Stark's Dell

by Robin Roseau

And that was the first time I'd thought of Dee Dee in days. Weeks. My heart constricted with the loss, but it wasn't debilitating like it had been in the past.

  I almost drove right past the cemetery on the way home, then stopped and pulled in. I walked straight to the grave I had grown to think of as Dee Dee's grave, the one I'd seen her standing at in the past. I hadn't expected it, but the plastic bag with my letters were still there. I stared at them for a moment, surprised that no one had taken them away. I pulled them out and found that yes, they were mine, just like I had left them. The bag was weathered but had held up through the autumn far more than I would have expected. I walked back to my car, fished through a backpack for paper, and pulled out a notebook. I walked back to the grave and sat down in front of it.

  "Hello, Dee Dee," I write. "It's Wednesday, before Thanksgiving. This is my first visit home since leaving in September. I'll be here until New Year's Day." I went on to tell her a little about school, finishing with, "I would love to see you. Please, Dee Dee, come see me." I signed the note and added it to the bag, replacing it on the grave, using the same rock to weight it down.

  Mom was happy to see me. We hugged and kissed, and she doted on me. We'd been talking on the phone, but it wasn't the same as being in person. She asked how my exams and papers had gone and asked to be brought up to date on my love life.

  I immediately began blushing horribly. Mom looked embarrassed for a moment, then pulled me into her arms. "I love you," she said quietly. "I will always love you."

  Thanksgiving was just Mom and I that year. Dad had some cousins, but we'd never been close, and we had grown more distant after Dad had died. Mom's only sibling, my Aunt Joan, had gone to Florida with her husband; Iowa in November is usually grey and depressing. I called Aunt Joan and talked to her briefly, but that was it.

  Still, even with it just being the two of us, we made a fabulous meal, a turkey with all the fixings. It was a small bird, but we had leftovers to last a month.

  It was great to be home, but by Monday the pleasantness of the solitude wore off. I missed Rachel, Linda, Julie, and my classes. I was already looking forward to school resuming in January.

  I'm not sure my sanity would have remained intact through December if it weren't for the Internet. I talked to Rachel nearly every day. Linda and I had a couple of virtual dates, each of us alone in our beds at night, where we engaged in the modern equivalent of phone sex. I emailed back and forth with Julie as well, but she'd warned me that she didn't have privacy at home. "Do not out me," she had said. So our exchanges were strained.

  But she sent me photos of Japan, and I loved receiving them.

  Then Rachel told me her parents had made other plans for her, but that maybe we could each spend time at the other's home next summer.

  I had all my books for winter term, so I spent December getting a jump on my studies. What else was I to do?

  Every few days, I wrote new letters to Dee Dee, leaving them in the bag. They were never touched, but I wrote them anyway. I was sure she'd be back some day. Wouldn't she?

  Christmas came. Mom had asked me what I wanted for Christmas, and I told her, "Take me shopping for clothes."

  "You never used to care about clothes," she said. "Jeans and comfortable shirts. Tennis shoes. Hiking shoes. Warm jackets." She smiled at me. "Making up for lost time?"

  I didn't answer.

  So at Christmas, I received an envelope containing a note that said, "Shopping spree." And I received a small box that contained a beautiful amethyst necklace. Aunt Ruth sent a large box, and when I opened it, I found the most amazing purple dress. It was shamefully sexy, and I loved it.

  When I called her to thank her, she simply said, "Your father would be so proud of you, Emily."

  * * * *

  Two days later, with Mom driving, we drove back to Des Moines. At first it looked like we were heading to one of the malls in West Des Moines, but we drove right past.

  "We missed the turn."

  "We have another stop first," she said. Mom refused to answer any questions, but several minutes later, we pulled into the Des Moines airport.

  "What are we doing here?"

  "There's a package waiting for us."

  "A package? Since when do you have to go to the airport to pick up packages?"

