Finding Her Way

by Jefferson, Riley

  Madison looked up from the card, “Olivia, I’m afraid. I’ve spent days looking for this information and now that I have it, I don’t know what the next step should be. I didn’t think beyond finding ….”

  “That’s just something you’re going to have to figure out, honey.”

  †

  Friday arrived too quickly for Madison. She had barely gotten any of her work done all week and she couldn’t take it home for the weekend because she was visiting her parents. She sighed deeply at the thought of visiting them. She loved her parents, there was no question about that. What she didn’t love were the lectures she would hear during her visit. She would hear about how she needs a better job and how she doesn’t need to be working for Olivia. At least she wouldn’t have to hear the moving closer lecture. She expected to be grilled on her dating habits and if she’d had met that special person. Madison’s mind flashed to Jerrica’s face and her stomach clenched. She needed to forget about her since she obviously had forgotten about Madison. Jerrica knew where to find her and she hadn’t even tried calling her. She flipped the business card between her fingers. Madison lifted her head just in time to see Jaime walking toward her. She slid the card under her keyboard.

  “Hi,” Jaime said when she reached Madison. “I was going out for lunch today. Interested in joining me?”

  Looking up into an innocent expression she answered. “Sorry, I can’t. I am so far behind that I need to work through lunch.”

  “Yeah, it looks like you’re burying yourself,” Jaime said as she pointed to the multiple stacks of papers on the desk. “Well, maybe next week” She smiled and just like that, Jaime was walking away.

  Madison glanced over her cubicle wall, looking around the room. It looked like she might be the only one working through lunch, the department appeared almost empty. Picking up the receiver, she called Olivia. “I’m going to get supplies. Do you need anything?”

  “Actually, I need more markers and a few file folders. Thanks,” Olivia drawled into the handset.

  Entering the supply room, Madison started her adventure in finding supplies. Looking around the small racks, she started pulling items she needed. As she retrieved the last item, she turned to leave, stopping abruptly and staring at the figure in the doorway. Madison was in shock, dropping everything she was holding. She knelt down to pick the items up, noticing the door closing, trapping the two of them inside.

  “We need to talk,” Lauren stated sternly.

  Madison rose, leaving the items scattered at her feet. “I’m not sure we have anything to say to one another,” she replied coldly.

  Madison noticed that Lauren was a little taller than she was, with attractive features and very strong looking biceps.

  Madison’s reply did nothing to change Lauren’s mood. Lauren started walking in haste toward Madison, who backed up as quickly as she could.

  When her heel rubbed against a rack, there was nowhere else to go. Lauren had her cornered. Madison tipped her head to look directly into Lauren’s eyes as she spoke. “I said we have nothing to say to one another. Now, please move out of my way.”

  Annoyed, Lauren glared at the smaller woman. “I said we need to talk, and if this is the only way I can talk to you in private, then this is how it will be.”

  Madison saw the challenge in her eyes, deciding very quickly she wasn’t up for this fight. “Fine, then say what you have to say.”

  Lauren stepped back out of Madison’s personal space, “I want to get this out in the open. I don’t like you.”

  “You needed to back me into a corner, in the storage room to tell me that? Tell me something I don’t already know.” Madison’s sarcasm hit a bad nerve for Lauren.

  Lauren tried to stay calm. She needed to do this for Jerrica, “Here’s something you don’t know. I know about you and Jerrica.”

  Madison found herself almost falling backwards into the racks in surprise. Reaching for a shelf, she regained some of her composure before replying. “I’m not going to discuss my personal life with you.”

  “Ok, fair enough. This isn’t about you it’s about Jerrica, and therefore it includes you, much to my displeasure.”

  “Listen, I don’t know what she has told you, but she has made it quite clear, by her absence, that her life doesn’t include me.” Her heart tightened. Madison fought back the tears that threatened to release, looking toward the floor.

  Lauren caught the pain in Madison’s eyes just before she lowered her head. “If you felt or feel anything for her, go to her. You’re going to have to make the first move. She’s not that strong. Jerrica is a wonderful woman and if you don’t fight for her, well, you’re a bigger fool then I thought you were.”

  Lauren backed farther away from Madison, who was still glancing at the floor. “Such fools,” she retorted, leaving the supply room.

  Madison heard the door latch, realizing she was again alone. Crumbling to the floor, she started to weep, shaken by their conversation. Several minutes passed before she could calm herself enough to get off the floor. Brushing off her pants, straightening her blouse, Madison brushed the last tear from her cheek and exited the supply room with her head held high. Madison’s thoughts were no longer focused on work. Madison sat at her desk the rest of the day with a New England fog clouding her head.

  “Hey, you going home sometime today?” a voice said through the haze.

  Blinking a couple times, Madison was able to see Olivia standing next to her desk holding her jacket. “Ah, yes. I was just about to shut down my computer. Have a great weekend,” Madison was able to mutter.

  Olivia placed her hand on Madison’s shoulder. “Have a good time at your parents’ house. Try to get some rest. Maybe call someone?”

  Letting go of Madison’s shoulder, she headed toward the elevators.

  Maybe the trip down to her parents would be the break she needed.

