Spin Out

by James Buchanan

  Most of all, through it all, we lay back on the bed and kept touching.

  While I knew I shouldn’t, I couldn’t help but. Everything about us had always been so free and easy…probably the only guy I’d ever been free and easy with—at least before Kabe. And I also knew, the moment I indicated yes, Dev and I’d be all up on each other. The offer was there in how he held himself against me, the way his smile turned a little wicked each time I looked at him, and honestly a thousand other little ticks and tells I couldn’t put a bead on. I understood Dev. His mind on things was, sex heals all ills. He’d have played doctor at the drop of a hat. Me, I held back.

  I wasn’t right ready to let go of what I had with Kabe.

  Even if what I had already vanished like smoke, I didn’t want to ruin it. Like Dev teased, I didn’t give up easy…wouldn’t have been a cop if’n I did. No matter how much I wanted to bury myself in Dev’s smell and taste, I had to know that Kabe didn’t want me no more. I mean, really, deep down in the pit of my heart, know. So I kept talking, distracting myself from the physical want. Dev, best friend I ever had, kept talking back, letting me know he held an offer open, but he didn’t push none.

  Finally, the lulls in the conversation drug out longer and longer. “I am bushed.” Could hardly keep my eyes open. Rolled my head to look towards the clock but it weren’t facing me. “What time is it?” Both of us lolled right up against each other on the same bed.

  Dev lifted his arm and rolled his wrist so he could see it. “Watch says almost two.”

  “I gotta get.” I thought for a moment that I ought to sit up, but I couldn’t quite motivate my body to do it. “I ain’t usually up this late.”

  Pushing against my head with his knuckles, Dev asked, “You got shift tomorrow?”

  “No. Wait…” Had to think a moment, tomorrow was really already today. Christmas Eve. My schedule was all sideways these couple of weeks. “No I’m getting Christmas Eve off, working Christmas.” My head was all muddled. “Oh heck, they’re messing with the schedules something awful ‘cause of the holidays. All I know is I’m banking a lot of overtime and it should all shake out eventually.”

  “Okay.” Dev rolled himself off the bed and onto his feet. “Well, kick off your shoes and crash here.”

  I struggled to sit up. “I don’t want to put you out.” Imposing on his vacation hadn’t been part of my plan.

  “Joe.” Dev scowled. “Not like I haven’t seen you buck-ass-naked. I got two beds. Take one.” He started shucking his shirt. “You don’t snore any worse than R.K.”

  “Your dog snores?” I should get to my feet and go, just couldn’t find enough energy in my bones to do it. “I mean, I knew he was a vicious little thing, but he snores. Two words—Coyote Food.”

  Dev tossed his shirt and hit me on my face. “Go to bed, Joe.”

  “I ain’t gonna be a bother…”

  He pointed at the head of the bed. “Put that buzz-cut, thick skulled head of yours on the pillow, or I’ll do it for you,” he ordered. “Look, Joe, I don’t want it on my conscience if you drifted off and then drifted off the side of the road up here. So, come on, go to sleep and take off in the morning.”

  Dev had a point there. As tired as I was, I might nod off during the drive. Not like it was a long way, but my brain already whispered siren songs about how nice and soft this bed felt. “Alright, I guess.” I conceded. Started unbuttoning my shirt…t-shirt and shorts would do to sleep in.

  Dev started pulling the junk outta his pockets. “You know the beds are big.” A sleepy, but kinda wicked grin, flashed across his face.

  I stopped about midway through one button. “What?”

  Dropping down next to me, he breathed out, “I’m here.” He’d stripped his shirt. The connected whorls of ink across his pecs always fascinated me. I’d spent many a night tracing them with my tongue. “Just like old times.”

  Couldn’t say that I weren’t tempted. “Thanks but…”

  “…No thanks.” Dev rolled his eyes. “Shit, it is fucking love.” He hauled himself off the bed and stumbled towards the light switch.

  Managed to get my shirt off and toed out of my boots. “Naw, it’s, you know…” I shrugged my shoulders while I popped the button fly on my jeans.

