Revive (A Redemption Novel)

by Marley Valentine

  Rising, he heads toward me, as I mirror his steps. My eyes take in the graffitied walls, and the sporadic places of other desks. “This place looks great.”

  Ridding me of the plastic bags, he places them on his desk, before cupping my chin, and bringing my face toward his. “You look better.” His woodsy scent embraces me as my lips seek out his. “I don’t think I tell you how much I love when you’re dressed up like this.”

  I follow his eyes and look down at my high waisted pants, and the tucked in camisole, covered with a short, three quarter jacket. “I wear the same thing every day.”

  “No. On Court days everything is just that little bit sexier,” he says bringing his thumb and forefinger close together. “Like you want to show everyone exactly who calls the shots.”

  “Does it work?” I ask playfully.

  “Definitely.” His lips part as he gives me a once over. “You look just as ruthless, as you do beautiful.”

  “I knew there was a reason I kept you around.”

  “I thought it was my dick.”

  “And your compliments.” Excited to finally be in Drix’s work space, and see another part of his world, I step away, and give myself a mini tour. “So, where is everyone?”

  “Most of them are out at the local schools, checking up on all their clients.” He explains the ins and out of the place, as he sets up our lunch across his desk. “I try to schedule my outside visits when everyone is in the office, so it’s a little bit quieter, and the majority of my clients are kids you won’t find in school.”

  I hear the sandwich wrappers rustle behind me. “Are you coming to eat?”

  “Just give me a second,” I call back to him. “These walls are fucking brilliant.”

  “They are. There’s some fucking talented kids out there.”

  I look back at him. “Your clients did this?”

  “Yeah. Every two years we let them revamp it for us. If they create the space, they respect it more, and in turn respect what you’re trying to do for them.”

  “You love working here, don’t you?”

  The side of his mouth lifts in a smirk. “Am I that obvious?”

  I let the smile stretch across my face, hoping my eyes convey how proud I am to know a man who is so passionate about the welfare of others. As obvious as it sounds to help someone in need, it is not in everyone’s nature to do so. The world is blessed with hearts like Hendrix’s to make the losses and injustices a little easier to bear.

  Someone will always remember the shitty time in their life, but they’ll remember the one who offered to help them when they needed it most even more.

  Engrossed in the art, I give Drix my back, and trace the designs with my hands. “Do you ever just want to take these kids home and give them a proper chance?”

  “All the time,” he says with no reservation. “It was harder when I first started, because I wanted to save the world. Now I’m less green and understand the system and the kids much more, but every now and then I'll meet one person who will blow my mind, and I just let myself imagine the possibilities.”

  “I think that's what I want to do one day, open my house up and foster kids.”

  “What about kids of your own?” he asks, the view of my back making it easier for me to answer.

  “I mean I want them, I guess. I’d just have to have the right partner.” Like a flash of lightning a vision of Drix with our baby hits me with a pang of longing in my chest. “What about you?”

  “I haven't had a reason to think of myself as a father in a really long time.” The admission has me reading between the lines, wondering if he ever wished Dakota was his. “But I believe compatibility and unity is everything. As old school as it sounds I want to be with the mother of my baby. I want to be sure it's forever.”

  Could that be me?

  “Coming from a broken home and watching Dakota grow up without a dad,” he continues. “It's become my one single requirement.”

  “And the foster kids?”

  “That’s an added bonus.” I hear his chair squeak, before footsteps sound in my direction. “If I have the means to provide for as many kids as possible, why wouldn't I?”

  If in that moment anybody asked me what Hendrix’s most attractive quality was, I'd tell you his heart. His huge, selfless and pure heart.

  “Please come and eat,” he whispers unexpectedly in my ear.

  “I can’t stop looking at it.” What I really mean is the broken beauty on these walls makes me think of missed opportunities. It makes my heart heavy for all the things their lives could be. And it has me desperately wanting to make a difference.

  “When it’s time to change the space, you could come here and draw with them. Show them how good you are.”

  Merged with my thoughts of him and I having babies together and a house full of foster kids, his slip about the future hits me like a boulder to the chest. It makes me nervous, and excited, and so fucking relieved that I’m not the only one that’s falling hard and fast.

  Leaning back, I relax into him, and take one last look at the wonders in front of me. “I’d love that.”

  “So, I've got something I want to ask you.” Drix looks at me over the table, a hint of trepidation passes his features.

  “What is it?”

  “It's Dakota’s sixteenth birthday next weekend and she's having a thing at Jagger's.” He fidgets with his earlobe, his own uneasiness spurring on mine. “And, I want you to come with me.”

  “Oh.” The invitation is unexpected, and my gut tells me there’s a million reasons why I shouldn’t go. It’s a beautiful gesture, one that screams, family, importance, future and love. Everything a woman wants to hear and feel from the man she’s with, but this isn’t a conventional situation, and I don’t know if our bubble is strong enough to withstand the intrusion.

  “Say something,” he urges.

