The Wedding Dress Yes (Crossroads Collection)

by Amanda Tru

  When that happens, I think about all the fun we’ve had painting Auntie’s tummy. And I remember what Auntie and Mom and everyone always say… that who knows? God might make a miracle. So that’s what I’m hoping is going to happen because anything else is just too sad to even imagine.

  It’s been a while since the last time I wrote, but thankfully I don’t think Mom cares too much. She’s been too busy helping Auntie and getting everything ready for that reenactment she’s been planning. Aunt Rhonda still hasn’t found a way to send her the dress either. I wish I had a way to make Mom happy, and sometimes it’s hard to know if she’s sad because she’s too big to fit into her wedding dress anymore or if she’s mad at her sister or if she’s sad because of Auntie Hannah. Things with Baby Grace aren’t going all that well.

  Auntie’s still healthy. That’s the good part. Last week we had to hurry her into the hospital because her tummy hurt so much she thought Baby Grace might be ready to come out, but they gave her some medicine to make the pain stop. We stayed with her at the hospital for a little while, though, at least until Uncle Simon could come be with her. I think I’ve told you about how quiet and shy he is. And some of that’s because of his English. (He and Auntie still speak Korean, and so does Emily too even though she’s got pale skin and red hair and freckles. But Auntie likes to tease that Emily’s Korean is better than mine!)

  But even when he’s talking Korean, Uncle Simon still always talks real quiet-like, which makes me wonder how he does at being a pastor on account of my dad having such a loud voice. A lot of people say Dad sounds like James Earl Jones. That’s the actor who played the voice of Darth Vader. He was also in The Lion King movie (He did the voice of Mufasa), but I haven’t seen that one in years. Dad likes to get up on stage and shout at folks, and I can’t see Uncle Simon doing that at his church, except I’ve never been to his church before on account of it being at the same time as Dad’s.

  Anyway, when Uncle Simon got to the hospital, he started praying at Auntie’s tummy. And I guess I should say he was praying to God (obviously), but he was talking like he was talking right to Auntie’s tummy. And then do you know what he did? It’s the perfect truth. He started singing Baby Grace a lullaby. It was one of the real famous ones from back in Korea, so I even remembered my grandma singing it to me years before I ever became an orphan or got myself adopted and ended up in America. Except he changed the words just a little, so it was more like he was praying to God about the baby, and it got Mom crying and Auntie crying and even one of the nurses crying. But we didn’t feel sad. It was strange. And Uncle Simon really doesn’t have the best of voices, truth be told, except this turned into one of the prettiest songs I think I ever heard.

  Auntie’s home now, and by home I mean here at our house on account of this being where she lives during the day until Uncle Simon gets home from work. And she’s not having that pain in her stomach anymore, which is good news, but the pregnancy itself has got her really uncomfortable, especially since her body forgot to make all that liquid Baby Grace is supposed to be swimming around in. I guess if you don’t have that, it can be really painful. I asked Mom if she thought Baby Grace was hurting too, but Mom said she expected not. I was glad to hear that much.

  In two weeks, Auntie’s going to go to the hospital, and they’re going to take Grace out. She’ll have to have that surgery where you cut the mom open instead of letting the baby fall out the normal way. And I think in most cases it’s exciting to get ready for a baby to be born, but in this case, it’s not on account of all the sad things that might happen once she’s on the outside.

  Mom says the chances of Grace surviving even just a day are really low. Most likely, she’ll die there in the hospital with Auntie. And I think that’s an abomination, but Mom says it’s beautiful because for every single minute Grace’s alive, she’s going to know just how special she is. I have a foster brother who’s a real photographer. He does fancy weddings and things like that, and he’s going to take pictures at Mom and Dad’s ceremony, but he’s also going to come and take pictures of Baby Grace so that her family has some really pretty photos to keep and remember.

  I kind of wish there was a way that God could just make Grace stop growing and stay in Auntie’s tummy forever on account of her being just fine in there and not in pain at all. But like Mom always says, God knows what he’s doing, and he’ll always make good things come even out of the worst situations.

  Auntie’s doing really well. She’s tired, but she says she has a lot more peace now than she did at first. Maybe it’s God’s way of telling her everything will be okay, but she doesn’t cry as much, and when we talk she’ll actually laugh sometimes. Real laughing, not just the pretending kind. She says she never expected to be able to have a baby in her belly at all and that Grace is a little miracle no matter what, and she feels really blessed to be her mommy.

  Emily’s still having fun playing with her baby sister too. She and I will sometimes get behind the couch and do puppet shows. Mom says babies can hear even before they’re born, so maybe Grace even hears us. And since she probably won’t ever grow up and learn all the things a baby’s supposed to learn, I’ve been doing my best to teach her. I’ll sit with Auntie and sometimes Emily, and I’ll talk to Baby Grace in her mom’s belly. Like I’m teaching her the animal sounds and some nursery rhymes, and Auntie says she especially likes it when I tell Baby Grace stories about Jesus, so we do that a lot too.