  Dev laughed as he flipped the main switch. “Don’t kid yourself, Joe.” Only the little light on the nightstand cast shadows across his body. He threw himself on the other bed and rolled across it to reach the lamp. “You’re in love.”

  “I ain’t.” Even as I denied it, I weren’t so sure.

  Punching the button at the base of the lamp, Dev growled, “Grab some shut-eye and shut up, you liar.”

  [Back to Table of Contents]

  Chapter 16

  “Sure you don’t want me to help?” I asked as I sat in Nadia’s living room while she messed with dinner in the kitchen. I could see everything she did since there were no real walls inside the downstairs of her rented townhouse; the wood floor for the kitchen and dining area butted right up against the brown carpet for the living room. That was the only way you knew where one stopped and the other began.

  “No,” she chided, “this is my party. You just sit there and be a big old muscly-beary part of the decor for a bit.”

  Nadia had this kinda funky way of putting things together. A raw pine and squared off dining room table and four chairs had a three foot piece of driftwood draped with almost a dozen crystals from old chandeliers strung above it. The armchair I sat in could have come off the set of some sixties sit-com and the couch looked like it belonged in an Asian palace.

  I got up and stepped over the steamer trunk she used as a coffee table. “You’re sure?” Somehow it flowed together with these paintings she had that weren’t more than colors and shapes that let your mind play with them—I mean, I didn’t like most of what folks called abstract art, but these drew you in and worked on your soul. She’d said her gal, the one that died, painted them. Add that to the pottery and folk art she’d picked up here and there the whole place felt fun and warm. I knew, pretty intimately, every stick of furniture and gewgaw she owned, since she’d dogged me into helping her move in, back when I’d been suspended.

  I walked over and tapped one of the clear teardrops. They clinked together, sounding like tiny church bells. “I can chop something or whatever.” Took me two and a half hours to get those crystals just in the way she wanted them.

  “Nope, you sit down.” She glowered at me with that momma bear stare she had. “You’re all gonna eat and we’re gonna have a talk over a slice of Righteous Pie.”

  I didn’t sit. “Righteous Pie? Smells like apple to me.” I wouldn’t ever want to get cross-wise in a fight with Nadia, but I weren’t about to let her push me around.

  “Sugar, this is no mere apple pie.” She swung ‘round, propped her butt against the counter and grinned. “This apple pie is so good, it’s Righteous.”

  “So who all’s coming?” Habit, I’d come on down early. First off, you could never be sure how the roads down the mountain would be at this time of year. Added to that was that I couldn’t stand sitting at my place, on Christmas Eve, alone with my thoughts and worries.

  “Fred and his wife, a few other folks from the service.” A pause floated up, all heavy and expectant, filling the room for a bit before she added, “Kabe said he’d drop by.”

  Now I did take a chair. I huffed and my jaw got tight. “What, you want me to get all excited or something?” That equaled a big ol’ part of the mess I didn’t want to be thinking on.

  Wiping her hands on a dish towel, Nadia ambled on over to me. “Sugar, you have to talk to him.” She snaked a chair out with her foot, then sat down and leaned close. “I know he was spitting nails that day. I mean, come on, Sugar, he ended up on my door step afterwards and I had to listen to him all that night and when I drove him home the next day.” She reached out and thumped my forehead with her fingers. “But, you have to try.”

  “He don’t want to ta
lk to me.” I shrugged. “He made that clear.”

  Nadia dropped her hand over top of mine and squeezed. “Have you tried to talk to him?” She’s probably the only person in my life I’d let mess in my love life.

  I don’t know why I trusted her with the thing I wouldn’t talk over with no one else. “Called a couple of times. He didn’t pick up.” I’d left a few messages, each a little more desperate than the last. All said the same thing, I need you, I’m sorry, just not in those words really. His silence was enough of an answer.

  “Well he knows you’re going to be here.” I got another squeeze. “I’d say him showing up would be a good sign.”