  Pinching my bottom lip, between my fingers, I line up the sentence in my mind before I blow all the progress we’ve made. “Are you sure it’s a good idea with Sasha being there?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “I’m sorry, but that’s not enough Drix.” He watches me pensively, as I continue. “If you want me to meet Dakota, as your girlfriend, we can do it on our own time, but I’m not ruining that girl’s birthday party.”

  “Who said anything about ruining it?”

  “Come on, you know better than that.” I run my hands up and down my thighs, trying to contain my nervous energy. “She threw shade my way when the idea of us hadn’t even been conceived yet. What do you think she’ll do when she finds out we’re together?”

  “We’re all adults, Taylah,” he says condescendingly. “And we’ve been playing nice for Dakota our whole lives.”

  His lack of concern, and my unsure heart has me biting back. “How do I know you don’t want me there to shove it in her face?”

  Closing the distance between us, he comes around from the desk, kneeling in between my legs.

  His voice cracks. “Where is this coming from?”

  Lowering my head, I let my hair hide my face. “You’ve loved her forever, Drix. I know those words haven’t come out of your mouth, but I know,” I insist. “And I can’t compete with that. Not now, not when we’re still so new.”

  He doesn’t run to my defence and tell me he isn’t in love with her anymore or tell me there’s no competition between us. It leaves a little scratch on my heart as I feel like our whole relationship just stepped back in time.

  “I told you once and I’ll say it again.” My voice is low and steady, the anger brewing within me. “I will not be your practice girlfriend.”

  “Crazy,” he shakes his head. “You’ve got it all wrong.”

  “Do I? Because you haven’t said anything to make me think otherwise.”

  He splays his hands on either side of my face, bringing me so close to his face, our noses are touching. “I asked you because I want you to come, because I want you there. To be part of the things
and people that are important to me. I didn’t ask you so you can question everything between us.”

  Grabbing his wrists, I pull his hands down, off my face. I put my heart on a plate and hand it to him. “I'm falling in love with you, Drix. Please don't make me regret coming to this party.”

  His mouth opens, but a different voice makes itself known throughout the reason. “Ah, shit, sorry Drix, I can come back later.”

  “No. No. It’s okay.” Holding on the arms of the chair, he gets up off his knees. “Come in and have a seat.”

  His client walks in with his head down, embarrassed and uncomfortable. Standing up I right my clothes, and throw my bag over my shoulder.

  “Can we talk more about it later?” Drix asks me quietly.

  “No. It’s fine.” I squeeze his shoulder, “I said I would come. So I will.”

  “I’ll see you tonight?” he asks, and for the first time in a long time my answer changes.

  “I’ll call you tomorrow.”

  He glances between me and the kid, knowing very well this isn’t the time or the place to argue. Knowing I backed him into a corner I leave the room well aware he can’t come after me.

  As I’m just about to exit the room, I hear the young boy say, “You fucked up, Drix.”

  I still in the doorway, wondering if he’ll respond.

  “I know, man. I know”

  19

  Hendrix

  I drop on to Jagger’s couch, a little worse for wear after setting up a marquee in the afternoon heat for Dakota’s birthday. He hands me a cold beer, before taking a seat on the opposite recliner.

  “Those kids better stay under the marquee the whole time,” Jagger jokes. “It’s only fair after how hard it was to put that fucker up.”

  “It’s not their fault they didn’t teach you how to use basic tools in prison.”

  “Shut the fuck up,” he scoffs, while throwing the beer bottle cap directly at my head. “There was nothing basic about that thing.”

  “It’s fine, I get it, we can’t be good at everything,” I tease. “Next time just bloody well pay for someone.”

  “I just wanted to do something for her, myself, you know?” His tone steers the conversation back to all the ways he thinks he falls short.

  “Yeah, bro, of course, I was just kidding.”

  “I know you were,” he says dismissing my comment. “I just think this whole birthday thing means more to me than it does to her.”

  I want to tell Jagger that Dakota has never gone a day without in her life, and having her father be there is the gift. All the other shit we give to kids is just extra bells and whistles to fulfil our own materialistic needs. However no matter which way I word that, the message I'm trying to get through to him is not the one he will receive.

  It’s never my intention to throw in his face all the time I've had with her, and I’m cautious not to. Our lives have come so far beyond tit for tat on who sacrificed the most.

  He missed watching his daughter grow up, and I raised a girl who would never be mine. These thoughts are selfish, and destructive. Secrets, he and I promised to keep in the vault.

  We’ve come so far from the volatile people we were to one another back then. I try not to remember the bad days, the fights, and all my regrets.

  “Bro, can I come in?”

  “Yeah.” Shoulders hunched over my desk I finish the mountain of homework that I get lost in every week. “What’s up?” I glance up at Jagger and I’m immediately thrown off by the way he looks. Jittery and nervous are not words I would ever use to describe my brother. “What’s wrong?”

  He walks into the room, and sits on the edge of my bed. “I need to tell you something.”

  “Okaaayyy.” I push off my desk, and and spin my chair to face him.

  “I need you to know I’m really really sorry.” His voice trembles, his eyes begin to water, and I'm at a loss at what the fuck could be the problem.

  Out of habit, I roll the desk chair toward him, offering comfort. “Jagger, man, whatever it is, it can’t be that bad.”

