The Biggest Part of Me

by Malinda Martin

  “Okay, okay, very funny. I’m serious here.”

  “It’s okay, honey. That sort of thing is bound to run through an office.”

  At first taken aback by his casual endearment, a reference she hadn’t heard in years, she stiffened to bring her back to the point.

  Seriously, she replied, “But Jay, I have to work with these people. What should I do to—”

  “Listen, I can’t really talk now. I’m in the middle of something. Why don’t we talk about it tonight? Meet me at ‘McGrane’s on the Meadow’ at seven. We’ll get some dinner.”

  “I don’t know Jay—“

  “I’ve got a few questions on the campaign. We can discuss that and whatever you want to talk about. Seven o’clock. See you then.”

  Before Jane could answer, the phone disconnected. She held the receiver to her chin and thought. He wants to meet me for dinner. Just to discuss the campaign, the gossip situation. But she wondered, and secretly hoped it was more.

  Slowly walking out of her office, she shyly looked around. Vincent from media relations was reviewing a few notes with a secretary. Maggie Sanders was at her assistant Kerry Bolton’s desk. Everyone seemed to be busy at work. She wasn’t so sure. Taking a deep breath she walked to Sally’s desk. “I think I should confront this head on.”

  Baffled Sally said, “Okay . . . what exactly?”

  “All this gossip. It’s making me nervous. Time for a little impromptu office meeting.” And then she looked around and in her most formal voice said, “I’d like everyone to give me his or her attention for just a moment.” As the sounds of keyboards and copiers still filled the air, Jane realized that she was holding her breath and therefore speaking a little too softly to be heard.

  Sally took over. “Just leave it to me.” She stuck two fingers in her mouth and let out an ear-piercing whistle. Everyone looked up. Vincent said, “Wow!” Jane stood there shocked. Sally just grinned and said, “Teacher’s aid, Waco, Texas.”

  Jane began again. “If you’d give me your attention for just a moment, I’d like to clear up a few things. About what you saw in my office the other day. .” There were muffled giggles and coughs. “It really was not anything, nothing to get worked up about. I mean, we were simply caught in the moment, that’s all. It was a one-time thing and will not happen again, I’m sure. So, there’s no reason to even mention it anymore.”

  “Then why are you mentioning it?” asked Maggie. Giggles. All eyes were on Jane as she felt her face slowly turn red.

  “I just don’t like being the target of office gossip. Especially over something that . . was . . insignificant.”

  Kerry, Maggie’s assistant spoke up. “Jane, it’s just that we’ve never seen you so . . involved in a kiss. We didn’t even know you were seeing Mr. Collins.”

  “I’m not. It was a mistake,” Jane said.

  “I should be so lucky to have that kind of a mistake,” Maggie lamented sarcastically. More giggles.

  Sally piped in. “I thought you and that Mr. Simpson were engaged.”

  “We are.”

  Vincent wandered over and decided to join the discussion. “Does Simpson know you’re seeing Jason Collins?”

  “I’m not!” Jane exclaimed. She hesitated but felt she should explain things a bit. “Look, Jason Collins and I are old friends. We grew up together. That kiss was nothing more than a nostalgic trip back to when we dated.” More people from the company had found their way to the 15 floor marketing offices at this point, enjoying the story.

  “You dated one of the most eligible bachelors in New York City?” Maggie exclaimed.

  “Years ago, before he was one of the most eligible bachelors in New York City. We’re friends now, nothing more.”

  “But I heard you were kissing him in your office,” Vincent said. Then added, “Does the big boss know you’re seeing Jason Collins?”

  “I’m not, I’m . . .oh, forget it.” At the end of her wits, Jane marched into her office and crammed several files into her briefcase. She grabbed her coat and stomped back out to Sally’s desk. “I’m going home to work for the rest of the day.” Turning to face the crowd watching her, she said, “Enjoy your gossip. I’m not listening.” Then with her head held high and assuming the posture of royalty, she marched to the elevators. All eyes were on her as she punched the down button. And waited. And waited. The elevator seemed to take forever.

