Back to Life

by Danielle Allen

  Sahara Lee: Sounds good. What time?

  Tyree Barker: 1?

  Sahara Lee: I’ll be ready

  As a random 90s love song played through the TV speakers, I thought about the lyrics and scrolled up and reread the text messages from before bed. I can’t believe I told him that he was a game changer, I groaned to myself. I know I was tired if I typed that! Every rule I have in place is specifically to not let this happen. And not only am I letting it happen, I’m openly acknowledging it to him. Ugh! I should’ve stopped while I was ahead. I shook my head and put my phone down.

  I closed my eyes and let the realization that the feelings Ty awakened yesterday didn’t disappear overnight. With fresh eyes, I recognized that I would have to put forth effort to not allow whatever was developing with Ty to go any further. I can’t allow myself to get close to him. I have to let it go! Ugh! Why did I have to go to gym…and Jimmy’s yesterday? Why did he have to look at me like that…and wrap his arms around me…and smell so good…and look like that? An unintentional smile played on my lips at the thought. Who am I kidding? That was the most fun I’ve had in forever. But that doesn’t change the facts. I have to fight my desire to be around him, near him, on him. It would never work. Not after what I’ve done. I can’t. I just can’t. Besides, if he knew everything, he wouldn’t want whatever this is anyway. So really, it’s in both of our best interests if I don’t let whatever these feelings are cloud my judgment, I rationalized.

  My phone rang and I picked it up without bothering to look at it, assuming it was Ty letting me know he was on his way down the hall.

  “Hello?” I said, still preoccupied by the feelings that Ty had awakened.

  “Sahara!” Emily seemed caught off guard. She seemed to regain her composure as she continued, “Um, I was just going to leave you a message. How are you? I’ve been worried about you since we got off the phone yesterday.”

  Momentarily startled by Emily’s voice, I didn’t speak. Emily must have thought the line disconnected because she repeated my name as a question, “Sahara?”

  “Yeah, I’m here,” I said nervously, clearing my throat. “Hi Emily. I’m fine. How are you?” My voice came out strained but polite.

  “I’m okay,” she responded shortly. I could tell she wanted to talk to me but didn’t know how to approach me anymore. Because of my decision to not talk about it, she stopped trying a long time ago. “Sahara, I know the hearing brings back a lot of memories you’ve made damn sure stay under wraps,” she began cautiously.

  I opened my mouth to interrupt her and end the call, but her next sentence stopped me in my tracks.

  “But I think this hearing might be a good thing,” Emily declared with a quiet rush. “Going through this hearing may help you to live your life. Because you never faced any of it. You just left and never faced it. And you should because you—”

  “Emily I have to go,” I interrupted quickly, silencing her mid-sentence. My eyes welled up with tears and I fought with everything in me to keep them at bay. But the hurt in her voice shattered me and I was not able to stop the onslaught of tears.

  “I miss my best friend,” Emily’s voice broke.

  I miss you too Emily, I thought sadly. Finding my voice, I cried, “I’m sorry Emily. For everything. I’m so so sorry. I’ll be at the hearing, but I can’t talk now.” And I hung up the phone, letting the sob take over my body.

  The knock at the door startled me. I scrambled to the blue bathroom and splashed cold water on my face. I dried it and stared at my reflection. The only evidence that I’d been crying were my eyes. My eyes were slightly pink and watery. Maybe he won’t notice, I thought before yelling, “I’ll be right there!”

  Rotating my head slowly in a circle to loosen the tense muscles in my neck, I walked to the door and peeked out the peep hole. Standing across the hall, Ty leaned against the wall wearing dark denim jeans, a crisp white polo and white sneakers. Ty radiated a casual sexiness. Yes, his jeans fit well and yes, his shirt showed off his muscular arms and chest. But it wasn’t what he had on; it was just him and how he carried himself.

