I Hate Everyone But You
Page 14
We all went to Kent, my editor’s, house for a kick back. Every department came because there was free cake. (One of the managing editors has a hookup at this bakery. Cannot stress enough the importance of having someone in your life who has a hookup to a bakery.)
Alex was there. He was a brat the whole night. I mean he laughed and mingled and had a good time but wouldn’t look at me once. Even though I looked incredible and had the best party stories.
But I didn’t care because I finally talked to the 2 girls from the Lifestyle section. One of them, Kelly, is about as basic as Emerson admits. Jazmin on the other hand is cool as fuck. She’s from Miami and does not give a shit. She has a popular fashion Tumblr and more bandeaus than you can even imagine.
She’s a junior, and last year her friend (now graduated) made this crazy drink at the Beacon holiday party. It’s called The Force. You need to make it in a bathtub.
So we made it in the bathtub. Kent, my editor, was upset at first, but then the Force was with him and he got over it REAL QUICK. We were the hits of the party. Sitting on the edge of the tub, using a ladle to get turnt.
Turns out you can get to know someone real fast when you’re wasted. I feel closer to Jazmin than anyone else on this coast and we had barely talked before last night. She is just a good person disguised as a cool person. You would love her. We’re going to get brunch in 15. I’m brunching! What am I? Well-adjusted and straight?!
Did that jerkface ever text you? Or is he still air ballooning around the world?
Re: SQUAD GOALS
* * *
Ava Helmer
to Gen
Are you trying to break my heart, Gen? I mean I’m glad you have a friend or whatever, but it seems like you’re moving really fast. It took six months for you to even eat breakfast near me.
I’ll try to be the bigger person here, ignore your new friendship, and change the topic to make it about me.
I spent four hours with Curtis yesterday. His first cut was … questionable? It ran like 15 minutes. The script was 7 pages. LOTS of reaction shots.
I might need to work on my poker face for disappointment. I made a few audible “ughs,” which was not nice to Curtis. I tried to cover it up later, and we reached a really good middle ground. (The cut is still over 6, but change takes time.)
Sophia did a great job. Jake … not so much. Most of the editing involved looking for alternate takes of Jake not overacting. We ended up using a lot of his face before I called, “Action.”
He finally texted me, by the way. To ask if I was sore. GROSS! SO GROSS! I wasn’t, but I wrote back yes to be nice. I told him I was editing, and he got kind of mad that he wasn’t invited. I didn’t think he would want to be in the editing session. Also, it’s not like I gave him approval over the edit or something, which I probably should have given to my parents.
I sent him a link to the short after the edit as a courtesy, and then he emailed me back a whole slew of notes. Um. Do I have to listen to these notes? Most of them are bad. I guess a couple make sense … I don’t like being criticized. Not really a turn-on for me.
Wow. I’m so mad about the notes I actually forgot you are replacing me with your new bandeau-wearing BFF. At least remember me whenever you get ice cream. I love ice cream.
10:34 PM EST
I want to see the short!
No! It’s not ready!
But you sent it to stupid Jake!
I love you more in a single second than he’ll love anyone in his entire lifetime!
Awww, that’s so mean and creepy.
So you will send?
No. My fragile ego can’t afford any more notes.
I’ll be a yes-woman! I’ll love it all!
That’s even worse!
ADULT EMANCIPATION
* * *
Gen Goldman
to Ava
Can you emancipate when you are over 18? Just to send a strong message that you don’t want to hear from your family anymore.
I made the horrible mistake of disclosing Molly’s departure to my parents. My father started rambling about addiction and releasing one’s self from one’s ego. He then asked me if I’ve taken responsibility for enabling her. WTF? I’m not her drug dealer. Apparently my energy encourages reckless behavior. Really, Dad? Do you think Ava is reckless? (He finds you to be too caught up in your “sickness” to be tempted by other vices.)
Within a minute I was screaming: Did Mom enable you? Is that why you’ve been checked out for 20 years? He didn’t take my bait and remained eerily calm.
I hate people who remain calm. It makes my shouting less satisfying.
My mom finally butted in and told him to leave me alone. She then immediately ruined this act of solidarity by taking complete responsibility for my dad’s inability to stay sober.
Again. WTF? How can my mom possibly think it’s all her fault? How can he let her think that? Their entire dynamic is disgusting. Hope started crying before I could hang up the phone, so they hung up on me. I can’t believe they got to keep all the power AGAIN.
I’m not an enabler, am I? Do you think I act like my mom? Am I the reason Molly left?
I’m raging out.
Re: ADULT EMANCIPATION
* * *
Ava Helmer
to Gen
Jesus Christ. I don’t think you can get emancipated as an adult, but maybe my parents can still legally adopt you?
I wish you recorded these conversations so you could use them as ammo in the future. Or just put them in a documentary about crazy people.