  "This one would spoil if shipped any other way," Mom said. After that, she wouldn't answer any questions. We parked and stepped into the airport, going to baggage claim. Mom made a call on her cell phone then said, "We have to wait. Someone will come get us when it's ready for pickup. We're a little early."

  We stood around waiting. It was all very strange to me, and I didn't know what was going on. Then a set of arms wrapped around me from behind, and Mom looked over my shoulders at someone.

  I spun around and found myself nose to nose with Rachel. She was smiling, then laughed at my expression.

  I pulled her into a fierce hug and whispered in her ear, "I thought your parents made plans."

  "They did," she said. "My parents and your mother arranged this. They didn't even tell me until they put me on the plane."

  "Oh god, I've missed you," I told her.

  We continued to hug, then I pulled Mom into a three-way hug. "Thank you," I told her.

  "Surprise," she said.

  * * * *

  January arrived, and with it a return to campus. I stopped by Linda's, but she wasn't in yet. I left her a message but got a text later. "Sorry, busy tonight. I'll call you."

  I already knew Julie wasn't scheduled to arrive until late, but I stopped by her room and left a note. At 11:30, I received a text from her. "Hey. Too late to call?"

  I called her immediately. She picked up with the words, "Long day. Long long, day. Do you know how far Tokyo is? I'll tell you. Too freaking far."

  "I've missed you."

  "I'm so tired I can't see straight, but my body thinks it's early afternoon and I should be up."

  "Want some help sleeping?" I asked, trying to put as much leer into it as I could.

  "Actually, I won't be able to sleep, but I'd like to see you."

  There was a knock at the door. Rachel glanced over and saw I was on the phone, so she went and answered it.

  "I'd like that," I said. "I'll walk over."

  "No you won't," she said from behind me. I turned around, and Julie was standing there. I stared at her for a moment before jumping to my feet and pulling her into a hug. We kissed, a deep, thorough kiss, that didn't break until Rachel cleared her throat.

  I blushed, but Julie and I separated an inch or two.

  "I brought candles," Julie said. "I thought, maybe, if you two were going to bed soon, I could kind of hang out, cuddle with Emily for a bit, then slip out quietly. Would that freak you out, Rachel?"

  "Is cuddle a euphemism for anything? Cause if the two of you are going to get down with it, I need a minute to set up my web cam. I'm so recording it to sell on eBay."

  Julie laughed. "Record all you want."

  Julie had brought more than candles. She had a whole bag with her including her tea set. While the three of us caught up from six weeks apart, Julie made tea for us, setting the candles out and lighting them while the tea steeped. "This is herbal tea," she said, serving Rachel and me.

  We talked for an hour, Rachel sitting on her bed and Julie and I on mine. At one point, Julie lay down and put her head in my lap. I liked that a lot. When Julie got up to make more tea, Rachel and I got on our pajamas. Rachel saw me pull out my winter jammies and hissed at me, stepping over and shoving them back into my dresser drawer. She pulled out a black teddy and thrust it at me. I grinned at her, and got ready for bed.

  Julie smiled when she saw what I was wearing. We drank more tea before settling into bed. Julie cleaned up then climbed into bed with me, still dressed, and I wrapped my arms around her. The three of us talked a little longer before Rachel and I were yawning.

  When I woke next, the room was dark and Julie had gone.

  * * * *


  Linda stopped asking me out. We talked if we ran into each other, and we were basically friends, but we didn't date again. At first I was a little sad.

  But I focused on Julie, and by the third week of January, she asked me, "Are you seeing anyone else?"

  "I haven't been. You?"

  She smiled. "No. And I don't want to. More importantly, I don't want you to, either."

  At the time, we were naked, and she had two fingers inside me, moving rhythmically.

  I was silent for a moment. Well, that's not true. I gasped and was panting. But I didn't say anything, and then her hand stilled.

  "Did you hear me?" she asked.

  "Don't stop, Julie!"

