confused, Madison replied, “How did you know when I didn’t even know myself? I didn’t know until I just heard myself say it. How can someone fall in love so fast? It is not possible! It’s just not possible!”

  “You knew. You were just hiding it from yourself because there’s pain attached to thoughts of her. I do believe in love at first sight…so anything is possible.”

  “I knew there was something between us the moment I saw her. I just didn’t recognize what it was,” Madison admitted to herself as well as Olivia.

  “Love at first sight. I never, in a million years, would have thought that would happen to you. You are always so calculating with everything you do. So, what are you waiting for, go to her,” Olivia said with determination. “I need my assistant back!”

  “It’s more complicated than that. It’s not just the fact that I don’t know how she feels about that night or even me, there are just other things at play.” Madison released a heavy sigh.

  “What other things,” Olivia’s curiosity was piqued, “I can’t help you if you’re not telling me everything. What is standing in your way, besides yourself?”

  Madison lowered her eyes again, debating if she should divulge the rest. They sat quietly waiting for Madison to decide. “I hooked up with Jerrica,” Madison paused, “she’s the one I brought home.”

  “Ok, so what’s the problem?” Olivia asked innocently.

  Madison raised her head looking at her absentminded friend. “Geez, Olivia don’t you remember anything? You’ve met her, Mr. Bisset introduced you two.”

  Madison waited for Olivia’s memory to kick in and when it didn’t, she continued. “He introduced her as Jak and you offended her by saying you thought she was a man because of the name.”

  Olivia’s face lit up with acknowledgement, covering her mouth in shock. “Oh, wow…Madison, not exactly your league,” Olivia muttered.

  “Thanks for the words of encouragement,” Madison retorted.

  The wheels in Olivia’s head began to turn as she started putting invisible puzzle pieces together in her head. “You slept with her the first week we got here.” Trying to put the pieces together, she continued. “And she hasn’t returned to work. Am I correct?”

  Madison was not ready to do a timeline of her life, but answered anyway, “No and yes. We didn’t hook up the first week we started here, it was the first Monday and yes, she hasn’t appeared at work since?”

  “Damn Madison you’re good. On the first day? Wow! So what’s the problem? Call her or go to her house. Make her talk to you.”

  Madison’s heart sank lower in her chest. “Her personal numbers and home address aren’t in the directory. I tried the HR department, but could not sweet-talk any information from her. Her assistant doesn’t like me, so I stay clear of her. I just cannot come out and ask her secretary without raising red flags. I’ve tried, Olivia. I guess she just doesn’t want to see me. I’m sure if she did, she would have called me by now.”

  Madison stood. “Well, now you know it all. I’m sorry I’ve been unbearable to work with lately. I will try to be better. I’ll be at my desk if you need anything else.”

  Olivia watched a very dejected Madison leave her office.

  †

  After two days of working at home, Jerrica decided to write a letter to the board of Morrill, Hartford, and Donahue. The letter included that until further notice, she would be working off site. She would be working from her home office, but if given enough notice would travel to the office for projects that needed her personal attention. In her closing, she emphasized her many years of service to their company and if this wasn’t acceptable, she would tender her resignation. She only had to wait two hours for their response along with clauses to her demands. The board granted her the right to work off site, under the stipulations she specified in her letter, but interjected that this was only a temporary situation. Jerrica was satisfied with the compromise.

  On day three, she wrote a long e-mail to her staff, explaining the new arrangements and how it affected their specific jobs. Jerrica figured between e-mails, phone calls, the occasional messenger, things would run just fine for a while. The e-mail was vague on her sudden disappearance from MHD, but nobody was ready to ask her questions. That is until that second Saturday morning after receiving the e-mail, when Lauren showed up unannounced on her doorstep.

  Jerrica was sitting in her pajamas at the breakfast table staring out at the water, her first cup of coffee in hand, trying to relax. The ringing doorbell caught her off guard. Before she could even get out of her chair, Lauren was using her key to enter the home.

