Angel of Mine

by Jessica Louise

  Her head tilts to the side as she processes what I have just said. The corners of her mouth turn down and drawing her eyebrows together in a look of pity she sympathetically suggests, “Oh honey. It’s normal to have trouble accepting something with such enormity. We have people here at the hospital, counselors, who can help you prepare. If you take a seat, I will place a call to the office and have someone come down straight away.”

  Great, she thinks I’m in the denial stage and isn’t taking me seriously. Annoyance flickers through me and I slam my hands down on the desk, causing her to jump back. Immediately I feel sorry for taking my frustration out on her and this laminate covered desk piled with a clutter of files. “Sorry,” I mumble my pathetic attempt at an apology as I watch her wrap her woollen cardigan more tightly around herself.

  This next card isn’t one I wanted to play, but if it helps to obtain the answers I so desperately need, I’m not going to hesitate. I hope that privacy laws will prevail, and it won’t draw too much attention to Ally. She will already have enough to be going through in her immediate future without having the media to deal with as well.

  “Do you remember the girl who was on the news, Ally?” I know she is aware of whom I am talking about. The story was abuzz over the entire hospital before I checked out. My only acknowledgement is a nod. She goes absolutely still, and I know I have her undivided attention.

  “Well she’s my girlfriend, and I’m afraid…” I choke up and can’t get the words out around a lump that has formed in my throat. My eyes cast downwards so that she doesn’t see the moisture gathering.

  “Oh my lordy, she didn’t, did she?” When I look back up, she can tell by my reaction what I’m trying to say. That I think Ally fully healed me. Helen’s previously blotchy cheeks pale, and her pen falls from her hand to the desk with a small clatter.

  “I’ll just go get the doctor.” Then she scurries off behind a large blue door and into one of the consultation rooms. Muffled voices sound from where she disappeared to, and I strain my ears to hear.

  When she returns there are five doctors in tow, and I’m not surprised in the slightest that this captured all of their interest. At least if they are all so curious, I’m more likely to get the results quickly.

  A man with curly brown hair and a cream business shirt stands at the front of the pack eyeing me up and down. I assume he is the head of the department. He reaches for my arm and asks, “May I?”

  I’m not sure what he is going to do with it, but reply, “Go ahead.”

  All of the other doctors gather around and peer down at my arm as he pinches it. It goes pink in the affected area then back to its normal colour as the blood disperses again. An action that would have once left a bruise doesn’t even leave a single mark. The doctor raises his eyebrows and instructs in a rumbly voice, “Follow me please, Theo.”

  I’m taken to one of the seclusion rooms out the back. These are generally used for isolating people with colds and the flu so that they don’t transfer germs to patients with weakened immune systems.

  The other four doctors crowd into the small room as well, and Helen prepares a local anaesthetic injection for me to have before the bone marrow biopsy. I’m not sure where to look as I hear the doctors discussing Ally and me in hushed tones.

  The plastic covered mattress squeaks as I sit on it, even though a standard issue white hospital sheet covers it. I’m tapping my foot anxiously and looking around the room as I wait. A sign on the wall gets my attention:

  Does your patient have an identification wristband on? Are you treating the correct patient with the correct medication?

  My eyes drift to my bare wrist; I guess they were in just as big a hurry as I was to get answers. Helen injects me in the hip with the local anaesthetic and Dr. Stevens arrives just in time to perform the bone marrow biopsy.

  The procedure is over quickly, and everyone filters out of the room. “How long until I can get the results, Doc?”

  He places different vials in a zip lock bag and hands them off to the nurse who then promptly leaves the room. “We have an on-site lab. I will make these priority results, and we should have them by the end of the day. Helen will give you a call as soon as they are ready.”

  With concerned eyes that crinkle around the edges, he looks at me and places a supportive hand on my shoulder. His mouth opens and closes a few times, but whatever he was about to say never comes out, instead he just pulls his hand away and tells me, “Take care Theo. I’ll see you this afternoon no doubt.”

