Stark's Dell

by Robin Roseau

  "You do not believe me."

  "No. I believe you would say anything to make your daughter return to the fold."

  "If I didn't care about her happiness, I might," she admitted. "But I'm not telling her, I'm telling you." She sighed. "Very well." And then she began unbuttoning her blouse. I stared in disbelief. She opened her blouse to me and pulled her heavily padded bra up to her neck, showing me the scars of a double mastectomy.

  "Breast cancer?"

  She didn't say anything, but pulled her bra back down, then reached up and pulled on her hair, removing a wig. Underneath, she had only faint wisps of hair.

  "You understand?" she asked me after reassembling her appearance.

  "I could come. I could help."

  She offered me a look of kindness and gratitude, but said, "No. You could never fit in. And Japan is not yet open to your lifestyle."

  "Neither is America."

  "In America, it is perhaps easier to hide if needed. My daughter does not stand out in America as you would in Japan. You can't even bow properly."

  I turned away, the tears beginning to crawl down my face again, then turned back. "She really wanted to stay?"

  "Yes. I hadn't intended to burden her with my issues until she returned. I was forced to tell her so she would understand her duty. If it had been the other way, if it were my husband dying, I would have set her free to stay with you. But her father will need her. My duty is to him, as is hers."

  I began to sob again, and she did something I thought was very un-Japanese. She pulled me into her arms, allowing me to cry into her shoulder.

  "You deserved to know everything," she whispered into my ear. "I wish it were different. I am so sorry."

  The door opened, and Julie stood framed there, coming to see what was going on. She saw us and crossed the room, speaking sternly in Japanese. Her mother responded in English. "How stupid do you think I am, daughter? I've known for two years." And then she reached out and pulled Julie into the embrace.

  Julie and I cried for a moment, and her mother tried to slip away.

  "Wait!" I said. And I pulled her mother into another hug. "Thank you for telling me."

  "You are welcome. Thank you for understanding."

  And then she slipped away, saying something in Japanese to Julie before closing the door.

  I clutched at Julie, and we cried. "I'm sorry, why didn't you tell me?"

  "I thought it would be easier if you weren't feeling sorry for me."

  I leaned away and shook her by the shoulders. "You thought it would be easier if I thought you had just spent two years playing with my emotions?"

  We stood hugging for another minute. "I love you," I told her.

  "I love you, too. I'll love you. Forever."

  Part Three

  Coming Home

  Coming Home

  Fresh out of college, I got a job working for a market research firm in Des Moines. The job paid the bills, but the money I had inherited from Grandmother Stark and from father let me upscale my lifestyle from a scary efficiency apartment to a sensible one bedroom in a better neighborhood. I could afford to dress nice and support a reasonable, if not extravagant, social life.

  I dated casually. That's a euphemism for having a lot of sex and no meaningful relationships.

  A few of the women had wanted more from me. I'd cut them off before it could go too far. Love hurt too much.

  Julie and I stayed in touch, after a fashion. She emailed. I emailed back. Her mother died while I was still in school. Two years after she had returned to Japan, she told me she was getting married. I asked if she was happy. She didn't answer. A year and a half after that, she sent me photos of her first baby. I wrote her back, told her the baby was beautiful, and told her never to put that little girl in the position she and I had been. She wrote back and said, "I won't." That was our last exchange.

  I went home to see Mom as often as I could, although it wasn't that often. She had started seeing someone, which was difficult for me, but I knew Dad would have wanted her to be happy.

  Every time I went home, I stopped by the cemetery. No one ever took the notes I left. I always thought a groundskeeper would take them, but the plastic envelope was always right where I left it. Untouched. Over the years, the bag grew thicker with new letters and photographs. I replaced the bag itself nearly every visit, the oldest notes growing old and faded. I kept hoping, someday, to find a reply from Dee Dee.

  * * * *

  "Mom, I'll be late tonight. I'm not sure what time. Don't wait up."

  "Do you have a date?"

  "No, Mom," I said into the phone. "Work. I have a Friday deadline, and I thought I was done, but my boss just dumped more on my desk for it."