  “I guess.” I got saved from more prodding by the arrival of a few folks. Mostly rangers and their families. Nice people, generally, from the Park Service, and I only kinda half knew most of them. When Fred hit the house, it gave me someone besides Nadia to talk to.

  He caught me looking up at the door each time a new face showed up. I had a little hope that the next person in might be Kabe. Somehow, I think Fred figured that out, because by the third time, Fred bumped my shoulder with his fist. “Sorry it worked out this way for you, Joe.”

  I knew what he was talking about, same place my mind was all wrapped up over. “Kinda gotta take what life throws at you.”

  “Yep.” He agreed. “Life’s a bitch and then you die.” Amazing how we could have a conversation without really ever dealing with the subject direct. The topic done, at least between us, Fred pulled me over to meet some of the folks I didn’t know. The night shaped up to be, while not the best ever, at least not unpleasant.

  I had a mouthful of cookie and a cup of eggnog in my hand from the un-spiked pitcher when the doorbell rang again. Nadia hustled over. When she threw it open, by the look on her face, I knew who was on the other side. I had to chug the eggnog to keep from choking on the cookie that decided to go down the wrong pipe.

  “Merry Christmas!” Kabe blew in, carrying with him a breeze of cool air and a tall skinny bag in his hand. “Brought you a bottle of wine.”

  “I’m so glad you made it.” Nadia shut the door behind him. “Was worried I wouldn’t see you.”

  A rucked up red hoodie covered by a black denim trucker jacket and a white thermal shirt under it all probably kept Kabe as warm as a parka might, but looked a darn sight better on that whip lean frame. Especially when matched with tight, low-slung black jeans. One of those winter stocking caps, pulled down over his ears, pressed that mess of wild black hair around his neck. There weren’t nobody I’d ever seen who looked finer than him.

  “I have to come by and at least say hi.” Kabe’s face glowed all bright with the cold outside as he gave Nadia a quick hug. “What an ordeal.” As he passed the bag to Nadia, Kabe looked around the room. When his eyes hit mine the smile on his face dropped just a notch. That quick moment seemed all I rated, ‘cause he swung his attention back to Nadia. “Can’t just run by the store on the way over.” He rolled his eyes and twisted that full mouth into a grimace. “Have to go all the way over to the Alcoholic Beverage Control center.” With a snort he added, “Shit, it’s easier to get booze behind bars.”

  “Well, Sugar,” Nadia nestled the package in the crook of her arm. “I appreciate all your effort on my part.” Then she tapped the bag. “We’ll open it and have a glass.”

  “Can’t.” That one word of his crushed me. “I’m on my way to another party. It’s just—” I got another tight frown off him before he finished with, “Yeah, you know how it is.”

  “Sure you can’t stay just a little bit.” Nadia looked right at me as she wheedled. I’m sure she wanted me to chime in, say something, but my voice froze in my throat. I couldn’t even swallow or nothing.

  “No, I got two people in my truck waiting.” He used his chin to point toward the door. “Don’t want them to freeze to death on Christmas Eve.”

  “Bring ‘em on in for a bit.” She tugged at the lapel of his jacket. “We’ve got plenty to go around.”

  “Nadia…” That tone off of him, yeah he knew why she was prodding him to stay and wasn’t about to bite that hook.

  Relenting, Nadia went back to cradling the wine. “Alright, Sugar.” Nadia might be feisty, but she had enough of a head on her shoulders to know when more pushing just might make things worse. “You be safe tonight.”

  “Promise, I will. Volunteered as designated driver tonight.” He tossed a greeting out to the room, “Merry Christmas, everyone,” then disappeared through the door.

  All I could think about was he didn’t want to stay. He’d made other plans. Kabe really didn’t want to be around me. No more of those bright smiles in the morning. No more wild nekkid nights. No more of just sitting all wrapped up on my couch not saying nothing.

  All gone.

  “Joe!” Nadia’s whipcrack voice knocked me off from staring at the door and Kabe’s ghost behind my eyes.

  “What?”

  “Move your butt.” She took a step toward me and pointed at the door. “Before that boy gets in his truck and drives away, and I have to put some serious hurt on you.”

