Regretfully

by Leighton Riley

  “Yeah, just over three months ago.” I took a bite of my bacon cheddar burger and hoped it would give me a break from our chat.

  “You need ice cream. Specifically a deep fried Oreo and ice cream sundae. Don’t worry, though, I’ll share with ya.” Her change of subject wasn’t expected but happily taken.

  “This sounds like a chick’s dream restaurant. I feel so out of place, Payton.”

  “Shut up and eat. I’m taking you to a show later that will be part two of your escape.” She was so confident that I found myself nodding as I popped a French fry into my mouth, not bothering to question her.

  Payton took me to see the Jabbawockeez, and we walked around afterwards. How we ended up at Texas Hold Em’ was beyond me.

  “It’s easy. I’ll help you out.” She pulled out four hundred-dollar bills and handed them to the dealer. Handing me half of the chips, she explained how much to set in front of me and that I had to play the ‘trips’ bet if I wanted to make some real money.

  My first hand was a ten and two of hearts, which didn’t look very good to me. She peeked over and told me to check.

  “You don’t have to put money on the ‘play’ area until all the community cards are shown. If you’ve got an awesome hand to start with, you can bet the ‘play’ area earlier for more money, but also more risk.”

  Yeah, I had no fuckin’ clue what she was talking about. We played hand after hand, and Payton walked me through each one. During the first hand, I ended up with three- twos, or ‘trips’ as she called them, and I won a decent amount of chips.

  When we won, it was great, but our money would dwindle as we lost a few hands in a row. I started getting antsy that I was losing her money when she picked up on it and settled my nerves.

  “Don’t worry. You’re playing every hand just as I would. It’s even better since I can play two hands at once. Are you having fun at least?” She looked slightly concerned but was more focused on her ‘pocket kings’.

  “I think I’m slowly getting the hang of it. This has been a fun night, by the way. Thanks for taking your time away from your friends or family to help get my mind off her. I didn’t realize how much I needed someone to talk to about Cami.”

  Throughout the night, Payton had gotten me to divulge little bits of information about Cami. She was an expert at getting me to spill information.

  “This was a nice change of pace for me, too, Tristen. You’ve got a lot of love to give. Don’t forget that.” Payton watched as the dealer paid us our winnings. “Can you color us up, please?”

  She pushed her stack of chips toward the dealer and looked at mine, telling me to do the same.

  “Of course, ma’am.” The dealer quickly counted our chips and set out a pink chip before calling out to one of the pit bosses, “pink out”. After the pit boss nodded his head, Payton took the pink chip with “$500” written on it and watched as the dealer counted my stack. Placing three black chips with “$100” written on them, he deposited the smaller denomination chips that we accumulated and put them back in the tray.

  The dealer nodded farewell. “Good luck.”

  Payton stood, gesturing with the tilt of her head to follow. She was already heading for the cashier, and I followed suit.

  “Normally, this is where the guy would proposition me into coming up to his room, but I have a feeling that’s not what you had in mind.” She didn’t face me while she spoke, showing her confidence in reading the situation.

  “No, it wasn’t. I enjoyed tonight, though, more than you know. I should probably get back to my hotel anyway. It’s pretty late.”

  “That it is.” She stopped in the middle of the casino floor and looked at me with determined eyes. “Death changes people. For some, it destroys them, and they never recover from that loss. Others learn from it and realize the gift they have by still being here. Don’t let it destroy you. You’re too good for that. Give me your phone.” She holds out her hand, waiting.

  “Oh-kay? I told you though; I’m not ready for anything like that.” I still handed her my phone, curious of her intentions.

  “I’m not hitting on you, jackass. If you need someone to talk to, who won’t judge or make you feel bad, you can call me.”

  After cashing in our chips, we said our good-byes and headed our separate ways. Back at the hotel, I sprawled across the bed, reflecting on the past few hours.