  “Maybe I shouldn’t have given you that key after all,” Jerrica commented flatly, looking back out the window.

  Jerrica turned to see if she had actually come in. She bolted out of her chair as an angry Lauren rounded the table.

  They were standing toe to toe and Lauren’s face had reddened in frustration. “Who do you think you are?” she yelled. “Don’t you ever talk to me it that manner again! Do you hear me? I’m not shit on your shoes, Jerrica and I’ll be damned you will treat me that way!”

  The two women stood frozen, staring at one another, both full of rage. As time started to pass, Jerrica found she couldn’t stand the infuriating look in Lauren’s eyes and bent to pick up the chair that she had knocked askew in haste. Setting the chair upright, Jerrica sat, folding her hands on the table.

  Lauren took a deep breath as Jerrica returned to her seat. Seating herself across from Jerrica, she could see the bay in the background. They both sat quietly, waiting for tempers to decompress.

  Lauren had shaken Jerrica to her core. She had never witnessed Lauren so angry, never mind having that anger directed at her. More in control of her tone, Jerrica whispered. “I’m sorry.”

  Lauren reached her hands out, covering Jerrica’s hands with her own. “I’m sorry, too.”

  Silence crept between them again for several minutes, each waiting, hoping the other would speak first. Try to break the tension, Jerrica spoke. “There could have been an easier way to get my attention, you know?”

  Lauren tried not to smile, holding onto the little anger she had left. “What has happened to you, my friend?”

  Slowly dragging her hands out from under Lauren’s, Jerrica tried to think of something to say.

  “Jerrica, look at me.”

  She didn’t want to answer that question, nor did she want to look at Lauren. She reluctantly lifted her face to look into her friend’s eyes.

  Lauren’s eyes filled with tears as she took a long look at the pain and exhaustion in Jerrica’s deep green eyes.

  “Don’t! Please, don’t,” Jerrica managed to say before hiding her face in her hands.

  Lauren could hear the soft sounds of sobbing coming from Jerrica. “Jerrica, talk to me. You’re scaring me. What is going on with you?”

  Jerrica turned to the windows, wiping the tears away with the back of her hand. Lauren could tell Jerrica was struggling with her emotions. The house fell silent. The only sound that seemed to echo through the house was the soft ticking resonating from the antique clock on the bookcase.

  Not changing her position, Jerrica’s pain filled voice stated simply. “I’m a coward.”

  “That’s not helpful, Jerrica. Explain to me what is going on,” Lauren replied.

  “If I’m going to talk to you about this, I need you to promise me some things. I need you to promise me you won’t judge me. I’m doing that enough for both of us. And you will not retaliate in my name or interfere.”

  Lauren paused before answering. “Whatever you need me to do, that is what I’ll do. Jerrica, please, talk to me.”

  Jerrica was trying to speak without breaking down as the memories flooded her mind. “The last Monday I was at work, after everyone went home, I went home with someone, and I really shouldn’t have.”

  “You went home with someone? Wait, didn’t you get the flowers from…on Monday?”

 
Jerrica took a deep breath. “Yes, that was the same day. I was experiencing many conflicting emotions that day. I was a basket case, you remember. After everyone left, she came to me. I needed to feel something, Lauren, even though I knew in the back of my mind it was just a temporary solution. I’m not saying it was right, but it happened and I can’t take it back.”

  “You’ve got to be fucking kidding me, Jerrica! I thought you were done with Devin. After yelling at me in your office about letting those flowers into your office, you turn around and go home with her!”

  Jerrica continued to stare out the window, delaying her response until Lauren finished her rant. “It wasn’t, Devin,” Jerrica said, somberly, turning to look directly at Lauren. “It was Madison Jeffery.”

  Jerrica saw Lauren trying to hide her surprise, but her eyes betrayed her feelings. “I know, Lauren. I messed up. I broke my own personal rule of not getting involved with a co-worker and my own rule about one night stands.” Jerrica turned back toward the window.

