Hits & Mrs.

by Karen Stollznow

  A light bulb went on in her mind.

  “Ana, can you edit the information before Gil sees it?”

  Ana thought about it.

  “Yes.”

  Claudia smiled.

  “Then let’s do it. He has a show in San Francisco in two days.”

  “I’m there,” said Ana, who was developing a blood lust for catching Gil.

  She looked Claudia in the eye.

  “You were right,” she said. “Gil’s a fraud. I owe you an apology.”

  “No, you don’t,” Claudia said as she watched Gil darting around the room giving bogus readings to people. “Gil owes you an apology. Actually, he owes everyone an apology.”

  Chapter 30

  Claudia sat at a table in Exile, a restaurant in San Rafael. She had just finished meeting with a client there, so she decided to stay and prepare for the sting at Gil’s show the following night. She was having a pot of Earl Grey tea and she had so much to drink that she needed to visit the restroom. Upon her return there was a bottle of chardonnay and two glasses on her table. She waved a server over.

  “Excuse me,” she said. “I didn’t order this bottle of wine.”

  “Miss, this is a gift for you from the gentleman sitting over there.”

  The gentleman sitting over there was Gil.

  “Oh, for fuck’s sake,” she mumbled under her breath.

  She knew that by being in San Rafael she was on his turf but she hoped they wouldn’t cross paths that evening. She should have learned from her experience in Australia that this world wasn’t big enough for the two of them.

  After a suitable amount of time, Gil strolled over to her table, wearing a sable grey suit and an olive green shirt and tie, and looking like he’d just stepped off the set of a modeling shoot.

  “Ms. Cox,” he said with a bow.

  “I was just thinking about you, and here you are!” said Claudia with feigned surprise. “Were you reading my mind again?”

  “Always,” he said with a grin.

  She bundled up her notes about Gil and put them away in her attaché case.

  “Is that something I shouldn’t see?” he asked.

  “You’re the world’s greatest psychic,” she said with a knowing smile. “There’s nothing Gil Godsend can’t see!”

  “That’s true,” he said with a nod. He gestured towards her table. “May I have a seat?”

  She sighed.

  “If you must.”

  Gil sat down opposite her, leaving a trail of cologne in his wake.

  Claudia pinched her nose and fanned her face at the overwhelming smell.

  “Phew! You’re wearing too much Old Spice there!”

  “You have a sensitive nose. I’m only wearing a little,” said Gil. “And you know I don’t wear Old Spice, I wear Brut 33,” he joked.

  “Whatever it is it has too much musk in it, but I’m sure you’d smell good to a doe. You know that stuff is extracted from the backside of male deer, don’t you?”

  “Musk originally came from the secretions derived from the perineal gland of the Tibetan musk deer, but today the creature is endangered and protected,” began Gil’s lecture. Claudia was sorry she’d asked. “Nowadays the scent is replicated synthetically or plant essences are used instead, although there is a black market for natural musk pods, which are even more valuable than gold. Musk is used as a sedative in traditional Chinese medicine, and to treat conditions of the lungs and heart. It’s also believed that musk is a powerful aphrodisiac,” he said with a mischievous smile.

  Claudia rolled her eyes at the walking encyclopedia.

  “You still smell like a buck’s butt,” she said.

  “I’ll be your buck anytime.”

  Gil leaned back in his seat, interlaced his fingers and put his hands behind his head. He looked Claudia up and down approvingly.

  “You’re looking lovely tonight, as usual.”

  This was straight out of the book of Ted Ray’s original seduction techniques, she thought.

  “I didn’t peg you as the type of man to use a corny pick up line, Gil.”

  He hanged his head in mock shame.

  “I apologize for using such a worn-out and tired phrase,” he said. “Speaking of tired, should I have said instead that you look like you need a solid night’s sleep and you have dark circles under your eyes?”

  Eyes.