  "All right, but if you're tired, wait until morning."

  "I'll be fine," I said. "But I'll be careful."

  "I love you, honey," she told me.

  "I love you too, Mom. See you in a few hours."

  After we hung up, I worked on the project until eight, leaving everything on my boss's desk. I kept clothes at Stark’s Dell, so I didn't need to go home for everything. By 8:15 on the day before Thanksgiving, I was on the road.

  Near town, the roads were fine. We'd gotten some snow a few days previously, but the roads were clear and dry. Once I got onto country roads, there were a few slick patches, so I slowed down and drove cautiously.

  It was a good thing I did. About ten minutes from home, as I was coming to a bridge, I saw an accident head on the bridge, blocking both lanes. I slowed down and came to a stop just short of the bridge. As I peered through the windshield, wondering if anyone was hurt, I caught a glimpse of rapidly-approaching headlights in my rearview mirror. I watched in horror as a large pickup truck encountered the icy patch I'd just gone over. I scrambled to get out of his way, but there was a back-breaking crunch as the truck smashed into my small car's rear bumper.

  My foot was still on the brakes, but the road was icy in patches. The right wheels caught traction; the left did not. My car spun, then then I stared out as the car flew over the guard railing and nose down to the icy river below.

  I heard someone screaming and knew it was me.

  * * * *

  I'm not sure how long I sat there in my car, stunned. It couldn't have been long, a few seconds. It was dark; I couldn't see anything, but I felt the water, the cold, cold water. It was up to my waist and rising rapidly.

  I had to get out of the car. We were in the river, perhaps underwater, and I had to get out of the car.

  By feel, I fumbled with the seatbelt buckle. I was lodged against the belt, and something was wrong with my hand. Pain was stabbing through my hands, and I couldn't release the buckle. The water was to my chest, and I couldn't release the buckle.

  I screamed and screamed.

  When the water reached my neck, I took my last breath, holding it while trying to release the seatbelt.

  And then the water was over my head, and still I couldn't release the buckle. I struggled to slip out of the belt, but I was jammed in my seat. And then I banged on the roof, my lungs screaming for air.

  And then there was light, and next to me in the car I looked over to see Dee Dee. I didn't understand, where had she come from?

  "I love you," she mouthed, her hands clutched to her chest in emphasis. And then she crawled over to me, wrapping me in her arms. She kissed me, then held me.

  My lungs screamed for air. I gulped, taking a breath of icy cold river water.

  And then, for a very long time, I knew nothing.

  Dee Dee Returns

  I opened my eyes.

  I was lying on my back in my own bed at home.

  I lay there for a while, wondering how I'd gotten here. I remembered work. And then the drive. And then...

  The river.

  Dee Dee.

  "Dee Dee!" I screamed.

  "I'm here," said the voice I hadn't heard in years. I looked to my right, and there, sitting on the edge of my bed, was my best friend
in the whole world.

  "Dee Dee," I said in a whisper. And then our arms wrapped around each other, and all I could do was hold onto her, squeezing her with everything I had. I started crying.

  "Shhh," she said. "It will all be okay. Shhh."

  She held me, petting my hair, offering the sort of comfort she'd offered so many times in the past.

  I managed to pull myself together but still clutched at her. "Never leave me again, Dee Dee! I won't try to kiss you. Just don't leave me again."

  "No, honey," she said. "I won't leave you. Not now." And she pulled away, but not very far, and we were staring into each other's eyes. That was when she placed a hand on the back of my neck and pulled me into a kiss.

  It was a long, slow, sweet kiss, the sort of kiss I had dreamed about for a very, very long time.

  When she broke the kiss, I searched her face. "You-" I didn't want to accuse her. "You left when I did that."

  "I know," she said, her expression one of sadness. "I'm so sorry. It wasn't my choice. We were forbidden."

  "And now?"

  She smiled, but it was a sad smile. "We're not forbidden anymore."

  I wanted to know why, what had changed. But I wanted the taste of her lips even more. I pulled her into a kiss, then we settled back in the bed, clutching and kissing each other.