  I had fun without feeling. That was progress, right? I absentmindedly moved my hand over my chest and winced when I felt the cool metal aggravate my still sensitive nipple. I’ll have to get used to that.

  I wanted to take a shower, but with my tattoo still fresh, I figured it’d be too much work to try to keep it dry. I ended up flipping through the channels, watching mindless TV until I drifted into deep, peaceful sleep.

  It’d been eighty-two days since I’d seen those vivid green eyes and shaggy blond hair. I shouldn’t know that down to the day, but I did. I was pathetic.

  Sutter and I were getting more serious, and I was happy for that, but I still couldn’t get Tristen off my mind. I met his parents last week, and they seemed to like me. The question was, I wasn’t sure where we were headed in our relationship.

  Work had been keeping me busy, seeing as all of our classes were filled to capacity. I’ve been working with the teachers to think of more creative and innovative ways to teach basic concepts. Classrooms in grade schools these days had so much more project-based learning instead of worksheets and textbooks¸ and I wanted our children to learn that style from an early age.

  I created a project for my four- and five-year-old classes that they started last week. They were pretending to be on an island and had to figure out what they would need for food and supplies. We’ve talked about needing shelter for sleeping, what type of weather they think it’ll be, and who should do what jobs. The answers they gave were ridiculous, but the fact that they were thinking out loud together and coming up with ideas to fix the problem was a good start for this age.

  Sutter was nagging me about our future, but I was not there yet with him. Sure, in a year, I might be. I thought I loved him, but I needed time. I’ve been avoiding talking to him about it and had ended up working more than normal since it was my only safe haven from him.

  “Everything is clean and set up for tomorrow, are you sure you don’t want me to hang around with you while you finish up?” Natalie, one of the best teachers here, asked as she put her purse over her shoulder.

  “I won’t be too much longer but go home! Spend time with your own little babies and I’ll see you tomorrow. Tell Dylan I said ‘hey’.” I took my eyes off the paperwork in front of me and looked into her concerned eyes.

  “You’re here before everyone in the morning and are the last to leave at night. You need to get away from here; you’re going to make yourself sick.”

  “Thank you for caring about me and my well-being. I promise, tomorrow I’m getting out of here early so Sutter can take me to some fancy dinner. Plus, I’m leaving after I finish up this report so I’ll be fifteen minutes— tops.”

  That seemed to pacify her. “Alright, hun. Well, I’ll see you in the morning.”

  I watched as she walked out the front doors and found myself lost in thought. I was bored. Not at work, just in general. It was this weird feeling, and I wasn’t sure how to fix it.

  Just as I was logging off my computer, I heard a knock on the door. Knowing it wasn’t Natalie since she would have just used her code, my body went on instant alert. Who would be knocking on a daycare door afterhours? Walking toward the glass door, my heart was beating out of my chest.

  Tristen.

  I hadn’t seen him in so long, but my memory of him didn’t do him justice. His broad shoulders, trim waist, and breathtaking eyes made me stop a few steps away from the door. He’d grown a light scruff that made him look rugged and dangerous.

  Besides that, he looked different. Freer maybe? He didn’t look as tormented and pained anymore. He also wasn’t running in
the other direction, so that was a good sign.

  Why is he here?

  He motioned for the handle, and I remembered he couldn’t get through the door without me letting him in. Opening up the ‘exit only’ door, I allowed myself to look into his gorgeous green eyes.

  “Thanks. Sorry for coming by unannounced. You gonna be here long?” He shuffled his feet from side to side and avoided eye contact with me.

  “Umm, I think I’m pretty much done for the day. Maybe five more minutes? Why?” I regretted how bitter that last word came out, but it wasn’t like we were friends who stopped by the other’s work unannounced just to see them.

  Oh. I realized I had already done that. Well, I at least got a new swimsuit out of it.

  Him showing up at my work? That didn’t benefit him at all.

  “Just thought we could take a walk…maybe down by the beach? I needed to get away and thought I’d see if you wanted to join me.” His eyes finally reached mine, and he looked like he was unsure of himself.