  He's shaking his head vehemently, working himself up by the second. “Tell me you’ll forgive me.”

  I lean my hand on his shoulder, “Of course I’ll forgive you.”

  “Are you sure?”

  “Yes, man. Spit it out.”

  He closes his eyes and takes a big breath, before letting it out in one large whoosh. When he opens them, he stares directly at me. “Sasha is pregnant.”

  For a second my mind just shuts down, unable to mentally process the three words he just dropped on me

  “She’s pregnant.” I repeat, rolling the words on my lips, trying to shut the images down from my mind. “I'm going to kill that piece of shit.” Loud. Angry. Hurt. There wasn't a spare corner in my room that didn't feel my wrath. I jump up out of my chair, and pull my hoodie over my head. “Are you coming or what?”

  “Where?” he asks, looking perplexed.

  “I'm going to find Jay, and beat the shit out him.”

  “You know about Jay?”

  “Yeah man,” I say impatiently. “I knew when she started hanging with him, and then her and I had a blow up about it not long after.”

  “How long ago?”

  I look up at my calendar. “About six weeks now.”

  “Drix, sit back down,” he pleads.

  “What the fuck man?”

  “It’s mine,” he screams, window shatteringly loud.

  “Come again?” My voice is so low, the contrast between him and I frightening.

  “We were at Lachlan’s party. Remember I asked you to come?” he rambles, and I'm frozen in time. “But you were too busy turning into a fucking church monk.” The room begins to spin while he continues to spew out his confession. “She was so upset, and I was already so fucking trashed. I told her to try and talk to you about Jay. I did. That's what I thought she was upset about. That's what she said to me.”

  “So, she came to you crying,” I seethe “And you fucked her?”

  “Dr—”

  I don't hear my name, I don't see his face, I can't hear him shouting. I race at him, elbow into his stomach, I ram him back into the bed. Gripping the collar of his shirt in one fist, I pull back my arm and let his face meet the other.

  I don't stop. I can't stop. And he takes every single hit.

  “Are you keeping it?” I spit out, through angry tears.

  “Yes.” Instinctively he tries to duck, knowing my next move, but he fails.

  Arms grip me from behind, my mother’s voice breaking through. “What the fuck is going on here?”

  I finally let him go, and stumble backwards into my mother’s arms. I wipe my bloodied knuckles on my shirt. “Why don't you ask Jagger?”

  “Well come on, let it out. I don't have all fucking day.”

  As horrible as my mother was, you never kept her waiting. Unable to look at me or her, he confesses his biggest secret, while his blood drips on my floor. “I slept with Sasha.”

  Mum uses the opportunity to bask in her favourite past time; screaming at Jagger.

  “You're a fucking useless piece of shit, you are. You can’t keep your damn dick in your pants.” She doesn't skimp on the insults, and for the first time in history, I let her keep going. “I said don’t be like your father, but here we are, sticking it in any hole that fits.”

  “This is between me and Drix.” He stares at me, while she yells at him. A messed up version of myself looks at me, begging me for forgiveness. And I’ve got nothing to give.

  “You didn’t tell her the best part,” I taunt. “They’re having a baby. You’re going to be a grandmother.”

  “He better be fucking lying, Jagger.”

  He hangs his head in shame. “Drix, I'm so sorry,” he cries.

  “Get out of my room,” I say calmly.

  He steps up beside me, “I’m not going until you forgive me.”

  “Get out of my fucking face before I kill you.”

&nbs
p; He closes the rest of the distance between him and the door. “I’m going to make this better.”

  One brother beaten, and the other broken. “Don’t bother, you and I can't be fixed.”

  Pulling myself out of the painful memory, I take a long swig of my beer, grateful that’s in the past and more focused on reminding Jagger, the party will be everything him and Dakota need. It will fall into place, and she’ll hold the memory as close as the rest of the things she cares about.

  “Where's Em? I thought she'd be here fussing over the decorations with you.”

  “No,” he says averting his eyes, and picking at the beer label. “She’s with Taylah. Some emergency.”

  “Oh.”

  “I hate to point out the obvious, but shouldn’t you know that?” I take another drink, not really having any actual answers to what’s going on in my life right now.

  I know I’ve hurt her, I know she’s confused, I just don’t know how to fix it. “I know what the emergency is.”

  He looks at me pointedly. “Well?”

  “I asked her to come tomorrow.” I stretch my arm out, place the empty beer bottle down. “And it brought up a whole bunch of shit that I didn’t even see coming.”

  “Sasha?”

  “The one and only.” Leaning to the right, I angle my body till I’m lying down on Jagger’s couch. “I mean, seeing Sasha tomorrow was in the back of my mind, but spending a day here without Taylah seemed wrong.”

  With my hands behind my head, I stare at the ceiling, and hope Jagger can help me sort out this mess.

  “She told me she was falling in love with me, and I didn’t say anything back.” The look on her face when she said those words, tears through my chest. Every night since I’ve wished I could turn back time and re do the whole conversation. I should’ve said it back, because in my heart I feel it. It’s more than like, and it’s way past lust. I was just too wrapped up in the newness of it all to realise love is what comes next.