I Hate Everyone But You

by Gaby Dunn

  I don’t know what changed between last night and today, but he completely shut me out. I tried to be friendly and speak out loud. In full sentences. Like an adult. Alex could not be bothered to return the favor.

  I spent the uncomfortable 40 minutes replaying the party in my head, and the only thing I could think of is maybe he is into Charlotte. (I went home with Charlotte.) But that doesn’t make sense because he hates Charlotte. Or maybe he only said he hated Charlotte because he doesn’t want me to know he likes her? I don’t think Charlotte would be into a trans man anyway. She’s said some pretty questionable things about all-women festivals and including T in LGBT. I don’t know. It would be weird if Alex was into a slightly transphobic person. But maybe I’m interpreting the situation all wrong.

  Either way. I’m glad this “group project” is over. Writing is a lonely life and I prefer it that way.

  How’s your boyfriend?

  Re: BRITNEY SPEARS 2007

  * * *

  Ava Helmer

  to Gen

  I think it’s safe to say you are interpreting this entire situation wrong. Here is what it looks like from an outsider perspective.

  Gen starts working at the paper. Gen meets cute boy who negs her. After a bit of negging, cute boy moves on to more outward forms of flirtation. Cute boy invites Gen to party at his house. Gen leaves with another woman, who cute boy already hates. Cute boy is sad and mad. Gen remains oblivious.

  And Charlotte sucks even more than I thought.

  What do you think?

  Re: BRITNEY SPEARS 2007

  * * *

  Gen Goldman

  to Ava

  Interesting theory immediately disproved by experts in the field.

  11:52 AM EST

    My dad just sent me a Gandhi meme.

    Which one?

    Be the change you wish to see in the world.

    Has my dad never heard that before???

    Oh, right. He’s been drunk.

    Now he’s enlightened.

    I just LOL’d.

    Do I need to respond?

    Send back that article about Gandhi’s systematic mistreatment of women.

    ON IT.

  DR. SHERI BAKER, PH.D.

  * * *

  Ava Helmer

  to Gen

  I just got picked up from college. By my mom. At least she traded in her minivan for a sleek SUV.

  I told her about Jake within five seconds of getting in the car. She said, “Wow. Really?” What the fuck is that? I pressed her on it, and she said that we seemed to work well as friends based on the film shoot. She thought he had a thing for Sophia. WHY WOULD A MOTHER SAY THIS TO HER ANXIETY-RIDDEN DAUGHTER? Now I’m going to have to meticulously watch all interactions between them and turn into a jealous lover who abuses animals. (Do you get my reference?? I go to film school now.)

  The rest of the ride was not fun. I hate that. I hate that I am my worst self around the two people who are nicest to me. I’m unable to keep my barriers up when I’m around my parents, so all the ugly comes out. Even when I’m mad, I can feel the guilt spreading through my body, but the mad overrides it.

  I always apologize once it’s passed, but that’s not good enough. I’m 18. I can’t freak out on my lovely, supportive parents anytime they say something I don’t like. I’ve put them through enough. She literally drove an hour to drive me 20 minutes and then sit in the waiting room while I went into another room and complained about her. I am a terrible person.

  The waiting room was nice, though. Very “organized calm.” I like when the furniture looks expensive because it means they must have a lot of clients. Or a patron spouse …

  After 10 minutes of waiting because we were 10 minutes early, Dr. Sheri Baker ushered me into her office. She’s middle-aged but dresses extremely well, which is good for me because I’m not above paying someone solely for fashion advice. God knows I need it!

  As soon as I sat down, I launched in my rehearsed spiel: how I got sick, when I got sick, in what ways I remain sick. Ava Helmer 101. But Dr. Baker wasn’t having it. She said we can get to all of that later. She wanted know how I was doing now. In this moment. This really threw me. I was only emotionally prepared to rehash the past. I have no idea how I’m feeling right now! So instead of being productive and painting my mental health history, I spent forty minutes babbling incoherently about my insecurities as a writer? I alluded to my fear that I will never be hired to write because I have nothing interesting to say, and suddenly we were dissecting a creative-writing workshop I did the summer after freshman year of high school?

  This woman asks so many questions. It sucked up the whole session! So now she knows nothing about my current life, other than the fact that I’m a shitty writer, and she has no comprehension of what got me to this very unstable place.

  I feel like my mom just wasted $200.

  And then to add gas to the fire, I was a complete bitch to my mom on the way home.

  Re: DR. SHERI BAKER, PH.D.

  * * *

  Gen Goldman

  to Ava

  Awwwww. Poor Ruth. You should send her flowers. I bet she misses me. Her nice daughter.

  I’m sorry you feel like the session was a waste of time. But maybe anything you can talk about for 40 minutes is worth talking about for 40 minutes? (Unless it’s guys’ obsessions with supermodels who would never touch them.)

  Why do you think you are a bad writer? I think you are a great writer!

  P.S. Molly has reentered my life. She wants to hang out tonight. I’m pretty over watching Shannon eat peanut butter from a jar, so I might go.

  P.P.S. Shannon uses her thumb to get the peanut butter. It’s fascinating.

