Spin Out

by James Buchanan

  My body felt so tense I thought I might snap in two if I moved wrong. Almost as if my lungs had shriveled up into themselves I couldn’t quite take a full breath in. The world didn’t seem like it spun in the right orbit or nothing. Add into that whole mix that I stood in a house full of people who’d just witnessed me getting thrown. I didn’t want to be anywhere near any of them right then.

  My coat was right there in the closet next to me. I fumbled that door open and managed to find my old field jacket in among those of other folks. “I think,” I stuttered it, as I shoved my hands through the sleeves, “I’m headed out.”

  “Joe, stay.” She touched my cheek with the back of her hand. My momma used to do that to check me for fever. “I’ve got an extra bedroom. Plunk yourself down and we’ll have pie for Christmas breakfast.”

  “I…” One look around at the people pretending they weren’t seeing nothing and I knew I couldn’t stomach a whole night of that. “Thanks for the offer, but I ain’t much for company right now.”

  “Joe.” Nadia sounded as broke as I felt. “Sugar.”

  I kept my voice pretty low. “Nadia, I just cain’t.” I zipped up the jacked and fumbled for my keys in the pocket. “Not with all these people, okay. And I got to work tomorrow.”

  Like she understood, Nadia nodded. “Call me when you get in.” She opened the front door for me. “I won’t sleep unless I know you’ve made it home okay.”

  The drive back up the mountain weren’t much but darkness. Took me almost half again as long to get home than usual. ‘Least the ice on the road focused my mind onto something other than the slot canyon my life had tumbled into. I pulled into my yard and parked the car up near the porch. Kabe’d once said the place looked like a fancy ski lodge, only in miniature. With the snow clinging to the high pitched roof and wood logs of the wall, I could almost see it. But remembering how he thought on things twisted my chest all tight again.

  As I hauled myself out of the truck I texted Fred’s cell asking him to let Nadia know I was home. I didn’t think I could stand to hear another human’s voice right then. But if I didn’t somehow get her word, she’d start ringing me until I answered. Nadia was like that…mothered her adopted boys like a grizzly bear.

  I walked into a cold, dark house. Only the tiny Christmas tree shed any light into my living room…one small strand of multi-colored mini-bulbs and a “stained glass” star at the top glowed. Kabe and I’d bought them the same day we trekked up the mountain to cut the tree. Beyond the lights, the tree weren’t more than a bunch of pinecones hung on with ribbons that Nadia’d made up. I’d stuck the Christmas cards from my family in among the branches just to fill it out. Other than that, it was an odd little jumble of a few actual ornaments mixed up with bits of law enforcement junk people felt compelled to give me—star key chains, a rubber duck wearing a sheriff’s hat and those sorts of things—as well as some tiny pride flags and buttons Kabe’d dug up outta his stuff.

  The packages I’d wrapped up waited for him under the tree; a chalkbag with chalk and tape and other stuff he’d need for his free solo climbs come summer, and a flannel shirt in greens and browns to match the colors in his hazel eyes and keep him warm right now. I hadn’t put them up. Maybe I’d hoped he’d come ‘round by now. But he hadn’t, and I was starting to think on that he never would.

  A night I should have spent wrapped up with my boy and laughing with friends…not necessarily in that order…and I faced a cold living room and an empty bed. All of it, my own damned fault. As I dragged myself up the stairs to my room, I figured there weren’t much to do except go back to how I’d been before I met him. I had my job and I’d just content myself with that…at least until it got taken away too.

  I kicked off my boots, crawled under the covers in my clothes and tried to lose my thoughts in sleep.

  [Back to Table of Contents]

  Chapter 17

  Woke up Christmas morning feeling like a dog left out in the snow. Had to wonder if this was how folks who drank felt after a night of tying one on. Not that I physically suffered…but mentally, I crawled as low as a snake. Couldn’t even really drown myself in my job. Even if I was on shift, the first part of it meant driving around all by my lonesome with nothing to fill my head except my own thoughts. There ain’t no place as quiet as the middle of Utah on Christmas morning.