  The word pulled her out of the moment and triggered her memory of the night before. She stared into Gil’s blue eyes. Were they more vividly blue than they used to be? Was he really using night vision contact lenses at his performances? Was he wearing contacts right now?

  Gil noticed her eyes searching his.

  “The eyes reveal our secrets,” he said. “The windows to the soul, as they say.”

  She hoped his eyes were about to reveal his secrets.

  “Your eyes… they’re so very blue,” she said absentmindedly.

  “Who’s the one using corny pick-up lines now?” he joked.

  “They seem more blue than they used to be…”

  “I age like a fine wine,” he said. “Just like this bottle of Bouchard Père & Fils 2007 that you haven’t touched yet.”

  He poured two glasses of chardonnay and handed one to Claudia. She was tempted to try it, this bottle probably cost more than she had earned that day, but she wanted a clear head the night before the sting. Besides, she didn’t feel well in the stomach. She put it down to nerves before the big night. She sat the glass down on the table.

  “Thank you, but no thank you. I like to keep my wits about me, especially when you’re around.”

  Gil ignored the insult and studied her carefully. She felt uncomfortable under his penetrating gaze. He leaned forward towards her.

  “Claudia, did you know that you’re pregnant?”

  His question totally threw her off guard.

  “What?”

  “You’re pregnant.”

  “That’s… impossible!”

  “An immaculate conception is it, Mother Claudia?”

  She wasn’t pregnant! She knew that. She and Jeremy had used protection. In fact, they had used two different kinds of birth control. She didn’t know why she was even entertaining the possibility. She couldn’t be pregnant. But why did Gil think she was? Was he cold reading her? Did he suspect she was pregnant simply because she refused an alcoholic drink? That must be it.

  “I’m not pregnant! I can’t be!”

  “Tell that to the embryo inside of you,” Gil said.

  The server came over to the table again.

  “Can I get you two anything else?” he asked.

  “Let’s get a snack,” suggested Gil. “You’re eating for two now, Claudia. What would you like?”

  She shot him a foul look although she was feeling hungry. She hadn’t eaten all day. She studied the menu. Hmm…what dish would Gil really hate? Ha! She’d order the deep-fried Twinkie. Mmm, the cheese platter looks good though.

  “The lady is with child and she has a craving for cheese,” Gil said to the server before she could even reply. She hated it when he seemed to read her mind, but she knew he knew that she liked cheese. “We’ll have the cheese platter, but without the Camembert, Brie, or feta,” he said. He turned to Claudia. “We don’t want you contracting listeria from unpasteurized cheese.”

  “You’re being ridiculous, Gil!”

  “Then just humor me.”

  Claudia wanted to humor herself by throwing her drink at him. At that moment, Gil slid her glass across the table and away from her reach.

  “No alcohol for you…for drinking or throwing at me.”

  They sat looking at each other in a silence that was uncomfortable for Claudia, although Gil was having a great time. His eyes fell to her cleavage. She wished she hadn’t worn that low-cut blouse that night.

  “You do look a little… larger,” he said with a swirling hand gesture to indicate her breasts. “You know…down there…”

  “If only I could sa
y the same thing about you!” she snapped.

  “Ouch!” he cried. “Increased sensitivity to odors, fatigue, cravings, and now moodiness. Your physical symptoms support my psychic evaluation that you’re pregnant.”

  She scowled at him.

  “I’m going to the restroom to powder my fucking nose,” she said.

  “Add frequent urination to the list…”

  Claudia stood up so quickly that she felt faint. She was unsteady on her feet. Gil rushed to help her.

  “And dizziness,” he added as he steadied her. “All the pregnancy signs are there!”

  Claudia pulled away from him and stormed off to the restroom. While she was in there she touched up the concealer under her eyes. Damn Gil. She studied her face in the mirror. She admitted to herself that she did look a little tired, but then she was overworked and not getting enough sleep. There were explanations for all of her alleged “pregnancy symptoms”. She could smell Gil’s cologne because he was wearing so much she thought she would gag. She kept going to the restroom because she was drinking a lot of tea. She felt woozy and hungry because she hadn’t eaten anything all day. She was irritable, but that was because Gil was there.