  6:30 PM PST

    Speak now or forever hold your peace.

    DON’T MARRY JAKE.

    hahaha

    I’m about to go through initiation.

    There is no turning back.

    You aren’t allowed to drop out???

    No I am. I probably will.

    OK. Great.

    Congratulations?

  9:45 PM PST

    That was so fucking weird.

    What happened? Did you share blood?

    I’m legally not allowed to say.

    COME ON.

    Fine. I’ll just assume everyone makes out in white lingerie.

    Messy.

    Because it’s white.

    You don’t get gay sex.

  ON MOLLY

  * * *

  Gen Goldman

  to Ava

  Get it? (Diet Coke. Or whatever the code word was.)

  To be brief, Molly is still crazy. Perhaps clinically. (Maybe we can get Dr. Baker on Skype for a consult.)

  I’m pretty sure she was already drunk when I showed up. Although she denied it and made me take shots with her.

  I should have grown suspicious when she insisted on going to the South End even though all her friends were partying on a roof in the North End. Molly kept saying undergrad parties are lame. She wanted me to meet some of her older friends. People who would really get me and what I’m all about.

  It was creepy as fuck. But I was pretty tipsy (because of the forced shots), so I let her lead me there. It took me wayyy too long to realize that we were outside Charlotte’s door. Do you know when I realized? When Tom came out. Yes, Tom. That guy I slept with and then mostly ghosted. He was there! To witness Molly’s epic meltdown.

  He had come outside for a cigarette and spotted me, surprised because he hadn’t realized I’d been invited. I HADN’T been invited, by the way. Molly started laughing: “Oh my god, you fucked this guy too, didn’t you?” How did she know???? Maybe she has an alcohol-induced sixth sense. Or she was bluffing. Either way, the gloves were off!
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  She started screaming at me for sleeping with Charlotte. How could I after she had confided in me? She confided in me about a person named CHARLIE … but apparently that defense does not hold when you are wasted and mad.

  She tried to hit me, Ava. It didn’t work because she just swung her arm wildly at my stomach, but she still tried. Tom had to grab her. She then started screaming: “Domestic abuse! My boyfriend is hitting me.” Which was, honestly, a pretty smart move. It freaked him out enough to let her go, and then she came charging at me again. I thought she was going to claw me, but instead she started hysterically crying and pulled me into a hug. She then muttered, “We’re nothing to her,” 5 or 6 times. It made me much more uncomfortable than the violence.

  I looked up and saw Charlotte peering through the window, but she didn’t come outside. I think that was for the best.

  After far more crying than I thought I could physically handle, Molly finally calmed down and asked for ice cream. So we got her ice cream??? The clerk at 7-11 couldn’t help but notice the mascara streaking down her face. Tom paid. What a gentleman. He then escorted us back to the dorms and didn’t even try to kiss me. Which made me invite him in, but he declined. He said I should keep an eye on Molly to make sure she didn’t puke and die.

  Really, Tom??

  I had no choice but to go to Molly’s room and watch her sleep. At least until I fell asleep … I woke up to the sound of Molly shouting at her parents on the phone. Someone had tipped them off (Charlotte??? Tom???) and they were coming to take her home.

  By now her roommate was back and willing to take over Molly Watch 2K17. I slipped away and passed out in my own bed.

  When I woke up, I went back to Molly’s room, but she was gone. Not just “not there,” but GONE. All her stuff was wiped clean. Her roommate had already pushed the two beds together (lucky bitch).

  Now is when I need you to tell me that I didn’t cause my friend’s psychotic break.

  Thanks,

  G

  Re: ON MOLLY

  * * *

  Ava Helmer

  to Gen

  Wow. I’m so sorry. Are you OK? That sounds like a horrible, disturbing night. I can’t even imagine what I would do in that situation. Flee? I have no tolerance for physical pain or embarrassment.

  This is absolutely, 100% NOT YOUR FAULT. This girl has been extremely troubled since you met her.

  If anything, I’m mad at her for sucking you into all of this. I feel like unstable people gravitate toward you (myself included). I want nothing more than for you to make a connection with a normal, boring person who still has good taste in music.

  Don’t let this upset you any more than it already has. You did nothing wrong (other than fornicating with multiple teachers). And maybe still sleeping with Molly after I said you shouldn’t …

  OK. Maybe you did some stuff wrong. But that’s OK. We all make mistakes, and hopefully she will get the help she needs.

  My biggest piece of advice remains: stay clear of Charlotte. That woman attracts drama even more than you. I’m starting to think she is actually the source.

  Love you, miss you, wouldn’t want to kiss you,

  A

  5:32 PM EST

    How do you think any of this is Charlotte’s fault?

    How do you not?

    She didn’t even come outside! She just created a mess and left you to deal with it.

    She had no idea I knew Molly!

    Just like I had no idea she was Charlie.

    Or do you not believe that either?

    I believe all the things. I just think she isn’t taking any responsibility.

    And she shouldn’t sleep with SO many students.

    Wow. One blow job and you’re a real expert.

    You know my address if you want to mail me an apology for that.

    I’m also accepting donations for a better standard of living.