  Before I leave the confines of these walls and while I still have privacy, I pull out my cell phone and dial Alex’s number. “Alex, how is she? Any change?”

  “I’m afraid not. She’s still lying in the same spot unresponsive. I’ve been sitting by her side the whole time and holding her hand. There’s been no sign of a temperature or any distress.” It’s challenging to hear Alex talk about the things that I should be there doing for Ally myself. Only barely able to suppress a growl that he has been holding her hand the whole time, I finish the conversation so I can get back to her quicker.

  “Shit. I’m worried. I wasn’t that far deteriorated when she healed me. She must be in shock over the sudden changes. After all, it did happen gradually for me. I’m on my way to Carol’s. I’ll be back as soon as I can. If there are any changes, call me immediately. And Alex,” my stomach clenches at my parting line, “take good care of her for me.”

  “I will do big brother. Drive safe. I’ll see you when you get back.” The line goes dead and I shove my phone back in my pocket and head for Carol’s. The rock sitting in the bottom of my stomach suddenly feels as if it has turned into a boulder. I’m dreading this conversation.

  When I pull up in Carol’s driveway, there are only a few scattered reporters around. They must know that Ally isn’t here at the moment. They talk amongst themselves, and my arrival doesn’t garner much attention.

  Carol must have heard me because she runs down the stairs frantically, the pebbles on the driveway squelching and scattering under her feet. That has to hurt with no shoes on. There are no signs of her slowing down, and she barrels right into me, knocking me slightly where I stand. “Where’s Ally? Is she with you? Have you seen her? Is she okay?”

  She looks a mess. Frizzy blonde hair is sticking out in all directions, a checkered flannel shirt is only half tucked in, and she is sporting mismatched socks. One sock is spotty and the other striped. Dark circles surround her eyes and she doesn’t look like she slept well last night, if at all. Guilt crawls under my skin as I realize I was sleeping with her daughter while she was awake going crazy over Ally’s whereabouts, and to make matters worse she had every right to worry.

  Reporters soon become aware that something interesting is going on and start clicking away. One of them makes the mistake of getting too close, and I grab his camera and smash into a million pieces all over the driveway. This only encourages them more. Enraged I pull my fist back, but Carol takes a hold of it and tugs, forcing me to turn around and let her usher me into the house.

  “What on earth is going on Theo? Where is Ally? I thought she was with you?” She guides me into the living room and over to the couch. While she remains standing, hands on hips and looking down at me, I take a deep breath and brace myself for the inevitable pain I am about to cause.

  “Ally’s at my house. I have Alex looking after her,” I start cautiously.

  “Oh thank God, I was so worried. I’m so glad she’s okay.” She may as well have gotten a knife and twisted it through my insides. Ally is most definitely not okay.

  Before I can think about it too much and lose my nerve, I blurt out, “I think Ally healed me. I was sick.”

  “What do you mean you think she healed you? Why don’t you know for sure? And what is it exactly she healed?” An accusing tone is seeping into her voice and I can’t say I blame her. There is fire burning in her eyes and she leans in closer waiting for my response.

  I reach out to touch her,
to hold her hand and offer any sort of comfort I can while I deliver my next lines, but I already have her on edge and she pushes me away. “Don’t touch me,” she scolds, her mouth twisting in a sneer. Holding her hand probably wouldn’t offer any comfort for what I’m about to tell her anyway, so I sink back into the chair and reveal the news.

  “Leukaemia, I had leukaemia.” Her jaw drops in shock and the once peachy colour of her skin becomes a deathly pale white. No longer steady on her feet she rocks back and forth a few times and then passes out, falling to the floor in a lifeless heap.

  My heart starts hammering away and I jump to my feet. Briefly, I check to see if she is still breathing, then scoop her up in my arms and take her out to my car. I planned to take her to my place to see Ally after this conversation anyway. I might as well do it now. It’s the best place for us all to be, away from all the reporters, trying to figure out what comes next. Why did I even attempt to tackle doing this on my own? I should have just asked Carol to come meet us at my place from the start. I’m going to need back up for the rest of this conversation.

