Back to Life

by Danielle Allen

  “Okay, time’s up!” Emily yelled from down the hall, jolting us from our moment and I immediately drew back from him. We created space between us as we heard Emily run down the hallway. Wearing sweatpants and a T-shirt with I Know I Can Dance emblazoned on the front, Emily marched over to Emanuel and pulled at his arm. “It’s time for you to go. I’ve been generous with sharing my best friend, but we have girl talk and movies lined up for tonight. We’ll see you tomorrow Manny.”

  We both stood up and Emanuel gave me a lingering look. “Okay sis. You can have her tonight.” His emphasis on the word tonight resonated deep inside me because it held so much promise. My lips still tingled at the remembrance of his lips briefly leaving their mark. For the second time in as many days, I inadvertently thought about how the kiss was way too short.

  “Okay, let’s pick up the pace Manny. You’re stalling!” Emily was smiling as she moved toward the door. Emanuel followed behind her and I trailed behind him. Stopping suddenly, Emanuel turned and scooped me up in his arms.

  “Ah! Stop!” I giggled as my feet left the floor and I wrapped my arms around his neck. “Put me down!” Emily smiled at us and leaned her head against the door.

  With his mouth pressed up against my ear, he whispered, “Think about what I said. I’m yours if you want me. Just say the word Sahara.”

  I closed my eyes and relished the feeling of being in his arms. There were many nights that I fantasized about being in his arms, but this was real life and it felt so much better. “I will,” I murmured as he slid me down his body slowly. I looked up at him and something intimate passed between us. I could see it in his eyes as he stared at me and I could feel it in my heart.

  “Bye Sahara.” Emanuel winked at me before turning around.

  He gave Emily a quick hug and said, “I’ll meet back here early so we can all ride together to the hearing.”

  “Sounds good. We’ll call in the morning. Bye Manny!” Emily stressed the goodbye as she closed the door lightly on his heel.

  “Damn, I’m leaving,” Emanuel laughed and his eyes sparkled.

  Emily closed the door behind him and turned to look at me with her grey eyes wide. “Spill!”

  Chapter 24

  “Damn Sahara…” Emily’s grey eyes were expressive and her mouth was fixed in a semi-permanent “o” for the last two hours as we discussed the complication that was my love life. We missed the entire movie because we talked straight through it. I tried to hold off on telling her, insisting that we watch the movie she rented for us. About fifteen minutes in, Emily insisted and once the floodgates opened, we couldn’t stop. “So, on one hand you have Tyree who makes you feel like a new you and on the other hand you have Manny who makes you feel like the old you. Damn girl. So, between you and me, if you had to pick, who would you choose?”

  “And that’s what’s getting to me, Em. I am so in love with Ty. This last month with him has been the happiest I’ve ever been. He accepts me for exactly who I am and he is perfect for me, you know? In that totally clichéd way, he completes me,” I laughed. “I know how that sounds, but there’s no other way for me to describe it. I’ve never felt this good or this healthy before in a relationship.”

  “And he is hot! Show me the picture again,” Emily laughed. I held my phone up and showed her the picture I took of Ty in New York. He was shirtless, standing on the balcony of our suite at The Hotel Plaza Athénée. It was early in the morning and the sun was rising behind him in the distance. The picture looked like something from a magazine—unobtainable sexy model in front of a picturesque backdrop. But it wasn’t unobtainable, it was real. It was mine. I smiled at the memory of that weekend, last weekend. It felt like an eternity ago. I miss him, I thought as my heart clenched.

  After handing me my phone back, Emily hesitantly asked, “And Manny?”

  “Is engaged!” I spat out in disbelief. “I’ve loved Emanuel for the majority of my life. He was my first love. He was who I compared every man to before and after the accident. No one was able to get him off my mind. And Lord knows, I tried so hard to let him go. I tried not to love him anymore since I was never coming back to Thomasville. But my heart and my mind refused to let him go. No man ever had a chance because they weren’t him.” My head fell into my hands as I felt overwhelmed. “Until I met Ty.”