  †

  With a large cup of coffee in hand, Madison remotely unlocked the car door, then climbed behind the wheel. The sun was up and it was a beautiful Saturday morning. She’d had trouble sleeping, replaying her conversation with Lauren.

  In fact, she’d barely slept at that apartment since that night with Jerrica. She needed to find something more permanent, maybe out of the city. She started the engine of her rental car, grabbing her sunglasses from the visor. With the car now in gear, her favorite CD blaring from the speakers, she left the garage. The streets of Boston were mostly deserted this time of the morning so it should take no time to hit the highway out of town. It would take her approximately a half hour to get home. She wasn’t in any rush to get there early, just in a rush to get out of the city, so she kept very close to the speed limit.

  Images of Jerrica and Lauren fogged up her mind and she sighed in frustration. This was going to be a long trip if she couldn’t keep her mind focused on driving. The closer she progressed to her parent’s house, the faster the interstate signs began to pass.

  Madison took a sip of her coffee, then adjusted her hands on the steering wheel as she took the right exit for 1-95 North, toward Newburyport, toward Jerrica, instead of left toward Collins Cove. Twenty minutes later, she clicked on her GPS as she turned onto the ramp that would lead her into downtown Newburyport. Removing the business card from her jacket pocket, Madison glanced at the address on the back. Speaking into the navigation system, within seconds she had directions to Jerrica’s home.

  A queasy feeling came to Madison the closer she came to Jerrica’s. Slowing the car down, Madison gradually drove up to the front of the house. Come on, Madison, you have to find out either way, she told herself.

  Pulling into the short driveway, she turned the engine off, her hands shaking. With a deep breath filling her lungs, she exited the vehicle, cautiously walking toward the house. Her hands were still shaking as she pushed the doorbell. Rocking back and forth on her heels, she waited for the door to open. When a substantial amount of time had passed, she rang the bell a second time. When the seco
nd bell went unanswered, she realized Jerrica wasn’t home. Disappointed, she returned to her vehicle.

  Still having time on her hands, she decided a nice drive along downtown would help calm her anxiety. The sun was bright in the sky. It was a New England, balmy, fifty-four degree day and shoppers heavily occupied the streets. The hustle and bustle of pedestrians caused the motor traffic to decrease gradually to a crawl. Madison didn’t care, she was in no hurry to be anywhere right at that moment.

  Every other car seemed to stop for shoppers waiting to cross the road. When Madison approached a busy crosswalk, she too had to halt for foot traffic. Pressing the accelerator to continue on, a shadow of a familiar figure entering a restaurant caught her eye. Madison quickly switched her blinker on to enter what looked like an alley to the parking lot behind the restaurant. Turning the vehicle off, Madison noticed her hands were trembling again. Heading for the entrance, that queasy feeling returned.

  The host approached her the moment she stepped in the door. “Table for one?”

  “No, thank you. I’m just looking for my friend,” Madison responded to the host as she cased the room.

  With a grin, the host stepped back, motioning her toward the patrons. Madison walked into the dining area to get a better look around, hoping to find that familiar face. After glancing around the room with no success, Madison turned to leave. Her heart stopped as the face she now sees in her dreams, in her apartment, and just about everywhere else, strolled across the restaurant floor. She observed Jerrica walk to a table, joining a female companion. Madison stood completely still, observing the interactions of the two women. Madison felt the color in her face start to drain as she watched the women touch in a warm embrace. Jerrica’s companion caressed her hair. The pair held hands as they started talking, engrossed in one another.

  Madison thought she was going to be sick. She was too late. Jerrica had already found someone else.

  “Ms. did you find your friends,” queried the host.

  “They’re not here. Thanks,” she answered as she dashed for the door,

  Gasping for air the instant she stepped outside, Madison felt bile rising in her throat. Bending over, as she rounded the side of the building, she tried to stop the nauseating feeling. Her heart was thumping loudly in her ears and her chest suddenly felt tight. Madison put a hand to her chest as she struggled to get her breathing under control.

  Slow deep breaths. This is not the time to have a panic attack. She didn’t need a scene in the middle of downtown. Holding onto the side of the building, her breathing steadied as she returned to a standing position. Moving as quickly as she could, Madison rushed to her car.

  You have no time to get upset, you need to get away from here.

  Finally out of the city, she eased the car onto the interstate. Feeling a small tear trickle down her cheek, Madison regretfully headed for her parents.

  †

  By the time she turned into her parent’s driveway, her eyes were no longer red. Her face was devoid of the tearstains that had covered her complexion a short time ago. Shifting her car into park, Madison didn’t move. Resting her head on her hands, she realized she was not ready for the show she knew was about to unfold.

  Act one—Her parents would start their mutual interrogation the moment she walked in the door.

  Act two—Then once she was alone and settled they would individually find her, to ask the intimate questions. Her mother would ask about her love life, wanting details that she wouldn’t ask in front of her father. Then her father would wander in and ask about her money situation, advancing job opportunities etc.

  Act three—Tomorrow morning the pair would try to convince her that she needed to move home to settle down. They never mentioned that they want her to be with a man and have many grandchildren but it’s always implied. Even though they know she enjoys the company of woman.

