Hits & Mrs.

by Karen Stollznow

  The first two stings had failed, but third time’s the charm.

  Gil had made a fool of her time after time. Now it was her chance to finally make a fool of him.

  When Claudia and Ana arrived at the theater Ted greeted them at the door.

  “Right on time, ladies,” he said as he seated them in a box seat again.

  Claudia still didn’t know if she could trust him or not.

  Hypnotic meditation music pumped through the theater as people streamed into the room and took their seats. On stage a white silk cloth was draped across a table. An arrangement of white roses, chrysanthemums, and lilies accented with ferns sat on top. As always, the stage had that funeral parlor look to it and the theater had a rock concert vibe.

  At 8pm on the dot, Gil emerged onstage, looking as sharp as ever, wearing a midnight blue suit, a crisp white shirt, and a gold silk cravat with a contrasting vermilion-colored pocket square.

  Gil began his monologue to the packed crowd of his adoring fans.

  “Life is all about the relationships we have with other people, the moments we share, and the memories we create,” he said in his deep, modulated voice. “If you close your eyes you can still taste the spiced apple and flakey pastry of your grandmother’s apple pie… You can still feel the touch of your father’s sturdy arms wrapped around you tightly in one of his bear hugs… You can still smell the fresh, flowery fragrance worn by your mother that lingered long after she left the room… And you can still hear the sound of your lover’s voice gently whispering in your ear, “I love you”.”

  Claudia froze as the final words she’d heard from him last night now echoed around the room.

  “This evening you’ll be reunited with those who’ve passed over,” Gil said as he strode across the stage. “Grandparents, mom and dad, aunts and uncles, brothers and sisters, children and friends, are all gathered together… We’re here to laugh, cry, and reminisce… This is a family reunion,” he said with outstretched arms. “But death leaves us with unanswered questions about our loved ones on the other side. Did they go in peace? How are they doing in the afterlife? What was left unsaid? You want closure…. You want to know the truth… Tonight, there will be answers.”

  “Oh, yes there will,” Claudia whispered to herself.

  Ana set up her night vision camera lens and they could see the spreadsheet of information projected onto the wall. The writing was on the wall for Gil.

  “Now I just have to hack into the source,” Ana said. As she typed away on her laptop the glow of the screen reflected on her face.

  Claudia held her breath in suspense.

  “I’m in!” Ana announced.

  “Excellent!” said Claudia. “Now the fun begins…”

  They had created a list of names, diseases, hobbies, and other information so they could change the data in the spreadsheet on the fly, but first, they allowed Gil one accurate reading to give him a false sense of security.

  Gil looked up towards the left-hand side of the back wall.

  “My spirit guides are leading me to this area here,” he said as he pointed to the front middle section of the audience. “I want to go to the man in the blue shirt… The name Luke is coming through very strongly.”

  “Luke was my father,” the man acknowledged. A chill ran down his spine.

  Gil walked down into the audience with his microphone in hand. “Your father wants to validate the reading,” he said. He closed his eyes. “I’m lying on the cool grass under the dark night sky…I’m gazing up at the twinkling stars… I see a pair of binoculars and a telescope… There’s a bookshelf filled with books about astronomy… Your father tells me he was an astronomer… He says that when he died a colleague named an asteroid after him…”

  “That’s my Dad!” the man confirmed.

  The reading was stirring up cherished memories for him.

  “You’re wearing his watch,” said Gil.

  “I am!” he said, holding up his arm to show the stainless steel watch on his wrist.

  “Your father died recently,” said Gil as he closed his eyes. He rubbed his back. “I’m feeling pain and stiffness in my lower back… and numbness in my legs… I feel like I’m having difficulty, how do I say this, going to the restroom… but I feel like I need to go frequently… The sensation wakes me up at night… When I finally go I see blood in the toilet…it terrifies me…” Gil opened his eyes. “I sense that your father died of prostate cancer.”

  “You’re right, Gil,” he said, his voice cracking.

  “I get the impression that he didn’t tell you he was sick,” said Gil. “He didn’t find out until it was too late for him to be saved… There’s nothing his doctors could have done…No one could change the outcome… His destiny in life was set… So he kept the news to himself… He didn’t want to worry you… He wanted his final weeks with his family to be happy ones… Not precious time wasted grieving for him while he was still alive.”

  “Yes,” the man whispered.

  “He wants you to celebrate the memory of his life… He is now at peace… He watches over you and protects you… And he says he’s sorry that he didn’t tell you he was dying,” said Gil. “He seeks your forgiveness.”

  “Of course, I forgive you Dad… I love you.”

  He dissolved into tears.

  “Your father loves you too,” said Gil as he placed a hand firmly on the man’s shoulder. “Hold that love close to you. Love never dies.”

  The man’s voice was thick with emotion.

  “Thank you, Gil. Thank you. This means so much to me.”

  The audience burst into applause, while a few people burst into tears along with the son grieving for his father.

  You’re an evil bastard, Gil, thought Claudia. Enjoy the fame and fortune while it lasts because you’re about to fall. She couldn’t wait to wipe that smug smile off his face.

  Ana started adding false information to the spreadsheet, her fingers typing furiously.

