Regretfully

by Leighton Riley

“Wouldn’t want that. Where’s your phone? I’ll add my number so that you don’t have to stop by my work whenever you want to hang out. I know I said you could come see me whenever, but it might make things easier if you were to call or text me instead.”

  Walking closely, we strolled back toward his car, and I could hear my stomach growl loudly as I finished adding my number into his phone.

  “Hungry? We can stop somewhere on the way back if you want.” He stopped in front of the passenger side door, effectively blocking me from entering. With his hands in his pockets he looked down timidly, waiting for my answer.

  “I’ll be okay. Rain check, though?” His suddenly sorrowed eyes perked up, giving away his excitement at the thought of hanging out again. He was sweet once you got him to talk.

  “Sure thing. Let’s get you home to the boyfriend.” He hesitated a moment before moving away from the passenger door. The air between us was suddenly on fire, and I noticed how close we were to each other. I watched as both of our chests rose up and down in synchrony, nearly touching each time.

  Does he feel this, too?

  I yearned to gaze up into his vivid green eyes but wasn’t sure if I was prepared for what I’d see.

  Reaching behind him, he pulled open the handle but took a step toward me as he got out of the way, brushing up against my breasts.

  Finally, looking up at him, he moved a step to the side but held the door open for me and winked.

  He mother fucking winked! What is that supposed to mean?!

  I ducked under his arm and slid into the seat in awkward silence. What was I supposed to say after that?

  The drive back to my work was quiet and gave me time to try to sort out all the commotion in my head.

  I could still feel this energy between us, but he knew I was off-limits since I was with Sutter. We were about to pull into my parking lot when he finally spoke up.

  “Aria.” I turned to look at him, taking in his sculpted features and mostly laidback posture. His left hand kept gripping the steering wheel over and over. “I don’t talk to people about her, but I want to with you. Are you okay with that? I know it’s probably weird for me to talk about another girl, but I figured since you had the boyfriend, it might be okay.”

  “You know ‘the boyfriend’ has a name, right? She was my friend, Tristen, of course you can talk to me about her. I miss her every day, and it’s nice to reminisce about our times with her.” He pulled up next to my car, which was the only car left in the parking lot.

  “Thanks for the ride back. I’ll see you around?”

  “Yeah, I think so. Have a good night, Aria.” With a friendly smile, I got out of the car and waved goodnight.

  I went home with a smile on my face. That boy was too hot for his own damn good.

  Cami would have been in her eighth month.

  The thought kept reeling over in my head as I waited for Aria to finish up at work. The idea of being able to openly talk to someone about her felt good. Aria was the perfect person for that, too. The problem was, she didn’t know how serious Cami and I were or about Cami being pregnant.

  She knew Cami and also knew enough to know Cami and I were much more than friends. She also had a boyfriend, so us hanging out together didn’t have to get awkward; it could stay strictly friendly.

  Well, maybe that was part of the problem. I wanted to be close to her, to get to know her better, but I knew it was a no-go. I wasn’t that guy.

  She said ‘the boyfriend’ was what she needed, but that she hoped to have the kind of love Cami and I had one day. If she didn’t have that with him by now, why would she stay?

  I almost, almost told her about the baby. I instantly felt like I was betraying Cami, though, and I still felt guilty for almost sharing our secret.

  Now that I’d realized my baby would have been born soon, I couldn’t think of anything else.

  “I can’t wait for your belly to start growing Cam.” I rested my head on her stomach and felt whole. This is my family. I don’t need anything else.

  “You mean you can’t wait for me to get fat? Thanks, babe, I’m glad to know you’ll love me at any size.” Cami was ever so softly running her hands through my hair.

  “You’ll be beautiful, no matter what changes you go through during the upcoming months. I have a question, though.” I turned my head to look into her gorgeous eyes.

  “Yeah, babe?” Her brows furrowed, and she looked worried.

  “Is it true about women becoming sex-craved while they’re pregnant? ‘Cuz I’m extremely up for the challenge.” Her belly starting bouncing with laughter.