  He oozed of power and raw magnetism. His shoulder was against the doorjamb and his phone was in his hand. Being sure to keep my head tilted downward to shield my crying eyes; I opened the door and peered at him through my lashes. He looked up at me and his smile temporarily rendered me useless. I didn’t move as his eyes grazed my body in a way that heated me to my core. I’d never felt as sexy as I did when he looked at me like that. He was the first to break the trance. He put his phone in his pocket as he took the three steps to reach my doorway. His presence forced my head upward and once our eyes locked, everything I felt earlier—all the resistance and reasons why I should not pursue this, whatever this is—evaporated immediately.

  “Hi,” I murmured, gripping the door handle so that I didn’t lose my balance.

  “Hi,” he whispered back. He reached up and cupped my face. His expression changed from wonder to worry in an instant. “You’ve been crying?”

  Not wanting to lie but also not trusting my voice, I nodded. And instantly he enveloped me in his arms and just held me. And I knew that in a little more than 24 hours, this man had swooped into my life and upended everything. My body and soul betrayed what I knew to be for the best when I stood in his presence. I can tell myself all the reasons why this won’t work. But then I get around him and it feels different. I don’t know what’s going on, but I do know that right now, all I want is to stay in his arms for as long as it takes to take the pain away, I thought as I nuzzled into his chest.

  “What’s going on baby girl?” Ty gave me on last squeeze before pulling away just enough to look at my face.

  I paused letting the name he called me wash over me. Baby girl, I pondered as my heart skipped a beat. “I, um, just got off the phone with an old friend from my past. It conjured up old memories. I’m—I’m okay,” I stammered, showing off my perfect smile.

  I could tell he knew I was leaving something out. Ty looked at me for a long time not saying anything. He just rubbed my arms up and down and studied me. Feeling self-conscious, I diverted my eyes and focused my energy on the wet spot on his chest where a few tears escaped onto his shirt. I focused on that one spot until he broke the silence. “How did you sleep?” he asked quietly.

  “I slept okay,” I responded, purposely leaving out that I woke up with the makings of a panic attack. A minute passed and the silence surrounded us as we stood near the door. He slowly stopped his descent up and down my arms, leaving my skin in desperate need of his touch. Stealing a glance at him, I couldn’t read his expression.

  “Sahara…” Ty implored softly.

  “I slept okay. Went to bed fine. Woke up upset,” I informed him as nonchalantly as possible. My insides twisted to admit it, but not because I didn’t want to tell him the truth. They twisted because I didn’t want to open that part of my life up.

  He pulled me into his arms again and kissed the top of my head in response. “Thank you for telling me. Whatever is going on in that pretty little head of yours, I know you don’t want to talk about it. But when you’re ready, I’m here baby girl.”

  There was nothing I could think to say that would sufficiently express what I was feeling. So I reached up to touch the stubble on his face indicating that he did not shave. I pulled his face toward me and I planted a light kiss on his cheek. His musky cologne danced in my nostrils as I wrapped him in a tight hug. I love the smell of him, I thought unintentionally.

  “Thank you,” I smiled at him, pulling back so that I could gaze into his eyes. He is gorgeous, I mused as I memorized every feature of his face.

  “A game changer huh?” he smiled back at me, his eyes dancing.

  A laugh escaped my lips and I backed away from him, covering my face with my hands. “Can we please go to lunch now?”

  The Diner was a small café that served breakfast all day a couple of blocks from Libby Lofts. After we were seated at a booth near the win
dow, our waitress sauntered over to the table. With only eyes for my lunch companion, she proceeded to flirt her way through the specials… and out of a tip from me.

  “What would you like handsome?” she said in a Marilyn Monroe-ish voice.

  “What would you like Sahara?” Ty asked me. “You can have whatever you’d like,” he smiled as if he were holding in a laugh.

  Seemingly not fazed by the brush off, she continued to bat her eyes at him while asking me what I wanted.

  “I’ll have an onions and pepper omelet with a side of bacon. Orange juice to drink,” I handed her my menu.

  “And you handsome? What would you like?”

  “The same,” Ty said in a flat tone. He handed her his menu, giving her a disinterested look.

  Once we placed our orders, I rolled my eyes at her retreating back as she went back to the counter. Ty caught it and laughed.

  “She was doing the most, Ty,” I commented, shaking my head. I’m not jealous… I’m annoyed at her disrespectfulness. I’m not jealous though, I silently tried to convince myself.