  “Let’s see how many hits he gets now!” she said.

  Gil looked up towards the back wall again.

  “My spirit guides are leading me to this lady here in the yellow cardigan,” said Gil as he approached the woman. “I feel that your mother passed two years ago.”

  “…No…” said the woman in surprise. “She’s alive and well!”

  Gil was equally surprised.

  “Gotcha!” cried Claudia.

  “That just happened!” cried Ana.

  They grinned at each other.

  Gil looked up towards the back wall again. He continued calmly.

  “That’s what they tell me,” he replied, like he knew all along. “I feel that someone else around you passed recently.”

  The woman thought about this.

  “Not recently…but my sister Lynne died sixteen years ago,” she offered up, trying to help Gil.

  “Then this message is for you,” he said. “I’m hearing classical music playing… It’s a very stirring piece… It sounds like Tchaikovsky… Yes, it’s the Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy… Your sister tells me that she was a ballerina… She was a member of the San Francisco Ballet… She played the Sugar Plum Fairy in their performance of The Nutcracker…”

  “No!” said the woman in shock. “She was a paraplegic and she spent most of her life in a wheelchair…”

  Gil looked confused.

  “…But she loved to go to the ballet…”

  “No…she was a heavy metal fan.”

  “Checkmate!” cried Claudia with glee.

  Claudia and Ana had to stifle their laughter, but the audience was in disbelief.

  Gil Godsend was wrong? How could that possibly be? There were murmurs around the room, but Gil’s fans were still on his side as they rationalized his mistakes.

  No psychic is always 100% accurate.

  He’s still warming up.

  His chakras are probably out of balance.

  I bet Gil was getting those messages for someone nearby who di
dn’t speak up.

  There must be lots of psychic interference in here tonight.

  When she goes away and thinks about it she’ll see that Gil is right.

  Gil cut his losses and moved on. He looked up towards the back wall.

  “My spirit guides tell me to go to this gentleman here in the grey sweater,” he said as he darted towards a man in the fourth row who fit that description. “Your name is Jason.”

  The man shook his head.

  “But you have a relative by the name of Jason…”

  The man stared blankly at the ceiling.

  “No, I don’t think so...”

  “Do you know anyone named Jason?”

  He racked his brains.

  “I think my ex-girlfriend’s mother’s accountant has a son named Jason… No… wait, his name is Jackson.”

  “I knew there was a “J” connection here,” said Gil, drawing a tenuous link. He cut to the chase. “Who are you wanting to hear from today?”

  “My mother, Eve.”

  “She is here with us now… I see her standing beside you,” said Gil. “Your mother was a deeply religious woman… She was a devout Catholic… She once made a pilgrimage to Lourdes where she was cured of a stomach ulcer… The only Sunday she missed church was the day she died... I feel you’re wearing one of her religious articles, either a medallion, a cross, or a rosary…”

  The man frowned.

  “But my mom was an atheist!”

  “She made a deathbed conversion,” replied Gil without missing a beat.

  Gil was grasping at straws with his manipulative comebacks, although this was a face-saving tactic Claudia had seen all psychic mediums resort to, scrambling to force fit their reading after they made a terrible mistake.

  “I see her funeral,” Gil continued. “There’s a wreath with yellow roses and carnations… Her loved ones are standing around in mourning… When she was lowered into the grave you were the first person to shovel dirt onto her casket… She was buried wearing a red satin dress…”

  “She was cremated…”

  The room fell silent.

  Claudia could see on the big screen that Gil was starting to sweat. He reminded her of a scared little boy having to give a talk in front of his classmates for the first time. She saw him look backstage for help. Gil was always so cool, calm, and collected. Claudia had never seen him this stressed out before. This was better entertainment than any comedy.

  “We need some popcorn,” she said to Ana.

  Gil looked up towards the back wall.

  “My spirit guides are leading me to the gentleman over here in the brown jacket,” he said as he approached the man. “Your name is Ethan.”

  “Mason.”

  “Mason,” Gil corrected himself. “You come from a large family with many brothers and sisters.”

  “Um…I’m an only child.”

  “But as an only child you always dreamed of having brothers and sisters.”

  “…Not really...”

  “Because you had so many friends,” said Gil, trying to bail himself out of that one. He looked up towards the back wall. “I’m sensing there’s a shocking secret in your family… Your parents never told you that you were a love child born of an illicit affair…”

  “What?” he cried. “I was an IVF baby!”

  “That’s why you’re an only child,” said Gil. “Now, I feel there’s been a recent death in the family.”

  Mason thought about it hard.

  “I think one of my second cousins just died.”

  This answer would do for Gil, who was getting desperate.

  “I’m supposed to bring up the beach. As a young child, he enjoyed surfing.”

  “She grew up in Utah.”

  “But her parents took her to the west coast on vacation,” said Gil, thinking on his feet. He changed the topic quickly. “She wasn’t a very good student. She was sick of studying and couldn’t wait to leave school.”

  “Actually, she was a Professor of Mathematics.”

  “No wonder she was sick of studying!” Gil replied.

  He looked up towards the back wall.