  I’d been an idiot…and done it in front of a boat load of people I didn’t hardly know. There I was last night acting like some moon-eyed kid all messed up ‘cause Kabe got his balls in a twist about me not telling him my problems. Like he had any say in how I lived my life. Let it get to me enough to ruin my whole night. And that just weren’t right. I knew better. Christmas is for kids and those that got kids. For me it’s just another day. Getting worked up and misty because of some pretty lights didn’t do me no good at all.

  If Kabe wanted to be done with me, that was okay by me. I didn’t need him messing in my life, no how. I’d done right fine up ‘til now being on my own.

  Nadia’d already rang my line five or six times and it weren’t even noon yet. Let the calls go to voice mail since I weren’t up to dealing with her.

  Instead, I drove ‘round through Escalante. Went by Alex’s house behind a diner on the main drag of Highway 12. I’d talked to Trey and I’d talked to Cooper, and since that time I’d been hunting for Alex. He hadn’t been at school the couple days before Christmas break. Figured if there was a day he’d be about, well, Christmas morning would likely be it.

  The diner his folks owned was locked up tight. I halfway expected that. In a small town they wouldn’t get much business at all. Didn’t expect it of the house though. Drifts of snow hadn’t been cleared off the walk or the drive. Not that there’d been a heavy fall, but we’d had enough flurries I would have seen the evidence of traffic going up to the door. The only footprints, as far as I could tell, were mine from a couple days back. Found my card still wedged in the frame of the door.

  I really wanted to talk with Alex. Cooper and Trey, those two put together didn’t exactly set my mind at ease. I knew Alex were younger than both, not so tough as it were. He might give me clues the other boys didn’t drop. But, not much I could do except head back to the station at that point.

  Wrote a couple tickets for speeding on my way back. Then I did a welfare check on an older lady who lived on her own outside of Tropic and hadn’t made it ‘round to the post office in a while. Turned out she’d just had the flu. By the time I got ‘round back to the station, having finished my early patrol, Noreen had dumped the previous three days worth of mail on my desk.

  Most of it was junk: training fliers, tactical catalogs and the like. One envelope caught my attention. The OME report. I figured that’s what it held since Noreen had clipped a fax copy of the thing on the outside. Looked like that’d come in the day I’d been down at the POST hearing, and two days later the hard copy’d caught up with it.

  Decided, since I had two copies, I’d put the original in the file. Then I took the fax on with me to the place I usually ate in Panguitch. They were open for the few tourists who might be around. I settled into my usual booth and Jane brought me out a plate of ham and eggs with a slice of pumpkin bread. I grinned up at her, “No rest for the wicked, huh?”

  “Not if I want to pay the bills,” she teased back. “Just make sure you tip me nice so I can afford the batteries for my boys’ new toys.”

  Took a few bites as I skimmed through the preliminaries to get to the heart of the matter: cause of death. Gunshot wound to the face with a trajectory of front to back and angling slightly downward. Shoveled another mouthful of scrambled eggs in my maw as I flipped over the preliminaries of organ weights, narratives of the external exam and identifying marks. Knew from the preliminary report that they’d identified Lane through his dental records.

  Finally, I hit the good part, what was titled Evidence of Injury. Entrance through the upper jaw and back of the upper palate with injury to the brain, apparently t
he bullet played pinball inside the skull. The ME recovered a deformed, mushroomed slug from the skull along with fragments of copper and white metal from the wound path. The caliber was consistent with a .30-.30 rifle round, most likely one used for game. The softer point hunting loads didn’t tear up meat as much as the ones used for self defense. A variety of good hunting rifles used the round. Just about every male over the age of ten ‘round here had access to one. Heck, a Winchester .30-.30 sat in my gun safe…I’d had it with me the day Kabe stumbled over Lane’s body.

  Also, since the slug hadn’t exited the back of Lane’s head, the report questioned whether the round might have been old or a sloppy reload using less powder than standard. Again, lots of folks in these parts knew how to reload ammo. Some shorted the powder loads in rounds they used for target practice. Why waste it when all you needed to do was make sure you hit the pop can.