  “Yeah, she was,” he agreed and shook his own head. “But let’s not waste time talking about her. I want to get to know you. And you look beautiful by the way,” Just as the words left his mouth, the waitress placed our drinks on the table. Without a second glance, she turned on her heels and walked away.

  “Thank you. You don’t look so bad yourself handsome,” I said in my best imitation of the waitress. We laughed.

  Acknowledging the elephant in the room, I braced my hands against the table and began, “I’ve been through a lot and I don’t know if or when I’m going to be able to talk about it.”

  Looking out the window for a second and then back to him, I continued, “But I do thank you for being there for me. Twice now. I never let anyone see me like that and I appreciate you not making me feel uncomfortable about it. But…” Now comes the hard part. I like him and I don’t want to lose the feeling he gives me. But I can’t do this. I ruin lives and he’s been so sweet and kind to me. I don’t want to ruin his life too. We need to walk away. And then I can get back to my lonely, lonely life, I sighed.

  “But…” I couldn’t get it out. My heart stated to race as I looked in his eyes. I knew what I needed to do, but it was harder to walk away than it should’ve been. I swallowed hard.

  Ty put his hands on top of mine and squeezed before he started, “Sahara, you don’t have to thank me for being here for you. I want to be. Since our run in at the gym, you’ve been on my mind nonstop. There’s something about you. If you want…”

  The waitress returned with our food so Ty released my hands so the plates could be put in front of us. When she asked us if we needed anything else, her bored tone no longer had the Marilyn Monroe sexiness to it. I smirked.

  Bowing my head, I prayed over my food. When I looked up, I saw Ty doing the same. I picked up my fork to begin eating when he continued his earlier thought, “If it makes you feel more comfortable, I could even the score.”

  “What do you mean?” I asked. My eyebrows drew together in confusion. I put the fork back down on my plate.

  “Well, I could tell you something personal about me. Something not many people know.”

  “Yeah, okay,” I nodded.

  “Not many people know about my family life. My parents drowned in a freak accident a few years after I was born,” Ty stated bluntly.

  I let out a rush of air, “I’m sorry to hear that, Ty. That’s horrible.” I understand how you feel, I thought and wanted to say but couldn’t bring myself to actually say it.

  He nodded and continued, “My grandfather raised me. He taught me everything I know. He was the reason I worked hard. He is the reason I still work hard. He really knew how to live life. He was successful in all aspects of his life—father, husband, business man, musician. I want that kind of success.” Ty gave me small, wistful smile.

  “What was it like? With just you and your grandfather?” I asked quietly, noticing the light in his eyes when he talked about his grandfather.

  “He was very laid back. He had that quiet strength. I went through a phase in college where I played really hard. As long as my grades were perfect and I managed my trust well, he tolerated it. But the moment I finished undergrad, he sat me down and told me that I needed to grow up because Barker men don’t party that hard and get sloppy drunk. So the summer after undergrad, I stopped drinking and started working nonstop. He waited until my work ethic rivaled his before he kept nagging me to live a little. He made me promised him that I would not work so hard that I missed out on other aspects of life. He knew how to keep that perfect balance between work and play, you know?”

  He paused before continuing, “So anyway, now, it’s just me. No biological family.” His voice had taken on a pensive tone that made my heart clench.

  I reached over the table and put my hand on his. He looked at me with his chestnut brown eyes and I melted. The sadness in his eyes only endeared him more to me. Maybe he would understand, I thought selfishly and as soon as I though it I shook the thoughts away. Sahara get it together! This is about him, not you! I chastised myself. I knew that I couldn’t involve him in my drama; he’d been through enough of his own.

  “Well know that I am here for you. Whenever you need me,” I said automatically, without thinking. I rubbed my hand over his and he flipped his hand over to interlock our fingers. I looked at our intertwined hands and fought the cheesy grin that threatened to take over my face. And we took our first bites of room temperature food holding hands.

  “So tell me about your family?” Ty said innocently, giving my hand a squeeze before pulling his hand away from mine to eat more comfortably.