    Ask your parents.

  8:21 PM PST

    Are we in a fight?

    No.

    You’re not secretly mad?

    No.

    OK! Off to lose my v card.

    WHAT?? AVA!! WHAT IS HAPPENING!

  WELL PLAYED

  * * *

  Gen Goldman

  to Ava

  I’m officially too curious about your blossoming sexuality to remain annoyed. I hope you are having pleasurable, safe fun. Immediately upon completion, write a steamy letter to Penthouse and send it to me instead.

  XOXOX MY BABY ANGEL.

  Re: WELL PLAYED

  * * *

  Ava Helmer

  to Gen

  Do my emails read differently now? Now that I’m a full-fledged WOMAN. That’s right! I’ve had a p in my v! On purpose!

  Jake went out of his way to make it a special night while still on a budget. He used HotelTonight to get a reservation at a hotel downtown. He borrowed one of his frat brothers’ cars and drove us to this loud Italian restaurant. We ordered overpriced food and then I offered to split the bill. He let me, which was maybe good? I said it very softly, but he still took me up on it. Feminism? Who knows.

  I packed a huge overnight bag, which Jake mocked the entire time. I’m sorry, but toiletries take up a lot of room. And I can’t trust that a hotel blow dryer will have the horsepower needed to adequately dry my hair. He also let me carry my bag. Again. Can’t decide if this is good or bad. It wouldn’t have mattered if it had wheels, or my OCD allowed me to put it down on the floor while we checked in, but c’est la vie.

  The whole check-in process was very uncomfortable. I felt like a little kid who had run away and was trying to buy cigarettes or something. The concierge couldn’t have cared less, but I kept waiting for him to ask if we wanted the hourly rate. (GET IT?!)

  Once we got in the room, I started to panic talk. About bedbugs. Yep. I started to panic that the hotel had bedbugs. I then announced that I would kill myself if I got bedbugs. Really setting the mood!

  Jake didn’t talk much. I think he was nervous. He just sat on the bed while I inspected the room for an infestation. It also grossed me out that he sat right on the duvet. Everyone knows you should only touch the parts of a hotel bed that are regularly washed.

  After my full failed comedy routine about the minibar (why would anyone pay more for less?), Jake told me to come to the bed. I asked him if we could put the duvet on the floor because of all the bacteria. He laughed and obliged. Then I asked him to take off his clothes because he had already touched the duvet. I think he thought I was being sexy. I wasn’t.

  He then told me I had to take off my clothes to be fair. I listened even though I still have intense vagina anxiety due to lack of exposure. Is it normal?? Is it disgusting?? Who knows!

  Everything happened really quickly after that. Like really quickly. Maybe two minutes of kissing and then he was asking me to put on a condom, which I found confusing because I do not have a penis. By the time I realized he meant put it on HIM, he had already handled the situation.

  There was then some struggle upon entrance, but eventually my virginity was taken.

  The actual act was “eh.” But the aftermath was amazing. He held me all night and we laughed and talked until like 1 AM, which is VERY late for me. I didn’t sleep, because how can you possibly sleep when someone is touching you? But it still felt incredible. We got up late and got breakfast at a place down the street. (He paid! It was $13.54.)

  He dropped me off at my dorm and said, “See ya later, Girlfriend.” I squealed for fifteen minutes. Jessica had to leave the room.

  Anyway, the whole thing was super worth it because you’re not secretly mad at me anymore! Who knew all I needed to do was put out!

  Re: WELL PLAYED

  * * *

  Gen Goldman

  to Ava

  IT’S LIT FAM! My ba
by girl is a woman in heteronormative culture! She’s out there proving penetration is overrated!

  Proud of you, boo. Don’t tell your parents.

  ALSO: SHOP K-Y LUBRICANTS ON PRIME PANTRY.

  3:21 PM PST

    I haven’t heard from Jake. What if this was all an elaborate scheme to take my virginity and he has fled the country?

    Why would he flee the country?

    Commitment to scam.

    Do you think he could not find a single other person to have nonscam sex with?

    I have no idea! I’ve never had nonscam sex!

    I feel the need to tell you that it’s only been 3 hours.

    3 hours is a real trigger time for you.

    I feel like a dirty slut who is being punished for having premarital sex.

    …

    Delete that. Obviously.

    I think you are spiraling.

    Absolutely.

    Can you go distract yourself?

    Or maybe just text him?

    It’s 2017. Not 2038. I’ll text him first if I’m pregnant.

    Don’t be ridiculous. You don’t have to contact someone just because you’re getting an abortion.

    That’s like sending a card for Arbor Day.

    I’m so glad I have you to put everything in perspective.

    What are you going to do?

    I have to go look at a cut of the short with Curtis.

    No better way to get over my ex-boyfriend than to stare at his face all afternoon.

    #Hollywood

    #VIPLYFESTYLE

    #ISHARRYSTYLESBI?

    He’s not bi. You have to get over this.

  SQUAD GOALS

  * * *

  Gen Goldman

  to Ava

  I made a friend. That’s right. A friend who I have no interest in sleeping with. (I guess Kent is my friend. But he is my editor first and foremost.)