  Meanwhile, the office was silent as everyone was watching her, perhaps waiting for a farewell address. Finally, the doors opened. She walked in and gracefully turned around to face her audience. They all stood there waiting for her to speak as if she were Joan of Arc preparing to be sacrificed. Feeling the need for a closing statement she tried the old movie standard, “I’ll be back.” Seeing their confused looks she added, “What do you want from me, Shakespeare?” Then the doors closed.

  Maggie said, “Methinks the lady doth protest too much.”

  Jane walked into her apartment in the upper Westside of Manhattan. It was good to be home. She always enjoyed coming into her little one bedroom flat, even if she had to walk up three flights of stairs. It was small and homey. She dropped her briefcase on the table and hung her coat. Looking at the briefcase she thought. I could be doing a little paperwork or get ready for my date with Jason. Stop it! It’s not a date. But I do need to wash my hair and do my nails. Without much resistance, grooming took precedence over work. Uncharacteristically so. She would make the work up tomorrow.

  She started the bath running and added a coconut flavored bubble bath to the water. As she undressed and stepped into the hot water, she found herself humming. When was the last time she had been humming? She carefully washed her hair with her apple-spiced shampoo. Her fingernails and toenails were buffed and polished in a light pink shade. The short hair that she dried with the towel was then dried and styled with the edges curling under to highlight her face. All the while she was humming.

  Looking into her closet was a dilemma. What to wear? “McGrane’s on the Meadow” was a nice restaurant so that eliminated part of her wardrobe. She really wasn’t in a business mood, so no suits. Another section gone. That left her really nice dresses. And then she spotted it—the long sleeved black dress that she had worn a year ago to the company Christmas party. She had received several compliments on it. But was it too much for an “almost date?” The heck with it, she thought and put it on. The dress fit like a dream. The bodice was fitted and had a deep v-neck. The skirt twirled around her shapely legs. The material was soft and silky, very touchable.

  Jane looked through her special jewelry box for pieces to accessorize her outfit. In the bottom she pulled out a large class ring. Looking at it she realized she should have given it back to him after first seeing him again. She couldn’t. For all these years she felt like the ring was a small connection to the man that would forever hold a piece of her heart. Even now holding the ring, she smiled thinking of the love that they had shared. Jane wasn’t ready to give the ring back just yet.

  She added a few pieces of jewelry and then concentrated on her makeup. When it was time to leave, she stepped to the front door and turned to look in the full-length mirror. She liked what she saw. And then she saw it—the sparkle in her eyes. It was enough to make her instantly freeze.

  “What am I doing?” she said aloud. It was all too clear what she was doing. She was falling, and falling hard. She sighed heavily. The last thing she had expected was to fall back in love with Jason. She remembered how wonderful it had been to be in love with him. She had been happy, excited, and content. She had hummed all the time. Then life had gotten in the way. They had their dreams, college and career. It had been time to move on. Jason had never intended to stay with Jane. After her twenty-first birthday, the walk along the beach, and his “warming her up” in his car she hadn’t heard from him again. No good-byes, have a great life, you were very important to me, I’ll never forget you. Nothing. It had hurt.

  “Now look at you. You’re acting li
ke a pathetic schoolgirl going out with the big man on campus.” This time would be different. She was different. She would be cool, confident. As she grabbed her coat and purse and walked out the door she thought, I’m not going to simply give my heart away. If he wants it, he’ll have to give me a very good reason to give it.

  The light covering of snow on Central Park gave “McGrane’s on the Meadow” a romantic look, with its shimmering lights and massive flower arrangements. Jane always loved coming here. She was glad that Jason had chosen it.

  After handing her coat to the attendant, she began looking around for Jason. The restaurant was very busy she noticed for a Thursday night. How had Jason gotten reservations at the last moment? Of course, being an influential businessman might have something to do with that. A sudden surge of pride for him filled her body. If anyone deserved success, Jason did.