You are not an enabler. You are a college kid who sometimes makes bad decisions. You’re not responsible for some random girl’s life. She was screwed up before you even entered the picture. The only thing I wish would change maybe is the kind of people you surround yourself with. You don’t need to hang out with uptight losers (present company excluded), but maybe there is a happy medium?
Either way, that’s just something to think about in the future. In the meantime, I suggest putting your dad’s face on a dartboard and really going to town.
7:12 AM PST
I think I have bedbugs.
U don’t have bedbugs.
HOW COULD YOU POSSIBLY KNOW THAT?
Sixth sense.
*Bug sense.
This isn’t funny.
I should have never have gone to the hotel.
Yeah, u totally should have lost it in that frat house.
My whole body is itchy.
Do you have bite marks?
I have mystery bumps.
Those are just boobs.
(.) (.)
EXTRA! EXTRA! READ ALL ABOUT IT!
* * *
Gen Goldman
to Ava
Your favorite lady’s got another hit on her hands! That’s right! Our scathing exposé is going viral! On a campus of under 4,000 people.
There are already rumors of a student protest. I’m not sure what their angle will be exactly, but I can’t wait to cover it!
I think the good news put a cease-fire on my feud with Alex. We exchanged a smile and a few words. I thought about asking for a high five but didn’t want to push it.
I’m a little afraid I’m going to get spoiled by all of this critical acclaim. I wonder how Kent, my editor, is going to feel when I become his editor in chief.
Charlotte reached out about it, obviously. She wants to celebrate. I’m gonna tell her to invite Tom so we can turn this into a real party.
JK. I will probably just go to dinner with Jazmin. I’ve become very boring in my success.
2:15 PM PST
My mom just sent me your article.
Hahaha
Does she think she keeps better tabs on you than me?
I mean we do Fac
eTime all the time.
No you don’t.
Do you??
IMPOSTOR SYNDROME
* * *
Ava Helmer
to Gen
Remember when I first told you I was going to join a sorority and you pretended like that was a good idea but we both knew you were lying?
Tonight was Monday Night Dinner. (A terrible tradition wherein I have to get dressed up every Monday and eat cooked carrots with the entire house.) I entered the room and looked for an open seat. All of these girls are supposed to be my closest friends and confidantes, but the idea of talking to them made me more nervous than asking a stranger to push a floor number on an elevator. I feel like no one here genuinely likes me and they are all forming these friendships while I sit around looking like a moron. No one is rude or anything. It’s worse. It’s like I’m not even there. It’s how I felt every moment of high school when you weren’t around. When am I going to outgrow this feeling? When will I find my people? Grad school? Nursing home?
I finally picked a spot next to Chelsea, who I thought was becoming my friend but then stopped trying a couple weeks ago. (If you’ll remember, she was too busy sucking face at a party to accompany me to the bathroom that one time.) She smiled and everything but spent the whole dinner talking to everyone else. I think I maybe said 10 words, and you know how hard it is to get me to shut up.
Emma was my only real friend here and now she’s gone.
You think I would be better at all of this since I went to that social skills class when I was 12. I wonder if it is too late to get a refund.
Our Date Dash with ZBT is coming up. (It’s just a big party with my sorority and Jake’s fraternity.) Maybe that will be fun? Or awful.
I wish I liked to drink. Drunk people seem happier.
Re: IMPOSTOR SYNDROME
* * *
Gen Goldman
to Ava
As a child of an alcoholic, let me assure you that drunk people are absolutely much happier. And destructive and unhealthy and miserable! You don’t need to be intoxicated to have fun. You just need more stimulation than a room full of crop tops talking about The Bachelor.
I never thought you shouldn’t join a sorority. I thought you should try to join a sorority and see how it went. It sounds like it’s not going great? What’s your reasoning for staying in it at this point?
I don’t want to suggest a pro-and-con list, but if you decided to do something that dorky on your own, I wouldn’t be against it.
Re: IMPOSTOR SYNDROME
* * *
Ava Helmer
to Gen
PROS
1) Normalcy. After a childhood of mostly hanging out with my parents and attending cognitive behavioral therapy sessions, being in a sorority feels excitingly average. It’s what regular, evenly balanced people do before getting married and having kids without the fear of postpartum depression.
2) Cool. I feel cool. Even if it’s not a top house, some girls don’t get into any house. And I got in. So I want to rub that in people’s faces a bit.
3) Social life. I attend class for maybe a total of 15 hours 4 days a week. I need set activities to fill the rest of the time. Outside of the house I really only have Sophia and Emma, who have their own set of friends. I guess I could try to transition into one of their crews, but that seems forced and uncomfortable. The rest of the screenwriting kids hang out a lot. Maybe I should attend more of their events, even though they make fun of my lack of film knowledge.
4) Boys. I know I already have a boyfriend, but what if we break up and I need to find a new one? Drunk frat guys seem like low-hanging fruit.
CONS
1) I hate it.
Technically, pros are winning in terms of numbers …
12:04 AM EST
You have to quit the sorority.
I know.
