Angel of Mine

by Jessica Louise

“This situation is exactly what he was trying to avoid. It’s harder for him to see you go through this than to go through it himself. You can’t fix it, but you can get up and make the most of your time, for Theo, for your mum, for yourself. If healing others is so important to you, than heal them a little now by getting up or at least trying to say good-bye.”

  As understanding dawns, a feeling of unease fills me. Bile rises in my throat and I swallow it back down. It burns the whole way, leaving an acidic feeling in my stomach that threatens to come back up at any moment.

  Even though I took Theo’s leukaemia away, he now faces a different type of pain, not to mention my mother must be beside herself.

  As these thoughts swirl, clarity hits me, and I snap out of my pity party. Either I can lie around waiting to die, and I might as well be 6 feet under already, or I can spend my time with Theo. That makes the choice easy. I will never have enough time with Theo. Every extra day I get with him is a blessing. Why am I wasting it? I should make the most of what little time I have left.

  Since when did Alex get so wise?

  A moment alone to process how I’m going to achieve all that lies ahead would be great, but Alex hasn’t left my side once. Under his scrutiny, I shift in discomfort.

  “I need to go to the bathroom.” I know that isn’t the response he was looking for, but I’m going to wet myself if I don’t move.

  He just laughs and I have no idea what that means yet. “Well I’ll take that answer over no acknowledgement at all. It’s good to know you can speak. Everyone has been so worried about you.”

  He helps me to the bathroom and pauses awkwardly at the door, averting his gaze to the floor and scratching the back of his head he says, “Um, I’ll just wait out here, will you be okay in there?” My body is a lot weaker than it was before but I’m sure I’ll manage just fine, even if I couldn’t there is no way Alex is coming to the bathroom with me, that’s not what I’d call a fun bonding experience with my boyfriend’s family.

  “I’ll be fine on my own,” I tell him.

  After relieving myself, I stand, leaning heavily on the bathroom cabinet and gazing at my reflection. Pale, clammy skin surrounds defeated eyes. They have almost changed to a blue grey, instead of the bright blue they once were, and no longer shine with hope and possibilities of a future that will never come. Dark shadows surround them and unkempt tangled hair frames the whole mess. Knots aside, the lustre and shine that used to give me a youthful, glowing appearance has all but disappeared.

  Shocked that my looks have changed so dramatically over night, I rake my hand down my face. The texture is all wrong. It feels rubbery and dry. My legs start to wobble, and I clutch tighter to the bench for support.

  “Is everything okay in there?” Alex asks from behind the door. “Do you want me to get someone for you? Or I can come in if it doesn’t make you uncomfortable?” The uncertainty and worry in his voice puts me on edge.

  Sharp pains travel across my chest, warning me of the severity of my situation. No wonder everyone is so worried. I have to pull myself together, show them this is what I wanted, and that I will cope just fine.

  Cold water runs from the faucet and I splash it over my face to make myself feel and look more refreshed. Then I walk out of the bathroom a brand new person, as if I just had a pep talk from Jesus himself in there. With a wide grin plastered across my face, I am determined to allow no one to see how much I’m suffering.

  Alex looks perplexed. “You were right,” is all I say.

  He eyes me warily, as if pressing the subject further might break me. A bundle of neatly folded clothes sits in his hands, and he passes them to me. “Mum dropped in some clothes so you could freshen up. She thought you might like a shower. They may be a little big unfortunately. However, they are still trendy so you won’t feel like a dork in them.”

  The pile consists of a pair of jeans and a loose fitting printed tee, which I accept gratefully. As fashionable as this outfit may be, there is one thing I have always wanted to do that I learned from my collection of romance movies.

  I put the clothes down and head for a set of drawers against the wall. Theo is my boyfriend after all, so I’m sure he won’t mind. His family will probably look at me strange, but I can endure it if it means I get to wear one of Theo’s shirts.

  Women in movies are always wearing their boyfriend’s clothes after sex. Even though it was hours ago, and Theo had already dressed me, I still want to partake in this tradition. I can’t let this opportunity go to waste.

  I will never let another opportunity go to waste again, no matter how big or how small.