  Then she saw him. He stood over in a quiet corner, talking on his cell phone. The black suit that he wore looked fresh and polished, although he was probably coming from work. The red and black striped tie matched the suit perfectly. His chestnut brown hair was slightly mussed from the weather, causing her to sigh. His brown eyes were narrow while he focused on his conversation, displaying the intensity with which helped him run a successful business. Jane just stood there, smiling and appreciating.

  When he looked up and saw her, he froze. His eyes widened and the corners of his mouth lifted. He quickly ended his call and put his cell phone in his pocket. Slowly walking towards Jane he tried to slow his speeding heart rate down. He stood before her, trying to come up with just the right words to convey how beautiful she was. There were none, so he said, “You are breathtaking.”

  Jane smiled and looked down, a little embarrassed by the compliment. So much for the cool confidence, she thought. Her insides were turning to jelly but she didn’t care.

  Jason took her arm as they were shown to their table in a back room. The brilliant lights outside the window looked like diamonds against the black night sky. The hostess led them to a quiet table near the window so they could view the night. Moonlight flickered through the bare trees lighting the snow. The outside was cold but inside the restaurant, hearts were warm.

  Conversation was light and surprisingly easy. Both talked about their work. Jason chose a wine for dinner and as always Jane was impressed by his knowledge of wine, food, everything. While they waited for their food, Jason reached across the table and held Jane’s hand, looking into her eyes.

  Had Jane’s eyes always been the sparkling blue that Jason saw tonight? He had forgotten. He had forgotten so much. The touch of her hand, the glow of her face, the shape of her lips. He really wanted to relearn that last one. Was he in a dream or was he really here sitting across from the girl of his dreams? This was the only woman he had ever truly loved. It was the only woman he wanted.

  Dinner was, as always, delicious. Following dessert and coffee, Jason leaned back in his chair. “Now, wasn’t there something that we were going to discuss tonight?” he said.

  Jane’s mind went blank. She was having such a good time being with Jason that the events of the afternoon had gone completely out of her mind. “I can’t remember. Didn’t you have some questions on the campaign?” she asked.

  “They must not have been very important. I can’t think of them. Didn’t you want to ask me something about office gossip?” Jason supplied.

  “Oh, that’s right. I think I’ve got a handle on it now.”

  “Good. I really didn’t think there was anything to worry about. I mean it was only a few kisses. Very good kisses, mind you, but that’s all.”

  A twinge of irritation took seed in Jane’s mind. How could he kiss her like he had and then say it meant nothing? She decided to play along. “You’re absolutely right. It was just the meeting of lips, nothing more. It was two old friends simply saying ‘Hey, it’s been a long time.’ Nothing more. And something that will probably never happen again.”

  “Well, we’ll see,” Jason muttered as he sipped his coffee.

  Fury then ousted the irritation. Jane leaned over and looked him in the eyes. “You know what your problem is, Jason Collins? You don’t take relationships seriously. No wonder you haven’t found someone to share your life with. News flash. Women that you kiss do not like to be told that it was ‘just a kiss.’”

  Enjoying the turn of this conversation, Jason decided to pursue it. “Oh really? Then tell me, what do women like to be told?”

  Jane thought for a moment. “Women like to be told that a kiss was special, that it meant a great deal to you, that the woman you kissed means a great deal to you.”

  Taking her hands in his, Jason ignored the engagement ring that she still wore and looked deeply into Jane’s eyes and said, “That kiss was special. It meant a great deal to me. You, Janie, mean a great deal to me.”

  Jane felt her heart leap. The emotions began churning inside her like a troubled sea. She felt herself melting under the gaze of those huge, brown eyes, so full of desire. She could so easily be back under the spell of this man. She had to be strong. This was her chance to find some answers and finally have closure with Jason.

  Softly she spoke, “Jay, you don’t really mean that.”

  “Of course I do.” Jason leaned closer to Jane. “Sweetheart, you must know that.”

  If only she could believe that. She took back her hands and nervously placed them in her lap as she looked down. “No, Jason. I was never more than a convenient girlfriend for you. I was there when you needed a girl to learn to kiss, to dance, to . . . you know.”