  I balked and almost choked on my juice, not expecting the question. “Um, my dad was a police officer,” I coughed. I looked out the window and waited for him to fill in the blanks that I couldn’t bring myself to say.

  He swallowed hard before speaking, “Was?”

  I looked at him with watery eyes and nodded. I didn’t elaborate and he didn’t expect me to.

  “Wow… I’m sorry Sahara.” The way he looked at me, full of understanding and not an ounce of pity, was a relief.

  I nodded again, tension leaving my shoulders. “So let’s talk about something else,” I said slipping the perfect fake smile on my face. The look on Ty’s face let me know he saw right through it but he didn’t say a word.

  “You said you like art last night. What’s your favorite art form?” Ty asked before putting another bite of omelet in his mouth.

  I chewed my food before I answered thoughtfully, “Music. Hands down. Music is so transitional. It makes you feel. It makes you move. It foreshadows. It can create an atmosphere all on its own. I love to create my own soundtrack to whatever it is I’m doing.”

  He nodded and smiled, “What song would be playing now?” His eyes twinkled.

  I bit my lip to keep from laughing and shrugged. My Body’s Calling springs to mind, I thought as I felt a blush cover my skin.

  He leaned back and laughed loudly as if he were reading my thoughts. “So do you ever sing outside of the gym or was that just a special treat for me?” He joked with a bright smile.

  I laughed, “Singing is one of those things I reserve for the shower or when I’m alone.”

  An hour and a half later of nonstop talk and laughter, Ty paid our bill. He opened the door for me and we started walking the two blocks back to Libby Lofts. I pointed out different important locations he needed to know—grocery store, gourmet deli, bank, coffee shop.

  A child on roller blades bumped into me, causing me to stumble in my yellow heels. The mother chased behind him yelling “Scottie! Scott! Slow down! I’m sorry ma’am,” she threw at me as she ran to catch up with her son.

  Steadying me with large hands on my shoulders, Ty asked, “You good?” His gaze lingered on my lips and returned to my eyes when I nodded.

  Running his hands down my arms, he reached my hands and too
k them into his. “People should really keep their kids in check,” he grinned. Letting one of my hands go, we interlocked fingers and walked the rest of the way home holding hands. No words were spoken the rest of the walk as if we didn’t want to pop the bubble we were in.

  Once we got in the elevator, Ty finally broke the silence. “Today was nice,” he said giving me a sexy smile.

  “Yes it was,” I responded, returning his smile with one of my own.

  “I don’t want it to end, but I need to check on things at Jimmy’s. Maybe I can see you later?” His voice sounded casual, but his face looked hopeful.

  “Maybe,” I responded, my smile got even wider. I rubbed my thumb across his forefinger.

  The elevator dinged as we reached the 9th floor. We walked hand in hand to my door and turned to look at one another. “We’ve only known each other a day and I don’t know what this is,” he started, motioning between the two of us with his free hand, “but I like it. A lot.”

  With my back against my door, Ty hugged his body against mine and held me close. He smelled so good and he felt even better. He released my hand so he could hold on to me even tighter. I wrapped both arms around his neck.

  I tilted my head upwards and smiled at him. “Like I said, you are a game changer Mr. Barker.”

  He inched his face closer to mine and asked, “Does that mean what I think it means?”

  I cocked my head to the side coyly, “I don’t know what you think it means.”

  He inched in a little more, our noses touching, “I think it means you feel this. You feel as drawn to me as I am to you. I felt it from the moment I saw you, heard your voice,” His voice had dropped to a hushed whisper.

  “I’ve never felt anything like it,” I admitted. It scares me. I wanted to admit that too but opted not to.

  We were so close, I could just barely feel his lips on mine. He eyed me hungrily but didn’t make a move to kiss me. Kiss me, kiss me, I willed him to put me out of my misery and kiss me. The waiting was unbearably sexy. My nerve endings were on fire. Finally, his lips gently found mine and as the level of intensity increased, so did my level of desire. Our mouths and tongues moved together in reverent kisses causing soft moans to escape me. My heart hammered in my chest as we pulled apart. Mind. Blown, I thought as my body sagged against the door, trying to catch my breath. He tasted like mint and chocolate—clean and sweet.