  Emily exhaled a deep breath and we sat in silence as we considered my predicament. I wiped a rogue tear that escaped from my tightly clenched eyes. “You don’t have to decide anything now.” Emily rubbed my back comfortingly as the hum of the music from the DVD menu played on a loop.

  “I think we should probably get some rest. We have to wake up early tomorrow,” I whispered into my hands, shielding my face from her troubled stare.

  She was silent for a moment before she said slowly, “You’re right. We need to get some rest for the hearing tomorrow. I’m glad you’re here Sahara.” She wrapped her arms around me pinning my arms to my sides as I continued to cover my face.

  “Me too Em.” And I was. I missed girl talk. I missed having genuine friendships. I missed participating in my best friendship. I’ve missed Emily, I acknowledged silently as I untangled my arms to return the embrace.

  “Are you going to sleep okay?” The worried look on Emily’s face made my heart swell. I’ve wasted all this time thinking she resented me for ruining her life and all she wanted was for me to be to her what she’s always been to me, I thought. Sadness welled up inside me.

  “I’ll make it.” I gave her a small smile.

  “Grab a bottle of water and meet me in your room,” Emily said as she hopped up and ran down the hallway.

  Collecting myself and gathering my emotions, I followed her directions. Stopping briefly to cut the DVD player and TV off, I exited the living room. I walked into the guest bedroom and Emily was sitting on the edge of the bed.

  I held up the bottle of water to make sure Emily saw it before placing it on the end table. I turned to my luggage and pulled a pair of yellow yoga pants and a matching green and yellow tank top. Throwing it on the bed beside Emily, I kicked off my shoes.

  “I want you to take one of these. It’s so you can sleep,” Emily said as I walked toward her.

  “What is it?” I asked as I studied the small, white pill in the palm of her hand.

  “It’s a sleep aid,” she answered quietly. “I used to have insomnia. Now I only occasionally need help sleeping so my psychiatrist prescribed me a sleep aid.”

  “I didn’t know you had trouble sleeping,” I replied as I took a seat next to her on the bed.

  “Only occasionally now. But it used to be bad. Therapy helped. A lot.”

  I took the pill out of her hand and placed it on my tongue. Taking a swig of water, I swallowed it with ease. “Down the hatch.”

  “You should be able to sleep through the night with that.” She stood up and walked to the door. “If you have nightmares and panic attacks while you’re sleeping often, you should consider going back to a therapist. I love you. Goodnight.”

  “I know. I love you too Em. Thank you, Goodnight,” I said as she closed the door softly behind her. I changed into my yoga pants and tank quickly and climbed into bed. The events and revelations of the day took a toll on my body and I was just ready to go to sleep.

  I went without therapy because I felt if I had nightmares, I deserved to have nightmares. I ruined the lives of everyone I loved. My guilt kept me from continuing therapy. But having Emily suggest therapy changes things... maybe I should see someone again. My life is a mess right now. I have to speak at the hearing tomorrow morning. The man who took everything away from me, who stole my wild and crazy years by rear ending us, may get out early if we can’t convince the panel that he deserves to serve his full sentence. And if that didn’t complicate things, I think I might be in love with two different men. Tyree and Emanuel. I love them both so much and so differently. I loved Emanuel first. He was and will always be my first love. He knew me and loved me as the person I was, the
person I always hoped to one day earn the right to be again. He knew me before my baggage. He knew my dad and my dad loved him. He is a part of my family. And Tyree… I love Tyree. He knows me and loves me as the person I am now. He makes me feel special. He listens, he cares, he’s patient, and he gave me the strength to even be here. What am I going to do? I groaned to myself before sleep settled atop me.

  “Good morning sleepy head!” Emily’s voice sounded chipper. I sniffed and smelled bacon wafting in the air. I felt a cold hand rub my arm and it made me jump. “Oops! Sorry! I just washed my hands.”

  “Good morning,” I greeted her groggily. “What time is it?”

  “It’s 7am. We need to leave at 9 so we can meet with Mr. McMannus before the hearing starts.”

  I yawned as I stretched out in the bed. “Yes ma’am.” My voice was still thick with sleep as I pushed the comforter down off of my body.

