Regretfully

by Leighton Riley

  Leighton Riley

  Text copyright © 2014 by Leighton Riley

  License Notes

  This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each reader. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to your favorite retailer and purchase your own copy

  All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other noncommercial uses permitted by copyright law.

  This book is a work of fiction. Reference to real people, events, establishments, organizations or locales are intended only to provide a sense of authenticity, and are used fictitiously. All other characters, and all incidents and dialogue, are drawn from the author's imagination and are not to be construed as real.

  Regretfully

  Editor: Jenny Sims

  Cover Design: Laura Hidalgo with Bookfabulous Designs

  Interior Design & Layout: Deena Rae @ E-BookBuilders

  Prologue

  Chapter 1

  Chapter 2

  Chapter 3

  Chapter 4

  Chapter 5

  Chapter 6

  Chapter 7

  Chapter 8

  Chapter 9

  Chapter 10

  Chapter 11

  Chapter 12

  Chapter 13

  Chapter 14

  Chapter 15

  Chapter 16

  Chapter 17

  For The Reader

  Meet Leighton

  Leighton's Books

  My best friend is going to be a dad. I should be a husband and a dad right now, but it was taken away from me. Not that I’m bitter, it’s just not fair. Cami was my soul mate, my everything. While we hadn’t told everyone about our relationship, we had been together for years, and before that, we were best friends. She was my first; I thought she’d be my last.

  How do you move on after your whole world is swept away from you? Sure, girls are available for me if I want them, offering to get my mind off her for an hour or two. I’ve never been the guy to hook up with some random girl at a bar— it just isn’t my style.

  Ryder and I had grown distant after Cami’s death, and I was partly to blame. Every time I saw him, I saw Cami. It was hard to handle seeing so much of her in his mannerisms, his face, and his personality. Being twins, it was to be expected— they were more alike than different. I haven’t been a good friend, and I probably would have dealt with her death better if he’d been around, but that didn’t happen. I’ve made some mistakes, but I’m learning from them.

  Meeting Payton, Ryder’s now girlfriend, in Vegas while she was on a quick getaway had been by chance, and it was like she recognized my pain and knew what I needed. She was genuine and passionate about Vegas— she said that it was her place to escape.

  After that short weekend in Vegas, I felt a weight lifted off my shoulders. Being able to tell Payton about the love Cami and I shared and lost without seeing pity in her eyes; being able to think about something other than the loss that consumed my life; it gave me the strength to keep going. Payton was different than other girls. Her sole purpose that day was giving me a few hours of reprieve from my thoughts about losing Cami. No physical connection, just the comfort of having someone there for me.

  Cami ruined me for other women. I compare every girl I come close to having feelings for to her. It isn’t fair to me or the girls. Except, there is this one girl. She scares the shit out of me. Well, the feelings I am beginning to have scare me. She’s incredible, but I’ve probably fucked that up, too. I wonder if I’m even capable of loving two people. Or will it always feel like I’m betraying Cami?

  Staring at Cami’s breathtaking memorial photo, my mind replayed last week’s events like it was just moments ago. It was taken last summer at a friend’s wedding, showcasing her bright, vivid smile and the spectacular light in her aquamarine blue eyes. Her chocolate brown hair fell in waves down the center of her back and the moment captured her laughing sweetly. We didn’t have a worry in the world, and I wished we could go back to that day.

  A smaller picture showed her just getting out of the water, board in hand, as she sauntered over to me. We were aware of the ocean’s treacherous conditions and unforgiving power, but it was our passion.

  Massive swells, ideal weather, and perfect company made us feel invincible, and we were testing our limits on what we could handle out in the waves. But that power was taken away in the blink of an eye, and my life forever changed that day.

  Cami was my everything. She gave me strength, happiness, and a reason to get up each morning. For the last ten years, I had her by my side— she’d seen me at my worst and still loved me. She loved me.

  The cruel, never-ending monstrosity of an ocean took her away from me. I’d lost both of my loves that day, and I would never get to meet my sweet baby. We were going to be the perfect family, and it vanished in an instant. What did I do to deserve this kind of hell on Earth? It wasn’t fair, and I wasn’t sure where I belonged anymore. What was my purpose? Teaching children and tourists how to surf was what I knew, but going back out there now seemed foolish and unimaginable.

  A hand touched my shoulder, and I was pulled out of my own thoughts. Ryder moved in beside me, and his bloodshot eyes and flushed skin gave away his façade. Always trying to be the one to lean on, Ryder made sure his parents were being supported before heading back over to sit next to me again. I hadn’t left this spot since I got here, an hour before the memorial began.

  “How ya holdin’ up? I didn’t see any of your family around. You can’t go through this alone, brother,” Ryder inquired lightly, but I knew he was just as torn up as I was. Looking into his bloodshot eyes, I saw his pain, remorse, and regret. Being out there in the water when she went under would forever be etched in our brains, and it changed us.