  She gave me one delicious flick with her fingers, and I knew there was an orgasm just waiting to burst forth.

  "I don't want you seeing anyone else," she said again.

  I stared into her eyes. "You don't play fair."

  She started to pull her hand out of me, and I reached down with both of my and clasped her wrists. "No!" I said. "Please, Julie."

  "Exclusive," she said.

  "All right!" I said, trying to press her hand deeper into me. "Just don't stop."

  She began moving again, slowly. "Just me," she said.

  "Just you!" I agreed, the orgasm building.

  "Promise me," she said.

  "I promise, Julie! I promise!" and then I came in a blinding orgasm, her free hand over my mouth to silence my screams.

  Afterwards as we lay together, I told her, "You didn't have to do it that way."

  "Do you resent your promise already?" she asked.

  I opened my eyes and kissed her. "No. I'd been thinking about it, actually."

  "If you resent it, tell me now," Julie told me. "After tonight, we're either exclusive or over."

  I stared at her. "Exclusive."

  * * * *

  Julie and I were together for the rest of her time at school. Rachel and I remained roommates for our sophomore year, but Julie and I shared a room my junior year, Julie's senior year.

  I told my mom about her, of course. Mom was great about it, inviting Julie for events. She stayed with us over spring breaks and came back from Japan early when her family would allow.

  But Julie never told her family about our relationship.

  As we entered spring term of Julie's senior year, I brought up the topic of "what next". Julie was evasive, pretending not to know what I was talking about, then changed the topic by the simple expedient of removing her top.

  Even after two and a half years together, I was still completely wrapped around her finger. And completely happy to be there. We never fought, because as soon as a disagreement began, she would sidestep it by seducing me, and then in the throes of passion, I would always agree to whatever she wanted.

  That seems manipulative of her, but I was happy. Julie treated me very well and never tried to manipulate me over issues that were inappropriate.

  I tried several times over the course of spring term to plan our future together. Every time I brought it up, Julie evaded the conversation. I should have realized the writing was on the wall, but I couldn't even envision a future without us being together.

  Finally she told me, "Emily, I want to focus on finishing the school term. We'll have time together afterwards to talk."

  In some ways, what she did seems cruel. She let me believe we had a future together. But she was showing kindness in her own way. She didn't want me to realize she was leaving me. She didn't want to break my heart and have either of finish the term with bad grades.

  Her parents came for her graduation. I had never met them, but I'd had two years of experience with Julie. I greeted her parents in proper Japanese style. They both of course spoke perfect English from their years living in the United States. They accepted my bow and then offered handshakes and polite, "Please to meet you," greetings in English.

  But then they took Julie to dinner and didn't invite me to join them. I tried not to be hurt. And to be honest, I wasn't sure whether I could hide how I felt about their daughter if I were around them too much.

  The graduation ceremony was two days after the end of the term. Technically I was supposed to have left, but Julie still had our room and I was able to stay, hiding under the radar, although the cafeteria was not open to me. Julie spent the evening before graduation with her parents, but when she got back to the dorm, she very aggressively made love to me.

  In the morning, she finally told me her plans.

  "Emily, you wouldn't ever out me to my parents, would you?" she asked.

  "Of course not, Julie. You've explained how they feel."

  "Even if you were very, very angry with me?"

  "I would never want to hurt you, Julie."

  That's when she climbed out of bed and started to get dressed. I tried to lure her back to bed, but she wouldn't even look at me.

  Finally I realized what was going. "You're dumping me."

  She turned to face me. Her face shared a moment of anguish before she collected herself.

  "When did you decide this?" I asked quietly.

  "It wasn't really a decision," she said. "It's the way it needs to be. I'm going back to Japan with my parents."

  "You could stay here," I said. "You don't have to go."

  "There is a job waiting for me," she said. "I start next Monday."

  "You could get a job here."

  She turned away, staring out the windows. I climbed out of bed, stepping up behind her and tried to pull her into a hug, but she shrugged me off.