  “Sure, but I can’t for long. Sutter’s expecting me home but knows I usually stay for a while afterhours here. I’ve got maybe an hour?”

  “I’ll take it. Go finish up, I’ll just hang out here.” He started walking down the hallway at a leisurely pace, taking in the children’s artwork that was displayed along the wall.

  “Thanks. I’ll be right back.” I headed quickly to my office and shut everything down, grabbed my purse, and turned off the main switch to the lights. The light by the front door was the only one that stayed on.

  As I made my way to the front, I caught Tristen looking into the window of the ‘Wobblers’ classroom. He must have heard me walking up since he stepped away from the window and wiped a few tears that slipped down his cheek.

  “Everything okay?” I wasn’t sure why he was crying, but I also knew I couldn’t pry.

  “Yeah. Allergies suck ass.” He wiped his nose with his arm and sniffled quietly.

  “Uh, huh. Well, we better get out of here before you get any— worse.” I started walking toward the exit and heard his footsteps following behind.

  “Thanks. So, how have you been?” His attempt at small talk was cute.

  “Pretty good. I’ve been trying to get out of work early enough to still have a life. I’ve done pretty well the past month, and I can see the advantages. Going out to dinner, watching the sunset, hanging out with friends, and being able to get home before Sutter is asleep is always a plus. You?”

  “That’s such a hard question to answer. I feel like I’m falling apart but everyone thinks I’m doing really well for the situation I’m in. The people I would actually open up to don’t ask any questions about her, and those who I don’t care to share anything with, ask questions all the damn time. So, I end up talking to no one about her, and it sucks.”

  I couldn’t help but wonder which category I’d fit in— one he wanted to share with, or the one who needed to shut up and mind their own business.

  “And…I’m rambling. I’m sorry. You just know, uh, knew her, and you seem like you were a good friend.” He was leading the way to his car, and I realized I was about to be completely alone with him.

  That shouldn’t matter since I was with Sutter and Tristen was only in need of a friend, but I was excited.

  Once we were settled in his truck, my mind wandered through a million different questions and scenarios. I still had no idea why he would come see me randomly. He also knew I had a boyfriend but hadn’t said anything about it. What did he want to achieve by hanging out with me?

  “Do you go to the beach often? I mean, in the past few months?” I didn’t want to be blatant about it, but I wanted to know how he’d been holding up and what helped him through his darker moments.

  “Yeah. I mean, not in the water. I find myself heading toward the sand whenever I have a free moment. It’s weird, but I’m sometimes there more than two or three times a day.” Pulling into a parking spot, I watched as he took a few calming breaths and seemed to be more relaxed than when I saw him a few hours earlier.

  “What do you do while you’re down there?” I motioned toward the water with my head.

  “Talk about what’s going on in my life. It’s how I vent, I guess. I can watch the waves for hours and not get bored. Sometimes I’ll lay back and just listen to the crash of them at the shore. It’s my second home, even if I’m not out there doing what I love.”

  Tristen needed someone to talk to. He shouldn’t have to come down to the water to talk things through. He saw himself as being alone in this tragedy, and that was heartbreaking.

  “You know you can always come to me, if you want to talk. I love coming down to the beach, too, if you ever want company. It’s nice to take the time away from my busy life to think about what’s really important and to reflect.”

  He looked at me incredulously. “Really? You want to hear me talk about my dead girlfriend? Somehow, I don’t believe that.” He shook his head and added, “Why would you do that?”

  “Thinking about how horrible this must have been for you, I would want someone to talk to if I were you. Who wouldn’t judge you or make you feel uncomfortable. Keeping it bottled in or only talking to the wind, that doesn’t help you in the long run. We may not have been friends before Cami passed away, but that doesn’t mean we can’t be now.”

  He didn’t say anything for a while after that. I sat there quietly, watching people run on the beach and a middle-age man playing Frisbee with his chocolate Lab.