  Ryder knew my parents made it look like we were the most normal family from the outside looking in, but in reality, I was disgusted with them. Both of my parents had been cheating on each other since I was a toddler. While Mom preferred the same routine with Dad’s best friend, Dad was a little friendlier and open with who he slept with. His taste ranged from barely legal twins to my friends’ mothers who needed a little adventure in their boring suburban lifestyle. He was discreet about his affairs in public, but it wasn’t uncommon for him to flash his latest conquest to Mom, and in turn, me. They said it was mutual, and that they still loved each other, but they just weren’t against sharing each other. Growing up watching the hatred and sadness in their eyes repulsed me, and I promised myself I’d never be like them.

  After I turned eighteen, I left for school and never turned back. Sad thing was…they never bothered to call or check up on me. Nine years later and there hasn’t been a single attempt at contact made by either party. Not that I was son of the year, but it helped me realize I didn’t need them and I could handle life on my own. This was mainly because I knew Cami would always be by my side— but now she was gone.

  Realizing my best friend was still waiting for my answer, I shook my head since words failed me. This was too much. I didn’t know how to go on without Cami next to me.

  “We should have saved her, Ryder. We were reckless, and now she’s gone. It’s all our fault.” Tears wept from my eyes, but I didn’t give a fuck. I wasn’t going to try to be strong when I was dying inside. Ryder still had no idea that Cami and I w
ere in a relationship. He had no idea she was carrying my child. Fuck, I was a shitty friend for not telling him, but I couldn’t do it right then. It would only add salt to the wound.

  “We searched everywhere for her, man. I know it isn’t fair, but we can’t blame ourselves. Cami wouldn’t have wanted that.” His hand squeezed my shoulder, and he threw his head back in frustration. “I want her back just as much as you, Tristen. She was one of the good ones, and she was taken far too soon. It still feels surreal that I’ll never hear her laugh or argue that I need to lighten up and have fun. She recognized that life was precious, and she lived life to the fullest. I’m thankful for that.”

  “You’re right. Go spend time with your parents and family. I need some time alone. Half these people haven’t seen Cami in years, and I’m not in the mood to be consoled by random strangers. Thank you for being there for me, though. I’ll catch ya later.” I still made no motion to move, but Ryder took my words to heart and knew I needed some space. Patting my back, he stood to leave. As soon as he turned to walk away he stopped mid-step and turned back to me. “I’m glad she had you in her life, Tristen. I never realized how close you were, but I’m grateful she had you. Don’t lose yourself in the twister of sadness. Live for her.” And with that, he was gone.

  For the next hour and a half, friends and family of Cami’s shared condolences and memories with each other before heading out. I still hadn’t moved, and to be honest, I couldn’t even tell you if people attempted to talk to me. My mind kept replaying us in the water and how we were so happy and carefree just moments before she was taken from me. We had even been able to steal a few languorous kisses while Ryder caught a wave and we had a moment alone.

  I didn’t feel her presence at the church. Sure, we’d been there together a few times, but it didn’t feel right. I wanted to be close to her, so I decided to go to the place I still felt her. The warm sand beneath my feet would calm me, but I couldn’t fathom going out in the rough waters again. I yearned to go back there, but I needed to feel the well-deserved pain. I wasn’t able to save her, and this was my punishment. The beach was both my best friend and enemy. I craved it, yet it terrified me.

  As I made my way to my truck, it hit me that I was alone in this. Keeping our relationship a secret was foolish, but I wasn’t sure at the time how Ryder would take the news that I was falling in love with his twin sister. We were all best friends, and I didn’t want to risk damaging that friendship or having Ryder not approve of our relationship. I should have just told him. Because now I wished everyone knew how much I loved her and how I planned to spend the rest of my life with her.

  “How did I ever become worthy of your love and affection?” I asked quietly as Cami laid next to me, sated and exhausted from our early morning love making.

  “You’ve always had my heart, Trist. Ever since I laid eyes on you back at that fraternity party freshman year. By the way, it was totally your emerald green eyes and killer smile that did me in. Luckily, Ryder had his eyes on you for being his best friend so I didn’t have to make some awkward scene to run into you.”

  “He had his eyes on me, huh? Good thing you’re the only one I’ve ever had eyes for, baby. Ready to hit the water? I have to teach my five- to seven-year-olds after lunch so that gives us three hours to ourselves.” I slid my hand down her tanned belly and grasped her sex in my hand. She screeched in delight as she swatted my hand away.

  “You’ve already had that this morning!” Giggling in fits of laughter, she continued, “If you want me to go surfing with you this morning, I need to be able to walk and get up on my board without a sore reminder of you fucking me.”

  I laughed at her attempt to dissuade me. While her hand batted mine away, her own hand started moving up and down my chest, hovering just over my already stiffening cock.

  “That hasn’t stopped you before. Remember last week, you begged me to take you while we were out in the water, letting the waves guide our bodies. It only took three different positions for us to find balance on the board, but fuck if it wasn’t hot. I’m completely up for that again if you want.”

  Cami slid out of bed, and I took in her gloriously naked backside. Her skin was naturally tanned from being out in the water so much and her chocolate brown hair fell in waves down her smooth back.