  “With this death in the family comes rebirth,” Gil said profoundly. “Congratulations are in order. Your wife is pregnant!”

  The audience broke out into applause for the expecting couple, although Mason looked worried.

  “But I had a vasectomy last year,” he said.

  “Ah,” said Gil. “Then that must be the love child reference!”

  There were more rumblings in the audience. People were shaking their heads in disapproval. Gil’s fans had finally stopped making excuses for his mistakes, and they had stopped buying his excuses as he tried to recover from his mistakes.

  Claudia started to feel bad for the people who were receiving these readings. By making Gil look foolish she was humiliating them too. She felt guilty about dragging these innocent people into her game, but it was for a good cause, wasn’t it? She hoped this exposé would make people skeptical about Gil. She also hoped it would make people skeptical about all psychics.

  “We’d better give Gil a hit or two otherwise he’ll stop using the information in the spreadsheet and start relying on cold reading,” warned Claudia. “He’s good at that and he’ll be able to recover from his gaffes and still convince the audience he has psychic powers.”

  “I’m on it,” said Ana.

  Gil looked up towards the back wall.

  “The spirits have a message for the man wearing the check shirt,” he said as he walked towards him with the microphone. “They tell me that your wife passed away three years ago.”

  “Yes, Gil. That’s right,” the man confirmed.

  Gil relaxed visibly.

  “I sense that her name was Victoria, and her friends called her Vickie.”

  “Yes,” he said with a nod.

  He was back on track again.

  “She was born in England and her family moved to the United States when she was five years old.”

  “That’s true.”

  The glitch must be fixed.

  “And when you met you felt right away that you had a connection… It seemed like you had known her all your life… On a soul level you’d known each other before… You belonged together… It was destined to be…”

  “Yes, Gil. You’re making my hair stand on end!”

  Gil seemed to have his mojo back.

  “Okay, I think that’s enough confidence,” said Claudia.

  “Got it,” said Ana.

  “The spirits tell me that she fell sick quickly, then suddenly she was gone,” said Gil with a snap of his fingers.

  “But we knew she was dying for years,” the man replied.

  “When someone passes, even if you knew they were dying, you can never be completely prepared,” Gil said as he tried to wriggle out of his error. “I feel that you didn’t get the chance to say goodbye to her before she passed.”

  “I was at her bedside holding her hand when she died…”

  “She knew you were there,” said Gil. “You told her it was okay to let go… She wants to thank you for releasing her soul… And just before she died her final words were… “The light is so bright”.”

  “…She was blind.”

  Gil took a deep breath and tried to salvage the reading.

  “I think she means…she is pure light now… And she can see. Our loved ones don’t have disabilities or ailments on the other side; they leave these behind with the physical body. She says she loves you and goodbye, for now.”

  Gil moved on in a hurry. He looked up towards the back wall.

  “Spirit is bringing me here to this lady wearing the green scarf,” said Gil as he approached the woman. He paused. “Who is Freckles?”

  The lady cupped her hand over her face in shock. Her hand dropped to her lap.

  “Oh my God! That was my brother’s nickname for me when I was a little girl because I used to have freckles splashed across my nose,” she sai
d. “And I called him…”

  “Dimples,” interrupted Gil. “Because your little brother had a dimple in each cheek.”

  “Yes, that’s right,” she whispered in amazement.

  Claudia shot Ana a look.

  “Don’t worry, I’m setting him up for the kill,” Ana explained to her with an evil smile.

  “But his real name was Robert,” said Gil.

  She shook her head.

  “…It was Rodney.”

  “No.”

  “Roger.”

  “No!”

  “Ronald?”

  “No…His name was Gary.”

  “That was going to be my next guess,” Gil joked. “Not guess! I mean… that was the next message that came through,” he said, stumbling over his words. He closed his eyes. “I’m seeing a Golden Retriever… His name was Peabody… He was your brother’s childhood pet… The two of them went everywhere together… He slept at the end of your brother’s bed…”

  “Um, no…” she said. “He had a severe pet allergy. He’d break out in hives if he went anywhere near a dog.”

  Gil tried to rescue his reading.

  “The spirits are now telling me this was a story line from a book that he loved to read as a child.”

  The woman didn’t know if this was true or not, so she said nothing.

  Gil looked up to the back wall. Then he looked backstage and Claudia saw Ted giving him the thumbs up. Gil looked up to the back wall again.

  This was the big moment.

  Whose side was Ted on?

  “Your brother shows me handcuffs,” said Gil. “He’s standing beside me wearing prison clothing… I see bars…I sense that he once got himself into trouble with a younger girl… He spent a few years in the big house, didn’t he?”

  The woman was stunned.

  “My brother was a Jesuit Priest,” she said indignantly.

  “Oh, then I should have said he got himself into trouble with a younger boy,” said Gil with a laugh.

  The woman began sobbing uncontrollably.

  There were horrified gasps across the room.

  Gil’s show was a total disaster. It was like watching a train wreck. Claudia and Ana could hear boos and hisses around the room. People were heckling him. Gil was lucky that the audience didn’t have rotten tomatoes and eggs on hand to throw at him. Some wanted refunds. People were even leaving.