  “Come on.” Tristen stood and carelessly brushed off the sand that had stuck to his clothes and skin.

  I peered up at him, waiting for more of an explanation.

  “What? You don’t trust me? Come on, I want to show you something.” He took three steps toward the pier and waited for me to move.

  “Okay, but I really do need to get back home soon.” I headed over to Tristen’s side, and we started walking down the beach toward the tattered pier that hardly anyone visited anymore.

  “Sutter’s the boyfriend?”

  “Yeah. He’s good for me.” I didn’t know what else to say about him to Tristen. I almost felt as if the more I told Tristen about Sutter, then it would push us further apart, and I didn’t want that.

  “Sounds like you’re madly in love.” He chuckled as he said it but tried to cover it with a cough.

  “Whatever, we make a good team, and he makes me laugh. I don’t need much. Why do you ask?”

  “I don’t know, light conversation? I don’t exactly know very much about you. You’ve brought his name up before, so I thought it’d be safe territory.”

  “Makes sense.” Looking at him from the side, I couldn’t help but take in how beautiful he truly was. His sculpted jaw with the slightest stubble, shaggy blond hair, and ultra-trimmed waist. His shirt fit him perfectly, hugging his muscles in all the right places. He had this ‘I don’t give a fuck’ attitude that drew me to him.

  “Here we are.” Tristen motioned with his hands to the area below the pier. The wooden beams were worn from the weather and seaweed, shells, and other miscellaneous objects washed up from the sea were strewn along the sand.

  “Here, we are? What exactly is here? Except for a place that no one would notice if you left a dead body.” I kept looking around, trying to find the silver lining to this place, but besides the cleaner part of the beach ten feet away, I wasn’t coming up with anything.

  “This was our spot back when we first started dating. Ryder would never step foot over here, and no one else really did, either. This is where I normally end up when I just go for a walk along the beach. It’s almost, involuntary. I don’t plan to end up here, I just always do.” He walked over to a beam and traced something with his fingers.

  “Cami and I carved our initials on this beam. There was just enough room to— uh— add to it whenever we had children.” His eyes met mine, and I nodded so he knew he could continue. Opening up like that had to be good for him on some level.

 
“It’s like your own secret hideout. I was never sure why you wanted to keep your relationship a secret, but you two were the perfect couple. Always laughing and supporting one another. I only wish I could find that one day.” I found an area of the sand and plopped down. Tristen stayed standing, resting against one of the beams, facing me.

  “I think you will. Don’t think about it or try to find it. Let it happen organically. Believe me, I didn’t mean to fall in love with my best friend’s sister. How was I supposed to tell him I fall asleep every night with his twin sis in my arms? It was enough to make me keep it on the down low.”

  “Yeah, that may not have gone over too well. Does he know now?” Tristen didn’t mourn like a friend would, he mourned like he lost his other half.

  “Not yet, but I’m going to tell him soon. Whenever I see him again, I plan on it. He deserves to know everything, I think.”

  “You may not want to tell him everything. Keep some of those more intimate memories to yourself and cherish them, Tristen.”

  “You’re probably right on that. Thanks for coming out here tonight, Aria. It is kinda nice to have someone to talk to about what’s going on.” I couldn’t hold back the smile that lit up my face. It was a step in the right direction, and I hoped that he would open up a little more each time we hung out.

  I need to find a reason for him to take his shirt off. My imagination just wasn’t doing it for me.

  “I told you before; I’ll be here for you, Tristen. In whatever way you need.”

  The way his eyebrows lifted up, I knew I should have worded that differently.

  “I mean, whatever, friendly way.” I could feel the sudden flush on my face. Dammit!

  “Uh, huh. I’ll take special note of that. Let’s get you back to the boyfriend; wouldn’t want him thinking you’re sneaking off with some other guy.” His exuberant smile was contagious. I was happy his lighthearted banter was back, and it made me feel at ease.