  “Well, that clarifies a few things,” Lauren sat back in her chair thinking, “Ms. Jeffery has been a little nosy the last couple of weeks, indirectly asking questions about you. She is becoming real tight with Jaime.”

  “Nothing is her fault, let me clarify that for you. It’s completely my fault. I’m the one who told her to take me home and the one that made the first move once we were in her apartment,” Jerrica admitted.

  “I kind of understand now why you haven’t returned to work, but that doesn’t explain why you think you are a coward.”

  Jerrica flinched at the word. She had said it first, but hearing that word repeated by someone else stung a little. “I’m a coward because I left in the early morning while she was sleeping. I let her wake up alone with no explanation or anything. Lauren, that’s not me, I don’t just hop into the sack with someone and then leave in the middle of the night like a prostitute.”

  “Stop that, you’re not a prostitute,” Lauren commented, trying to think. “I don’t think either one of you are at fault, honestly. You two just met, you needed someone, and I’m guessing she did too. You’re both consenting adults, things just happened. That doesn’t mean you have to hide from her. You’ve changed your complete working career just so you won’t see her, that’s a little extreme. Don’t you think?”

  Jerrica took a couple of seconds to contemplate Lauren’s words as she watched her stand. “The evening with Madison was just the straw that broke the camel’s back per se where work is concerned. The past few months have been hell for me at MHD. It takes everything I have just to get out of bed to go to work. Then once I get there, all I want to do is come home. I’m beginning to re-evaluate my career choices. Then add Devin into the situation and now Madison, I needed an undetermined leave of absence from that place.”

  “Jerrica, re-evaluating your career is a good thing. Everyone does it in their lifetime at least once, maybe some even more. I know I have, plenty of times throughout my career. I do believe a break right now would be good for you. I’ve noticed your heart hasn’t been in your work for a while now. Nevertheless, you left Jaime and me in the dark. I thought we were all friends and you left us just dangling in the wind. Then out of nowhere we get a formal e-mail announcing your plans and nothing, but work correspondences since then…and,”

  “And what?” Jerrica’s low tone interjected.

  “I still stick with my first analysis, two consenting adults just enjoying one another. That’s it, not complicated.”

  Lauren grabbed the cup off the table. “I need some coffee. I’ll refresh yours while I’m at it.”

  “I’m sorry about not taking you and Jaime’s feeling into consideration. It just happened so quickly I went into self-protection mode. Upper management suggested the formal e-mail. That was not my idea. I am so sorry.”

  Jerrica tried mustering a smile but felt a little relieved when Lauren was busy with the coffee. She wouldn’t have to think or talk for a few minutes.

  “So, do you feel any better?” Lauren’s voice sounded from the kitchen.

  “Not really. It’s more complicated than that. Nothing is ever simple in my life.”

  “See, that’s your problem,” Lauren said entering the room and placing the cups on the table. “You make this situation more complicated in your head than it really needs to be.”

  In almost a whisper, Jerrica tried to explain the biggest complication. “She told me she loved me.”

  Lauren choked on her coffee and fetched a napkin to cover her mouth. Lauren was baffled by this new information.

  Before Jerrica could turn her head, Lauren gently touched the bottom of Jerrica’s chin. Slowly lifting her head, making her keep eye contact, “Jerrica, I’m only going to ask you this once and I want you to be honest with me. This is very important. Do you love her?”

  Jerrica tried tilting her head, but Lauren prevented her from looking away. Jerrica closed her eyes in a desperate attempt to hide her emotions. She paused, taking her time to answer truthfully. “I don’t know.”

  Lauren sat back in her chair, perplexed at what had just happened.

  The tears started to slip out behind Jerrica’s closed eyelids. “I don’t really know what I feel. I don’t think I’ve ever been in love with anyone before, so I can’t honestly answer yes or no. I just don’t know.” Jerrica laid her head on her crossed arms on the table and started to sob openly.