MY SEPTUM AND OTHER UPDATES
* * *
Gen Goldman
to Ava
I’m officially in love with Jazmin. And not sexually! If anything, I keep waiting to fall sexually in love with her, but our sisterhood bond is too strong. (The body rejects incest. That is just science.)
We spent all afternoon and night together and I didn’t get bored once! That is huge for me when not sleeping with someone. She cooked us dinner??? Yes. I had a home-cooked meal that did not start in a can or microwavable box. I didn’t know vegetables could taste edible! Maybe I will not die at 27 now like all of the greats.
Her apartment is rad. She has a studio in the North End. Her boyfriend used to live with her but now he lives back in Miami. They’re in an open relationship. I didn’t realize straight people could be so chill too.
After we got red wine tipsy, we wanted to go do something fun that didn’t involve other people, so we went to this tattoo parlor. Jazmin got a heart on her finger and I got a septum piercing. NBD. Just the coolest piercing a chick can get other than her nipple. I’m about to post 10 different photos to my Insta. I already know you will hate it, but I’m obsessed. I look like a bull. In a very good sexy in-charge way.
I wanted Jazmin to get her septum pierced too, but she said too many people already think she’s gay.
Ava. I look like a boss. Can’t wait for my parents to not notice.
9:32 AM PST
I love it!!!
Really??
Oh, yeah! It looks amazing!
I think I should get one too.
Ya?
Definitely! After I get a few teardrop face tattoos.
That’s not an OK joke.
Why???
For so many social, economic, and racial reasons.
Sorry
MILEY & LIAM
* * *
Ava Helmer
to Gen
Remember when Miley and Liam broke up and everyone thought that it was over forever but then OUT OF NOWHERE they got back together stronger than ever!?? I remember. I think about it every day. Especially on this day of all days where I called my brand-new boyfriend an “assjerk.”
I feel like I haven’t set the scene for you in a while. So let me do so now.
INT. ZBT HOUSE—JAKE’S ROOM—EVENING
The air is warm from a series of elaborate Snapchat videos wherein Tyler drenched himself with Gatorade while sitting on his bed.
Tyler exits to shower. Leaving Jake and Ava alone for the first time.
AVA
He just ruined his bed.
JAKE
Nah. It will dry.
AVA
He’s not going to wash it???
JAKE
He’ll wash it or it will dry. Whatever. It’s not our bed.
Jake tries to make a move on Ava, but she is too antsy.
AVA
I think I’m gonna quit Gamma Phi.
Jake laughs. Distracted by his attempt to make another move.
AVA
I’m serious. I hate it.
JAKE
Since when?
AVA
Since always.
A bit of debate wherein Ava concedes she hasn’t always hated it. The first week was pretty fun. But that’s it.
JAKE
I don’t think you should quit. Our Date Dash is next week! We’ll have fun!
AVA
OK. I’ll quit next week.
JAKE
No! Just give it the semester.
AVA
Why do you care if I’m in a sorority?
JAKE
It’s more fun. It’s a similar lifestyle. We won’t see each other as much if you drop out.
AVA
Why? It’s not like we are in the same sorority.
Jake shrugs and becomes angry quiet.
AVA
I don’t feel like I fit in.
JAKE
That’s beca
use you’re not trying.
Welcome to the climax of our argument where I find out that Jake thinks I purposefully stay on the sidelines of social events because I’m “better” than everyone. EVER HEARD OF SOCIAL ANXIETY, JAKE? Or were you not listening when I gave you a complete breakdown of my various disorders.
I cry. Then yell. Then cry some more. He shuts down. I apologize. He thinks I’ve changed my mind about staying in the sorority and tries to make another move. I clarify that I’m apologizing for the yelling and crying. Not for my informed decision to quit the sorority. He gets mad again. I ask if I should leave. He shrugs. I leave.
Red Gatorade drips onto the floor.
I don’t get it. Why does it matter if I stay?? I understand the Date Dash thing and I’m willing to wait that out, but four years of not knowing where to sit on a Monday night? No guy is worth that. Maybe Michael B. Jordan. But that’s it.
11:52 AM EST
Ew. Ew. Ew.
Dump him!
What? No! It was one fight.
But he’s trying to control you!
He’s not. I think he was just surprised.
I don’t care what he was. He should never tell you what to do.
I tell you what to do all the time and you don’t dump me.
Ur not a cis straight male.
Try to remember that you’ve only been gay for two minutes.
I’ve been gay my whole life.
I thought you didn’t believe in labels.
I’m simplifying it for you.
Got it. Well, I’ll go live my dumb straight lifestyle with my controlling boyfriend.
Remember to shave your legs and adhere to unnatural beauty standards!
IF AT FIRST YOU DON’T SUCCEED…
* * *
Gen Goldman
to Ava
Drop the class. Unfortunately, it is too late for me to drop Earth Science: Natural Disasters, so I will have to settle for a D-. I don’t understand why the honors program requires science. This is a vocational and technical school. Everyone here already knows what they want to do. And it’s not digging up rocks.