  Given the state of Lane’s body, the ME couldn’t state for certain the range of fire, but opined that it’d likely been close because of some powder on the fragmented front teeth. Also noted was evidence of subcutaneous bruising on the chest, face and hands…at or near the time of death. A lot was ruled defensive, but some of the evidence on the knuckles might have meant Lane didn’t go down easy. We lucked out on how much the cold and snow preserved.

  The postmortem broken arm…well, yeah, that was Kabe’s doing.

  Based on the bruising and the low angle trajectory of the shot—almost head on—OME ruled Lane’s death a homicide with the notation death at the hands of another. The thoughts were that if he’d shot himself, the angle would have been much steeper and upwards with how he’d have to hold a rifle in his mouth and still be able to pull the trigger. That would have been homicide, self inflicted—suicide in less formal jargon.

  Of course, that didn’t add up with the note we’d found in Lane’s pocket. Or maybe it did and Lane had help. We’d seen suicide pacts up here before. Could be that was why Chris went missing. His body might be found not too far away come summer. We’d searched a good bit of the area, but we might have stopped within a foot of his body and not known it. Might have to call in the guy over in Hatch who trained hounds for search and rescue. He had a cadaver dog.

  Or, could be, Chris chickened out when he saw what that kinda death really did to someone. That is, if it was Chris. Could have been someone else entirely. I laid odds on whoever it was that shot Lane took the rifle with them and that’s why we didn’t find it.

  A hearty, “Morning, Sugar,” broke into my thoughts. Darn it all, Nadia.

  I put the report down and glared at her as she walked over. “What?” Guessed she’d caught a Christmas shift too since Nadia wore her ranger’s uniform. Criminals don’t take holidays off so law enforcement don’t neither. “I don’t answer your phone calls so you come looking for me?”

  “No, actually.” She slid into the booth opposite me and plunked a travel mug on the table. “I stopped by to get some coffee and it’s either here or the gas station up aways.” Reaching over and breaking off a hunk of the pumpkin bread, she added, “Coffee here is better,” before tossing the bit in her mouth.

  Slid the plate with the bread over to her. “Take it, not my favorite.”

  Nadia broke off another bite. “Whatcha reading?”

  “Here.” I handed it over. “OME report on Lane’s death.” Nadia worked law enforcement for the Parks Service and Lane’s body was found near National Forrest territory—not on it, but pretty darn close. Wouldn’t be out of line for her to read the report.

  Nadia skimmed the pages as she nibbled on the bread. While she read, Jane wandered over with the coffee pot, filled up Nadia’s mug and told us she was going to take a break for a few and we should feel free to get whatever we needed. Pretty much left Nadia and I as the only souls in the dining area.

  As Jane walked away, Nadia handed me back the report. “What’s your take?”

  “Don’t know.” I spun my orange juice between my hands. “There might be another body up there. Or not. Could be somebody killed Lane and ran.”

  She paused, another piece of bread halfway to her mouth and said, “We should bring in a dog and search.” Then she popped the bit in her mouth and reached over for a handful of sugar packets.

  “Was thinking the same thing.” Having done an investigation with her before, I weren’t too surprised that she and I thought along the same lines.

  Tearing each packet open, one at a time, and dumping the contents in her coffee, Nadia added, “Just let me know and we’ll coordinate.”

  I grinned and stood. “Appreciate it.” I folded the report up under my arm then fished my wallet out of my back pocket as I walked over to the counter. Knew pretty much what things cost so I slid enough to cover my food and Nadia’s coffee, plus a bit extra, under the edge of the cash register before I put my wallet away.

  Nadia came up behind me and hit me with, “You need to do something about you and Kabe.”

  Darn it all, I thought I was going to get away quick enough to avoid that topic. Turned around and smacked the report in my palm. “Like what, exactly?” I added one of my officer type glares even though I pretty much knew it wouldn’t faze her none.

  She looked at me like I’d lost my mind. “Go apologize to him.”

  “For what?” I’da walked out, except I figured she’d dog me. “I didn’t do nothing wrong.” At least inside there weren’t nobody to overhear us. “It was my burden to bear, not his. It’s not my problem if he cain’t handle it.”