  The nosey reporters click away with their cameras as though it is the greatest thing they have seen all day, and I try to hide Carol from their view. No one is concerned in the slightest for her wellbeing; they don’t even help me to open the car door.

  After a slight struggle, I’m able to get her in the car and buckled up. I’m worried she has stopped breathing and I place my hand on her chest to feel a reassuring rise and fall. A bright flash goes off in the corner of my eye as someone snaps a photo just outside my window. Fantastic. Those bloody monsters just got a photo of what looks like me feeling up Ally’s mum while she is passed out in my car. “Shit,” I yell and pull my hand away.

  I’m not fazed if I accidentally hit one of them as I back out of the drive, I just start moving, and if they don’t hop out of the way, that’s their problem.

  My speed doesn’t go any lower than seventy kilometres an hour the whole way home. Things will go a lot smoother if I am able to reach Mum before Carol wakes up.

  The house is silent when we get there, and Carol is still out cold in my arms. They are going numb with pins and needles, and she feels like a dead weight. In my room, Alex sits in a chair by Ally’s side but stands at my arrival. “Who is that?” Without waiting for my answer, he takes her out of my arms and I immediately sit beside Ally and hold her hand. Her eyelids are closed and soft snores escape her.

  “Carol, Ally’s mum. Can you take her to the spare room for me?” I am thankful the drive between houses was so short, and that Mum will be here to talk to her when she wakes. It has to be any minute now, I’m surprised it’s been this long as it is.

  “No worries Theo. I’ll be right back.” Alex leaves the room and movement to my side alerts me that Mum is kneeling, in the middle of the room, looking between us all with wide eyes. This must all be incredibly overwhelming for her. Even in the most stressful of times in the past, she has always been able to pull through and be strong for me, and I know I can enlist her help now. I’m in way over my head, and if anyone can empathise with what Carol is going through, it’s my mum.

  My stomach churns as I sit here beside a near lifeless Ally with my head hanging between my knees. They say this position helps to stop a panic attack, however, while I sit here listening to the sounds in the next room, I’m not so sure that’s true.

  Cries of anguish and disbelief mix in with the pained voice of my mother as she has the difficult task of talking with Carol. Alex loiters in the doorway with a stoic expression, hanging around to help at a moment’s notice.

  My phone buzzes from my pocket and when I pull it out, it feels like a lead weight in my palm. The hospital’s number flashes across the screen, and although I was expecting this call, an ice-cold sensation comes over me anyway; it trickles down my spine, threatening to take over. The ringing continues like a ticking time bomb going off in my head.

  “Hewel?” A scratchy sound comes out, and I swallow and try again. “Hello?” The voice on the other end informs me that my results are ready now if I would like to come in. “I’ll be right there,” I reply, although I think it comes out more like ‘be-ri-there.’

  For a few moments before I move, I squeeze my eyes shut to summon up some courage. On shaky legs, I lean over Ally’s disconcerting frame and kiss her forehead. “I’m going to get some answers baby. Alex will be right here by your side while I’m gone.” While saying this I glance quickly his way, and he gives me a reassuring nod and moves into my spot on the chair by her side. “I’ll be back soon.”

  Somehow, in the car, I’m able to navigate my way safely back to the hospital without paying any attention at all. I could have driven past the Queen of England herself, and not even noticed. It’s as if I was driving through a fog.

  The parking lot is full when I pull up this time, giving me the painstaking task of dashing through the rain and to the front doors from the back of the lot. Puddles of water soak through my joggers squelching around my toes, and splash up the legs of my jeans. The dark thunderous clouds match my mood, but the constant drizzle of rain does nothing to wash it away.

  When the lift doors open and the bustling nurses recognise me, the room falls quiet. They unsuccessfully try not to stare; I still catch their curious gazes. It looks like the whole floor knows my business, at least there is no media outlets following me around.