  Eventually I reached for her clothes, wanting more, but she laughed and pushed my hands away. "Hugging and kissing we can do, but let's not get carried away."

  "Is there someone else?" I asked her.

  "No, Love," she said. "Only you."

  We kissed again, and I pulled her into my arms. She'd always been bigger than I was, but now I was the bigger one. She nestled against my chest, and we simply held each other.

  "I got your letters," she said eventually.

  "When?"

  "I've been getting them," she said. "Ever since the beginning. I looked forward to them so much."

  "You never wrote back," I said, suddenly angry.

  "I know," she said. "I'm so sorry. It wasn't allowed."

  "You never called."

  "I know." She sounded very sad. "I'm sorry, Love. I'm here now. We're together now."

  We cuddled in silence. It felt so amazingly good to be able to hold Dee Dee, my first love, my only friend.

  * * * *

  I must have slept. I don't have any memory of time passing, but I was alone on my back when my eyes opened.

  "Dee Dee?" I said quietly.

  "Here," she said. And then she was on the bed with me, curling up against me. "I'm here. I'll always be here now, Emily."

  We kissed, and cuddled.

  And I must have slept.

  * * * *

  "Dee Dee?" I said, sitting up?

  "Here," she said. She was standing by the window, looking out. Then she turned to me.

  "You are so beautiful."

  She smiled, closing the distance to me. She pulled me to my feet, and we kissed and hugged.

  "Does Mom know you're here?" I asked her after a moment. She shook her head. "I should go talk to her."

  "She's sleeping, Emily," Dee Dee said. "She's had a hard time of it. You should let her sleep."

  "How late is it?"

  "Just past midnight," Dee Dee replied. "Want to go for a walk?"

  "Sure." Dee Dee held out a coat for me, and then we quietly moved through the house and out the front door, soon finding ourselves in the snowy, moonlit field between the house and the cemetery.

  I felt a draw to the cemetery where my father and grandmother were buried. "I haven't talked to Dad since I got back," I told Dee Dee.

  "Let's not go tonight," Dee Dee said. "Maybe in a few days."

  "All right." I took her hand, and side-by-side we prowled through the fields, not talking, just happy to be together.

  * * * *

  I sat up. Dee Dee was at the foot of the bed, watching me. "Hey," she said.

  "Hey." I glanced at the window. It was night again. "Wow, I slept all day?"

  Dee Dee nodded.

  "I suppose I missed Mom again."

  "Yes, looks like it." Dee Dee crawled onto the bed, her eyes never leaving mine. She crawled up my body, and soon we were kissing, entwined in each other's arms.

  * * * *

  Dee Dee was sitting on the bed next to me, watching me. I glanced at the window and groaned. "Why am I sleeping all day long? I came home to see Mom and I haven't seen her yet."

  "We could go look in at her," Dee Dee said. "She's sleeping."

  She slipped off the bed and took my hand, leading me to mom's bedroom on the other side of the house. We slipped in quietly.

  My mother was in bed. She looked old. When had that happened? I don't mean grandmother old, but there were lines in her face, and she was snoring quietly. Even in sleep she looked tired and gaunt.

  Dee Dee and I held hands, watching Mom as she slept. Then Dee Dee tugged me back to my room. We sat on the bed, catching up on old conversations.

  * * * *

  When I opened my eyes, Dee Dee was on my bed, stretched out on her side next to me. I glanced at the window. It was dark.

  "I don't even remember going to bed last night," I said. "And I slept straight through. How can I be sleeping so much, Dee Dee?"

  She didn't say anything, but she offered a troubled expression before reaching out and caressing my cheek. "I love you, Emily," she said before she pulled me into a tender kiss.

  * * * *

  Dee Dee was standing by the door. I heard voices coming from downstairs.

  I hopped out of bed and kissed Dee Dee. "Mom's up," I told her. "I'm going to talk to her. Will you stay here?"

  "This isn't a good idea, Emily," Dee Dee said. "She has company."

  "So?"

  "Male company."

  I smiled. "Then it's about time I met him."