  Act four—Madison leaving early, not talking to her parents for months afterwards. End of show.

  She knew the theatrical production well. She was not ready for this at all, she thought sitting back in her seat. She didn’t want to open herself up to more criticism about her choices. She was definitely not ready to share the ache that constricted her chest and reveal the broken heart hidden beneath. A movement on Madison’s left made her turn her head toward the house. Looking at the kitchen window, she could see her mother’s face peering out. With sarcasm in her voice Madison spoke. “It’s show time.”

  She had made it to the trunk to retrieve her overnight bag when she heard her father speak. “Hey, butter bean! What took you so long? We expected you earlier.”

  Butter bean was her father’s favorite childhood nickname for her. The trunk clicked closed as Madison looked up at the porch where her parents stood. “I left a little later then I had anticipated, took my time getting here, enjoying the scenery,” she explained, avoiding their watchful eyes.

  Her foot came to rest on the top of the stairs as her father approached. Slapping her on the shoulder, he grinned. “Just like your old man, spending lots of time in the car.”

  Madison smiled as he grabbed her bag, disappearing into the house.

  Like your old man, Madison pondered. Was she really like him?

  George and Audrey Jeffery welcomed two healthy children born only a few years apart into their joyful lives. Due to complications with Madison’s birth, Audrey could not conceive any more children. They were a happy family of four, at least that’s the picture they portrayed to all their friends. Unbeknownst to her, Madison would become the son her father would never have. Throughout their childhood, her sister Sarah went to ballet classes while she went to karate. When she was old enough, George signed her up for a softball league. Whether she wanted to play or not, she did it for him because it made him proud. She went to college for marketing because of him as well. George was a top-notch sales representative in his day and it was an honorable profession to be part of, he would tell her. Madison followed the path she felt her parents wanted her to take for most of her young life until her last year in college.

  At that point, Madison felt it was time to be honest with her family and stop hiding her true self from them. During a short weekend visit, she admitted to her family that she liked being in relationships with women better than men. The family unit was outraged about this new development.

  “It’s just a phase,” her mother had said to her. “Once you’re out of college, you’ll change your mind. Everyone experiments in college, or so I’ve heard.”

  That’s how Audrey dealt with stressful events in her life, she would convince herself it was a temporary problem, and it would soon go away. Her father on the other hand backed away from her emotionally. She didn’t know if it was intentional or not, but realized she had lost the close bond they had once shared. All topics were up for discussion with her father, except her personal life, he would leave that for her mother to inquire about.

  When the screen door closed behind him, Madison could feel the distance between them increase. Unexpectedly, her mother stepped in her line of view, wrapping her arms around her.

  “Hi, Mom,” she said pulling away from the stifling hug.

  “Sweetie, you look thin. Have you been eating?”

  “I weigh the same as I did the last time I saw you, Mom.”

  Her mother led them into the house. “I thought you were thin then, so my question still stands.”

  Madison tried hiding a smile. “Yes, I’ve been eating just fine. Thanks for asking. So how is everyone?”

  Madison followed her into the kitchen. The smell of corned beef and cabbage wafted through the air.

  “Everyone is well. I hope you brought your appetite, I cooked a complete boiled dinner for supper,” she said and smiled, confidently.

  “I am hungry, but don’t you think that’s a lot of food for the three of us?” Madison asked as she walked to the stove.

  Lifting the lid to the boiling pot, she could smell the aromatic fragrances that reminde
d her of her youth. Not hearing a response, Madison set the cover back on the pot, turning to face her mom. She was standing across the room leaning on the counter; Madison noticed the baffled look on her face.

  “We’ve invited your sister and her family. Didn’t I tell you? We know Sarah would want to see you, too.”

  “Oh yeah, I’m sure Sarah wants to see you,” her father said in a non-descriptive tone as he entered the room,

  “I’m going upstairs to freshen up and rest for a little while. Let me know when everyone gets here,” Madison muttered as she headed out of the room.

  “Madison, dinner is at five o’clock. Your sister will be here around three." She heard her mother call the words after her. “Please come down and socialize.”

  “Yes, Mom,” she yelled back as she reached the bedroom.

  Stepping into the room, she quietly closed the door behind her. Peace at last. Leaning her back against the door, she looked around the bedroom. It still looked the same as when she was in high school. Strolling to her desk, she pushed the papers around that were tossed on top. None of these papers held any important information, so she tossed them in the trashcan.

  Without hesitation, she hopped on the bed. Everything in this room belonged to her. Things she had grown up with. The memories were everywhere. She was home, everything should feel right, but it didn’t. Madison felt disconnected from her surroundings. The young girl who used to spend so much time living in the private world of this room was gone. What remained was a woman, looking for acceptance from her family and her own place in the world. The ache in her chest was a constant reminder of precious time lost. Fatigue was winning as Madison stretched putting her hands behind her head, closing her eyes. A twenty-minute power nap and she should be good to go.

  †

  “Madison Marie Jeffery, wake up this instant!”

  Bolting to a sitting position, Madison stared at her sister who was standing at the end of the bed. “What the hell, Sarah?”