  Helen approaches me and directs me straight in to Dr. Steven’s room. He sits behind his solid oak desk on his own, so I assume all the other doctors found out the results before me. Twinkling eyes look at me, hardly being able to contain the news they hold while I settle into my chair.

  “It’s a miracle. Your cancer has completely disappeared without as much as a trace. Isn’t that wonderful?”

  My jaw locks at his ignorance. Through gritted teeth, I spit out, “My girlfriend has leukaemia. She’s going to die. It’s not a miracle it’s a damn bloody travesty.” The anger builds, but I’d rather that than breaking down into a blubbering mess though.

  The doctor offers his apologies straight away, “Of course, of course. I’m so sorry young man. Bring her in and I will personally make sure she is consulted instantly.” The cheery tone contradicts his words. He doesn’t look sorry, more so excited at his discovery. The twinkle in his eyes shines through even brighter at the prospect of getting to run tests on her.

  I would like to say ‘not a chance in hell,’ but he’s her only hope at survival right now, so I just assert, “She’s not a science project,” and stomp out of the room before I completely lose my cool. I’ll deal more with him tomorrow.

  I’ve been laying here in complete shock most of the day now. People come and go, but they don’t make much of a dent on my radar. Theo has a stronger presence then everyone else, but at the moment, he is gone. I can tell because I feel empty and cold without him by my side.

  I’m faintly aware of Alex hovering nearby. Occasionally he talks, but I have no idea what he says. Nothing really seems to matter anymore.

  Lethargic and struggling to breathe evenly, I lay here completely stupefied as to how Theo has been feeling this way and still able to make himself get up and live day-to-day life. How did he always stay upbeat, optimistic, and happy when all I want to do is lie around and wallow in self-pity?

  An acute need to pee is starting to get too much, and I know I’ll have to get up soon. The last time I showered or brushed my teeth was two days ago. This shouldn’t even occur to me since I have bigger things to worry about now, but I don’t want Theo to see me a grungy mess.

  I’m the one who brought this upon myself; maybe I should make an effort. As all this goes through my head, I still stare at the ceiling, unblinking and not moving a muscle. I wouldn’t take it back, but maybe I should have prepared myself better for this.

  Suddenly, someone pulls me up into a sitting position against my will. Alex’s lips are moving in front of my face, and his words go in and out of focus. “Enough Al
ly. Wake up and smell the roses will you?” He shakes me a little, trying to break through my daze, and I try to force myself to concentrate.

  “Ally, are you listening, can you hear what I’m saying in there?” His voice is raised, and shrill with annoyance. To get his point across he taps me a few times on the forehead. “You wanted to help Theo, didn’t you? Did you see how he looked? You are killing his heart and soul. He will keep dying inside each, and every day that you deteriorate, help him by living what you’ve got left, talk to him, and don’t leave him so soon.”

  He takes a moment to let his words sink in, staring me directly in the eye to ascertain if I am hearing him. It’s taking a little while for what he is saying to register. I’m so overwhelmed, and I sit here unwavering, waiting for it to make sense.

  He lays me back down and rubs the palm of his hands hard against his eyes. When he pulls them away, I noticed they are red rimmed and distressed. Liquid pools of the darkest green, watery around the edges, and are wide open, allowing me to see right into their very depths and pleading with me to see what it is that they know.

  “When it was Theo about to die…” his voice cracks, and his bottom lip starts to tremble. He pauses a moment, pushing the heartache away so that he is able to continue. “Every minute with him was precious. It would have destroyed me to see him like you are now and not get to spend whatever time I could enjoying my brother’s spirit and who he usually was. It’s as though you are already gone Ally. Can’t you see how much this is hurting the people around you? Try, just please try, for Theo.”

  Pain radiates off him and starts to break through the barrier I have surrounded myself in. My hands start to tremor and faintly glow. I raise one of them towards his face without thinking, to take the ache he is feeling away. His eyes go wide in shock as he jumps off the bed and shakes his head. My hand falls down, tingling and warm on top of my thigh.