  “Come on, Tristen. Aria said the water had perfect conditions today. I know you’re staring at my ass right now, but you won’t get it until I’m soaking wet,” she called out as she sauntered into the bathroom.

  Damn her. She brought sex appeal to a whole new level. She knew I’d do anything for her, and she knew my weaknesses.

  “You know I didn’t get out in the water yesterday, and I’m itching to feel the sand beneath my feet.”

  Cami loved being on the beach, even though the sand got everywhere. It was like her second home, and she needed the sand and waves just as much as she needed oxygen to breathe.

  Once I got to the beach, I collapsed on the sand in the same spot we always claimed and let all my emotions go. For being in the middle of the day, there weren’t many people out today. The weather was supposed to worsen within the next few hours and the dark clouds were already starting to move in— which was fitting for how I felt. My life had turned into this dark storm that I wanted to swallow me whole. I knew I had to fight, but it felt like I was facing a fifty foot tsunami with nowhere to take shelter. My heart had been ripped out that day in the ocean, and there was a gray veil looming over my life.

  I didn’t know how long I stayed out there, but the next time I opened my eyes, the sun was gone and the wind had picked up. The waves were wicked and the sand was being swirled around from the gusts of wind. The area was deserted by then, and it felt good knowing that I was truly alone out here. I felt this weird sense of peace when I finally let go and thought about how Cami and our baby were both looking down on me now. I needed her strength to get me through this nightmare.

  My heart hurt, and I felt defeated. The ocean had won. And now I hated the damn ocean. Hearing the roar of the waves crashing used to soothe me, and now it revolted me. I was lost. Cami and the ocean had been my two loves and now both were torn away. I just wanted to feel her skin against mine again— to feel her comfort me, when I needed it the most.

  Consumed in the memories of my old life, I was startled when I heard movement on the sand behind me. I didn’t think much of it until I saw a woman around my age sit down next to me.

  “You feel her here, too?” the girl questioned while peering out into the worsening weather conditions. The water was choppy and turbulent. She was wearing a yellow tank top and white shorts. She held her flip flops in her hands and set them down in front of us.

  Who is this chick?

  I wanted to be alone. When I was alone, I was able to concentrate on the memories of the love of my life. Having someone out on the beach with me felt like betrayal and I needed an escape. There was an awkward silence that hung in the air. I thought about not answering her, waiting for her to get the hint and leave. After what felt like hours, I finally gave in and answered her just enough to not ask any more questions.

  “I wanted to be alone and pay my respects to my girlfriend.” I waited a moment before I spoke again to emphasize the point. “She loved it out here, and it didn’t feel right being locked in some random building when I know she’s out there.” Why am I telling her this anyways? I kept my focus on the waves so I didn’t have to look at her.

  “I’m Aria. Cami and I grew up together but lost touch over the past few years. Funerals and memorials terrify me. I pay my respects in my own way, and this is where we spent the most time.”

  Shit. I knew her name. She was a friend of Cami’s, but I didn’t recall ever meeting her. For the first time since she sat beside me, I got a good look at her.

  She had reddish-auburn hair that was wavy like Cami’s. Little freckles made her look younger than she probably was. Her toned build was similar to Cami’s, making it seem that maybe she surfe
d, too. She knew Cami. I was jealous of the time she had been able to spend with her— I wanted more time with her, I deserved more time.

  It was weird, but I enjoyed the fact that she knew Cami. It was like I had a little thread still connecting me to her, and I wanted to hold on with all my might. Did she know another side to Cami that only her girlfriends saw? I didn’t know the girl, but with this new information, I hoped that one day in the future I’d be able to utilize her knowledge and memories of the only woman I could ever love.

  “I had heard your name before. She always thought of you like a sister. I’m sorry you lost your friend.” I wasn’t sure what to say to her. It was all too soon, too raw. I was losing my patience, and I didn’t want to be a dick to one of Cami’s friends. She wasn’t making it easy, though.

  “She talked pretty highly of you, too. It was obvious— the love she had for you. I can’t imagine losing a loved one the way you did. I know my condolences don’t change anything, but I truly feel for you and your loss.”

  She obviously wasn’t going to leave on her own.

  I turned my head to face her so that I could tell her I needed to do this alone, and as soon as I did, I saw her own pain and conflict in her eyes. Shit, I am a dick. She was obviously hurting, too, and I needed to at least respect that. Even though I had Ryder to talk to, I wasn’t the kind of person to share my feelings and dealt with my problems and emotions internally. I needed to get away before I said something I’d regret, but I needed an out.

  “You knew we were together?”

  “Of course I did. She never openly came out and said it, but the way she got all mushy when she talked about you communicated it loud and clear. She loved you, Tristen, and I can tell that you love her, too.” Her finger slid through the sand, making abstract designs as she talked.

  “You’re more observant than I gave you credit for. It’s been a rough week, Aria. I think I’m going to head home and attempt to catch up on some much needed sleep.” I stood up, fully expecting her to protest or offer to be there for me when I needed it, but she didn’t.