  “You’re incorrigible, Tristen. But to answer your question, I might be just a little bit more than my normal horniness. Question is, what will I ever do to stay satisfied, love?” Her nails raked against the skin on my back.

  “Mmm, I think we can work something out.” I moved up toward her bare chest and started sucking on one of her nipples, while the other hand slid its way down toward her panties.

  “I’m going to take my time with you, baby. Draw out each orgasm. I want you to writhe underneath me, babe.” My lips made their way to her still flat belly. Knowing there was a little Cami or mini-me in there who we made out of our love for each other made my cock throb with need.

  “You always make me feel good, baby. Just having your hands on my body feels amazing.”

  I kneeled beside her legs and hooked my thumbs inside the silky material, sliding her panties off her legs. I laid down on my back next to her.

  “Come here.” Feeling her sit up, I watched as she climbed atop my hips. I just shook my head.

  “Not quite yet, love, come here.” I held my hands out for her to grasp, pulling her toward my face. Sitting on my chest, she looked at me with curious blue eyes.

  “Closer.”

  “You mean? There? Doing that?” Her curiosity was now laced with excitement and worry. This position was new to us.

  “I do. I’m starving, Cami.” I smiled slightly, and she knew I was serious. Climbing on top of my face, her feet laid on underneath my shoulders but she wasn’t low enough.

  “Just a little lower.” That was apparently the push she needed. She lowered herself so her sweet silk was right above my mouth, dripping with want.

  “Fuck, baby. You’re so wet. I’m going to enjoy this. Hold on.”

  I began slowly licking her folds and sucking gently on her clit, causing her to whimper and grasp the headboard.

  “Oh God, yes, Tristen.” Sweet thing, I wasn’t even started yet. Doesn’t she know this?

  Using my tongue, I started fucking her slick entrance. Using my thumb to whisper over her swollen clit, she started riding my face, harder and faster.

  “Oh yes, baby! I’m so close!” Just as she started coming apart above me, I lifted her up and placed her down back over my rock hard cock. Pushing my boxers out of the way, she positioned her core over my tip and slid all the way down in one fluid motion.

  “That’s it, Cami. Ride my cock just like you rode my face.” My hands found her hips and guided her quickening movements. I could tell she was fighting off an orgasm.

  Feeling her slick warmth surround me was making it harder and harder to hold back. I began rubbing her clit in a circular motion as I started pumping my hips upwards, meeting her downward motion. It was a damn struggle to hold off for her.

  “Yeah, baby, I’m about to— oh, fuck!” With her muscles contracting around me, I let go and came deep inside her.

  “Holy shit, Tristen. That was incredible. We need to do lots more of that before I get to be the size of a whale and before little one comes along.”

  “We’ll just have to get more creative as the months go by, baby. I’m not giving that up just because you’ve got our little one in there.” Cami lay on top of me with her head on my chest. I could stay like that forever.

  Would it have been a boy or girl? Cami had thought it was going to be a girl, and I remembered being ecstatic about having a miniature
version of Cami running around.

  Holding her tiny body in my arms. Rocking her to sleep. Listening to her coo when her mama sung to her.

  I wanted that so terribly bad, my chest hurt.

  We had talked about taking her to the beach when she was still little to get her feet wet. Cami wanted the ocean to be her second home, just like it was ours.

  The realization of how twistedly true that statement was gave me the chills. My baby girl belonged with the dolphins and her mama now.

  I cried.

  I cried until I passed out on my way-too-small-for-me couch. This was her couch.

  I woke up with aches throughout my whole body, the skin on my face tight from the salt of my tears. When will this pain start to lessen?

  As I made my way through my morning routine, I felt like I was on auto-pilot. I had days that were better than others, but this was definitely one of the worse ones. Carter caught on pretty quickly to my mood and left me to my own accord.

  As my shift was nearing the end, I pulled out my phone and texted a quick message to Aria.