  A blue tee sits at the top with a slogan that says, ‘Technically the glass is always full,’ and there is a picture of a glass half filled with water that says ‘½ air + ½ water.’ It seems appropriate due to my current state of affairs.

  The soft cotton glides through my hands as I run them over the top of the material. All his clothes are perfectly folded, and a little bag of potpourri sits in the corner. His mum must certainly do his washing. This thought brings a smile to my face as I bring the shirt up to my nose and breathe in scents of lavender and patchouli that coincidentally remind me of home.

  After my shower, I will have to go home and make Mum aware of what is happening. My heart tears around the edges at the thought, but I hold it together, remembering my newfound promise of not letting anyone know how much I’m suffering. I have to stay strong until the very bitter end.

  When I turn around, Alex purses his lips, trying to contain his amusement. Light flickers around his pupils as his eyes dance with laughter. My face scrunches up in confusion. I have no idea what is so funny.

  “Theo is going to be happy that you are up and about, but he is going to be overjoyed at the sight of you wearing his clothes.” My cheeks flush in embarrassment as I realize he just witnessed me rifling through, not to mention sniffing, his brother’s clothes.

  “Don’t worry about it Ally. I was joking with you. Theo’s possessive side will love it.”

  Still not able to look at him, I mumble, “Mmm hmm.” I quickly gather all the clothes in my arms, and scurry in to the bathroom to shower and change.

  Just before I turn the water on, I hear Alex calling Theo to tell him that I am up and about. Guilt battles within that I am causing everyone so much concern and worry. I jump in the shower, and try to wash the bad feeling away.

  Some makeup and a blow dryer would come in handy right now. It’s not because I’m vain, but because I’m trying to keep up appearances for everyone else’s sake. Having freshly washed hair and using the moisturizer I find on the bench will have to do. At least I don’t smell anymore. My hair still drips, so I wrap it in a towel and then search the drawers for a toothbrush. Luck is on my side, and I find one in a fresh packet in the top drawer.

  Pain radiates through my gums as I brush and I finish off more gently on just my teeth. When I spit into the sink, red blood swirls down the drain. On closer observation of my mouth, I noticed my gums are torn and bleeding. I balk at the sight in disbelief. It is something that I’m unwilling to ask answers for though, as it will only cause worry. Instead, I keep rinsing until the water runs clear.

  Unable to give myself a once over, in a mirror covered in condensation from the steam of the shower, I push open the door to find my mother sitting demurely on the edge of the bed, waiting for me.

  Cautiously I walk over to her, wondering just how much she knows and she smiles weakly back at me. When she stretches out her arms, I run into them and sit on her lap like a little girl. “I love you,” her voice shakes and there is so much emotion behind her words. It’s clear they mean a whole lot more than what she says. Those three small words that mean so much also say ‘I’m here for you,’ ‘I’m sorry you’re going through this,’ and even, ‘I understand why you had to do what you did.’

  “We will figure this out Ally. You are one of a kind, if anyone can beat the odds it’s you sweetheart.” She places me on the bed
beside her then gets up to retrieve a comb off Theo’s dresser. My hair tumbles down my back as she removes the towel and she combs it through and braids it. When she is done, she kisses the top of my head, and I turn around to face her. She takes my hands in hers and rubs small, reassuring circles over the top of them.

  “Rachel has kindly offered us to stay here with her and her family. Under normal circumstances, I would be worried about you and Theo living under the same roof.” A blush creeps over my face, and I dip my head to hide it.

  “Frankly though, we have bigger things to worry about. The fact is, Rachel knows how to care for you after going through this with Theo, and I don’t. I also think it is a great way to avoid the media. No one is out front or seems to know we are here. They are still lurking around our house.” She clasps my hands tighter in her own and pulls me into an embrace.

  “Thanks Mum.” A knock sounds at the door, and we pull apart to see Theo entering the room with a plate of vegemite on toast and a glass of cordial. Mum squeezes my shoulder and turns to leave, Theo giving her an apologetic smile as she passes.