  “Breakfast will be ready in soon! Get dressed!” Emily bounced out of the room, closing the door behind her.

  I lay in bed for a few more seconds before it hit me: I slept through the night! I looked at the clock to confirm the time and I sat up in the middle of the bed. I rubbed my face roughly and looked back at the clock. Wow, I thought. I slept through the entire night. I didn’t wake myself up once. And considering what I have going on in my love life and this hearing, I am shocked. Maybe Emily was on to something with the sleeping pills.

  I climbed out of the bed slowly and dragged myself to the bathroom. I felt like a zombie as my legs felt heavy. After a long, hot shower, I began to feel like a normal human being again. Once I dried off and did my hair and makeup, I was back to my old self. “And it only took 45 minutes,” I mumbled to myself in the mirror. Sleeping pills may not be the answer after all, I thought as I went to the closet and pulled out my courtroom attire.

  Easing a pair of Marc Jacobs black slacks over my lace clad bottom, I made it to my phone on the third ring.

  “Hello?” I answered, feeling slightly uneasy because I didn’t recognize the number.

  “Baby girl…” Ty breathed into the phone.

  “Ty!” A smile warmed my face and heart as I instantly melted at his nickname for me.

  “Baby girl, meeting you was the best thing that ever happened to me. You are my life and I would do anything for you. You know that right?” His voice sounded strained and painfully low. Oh my God, did something happen to him? Did he cheat on me at the bar? Is he breaking up with me? I fretted with worry as my heart sank and my smile faded. Something had changed. I knew I wasn’t in any position to question him seeing as how I was ensnarled in a love triangle that he knew nothing about. But that didn’t stop my heart from breaking with each accelerated heartbeat.

  “Ty, what’s going on?” I asked slowly, trying to catch my breath.

  “I—I can’t talk. I just…called to say that. And to hear your voice.”

  I felt the panic rise from the pit of my stomach up and through my chest. “What happened? I don’t understand. Ty…what’s going on?” I implored as I sank onto the bed because I was unsure of my ability to continue to support my weight.

  “I can’t talk Sahara. I’ll explain everything when I get back home, okay? But know that I love you. I love you more than anything.”

  The tears rolled down my cheeks at his words. I was so confused and I hurt for him. I hurt for myself as well, but the pain in his voice sliced me open. “I love you too Tyree.” The phone disconnected and I was left sitting on the side of the bed feeling numb.

  “Sahara!” Emily yelled from outside the door. “The cinnamon rolls will be done in 15 minutes. Will you be ready by then?”

  “Uh huh,” I responded, scared to use actual words. Because of the lifelong bond we shared, Emily would have instantly picked up on the fact that I was upset.

  “Okay cool. I’m going to get dressed. If you hear the timer, please take them out! Thanks!” I heard her footsteps patter away.

  Taking deep breaths I focused on my breathing, taking myself through my breathing exercises to ward off the impending panic attack. I held back the remaining tears and got myself under control. One crisis at a time, I thought as my tattered heart returned to beating at a normal pace. I just need to make it through the hearing today and then I can focus on Ty, I encouraged myself, even though just the thought of his name caused my eyes to water.

  I put on my Victoria’s Secret black chiffon halter top and eyed it in the mirror. I can just make out my lacy plunge bra through the sheer fabric, I considered as I shifted from side to side. I’ll just keep my jacket on, I decided silently as I reached for the Marc Jacobs white tuxedo jacket with black piping and trim. I touched up the little eye makeup I used and removed any trace of my tears. I removed Ty’s birthday gift to me as I forgot to take it off before bed. I fingered it before squeezing it between my thumb and my forefinger. When I felt the sharp sting of my skin on the brink of breaking beneath the stone, I dropped the beautiful necklace into its velvet box. One crisis at a time, I repeated to myself as I heard the timer on the oven go off.

  Quickly putting on my Chanel pearl necklace and earrings, I walked out the room in my slippers. I took the cinnamon rolls out of the oven and placed them on top of the stove. I cut the oven off and walked back down the hall into the bedroom. Before I could shut the door, Emily walked out of her room. Her heels clicked loudly as she got closer to the guest bedroom. I had just sat down on the bed when she knocked on the door and poked her head in.