  Me: Glorias? 7pm?

  Not even five minutes later, I had a response.

  Aria: I might be on my second margarita by 7. I NEED to get out of here.

  Me: I’ll meet you there after I get off work. It’s one of those nights for me, too.

  Aria: <3 sorry Tristen. I’ll be there soon.

  When I got to Gloria’s, the vibe was fun and relaxed with margaritas and beers crowding nearly every table. It was for sure the right place to let go of the day’s troubles. I spotted Aria in a booth near the front with a fishbowl frozen margarita in front of her. The thing was huge and I wondered how much she’d be able to handle and also, how shitty her day had been as well.

  Sitting across from Aria, I immediately noticed the shine that was normally in her eyes was nowhere to be seen. No smile, no greeting, no acknowledgement.

  What happened?

  “Hey there, Aria. Been here a while?” I tried to gage her attitude, but it was like she didn’t even hear me. I waved my hand in front of her, close to the table, and it finally caught her attention.

  “Sorry! I’ve been kinda spacey today. Did you say something?” I couldn’t help but give her a questioning look.

  “Have you been here long?” I wasn’t sure how to go about asking if she was okay.

  “Uhh, maybe ten, fifteen minutes? Not long, I don’t think. I’m glad you’re here now, though. What’s up?” She put a smile on her face, but it didn’t match the sadness in her eyes.

  “You know, some days are harder than others. Today is one of those days. Cami and I were going through something before she passed away, and I can’t get it out of my head. Then I look around, and everyone is going about their day like normal, and I feel like I’m going fuckin’ crazy.” Running my right hand through my hair, I took a chance to glance up at her expression. I didn’t like sharing my feelings with people, much less anything having to do with Cami.

  “I understand the feeling like no one around understands the pain you feel inside. Even if it didn’t just recently happen, certain days, items, and places can trigger the memories. It sucks and it hurts. You feel like you can’t be with your friends and your loved ones because they won’t understand, so you end up swallowing it all.” She laid her hand in her crisscrossed arms on the table. Her shaking shoulders told me all I needed to know. Something had happened to her, obviously in the past.

  “I’m sorry, Aria. I don’t know what happened, but I know how much it fucking blows to leave it all inside. The few times you’ve gotten me to open up, I’ve felt ten times better after I let it out. It was scary, but necessary. I’ll be there for you, too.” I put my hand softly on her arm, letting her know I was there for her.

  Looking up sheepishly, she let out a genuine laugh and tiny smirk. Just then, our waiter came by to take our order, and along with that I also ordered myself a beer. After we were alone again, Aria continued.

  “I’m sorry, Tristen. You came here because you needed someone to talk to, and I just went all crazy on you.”

  “You didn’t go all crazy; I just didn’t realize you’ve had a rough patch, too.”

  “Don’t worry about me, what was it that made today different?” She deflected well, but I wasn’t going to push her. She would tell me if she wanted to.

  “Just milestones that Cami and I would have had.” I didn’t want to go into more detail with her yet. I trusted her, but I couldn’t tell her about the baby.

  After my tacos and her chicken fajitas arrived, we ate with short conversation between bites.

  “I guess you might be having these triggers every so often then, huh?” She carefully put guacamole, chicken, onions, and cheese on her flour tortilla. I noticed on every one she did, she made sure they were the exact same; two pieces of meat, a line of guac on the left side, four onions on the right, and cheese sprinkled on top. She also dipped her fajita into her salsa, and I wondered why she didn’t just put it in with everything else. She probably had good reason in that cute little head of hers.

  Control freak.

  Just as I was eating my last bite, Aria filled me in on the fact that Sutter and a bunch of their friends were going to head up to see Christmas at Disneyland the following weekend and invited me along.

  Disney? With Aria and the boyfriend? That would be interesting.

  “You’re inviting me on your date?” I took a long draw of my beer and wiped the liquid off my lip with my thumb.