  "You should give them some privacy," Dee Dee said.

  "They won't mind." I stepped past Dee Dee and out into the hallway. I didn't notice, but Dee Dee followed me down the stairs.

  "Mom?" I called out. "Who is your friend?" I heard quiet conversation from the living room. "Mom?"

  Dee Dee caught up to me and tugged on my arm. "This is a private conversation, Emily. You can talk to her another night."

  "I haven't seen her since I got back, Dee Dee. She'll want to see me."

  I pulled out of her hand and turned the corner into the living room. Mom was sitting on the sofa with some man turned sideways facing her, holding her hand. Mom was crying.

  "Mom? What's wrong?" I asked. "Did he do something to you?"

  Neither of them turned to look at me. Dee Dee pulled on my arm again. "Come on, Emily, let them talk."

  "Mom? What's wrong?"

  Then Dee Dee pulled harder, drawing me back upstairs. Docilely, I followed her. "Come on. I'll try to explain."

  I remember sitting on the bed, but then I don't remember anything else.

  * * * *

  "Dee Dee!" I said, sitting up suddenly. "Mom!"

  "I'm here," Dee Dee said, hurrying to my side. She threw her arms around me, hugging me. "Bad dream?"

  "I-" I looked around, glancing at the window. It was dark outside. "I don't remember."

  "I know, honey," Dee Dee said into my ear. She kissed my cheek. "You were pretty shaken up in the accident, but it will start to come to you."

  "Accident?" I asked. "Oh my god, I was in an accident!"

  She held me tighter. "Yes. Do you remember?"

  "I remember it was nighttime. And the roads were slippery."

  "What else, Emily?"

  "There was an accident. I stopped. There was a bridge. And a big pickup truck."

  "Keep going," she said, climbing onto the bed with me to snuggle next to me.

  "I-" I tried to remember. "You were there. You rescued me."

  * * * *

  "Dee Dee!" I screamed, sitting. "I'm drowning!"

  "Shhh," she said, her arms wrapped around me. "You're not drowning now."

>   Slowly she soothed me, talking quietly, reminding me of stories from when we used to play in the barn.

  * * * *

  I sat up. Dee Dee was on the bed, watching me. I looked at her. "Something isn't right," I told her.

  "Oh honey," she said. "Remember that I love you. I will always love you."

  "What aren't you telling me, Dee Dee?"

  She looked away.

  "Dee Dee," I said. "If you won't tell me, Mom will." I climbed out of bed and went searching for my mother. Dee Dee didn't say anything, but followed along behind me.

  I found Mom in her bedroom. She was awake, a book in her lap, tears crawling slowly down her face.

  "Mom?" I said from the door. She must not have heard me, as she didn't even look my direction. "Mom?" I said louder. She still didn't hear me, and I walked up to the bed. "Mom!"

  "Oh, my Emily," she said. "I miss you so much." But she didn't look at me when she said it.

  "Mom?"

  I leaned down to hug her. I didn't understand why she was so upset. But she didn't hug me back. She stayed in her bed, not moving, but I could hear her crying quietly. "Mom! What's wrong? Mom!"

  "She can't hear you," Dee Dee said from beside me. "I'm so sorry, Emily. She can't hear you."

  I leaned away, looking at my mother. "Mom!" I tried shaking her, but she didn't even move.

  "Honey," Dee Dee said. "It's time. You're ready."

  I turned to Dee Dee. "What's wrong with her, Dee Dee? It's like I'm not even here. What's wrong with my mother?"

  "Honey," Dee Dee said, taking my hand. "Your mother is fine. She's very sad right now. That's all."

  "I don't understand."

  "I know," she said, tugging on my hand. "There's something I have to show you."

  I let Dee Dee pull me towards the door, but then I turned around. "Mom! I'll be right back. Please don't cry. Mom."

  Then I let Dee Dee pull me down the stairs. "Tell me what's wrong with her, Dee Dee!"

  "I will, honey," she said. "I just have to show you something." Then she pulled me from the house, taking my arm as we walked across the snow.

  "Tell me what's going on, Dee Dee," I said.