  He places the items on the bedside table and hauls me into his lap for a hug. I can hear him breathing me in as he holds me. His muscular arms wrap so tightly around me that it feels as if he is trying to transfer all his strength to me and obtain solace from me at the same time. We sit like this, not speaking, just comforting each other through touch until Theo pulls away and encourages me to have breakfast.

  “You have to keep your energy up,” he says as he holds the glass of cordial up to my lips. The sugar helps the dizziness settle, and tampers down the lethargic feeling I have and I gulp it greedily. Theo wipes my upper lip with the pad of his thumb and leans into to kiss the side of my face.

  Natural instinct has me moving into the kiss. However, he pulls back and passes the plate to me. “Eat,” he insists.

  Without protest, I follow his instructions to prove there is no need for him to stress and worry about me. I want to cause him the least amount of pain possible. After I finish eating, he pulls me into his arms and I snuggle in close to him on the bed. His embrace soothes me, and I savour the moment, living in the present and pushing worries of the future aside for now.

  The next morning Theo is unusually quiet. My first reaction is to think everything that has happened the past couple of days is weighing down on him. However, when he starts biting his nails I realize there might be a little bit more to it than that.

  “Is everything okay?” I question. He pulls his hand away from his mouth as though I have caught on to something that he didn’t want me to see him stressing about.

  “I have made you an appointment at the hospital today, so they can run some tests and find out for sure,” he drifts off and becomes vague, averting his eyes. After a deep shaky breath he hugs me tight and assures me, “I will be there every step of the way, okay?” It sounds like he is trying to comfort himself just as much as me though, and I don’t buy it.

  Not wanting to let him know how frightened his words are making me, but wanting more information I pry, “What kind of tests?” He squeezes me tighter and rubs up and down my arms; it doesn’t alleviate my worries though, it just makes them stronger. This must be bad.

  “A few blood tests and a bone marrow biopsy; I’ll hold your hand through it all though, okay? If I could do it for you, I would. I really wish you didn’t have to do this.” My heart starts to pound faster in my chest and my stomach instantly twists into knots, I wish I hadn’t asked now. Panic sets in on the inside, but on the outside, I’m calm. I will not let him see how this affects me. I can do enough worrying for the both of us.

  Time goes too fast, everything blurs and we are suddenly at the hospital. Brave, you have to be brave Ally. The mantra repeats in my head, but my body isn’t cooperating. A long thick needle is coming towards my hip and my body is quivering. I think I might be sick.

  “Stop!” I shout out, and Theo immediately pulls me into his arms and out of harm’s way. Crackling sounds come from behind me, and the nurse murmurs something to Theo, but I don’t hear over the blood pounding in my ears.

  “Let’s just go. I don’t need this; what will be, will be,” I plead my case directly to Theo. His eyes lace with pain, and narrow in concern. He sits me down in a worn recliner to the side of the room.

  “I’m so sorry Ally. We need to do this, to give you a chance to get better. I might not have been able to, but there might be a way for you. We have to find out.” My bottom lip trembles and I gulp down the lump of fear lodged solidly in my throat.

  “Alright sweetie, we are going to get you to take some Valium to help calm your nerves okay? It will help you relax while we perform the test.” The nurse passes me a pill and a glass of water, and I gratefully accept them. She passes Theo some damp, hot towels, and he places them around my neck and massages my shoulders.

  “I’m right here Ally, just relax,” he reminds me.

  Soon I am off with the fairies and can’t focus enough to be worried. Theo looks me in the eyes and holds my attention while the thick needle pierces my hip. I wince, and I’m not sure whether to cry out or laugh at Theo’s five heads floating in front of me.

  I fall asleep in the recliner from the heavy sedation and wake up to my mum and Theo talking to the doctor. My eyelids are still heavy and I listen with my eyes closed.

  “We will start looking for a donor match straight away. I’m not sure we will find someone before it’s too late, but we will try. I’m so sorry. She can go home for now and we will be in touch once we find a donor. Please contact us whenever you need to.” My mum starts whimpering beside me and I can’t wake myself enough from my slumber to comfort her. There is a thud off to the side of me and it sounds like Mum has collapsed to the floor. Emotion is simmering just below the surface. I’m still too affected by the Valium for it to make a full appearance.