  Now that she thought about it, had she missed her period? She was so busy she wasn’t paying attention to her menstrual cycle.

  She wasn’t pregnant. She couldn’t be.

  As Claudia returned to her table the server brought over a wooden board with a lavish display of fruit and crackers with Edam, Emmenthaler, Smoked Gouda, and other gourmet cheeses.

  “Here’s the platter with no soft cheeses for the pregnant lady,” said the server.

  “I’m not pregnant!” she cried.

  “Oh look, honey. Strawberries!” said Gil. “They’re full of folic acid.”

  “If you call me “honey” again I’ll be throwing acid at you,” she threatened.

  The server backed away from the table and made a hasty retreat.

  “Well, this is pleasant, isn’t it?” said Gil happily as he carved off a slice of Edam. “It reminds me of our dinner together in Australia.”

  Claudia’s entire face dissolved into confusion.

  “What?”

  “Our night together in Mooloolaba.”

  “I don’t know what you’re talking about!”

  “Oh, it’s like that now, is it?” he said with a wink. “Well, it’ll just be our little secret…or maybe not…” he nodded towards her belly.

  Claudia didn’t know what he meant.

  Gil was acting so cocky, which was typical for him, but it probably meant one of two things. Either he knew that she was about to sting him because this was part of his setup, or he didn’t know she was about to sting him. After all, he wasn’t psychic. She knew that now for sure. He was probably just trying to throw her off balance and psyche her out.

  She brushed off his comments.

  Claudia avoided the strawberries and picked at a few grapes and dry crackers. She tried a little cheese. The thought of cheese had sounded good at the time, but now that it was in front of her it smelled bad. Maybe it was rotten, but she watched as Gil ate the cheese and he didn’t seem to notice anything was wrong. The smell of the cheese started to turn her stomach. Her nausea must be psychosomatic because Gil was teasing her.

  He noticed her reaction to the cheese.

  “Morning sickness?” he asked.

  “Gil Godsend sickness,” she replied. “Being around you makes me feel sick,” she said, with a giggle at her own juvenile humor.

  To prove her point that she was fine, she cut off a chunk of Gouda and popped it into her mouth. Then she wished she hadn’t. She must have a stomach flu.

  “Should I ask the server to bring you a bowl of pickles and ice cream instead?” Gil asked.

  “Sure, but if I’m pregnant then I might barf all over you, although that would blend quite nicely with your vomit-green shirt.”

  “You’re color-blind and have no fashion sense,” he accused her. “This is an olive green shirt. My vomit green shirt doesn’t match this suit.”

  Despite herself, Claudia smiled.

  She couldn’t deny that she enjoyed sparring with Gil. After all these years they’d slipped right back into their roles. They’d always bonded over insults. He was a worthy adversary. She had to admit that she loved to hate him. What would life be like without him? Did she need to have someone to fight? Without an archenemy, would she lose her sense of purpose? Would she be a hero without a villain?

  It was a surprisingly bittersweet moment. Claudia should have been excited that night, she was about to bring down her life-long nemesis, but this meal was mildly depressing, like it was the Last Supper and she was Judas about to betray Jesus. Well, Gil had always had a messiah complex.

  Claudia looked at Gil. He was out of gibes for the time being, and was massaging his temples.

  “Are you okay?” she asked him.

  “Yes. I just have a headache,” he replied.

  “A headache? Maybe you’re pregnant!” she joked.

  She was ready to trade more insults, but he looked like he was in pain.

  “I’ve been getting these a lot lately,” he admitted.

  Yeah, headaches from wearing those night vision contact lenses, she thought. Then she remembered the headache he had when they were walking on Mooloolaba beach together. Maybe there was something wrong with him. He did look slightly pale. She shouldn’t care at all, but Claudia felt a little worried about him.