  And in a way, I can kind of see what Mom means. Some babies are born not being loved at all, and even if they live for a hundred years, if nobody wants you or cares about you, that’s really sad and tragic. With Baby Grace, she’s been loved from the very second she showed up in Auntie’s tummy, and you know she’s going to be loved every single second she’s alive.

  For however long that is.

  Mom brought home a video from the church library today, and we all watched it together. Turns out there was this Christian lady with a baby sick with something real similar to what Baby Grace’s got. And she recorded her testimony (that’s the story you say in church about how God helped or stuff and nonsense like that). So that’s what we watched with Auntie this afternoon.

  That lady, I think her name was Sarah, but I forget just now, she knew that her baby couldn’t ever live outside the womb on account of her missing some of her important parts and was also having trouble with those chromosomes like what happened with Grace. And would you believe that at first, the doctors didn’t even think she should stay pregnant with the baby? Except that’s not what happened on account of this lady being a Christian and telling the doctors God might do a miracle on her baby.

  Well, God didn’t give her the miracle she wanted (which was make her baby totally healed), but he did another miracle, she said, and that was to help teach her how to trust him even though what was happening to her little girl was so sad. It was interesting how many similarities there were with her story and Auntie’s too. Like, did you know Sarah’s tummy forgot to make that special fluid, so she was real uncomfortable at the end of her pregnancy too? And she also had another little girl at the time who was almost exactly Emily’s age and even looked like her (at least with the freckles and pale skin, but not the red hair).

  At first, I was worried she’d be too sad, but when it was done, she said how happy she felt knowing she wasn’t the only person going through something like this. And she said she wondered if there was a way to get in touch with that lady to hear more of her story and know what? Mom said she already spoke with her on account of Mom knowing one of the teachers at a seminary (that’s a college for pastors) where the lady’s husband works. She said she talked to her, and the lady said that any time Auntie wanted to call she could.

  And would you know that Auntie’s shy (but not as shy as her husband), but she said she would like that very much, and maybe she’d do it as early as tomorrow.

  People from Auntie’s church have been really good to her. They bring over lots of presents and toy
s for Emily to play with while she’s here, and they bring food too (on account of lots of them not knowing how much Mom loves to cook, so they think they’re being helpful). Sometimes they stay and pray with Auntie, and sometimes they just drop off their presents or dinners and go, but Auntie always smiles and tells them thank you, and people always comment about how peaceful she looks. Mom says that’s what happens when you’ve got the Holy Spirit living in you, except I’ve got the Holy Spirit in me, and I don’t feel nearly as good about what’s going on.

  Dad took me to the men’s breakfast with him a few days ago, and on the way there he asked me how I’m feeling about Baby Grace, and would you believe that was the first time I even thought about a question like that? Because during the days home with Mom, we’re just so worried about Auntie we don’t stop to think about how anyone else is doing except maybe for Emily from time to time.

  And I told Dad I was a little mad at God, truth be told, and he surprised me by saying that was totally okay. And then I expected him to give a long sermon about trust or faith or things like that, but he didn’t say anything else.

  And you know what? That was just fine by me.

  Today’s been a pretty fun day, all things considered. Becky’s mom got off work early, and we got to go swimming at the YMCA. I’m still not the world’s best swimmer, but there’s a water slide there, and we had a lot of fun until we got so cold our teeth were chattering. It was nice to do something different for a while that wasn’t just sitting around at home playing with Emily and waiting for Auntie’s baby to be born.

  Since it’s the weekend, we’re going to do a movie night once all the dinner dishes are cleared away. I told Dad I think I’m old enough now for Star Wars 3, and he said I probably was, but I’d still have to ask Mom.

  During dinner, we talked some more about baby Spencer. Now that we know pretty much for certain how sick Baby Grace is (unless God decides to do a miracle, which he certainly could do if he wanted), Mom says we’ve all got to be prepared for a really sad day next week.

  I asked what it was like when Baby Spencer died because as much as they’ve talked about him lately, I realized that we haven’t ever said anything about that. I didn’t even know if he was at the hospital when he died or somewhere else. So Mom said he was at the hospital on account of an infection he’d gotten in his lungs. And she said it happened really fast too. Like, one day he was fine, and then the next day he had a fever over 104, which is really serious when you’re that little and that sick to begin with.

  So the doctors listened to his lungs and even did an x-ray, and they did other tests too, and the way Mom puts it, they said his body was just shutting down. Like it was too hard for each of the parts to keep on working, so they decided to quit one at a time. It was his heart that quit last, and Mom said it was real sad but also real peaceful. She said she was holding him, and Dad was there, and the other kids were at a friend’s house for the night. And the nurses kind of knew he was going to die soon, so they even took some of the machines and monitors off so it wouldn’t be so loud. Mom said it wasn’t like in the hospital parts of movies where all of a sudden all the alarms start going off, and the doctors and nurses run in and try to shock the life back into you or whatnot. She said all that happened was she was holding him and singing, and she and Dad were praying, and then all of a sudden, they both stopped praying and looked at each other and just knew. And sure enough, that was when God decided he was ready to take Spencer right on up to heaven.