  “It’s not a date date. It’s everyone getting together and having fun. Christmas is my favorite time of the year, and I want to see all the decorations! Please say you’ll join us?”

  “Why do you want me there? Wouldn’t that be just a tad awkward?” I couldn’t help but question her reasoning.

  “Because I think you’re really a little kid inside and everything life has given you has made you shut out the real world. And you’re my friend. My friends are going, and I want you to be with us, with me.”

  “Alright, I guess I could go. I haven’t been since I was a little kid anyways. Maybe it will be a little fun to get away from here and see all the happiness the holidays are supposed to bring.” I settled back in the booth, full from our dinner, and wondered how our non-conventional relationship came to be. From that look in her eyes, I knew she was eye-fucking me at that moment.

  Dirty, dirty girl.

  “What?” She giggled as she slurped the contents of her nearly empty margarita.

  I couldn’t help but smile in return. “Nothing, just observing.”

  Her lips formed a pout, and she looked as if I had hurt her feelings.

  “It wasn’t a bad thing, Aria. Relax.”

  I was comfortable with Aria for some reason. I never let my guard down as much as I had with her, and the more I hung out with her, the more I let her in. That was what scared me the most.

  Tristen had his triggers. I had my own. The simplest of things could set you off. The sad thing was no one around you ever clued in on why you had the sudden freak-out.

  That was what happened today, only I knew it was going to happen before I even woke up. It happened every year on the same day. The same two weeks would be filled with them sporadically. No one knew. No one remembered. No one but me.

  The day had beyond sucked ass. Everyone, and I truly mean everyone, had gotten on my nerves today. I reprimanded the shit out of a twenty-month-old little boy for coloring on the floor with a crayon. He didn’t know any better, and by the time I was finished, he was scared of me.

  Natalie was probably not going to talk to me for a few days. She was trying to explain her new idea for incorporating science into the classroom, and I pretty much called her a dumb bitch, with a few more words added in.

  I should have been locked in my room so that I could be alone, where I wanted to be. Last year I took off work and ate nothing but shit food all day. I had a chocolate milkshake for breakfast, pizza for lunch, Swedish fish and peanut
butter M&Ms as a snack, and a cookie cake that I had picked out the day before just because cookie cakes were so damn delicious. Oh, and a chocolate milkshake right before I passed out for the night. Movies, reading dirty books, stuffing my face, and wallowing in sadness was the extent of my day.

  That’s what I should have done instead of trying to tough it out and go to work. Such a dumbass.

  Ending the work day by receiving an SOS from Tristen did make me smile. I loved that he felt he could come to me. Truth be told, I wanted to be able to go to him as well.

  He needed to be not so gorgeous. The fact that he didn’t realize what he did to the women he was around was even more of a turn on. He wasn’t cocky or arrogant, he was genuine and sweet.

  I couldn’t quite figure out all of Tristen. I would catch him looking at me with a small, itty bitty smile, and I hadn’t the slightest clue as to why.

  Tristen had gotten my mind off the past, and I actually laughed and enjoyed myself for a couple hours. But as soon as I got in my car, everything came flooding back.

  I broke down in my car and cried. Cried for myself. I cried for her.

  I didn’t remember the drive home or how I got in bed. I woke up with Sutter’s arm around my waist and him whispering that everything would be okay.

  On my way over to Sutter and Aria’s place, I tried thinking of all the different scenarios that could get me out of going. Theory of a Deadman’s All or Nothing was roaring through the speakers of my truck, and I was lost in the song. Hearing the lyrics talk about being backed against the ocean and it was us against the world; I couldn’t not think about her. I found her in everything I saw and everything I heard. I had grown used to it, but this song made me feel close to her for some reason.

  With the windows cracked and the brisk air coming through, I thought about the progress that I had made since her memorial. I was at least able to be functional at work now and had begun hanging out with people again. Today was definitely a test to see how I’d do in big crowds with people I’d never met before. I doubted Sutter would be my favorite guy, but I already had the urge to back out and play sick for the day.