  “It’s nice to know that you care about me,” Gil said softly. “Because I care about you.”

  He turned serious all of a sudden.

  “Claudia, I have something to ask you,” he said as he reached for her hand.

  She suspected he was going to try to convince her to work for him.

  “I’m not going to come work for you, Gil,” she said as she pulled her hand away.

  “That’s not what I was going to say,” he said. “I’m… going away for a while. Come with me.”

  This came as a complete shock to her.

  “Where are you going?”

  “Anywhere you want to go,” he said. “We can travel to Europe, Africa, Asia, or South America. We can go back to Australia or we can move to a remote island somewhere, just the two of us.”

  “Why are you going?”

  “Because it’s time,” he said mysteriously. “Come with me, Claudia,” he said in his hypnotic voice. “We can start over again. We can change our names. We can get married and have kids. You can start writing full time. I know you’ve always wanted to write horror novels… and I’ll…I don’t know…I’ll become a clinical psychologist or something…or nothing…but we’ll never have to work another day in our lives…”

  Claudia saw a desperation she’d never seen before in Gil’s bulletproof eyes.

  Did he know what was about to happen? Was this a ploy to stop her from exposing him? Was he planning to leave the country before she could bust him? Was something else going on? Was he running away from someone or something? Was he sick? And why did he want her to go with him?

  She was silent.

  “But all the magic I have known I’ve had to make myself,” he said, quoting the secret code between Claudia and her father. “Let’s make some magic together, Claudia.”

  Gil knew how to tug at her heartstrings. She thought about her father. He would want her to follow her heart. For a second she actually considered Gil’s offer. The two of them could run away together and start over again. Maybe it could be the way it used to be, or even better. Then she snapped out of her sentimentality. It would never work between them. He was a fraud. He was an abuser. He was a womanizer. She was about to crush his career. Gil was showing his weakness. She knew she had him.

  “No,” she said with a shake of her head.

  Gil’s shoulders slumped and he looked crushed.

  She almost felt sorry for him. Almost.

  “I have to go,” he said urgently as he stood up to leave. �
��…And Claudia?”

  “Yes, Gil?”

  He raised her from her seat and pulled her towards him. He placed his hand in the small of her back and held her tightly as he lifted her chin and she felt his soft, warm lips against hers. There were kisses from his lips, kisses in his eyes, and kisses in his hands. At first, she was so shocked that she let him kiss her, and then she forgot herself long enough that she started kissing him back. It was slow and sensual and achingly tender, but soon it became frantic and desperate.

  It was a kiss goodbye.

  Gil pulled away from her and looked into her eyes.

  “I love you,” he said.

  Then he turned and walked away.

  Claudia stood still as she watched him disappear out of view.

  “I loved you,” she whispered.

  Chapter 31

  Claudia lay awake in bed that night wondering about Gil’s cryptic conversation. What was he up to? Why was he leaving? Where would he go? When would he leave? Why did he think she was pregnant? Annoyingly, her musings were continually interrupted by thoughts of that kiss. She replayed the scene in her head again and again. She wavered between thinking, why did I fall for his Svengali bullshit? And, damn, that was a good kiss… Claudia was angry with Gil for daring to kiss her, but also angry with herself for liking it so much.

  At 3am she realized she couldn’t dwell on these things. She had to stay focused on the prize… exposing Gil Godsend as a fraud.

  Then she finally fell asleep.

  The next day Claudia still felt a little nauseous but she soldiered on. She let Banachek know what was happening and he gave her some advice on how to tackle the operation. She arranged for the media to be there to witness Gil’s downfall. She contacted bloggers, journalists, and reporters and told them that if they wanted to see proof that Gil Godsend was a charlatan, they needed to attend his San Francisco show that night. She promised them a spectacle, and she was determined to give them one.