  I was kind of surprised that Mom didn’t start crying telling the story on account of her crying so much these days, being worried about Auntie and stuff and nonsense like that. But she said it was the most beautiful passing she could have imagined and that when it’s her time to go (these are her words, not mine), she hoped it’d be something just like that. Quiet and peaceful. And she said even once he died, Spencer looked really calm and happy.

  Then Dad laughed and told a funny story which didn’t really sound all that funny to me, but Mom started laughing a little then too. What happened, see, was nobody told Mom and Dad that if you have a baby that little who dies, you’re supposed to give the funeral company an outfit for them to be buried in. And so the next day when they were trying to figure out the best way to get Spencer buried and give him a really nice funeral service, they realized that he was wearing Bugs Bunny pajamas on account of that being all the funeral folks could find that would fit him.

  And Mom said pajamas were a good idea for a baby funeral except she would have liked someone to tell her she could have picked something else out if she wanted. So I asked what Baby Grace was going to get buried in, and then Mom and Dad stopped laughing because I guess it reminded them of the really sad thing that may happen in just a few days if God doesn’t give everyone a miracle. And Mom said she didn’t know, but she would talk to Auntie about it tomorrow, and Dad said maybe we should ask Uncle Simon instead on account of it being so sad to discuss. Then I decided we’d talked too much about sad things, so I asked what movie we were going to watch for family movie night, and I decided not to ask about Star Wars 3 tonight on account of it being a sad movie (even Becky says it’s the saddest), and Dad says he thinks what we really need is a comedy.

  And you know what? I think he’s right.

  I found out something really interesting today. You know how last night we started talking about what Baby Grace should wear if God doesn’t give her a miracle and she ends up having to be buried like the doctors say she will? Well I asked Dad if I could do a Google search, and he said it was okay, so I started looking things up, and I got this really interesting idea.

  At first, I thought it was a little strange, but to be totally honest, everything’s strange when you’re talking about funeral clothes for a baby. And then I started to think that maybe it was a good idea after all, so I told Dad, and he liked it too. In fact, he liked it so much he told Mom, and Mom didn’t even cry like I thought she would but said it would be perfect and she’d mention the idea to Auntie as soon as she could work it into the conversation.

  So if Auntie agrees (and I guess Uncle Simon would have to agree too on account of Baby Grace being his daughter too), here’s what’s going to happen. Dad’s going to get in touch with Aunt Rhonda. You remember all the stuff going on about that wedding dress Mom wanted her to fix? Well, it sounds like either Aunt Rhonda isn’t going to fix it or can’t make it able to fit Mom for the wedding reenactment coming up. But there’s something else she can do instead.

  Here's what I found out when I did that Google search last night. Some ladies who don’t know what to do with their old wedding dresses end up giving them to folks like Aunt Rhonda who sew for a living. And then these sewing ladies, what they do is they cut up the fabric and turn it into little tiny clothes like dresses and pretty white suits for babies like Grace who may have to get buried after they’re born.

  See, I started thinking about those Bugs Bunny pajamas and Spencer, and I don’t want Auntie to be sad ten or twenty years from now that she didn’t have anything prettier for Baby Grace. And even though we’re all still really hoping and praying that God does a miracle, Mom says we’ve got to be prepared for the worst in case he says no.

  Mom looked at the patterns, and she said one of the pretty white dresses would be just perfect. So we’re going to talk to Auntie about the idea, but Mom wants to wait for just the right time, which I think makes sense. This probably isn’t the kind of conversation you jump into first thing when you see somebody, know what I mean?

  I feel kind of happy that I was maybe able to help. And then I asked Mom, “Well, what happens if Baby Grace is just fine and doesn’t need the dress at all? Would you feel sad for ruining your wedding dress?” And Mom said no, that we could either donate the dress to another family going through something similar in that case, or maybe Auntie would even want to keep the dress as the reminder of the miracle God did. And I thought both ideas sounded good.

  So now we just need to wait for t
he right time to talk to Auntie (Mom’s going to do that part), and then if she says yes, Dad says he’ll get in touch with Aunt Rhonda. (He thought that would be a better idea than Mom doing it on account of Mom being so likely to cry and having her feelings hurt so bad if Aunt Rhonda says no.) And Mom even said there’s enough fabric in the dress that maybe they could make several outfits, not all for Grace but for other babies who might need them. And the really good news is it finally feels like she’s okay with not being able to wear her wedding dress to her reenactment after all.

  Well, tomorrow’s the day that Auntie’s going in to have Baby Grace taken out of her tummy. Mom’s been crying all day. Auntie does too, except for when she’s praying. Even Emily is acting pretty sad because her parents have told her that her baby sister might not be alive by this time tomorrow.

  We got Grace’s dress in the mail yesterday, the one Aunt Rhonda made out of Mom’s old one. Auntie hasn’t opened the box. She says she’s not ready to look at it yet, but Mom says she’s glad she finally found something useful to do with her dress now that she can’t wear it anymore. And I still don’t know what Dad said to Aunt Rhonda to make her okay with doing what she did. I’m just happy that if God doesn’t give Baby Grace a miracle tomorrow, she’ll have something pretty to wear when she goes up to heaven to meet him.