  Everyone in the room just stared at me. My gut froze as hard as the Sevier River in January with all that attention. Then it hit. Nadia was right. If’n I didn’t move now, I might not get another chance. I bolted out the door like the devil rode my heels.

  I could see him halfway down the walk, heading for the street. “Kabe!” I called out, probably a little louder than I really needed to.

  He stopped and turned. “What?” The low wattage outside lights mixed with flashes and twinkles off strings of Christmas lights to throw odd shadows onto his face. He waited, his body held stiff and defensive as I walked up.

  I shoved my hands under my pits to keep them warm since, like an idiot, I’d run out without my jacket on. “I was hoping, I don’t know maybe…you sure you cain’t stay a little?” Lord it was cold outside. All of two seconds in the night and my nuts tried to crawl up inside my crotch.

  He stared off at the Christmas decorations strung across someone’s balcony. “I got friends in the truck, waiting.”

  “Oh, ah, friends?” Most all the folks he knew, I knew, and they were inside Nadia’s house.

  “Some people I’ve met working at the resort.” He shrugged. “We’re all getting together over at Steven’s place.” I half recalled him talking about Steven…senior ski instructor up at the lodge. “He’s worked the slopes every winter for ages.” Also made some joke about finally finding some more gay friends, but Kabe’d never seemed like he wanted to introduce us. “He and his partner throw a big bash at their house for the folks who work Brian Head. So I’m headed over.”

  “Gonna drop by the house tomorrow, maybe?” I don’t know exactly why I asked, just guess I needed a little hope.

  “No.” Kabe shook his head as he took a big ol’ lungful of air. “Just no.”

  There had to be something I could say to set things back to rights. “Kabe…”

  “Joe, stop.” He sucked in another deep breath and then blew it out in a sparkling cloud. “Right now there’s not a goddamn thing you can say that would make me stay. Honestly, I’m still so massively pissed at you, and at me.”

  Alright. I got that I’d twisted his shorts, but it were all things I’d done. “Why you mad at yourself?” That didn’t make no sense.

  “Because I trusted you.” His own hands were tucked in under his pits. I got the sense it weren’t for the same reason as me. “And I let myself believe that you were different and that you weren’t going to treat me like a little fuck toy without a brain.” Kabe’s face got all tight and hard. “And then you go and treat me like I can’t handle shit.”

  That weren’t at all what it was about. “I didn’t want you to have to worry about it.” He had to understand. “I could worry enough on my own.” And, Lord, I had. Just there wasn’t no way I could lay that trouble on someone else’s doorstep.

  “That’s the point.” Kabe snapped. “You
weren’t on your own. You were with me. At least that’s what I thought we had. That you thought of me as…well that we were, you know, kinda equals in this.” His voice cracked in the thin, cold air. “And apparently not, ‘cause you don’t even think I can handle knowing you might lose your fucking job.” He stepped close and hissed, “That you could go to jail for being with me.”

  I repeated, “I didn’t want you to worry none.” ‘Cause I didn’t know what else to say to make it right.

  I could see the strain on the muscles down his neck from holding himself in check. “Goddammit,” he spat out the curse, “don’t you think I have a right to that fucking information. You didn’t trust me enough to tell me. And I trusted you with a hell of a lot.” Another huff of frozen breath obscured his features. “I’d have let you do damn near anything because I fucking trusted you.” Kabe kicked at a bit of ice on the walk and jammed his hands into his jeans’ pockets. “And now, now I don’t.” With a shrug he added, “So Merry Fucking Christmas, Joe. I’ve got a party to get to.”

  And that was it. He walked away. I stood out there, freezing my balls off, and watched him until he got in the truck and drove off. Even after that it weren’t until I heard Nadia calling me that I found the strength to move on back inside.

  She caught me up in a big hug as I stepped in. “Sugar, he’s just angry right now.” Somebody closed the door…it might have even been me, but I weren’t thinking too clear on that. “It’ll work out.” Nadia pulled away and tried to smile. “Give him some time.”