  “Yes it is.” She sat down on one of the counter stools and crossed her arms over her chest. “And, by the way, it is your fault, Joe.”

  I just stood there tapping the report against my thigh and feeling like I wanted to hit something. “What?”

  “You shut him out of your life.” Nadia reached up and poked my chest. “You expect to know everything going on in Kabe’s life, but you won’t let him into yours. And when you took it all on your shoulders, that big old burden…guess what, he walked into a hornet’s nest. All of it, all of it, is laid at your feet.”

  I didn’t like that Nadia thought she had a right all up in my business. “Even if it were, there ain’t nothing to be done about it now.” Knew she thought she was helping, but didn’t make it sit any easier. “The boy hates me. Told me as much last night.”

  “That’s ‘cause he’s angry, Joe.” She sighed like my momma did when I was a kid and got my head wrapped sideways around something. “Hurt. And he’s hitting you where he thinks it’ll hurt back.”

  Shook my head, denying it. “It don’t hurt me none.”

  “Bullshit.” Nadia spat out the word. “You don’t even believe that crap spilling out of your mouth.”

  I pulled one of the chairs from a table and spun it away. “What is it to you?” Then I propped my butt against the lip of the table and crossed my arms over my chest.

  Her tone went soft. “I like you, Sugar. This big old country bear jamboree that’s happening up here is a nice thing.” A sad smile blew across her dark face. “It’s something I think you’ve needed for a long time. I’m old enough to be your momma. I got perspective you don’t right now, and you need to apologize.”

  “And if I don’t want to?” There weren’t nothing I need to apologize for.

  “Oh, get off that horse.” She kicked my knee with one of her boots. “So your big old pride is going to take a beating. Yank up your big boy shorts and get your ass over to him. You need him.”

  “I don’t need nobody.” I would manage on my own, like I always had. “I didn’t need nobody before him, and I don’t need nobody now.”

  Lesser men would have pissed themselves under her stare. “Yes you do. You can’t even admit to yourself how much you do. You just don’t want to deal with it, because it’s messy and emotional and, oh my God, takes work.”

  I snorted. “I ain’t no gal, there ain’t no emotional stuff here.”

  “True.” Her laugh was a little nastier than mine.
“Right now you’re a big ol’ dick.”

  That hit me between the eyes. “Excuse me?”

  “You heard me right.” Nadia chided. “You’re being a dick about this whole thing. It hurts to admit you blew it.” She rolled her shoulders and screwed up her face. “It’s scary as all hell to let someone into your life. You have to trust him. You have to have faith that this thing between you will work. I know you, you believe that God tests people and you have to have faith that things are going according to His plan…”

  “God is not in my bedroom.” That was just nine kinds of wrong.

  “We’re not going there,” she snapped. “But, Joe, relationships get tested too. They take faith and commitment.” Rocking forward, her hands on her knees, Nadia added, “And sometimes you get all caught up in things and can’t see the forest for the trees and those times you have to believe that together you can make it work.”

  “I’ve been handling things on my own just fine.” I reminded her and myself, again.

  “Maybe.” She conceded without really giving up any ground. “But, if something were bothering Kabe, would you have wanted to know? Say they were looking at revoking his probation or something, you’d want to know, right?”

  “I’d be there for him.” Whatever he needed, I’d help him with. “He knows he could lean on me. I’d be right there for him.”

  “And don’t you think he wanted to be there for you.” She held up a hand to keep me from spitting out my denials. “Stop with the, ‘it’s my problem’ bullshit and think. Say you’re out climbing, wouldn’t you want someone to advise you on if the weather was going to get bad.”

  She’d switched gears too fast on me. “What are you on about?”

  “Even if you didn’t think he’d have to testify, you should have warned him of that storm up on the horizon.” Gal should have been a preacher with how her voice sounded… so reasonable and sure. “You let him walk into it without knowing the risks and pitfalls or even what was happening. You’d never do that to someone you were about to go up a mountain with.” She stared at me and I shrugged in response. “That hearing,” she pointed right between my eyes, “was your mountain, and whether you wanted it or not, someone else decided he’d be on that rope with you. By not telling him, you let him fall.”