  Jason was shocked. “You think that’s all you were to me? You don’t think I meant it when I said I loved you?”

  Her sad eyes turned to him. “No, I don’t. After my twenty-first birthday I never heard from you. Nothing. I felt so alone and miserable. I could have used a note or two from the man that supposedly loved me. But you let me know just how involved you were.” Jane looked down again, embarrassed that tears were filling her eyes.

  Jason was ready to explode. He mentally counted to ten and then in a low, cold voice said, “Do you know what I went through? Can you even begin to understand the pain I felt, knowing the one I loved would rather be across the ocean pursuing what she wants than being with me, building a life?”

  This caught Jane’s attention. “How am I supposed to believe that? You couldn’t wait to be rid of me.” Anger flared in Jane’s words as she picked up her purse, ready for the evening to end.

  “You really don’t have a clue, do you?” Jason stared at her with disbelief. Then he called out, “Check,” and grabbed Jane’s arm.

  Leaving the restaurant, Jason continued to hold Jane’s arm. As the valet retrieved Jason’s car and they were finally alone Jane angrily said, “Just what do you think you’re doing?”

  “You want to know how important you were to me? I’m going to show you.”

  Nervously, Jane said, “What do you mean?”

  “I’ve got something back at my apartment that I think will let you know just how serious I was about you and you’re going to see it.”

  The ride over to the East side high rise went quickly and quietly. Jane sat tensed and unsure. Out of the corner of her eye she saw Jason breathing heavily, jaw locked, gripping the steering wheel so hard his knuckles were turning white. Jane kept telling herself that this was good. They needed to clear the air. Why was her stomach in knots?

  Jason led Jane into his apartment and, turning on a lamp in the living room, walked to the large leather couch. “Sit,” he ordered. She started to speak but after seeing the fury in his eyes, decided to simply sit. He stalked back to his bedroom and soon returned with the familiar box that had held her gloves and ring. Setting the box on his coffee table he sat next to Jane and began digging into the box. He took off his coat to enable him to dig deeper. Unable to contain her curiosity, Jane peeked in and saw a treasure trove of memorabilia from Jason’s childhood. She saw basketball trophies, yearbooks, and pictures.


  Jason continued to rummage through the box obviously looking for something specific. Jane was going to ask what he was looking for but the intense look in his eyes made her think twice about saying anything.

  The ringing of the phone cut through the silence. Jason cursed under his breath and stood up. “Do not go through that box. I’ll be right back,” he sternly told Jane. Jason grabbed the cordless phone and realizing that it was an important business call, retreated to his den.

  Jane sat still wondering what was going on. She wasn’t the kind of girl that simply took orders but Jason had been so adamant. It wasn’t like him. Glancing over at the box, she peered inside. A grayish document caught her eye. It was folded but in the middle she could make out her name, Jane Elizabeth Kendall. Just before her name was Jason Robert Collins. At the bottom were their signatures. She didn’t remember signing anything like this. Consumed by curiosity, she reached into the box and retrieved the document. She heard Jason coming back into the room as he was finishing his call. Not knowing what to do, she quickly folded the document and slipped it into her purse to look at later.

  Jason sat and began looking through the box again. Finding what he was looking for, he turned to face Jane. His eyes had changed now. The anger had faded and Jane saw tenderness, along with hurt. She yearned to wipe away the hurt and see him smile.

  Taking a deep breath, Jason spoke softly. “When we met for your twenty-first birthday, I knew that we were at a crossroad. We were both thinking about the future and what we wanted. That night, after dinner, I had planned to give you this.” He showed Jane a small box and opened it for her to see. Inside, set against a dark blue velvet background, sat a small diamond solitaire engagement ring.

  Jane gasped. Her hands flew to cover her mouth. Tears came to her eyes and before she could blink, they began to fall. No louder than a whisper she said, “You were going to ask me to marry you?”

  “Yes,” Jason said reluctantly.

  Still in a state of shock she whispered, “Why didn’t you?”