  Theo lets out a string of curses before he calms himself down, and I hear him talking to my mum. I guess this means it worked. I actually healed Theo. I drift off back to sleep with dark thoughts that my birthday next week might be my last one, but at least it’s not Theo’s.

  Being in Theo’s strong warm arms as I wake up already makes this the best birthday I have ever had. His chest rises and falls steadily under my hand and matches his shallow breathing. A strong heart beat pulses underneath and I rejoice in the fact that he is healthy and here with me.

  I snuggle deeper in to him, and the motion of me rolling against him causes Theo to stir. He rubs his eyes before opening them and smiles down at me. “Morning Angel. Happy Birthday. Did you sleep well?”

  My hand traces along the stubble on his angular jaw and I beam up at him. “Yes, thanks to the greatest pillow in the world,” I tease.

  “They are pretty good.” I’m not sure if he is playing coy, or if he really didn’t get the innuendo behind my joke. I thought guys were experts at that type of thing.

  “I meant you silly,” I giggle.

  “Oh, I’ll be your pillow any day,” he chuckles and winks at me. Voices are coming down the hallway, so he kisses me chastely before getting out of bed and pulling on a fitted khaki tee and brown cargo pants similar to the ones guys wear in the army. Defined muscles show through his shirt, making him look so good that I can’t decide if I like him better with or without clothes.

  “I’ll be back in a moment I’m going to get you some breakfast.”

  As he opens the door, my mum comes in. “Hey sweetie, happy birthday.” With a purple package tucked under her arm, she moves to the bed to give it to me.

  The intricate design of the silver and gold ribbon looks so pretty it feels a shame to undo it. Mum helps my fumbling fingers, then reaches up to tie it around the back of my ponytail in a bow like she used to do when I was little.

  Gently, I tear away at the paper and reveal a photo album underneath. We sit and look through it together. She put endless time and effort into this gift. She has chronologically displayed important mom
ents throughout my life.

  She places her hand over mine, and I pause, looking down at the current picture, remembering when she took it. I’m sitting on a couch surrounded by popcorn, lollies, and chocolate. There is a stack of movies on the table and I am making a silly face into the camera.

  I remember that day well. I finally learned all about what my mother referred to at the time as ‘my monthly friend.’ I don’t know what’s so bloody friendly about it though.

  Mum found me in tears in the bathroom. I’d been in there for hours and she finally coaxed me out and explained it all to me. We spent the day overindulging on junk food and watching romances.

  “My little girl, you’ve grown up so quickly.” She pulls me to her and holds me close as we finish the album. Theo comes back in the room and she kisses me on the forehead, “I love you baby girl. If I could find a way for you to be able to fill hundreds more photo albums you know I would.”

  “I know Mum. I love you too. Thanks for the present, it’s beautiful.” I squeeze her tight then release her and she gets up to leave.

  “Pancakes are up,” Theo tells her as she passes.

  “Blueberry, Mum’s specialty,” he informs me. They must still be hot because steam is rising off the plate, bringing with it a smell of buttery goodness. The mattress sinks as he sits down beside me and starts to pour syrup over the top of them. Before I get a chance to pick one up for myself, Theo breaks off a piece and holds it right up to my lips.

  The soft fluffy texture hits my tongue and an explosion of blueberry flavour breaks out across my tastebuds. Yum. My eyes roll to the back of my head. Men from romance novels and movies really do exist. One of them is sitting right here with me, literally hand feeding me. I can’t help but swoon and consider myself the luckiest woman on earth.

  “So good,” I moan between mouthfuls. Theo chuckles and fixates on the sight of me eating. It really is that good. I’m not even embarrassed that he studies me so acutely.

  When I have finished every last piece, he places the plate on the bedside table out of the way, and picks me up in his arms. “Ahhh, what are you doing?” Is my first reaction, then as I draw nearer to his face, I whisper about an inch away from his mouth, “Hi.” That’s all that I can come up with as I concentrate on full pink lips and the delicious smell of coffee on his breath.