  Running her fingers through Jerrica’s hair, Lauren spoke softly. “Honey, are you sure you’re not confusing a great night of companionship and sex with something more?”

  Raising her head, Jerrica brushed tears from her cheek. “It wasn’t just sex, Lauren. I craved her touch and ached to touch her. When she stared at me with those deep brown eyes, it was as if she was looking right into my soul. It’s really hard for me to explain all the feelings that were going on.”

  Oh my friend, you have it bad, Lauren concluded.

  Chapter Ten

  Days turned into weeks and weeks turned into a month and still Jerrica hadn’t return to work. Madison was getting discouraged of ever seeing Jerrica again. “Hi, Mom, it’s me,” she said into the receiver one day at work.

  She had been dreading this call since she moved back. She would have to tell them she had been in New England for a little while and why she hadn’t called until now. “Yes, Mom, I’m working in Boston now, with Olivia.”

  Her mother started complaining about something going wrong at the house, but Madison had tuned her out until she heard her name being repeated in a high pitch. “Sorry, I’m at work right now, trying to do two things at once.” She tried to pay closer attention this time. “I know its last minute, being Thursday, but I was planning on coming this weekend. Maybe stop by early Saturday and leave on Sunday. How does that sound?”

  The ecstatic voice on the phone made her feel warm inside. “That’s great. I’ll call when I’m on my way. Okay, I will, you too. Love you.”

  Hanging up the receiver Madison released the breath she had been holding in since she dialed.

  “I’m glad you took my advice and called your parents.”

  Frightened, Madison spun around in her chair to see a grinning Olivia leaning on her cubical wall. “Are you trying to give me a heart attack,” Madison said as she put her hand on her breast in surprise.

  “Baby, your heart’s more toward the middle of your chest.” Olivia flashed a naughty grin in Madison’s direction. “If you have a minute, would you mind coming into my office?”

  Not waiting to hear an answer, Olivia turned on her heels, leaving Madison bewildered.

  Madison shook her head, wondering how she had worked for this woman for so long. Closing the door behind her, she relaxed in her normal seat in Olivia’s office. “Ok, I’m here. What can I help you with?”

  Olivia sat behind her desk with the biggest grin on her face. The cat that ate the canary kind of grin. Madison became a little unnerved.

  “How long have we worked together?”
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  Madison lifted an eyebrow answering cautiously. “We’ve been together for almost six years now. Are we going to have a trip down memory lane? Or are you letting me go?”

  “You always go there, don’t you? Sometimes, Madison, you can be so negative. No, I’m not firing you. You are my best employee.”

  “I’m your only employee,” Madison smirked.

  “Were getting off track here,” Olivia said trying to steer the conversation back. “What I am trying to say is after all these years, you seem to always underestimate my talents.”

  Olivia slid a business card across the top of her desk.

  Madison leaned forward placing a finger on it, turned it so she could read it.

  Jerrica Kerrison

  Account Executive/Business Analyst

  Morrill, Hartford, and Donahue Co. Inc.

  “Olivia, I already have this information. Her business cards you can get anywhere. The contact numbers on this card just ring back to the office. This really doesn’t help my cause.”

  With her finger still on the card, Madison started to slide it back in her boss’s direction. “You have very little faith in my abilities. Turn the card, honey,” Olivia said.

  Madison picked the card up, flipping it quickly. On the back of the card listed two phone numbers with a home address. “How did you get these?”

  Olivia looked very pleased with herself while answering, “I made really good friends with the young man in the file department. He loves my…southern charm.”

  “Oh, please don’t tell me anymore,” Madison put her hand up to stop her from continuing.

  Olivia let out a hearty laugh at her comment.

  Madison stared down at the business card now in her hand, suddenly feeling petrified. She had the information that she had been searching for suddenly sitting in her hand.

  “Well, now you have everything you need to find her. Go get her, tiger,” Olivia said, slapping her hands on her desk in celebration.