  “You ready for breakfast?” Emily seemed nervous as her eyes twitched a little and her smile seemed off.

  “I’m not really hungry. Are you?” I asked quietly as I slipped on my white Prada pumps with a black crisscross strap around the ankle.

  “No. Not really.” Emily opened the door all the way. She wore a pale pink pencil skirt with a navy blue shirt with pink and white polka dots. Her shoes were adorable navy blue kitten heels. Emily’s hair was braided into a crown around her head. Her makeup was light and she looked effortless.

  “You look really pretty, Em,” I said bringing a smile to her worried face.

  “Thanks. You do too. You always look so pulled together. We’re a hot pair,” Emily commented with a wink.

  “Agreed.”

  There was a knock at the door and we both exited the bedroom and headed to the kitchen.

  “Be right there!” Emily yelled. She turned to look at me and mouthed “are you okay?”

  I nodded and took a deep breath.

  “Good morning Manny,” Emily greeted her brother.

  “Good morning Emily,” Emanuel said from the doorway. He walked in wearing a navy blue suit and white shirt and tie. The blue made his eyes look like steel and his hair was slicked back. My mouth went dry when I saw him.

  “Good morning Sahara,” his voice quavered a bit as he took me in. He cleared his throat before he added in a stronger voice, “It smells great in here.”

  “You want breakfast? There’s plenty,” Emily said as she walked into the kitchen.

  “Yeah of course,” he replied. His eyes never left mine.

  I inhaled noisily as I tore my eyes away from him. I can’t handle this right now, I thought as I frantically looked around for something, anything to look at that wasn’t him. My breathing became increasingly labored as I realized there wasn’t anything in the room that demanded my attention more than his beautiful face.

  “Sahara…” Emanuel started and then he stopped, just letting my name hang in the air.

  “Emanuel, I can’t,” I whispered. I tried swallowing past the lump in my throat. I turned and went to the guest bedroom. I closed the door behind me and leaned against it. Catching my breath, I walked over to my luggage and pulled out my small black Lanvin shoulder bag. I transferred the contents from one handbag to the other. Picking up my phone last, I looked at it again. Double checking the calls and text messages, I verified if Ty followed up with an explanation. He hadn’t.

  Taking a deep breath and feelin
g calm and together, I quietly walked back out into the living room. I could hear Emily and Emanuel fussing in hushed tones in the kitchen.

  “Engaged Emanuel?!” Emily whisper-yelled.

  “Like I just said Em, I just went along with it. I thought…I didn’t think okay? I wanted to tell the family in May, but then the mess with the hearing popped up and you announced that Sahara was coming back and I just…I just freaked. I didn’t want to make an announcement about an engagement when the only woman I’ve ever imagined myself with was coming into town. We have enough shit to deal with today. So just drop it,” Emanuel snapped. His voice sounded equally tired and annoyed. Oh wow… I gasped to myself. I tried to get closer by inching along the wall.

  “Well I will say this and then I will drop it. You marrying Ashlyn is a mistake. Things may work out with Sahara and things may not. But regardless, we, as a family, would rather see you happy than to see you settle. What if—”

  “We don’t have anything else to discuss Emily. I love you, but you don’t know shit about what I’m going through. I love Sahara and if there’s a chance, I’m taking it. You know how I was. You know what I went through. If I can’t get over her, I have to try to have her.” Emanuel’s voice was determined.

  “You need to give her some space Manny.” Emily’s voice was softer and kinder. “You think a weekend at home will get rid of the guilt and pain she’s lived with for the last ten years? You know how long it took us to get to where we are…multiply that by the fact she has no living family except us and she thought we hated her up until Saturday. A weekend isn’t going to fix her brokenness, Manny.”

  Even after all these years, Emily understands me only the way a sister can. I love her for understanding my situation and for seeing me, all of me, and all of my pain, I thought as I brought my hand to my chest. I rubbed the spot above my heart.