  "My parents suspect us."

  "So? Let them. It's their choice if they can't accept who you are."

  She turned around to face me, her eyes flashing anger, a look I had never seen directed at me in the past. "Have you learned nothing I've tried to teach you about my culture? They are my parents."

  I stepped back from her, feeling the tears collecting in my eyes. "How long have you known you were going to leave me? All along?"

  "No," she said. "I thought I could make it work. I can't."

  "How long?"

  "Spring break."

  I stared at her. She'd known for months, but she'd let me believe we could be together.

  "You bitch."

  She didn't even flinch. "It's not like that, Emily. I wanted us to have as much time as we could."

  "You mean you wanted your little love slave to make your senior year special!"

  "I wanted you to get good grades, and I wanted us both to have all the happy memories we could."

  That's when the enormity of the situation settled in. She didn't love me. She maybe never loved me. All that time together was completely wasted. The tears started sliding down my cheeks, then I began to sob loudly.

  She tried to comfort me. She took two steps towards me, but I screamed at her, "Stay away from me!"

  I collapsed to the bed, hugging my pillow and sobbing.

  "I thought you loved me!" I managed to get out.

  "I do, Emily."

  "But not enough."

  She didn't respond. Not enough. Now she was leaving me, just like Dee Dee had. They always leave me.

  Soon, there was a knock at the door. "That's my parents, Emily. Are you going to out me?"

  "I promised I wouldn't," I said. "And I keep my promises."

  "Pull yourself together," she said, then she went to the door.

  I managed to stop sobbing. By the time the door opened, I was blowing my nose. It probably wasn't the right image to offer, but it was the best I had. I offered a perfunctory bow to Julie's parents. Julie talked to her parents in Japanese for a moment and then they stepped out and closed the door. She turned to me and spoke quietly.

  "They're taking me to breakfast. I'll see you later."

  "I'll be gone before you get back," I told her. "There's no sense in staying, is there?"

  She took a breath then said, "I'll always remember you, Emily." She hugged me, but I didn't return it. Julie released me and walk
ed to the door. She opened it, and I stopped her.

  "Julie, please don't leave me!"

  She stepped out the door, closing it behind her.

  I stared at the door, then fell to my knees, sobbing again, bowing to the floor and sobbing uncontrollably.

  A minute later, the door opened again. I was still sobbing, bowed to the floor, and a pair of high heels stopped in front of me. To an outsider, it would have looked like I was bowing to the woman. I looked up into Julie's mother's eyes. I scrambled to my feet, embarrassed, and offered a bow.

  She frowned. I gained small satisfaction from our height difference, as she was forced to look up into my eyes.

  "My daughter has a bright future in front of her," she said. "She has an excellent job waiting for her. She will meet a good Japanese man and have good Japanese babies. There is no room in her future for you."

  I stared at her. She knew.

  "Yes, I know, and what I don't know, I can guess. My daughter has been very happy here. She has been very happy with you. I hear it in her voice when she mentions her American roommate, who is quite a bit more than a roommate."

  "If you think I am going to apologize, you are mistaken."

  "I don't imagine you forced her, so I don't know what you would have to apologize for."

  "You must hate me," I replied.

  "On the contrary. I admire you, and whether my daughter did so or not, I would thank you for what you have given her."

  "I've been a fool."

  "She begged to be allowed to stay."

  "She's an adult. She makes her own decisions. She is choosing to leave."

  "My husband and I are very, very good parents," she said.

  "Brag much?" I asked insolently. I hated this woman, this woman who was taking my love away. She ignored my comment.

  "We have instilled in our daughter the morals of society, as best we could, the foremost of which is duty to family. Duty to family is more important than her love for you."

  "So this is about grandchildren?"

  "Her father is going to need her."

  "For what?"

  "I am dying."

  I stared at her. I didn't believe her. She looked perfectly healthy. My doubt and cynicism must have shown clearly.