Regretfully

by Leighton Riley

  If only I’d listened to my gut. Dammit.

  Disneyland. Sensory overload.

  Holy hell, there were way too many happy people and bright colors there. The ride up there was fun, but I kept to myself. Sutter had brought along two of his friends and Aria brought one of her coworkers from the daycare…Natalie, I think was her name?

  Sutter was a planner and had already informed us of the schedule for the day. He had planned for us to visit the most popular rides first since the lines got worse later in the day and had even planned for us to go to dinner later that night. Where, you ask? No fucking clue. I tuned him out after he let us know we had to get to Space Mountain and Indiana Jones first, before we could do anything else.

  Once we were inside, Main Street was decorated throughout the entire walkway, leading up to a gigantic Christmas tree. Homemade candy canes were being sold, there was snow on top of Sleeping Beauty’s castle, and the overall feel was whimsical.

  “Whatdya think?” Aria asked, nudging my shoulder as we walked behind Sutter, who was in the lead.

  “It’s, uhh, it’s magical? Is that the answer I’m supposed to give?” I was still taking it all in. It was decorated very well, but I was out of my league here.

  “There is no right answer, Tristen. I want to know what you feel, being here. Most people feel giddy or carefree, maybe have an adrenaline rush. What do you feel?” We were slowly falling behind, and I didn’t want to step on Sutter’s toes by being too close with his girl. Picking up my pace, I told her, “I guess I feel anxious? Not gonna lie, Aria, it’s weird being here with your boyfriend and his friends. I just don’t know what to expect from today.” I stole a glance her way, and she was biting her lip, but silent.

  “Tristen?”

  “Yeah, Aria?”

  “Why does it bother you that Sutter is here, honestly?” She kept her focus straight ahead, and I contemplated my answer.

  Why does it bother me? It shouldn’t, because we were strictly friends and friends hung out together, with other people around, too. Shit, I have no right to feel this way.

  “Hey, babe! Come up here. Natalie can keep your friend company.” Sutter stopped walking, effectively halting everyone, so that Aria could make her way up to her boyfriend, giving only a slight smile as she looked back.

  “You sure are a hunk, boy. If I weren’t married, I’d be all over that. Aria talks pretty highly of you, says you’re a sweetheart underneath all that sadness.” Natalie cozied up to me, and I realized immediately she was going to be my lifeline while in the park. If Sutter kept Aria on the same short leash, I would need a new friend to get me through this day.

  Natalie was a lot to take in. During the car ride over, I heard her uncensored stories about what her and her husband had been trying in the bedroom and gave the other guys pointers on how to please their ladies. It was fucking hilarious, to be honest. Just not what I was accustomed to.

  “Natalie! Down girl, no harassing him!” Aria yelled from the front.

  What was Natalie’s response? Grabbed my ass and gave a wink. Aria had no idea, which was probably how Natalie preferred it.

  I could hear Sutter’s friends rambling about how good Aria was for Sutter and how he had changed since he met her. It was hard to be negative when she was near, so it made sense.

  After waiting twenty minutes, we were finally next to get on Space Mountain. Sutter and Aria were up front, followed by Natalie and me, and his friends taking the back row.

  Mid-ride, I felt something. On my thigh.

  In complete darkness, through the swift turns, Natalie’s hand was unsteadily making its way up my leg, fumbling as the ride caused us to toss and turn.

  Did Aria know this was how her friend was going to be? Did she bring me here for Natalie?

  I didn’t have any desire to have a married woman flirt with me— at fucking Disney of all places! I knew Aria would be spending time with the boyfriend, but I didn’t think I’d be ignored by them and tossed aside.

  As we pulled back into the station, I watched as Sutter kissed Aria for a few long moments before getting out of the car. She seemed hesitant as first, but I could tell she warmed up to it within a few seconds. Her body melted into his and the slight moan that came from her mouth made me tense.

  I shouldn’t care. I don’t care. I want to go home and be done with this day.

  Bowing her head, she didn’t look at me as we walked to the Indiana Jones ride.

  Walking through the various decorated rooms in order to get to the actual ride, Sutter spoke up about our plan.

  Apparently, we always needed a plan.

  “Since it’s rows of four, why don’t we four go together and the boys can hang in back?” Sutter suggested as we finally found the small line waiting to get on.

  “It’s not even that busy Sutter, let’s go three and three. I invited Natalie and Tristen. I’m going with them. You go with your boys.” Aria spoke up with a confident attitude and slid to the back, closer to Natalie and me.

  Sutter gave Aria a stern look and turned away. He obviously wasn’t happy with the twist in his plan. I wasn’t planning on messing up a relationship, so I wasn’t sure why Aria decided to make that move. I’d honestly rather get these rides over with sooner so that I could get away from it all.

  With Sutter and his friends in front and Natalie looking at Facebook on her phone, Aria finally spoke to me. It was weird, but I felt a sense of relief that she was back with me.

  “Sorry. I feel like I have to spend time with both of you, and it’s awkward. Sutter means well, I think he’s just a little intimidated. How ya holding up?” Her arm came up and caressed my back lightly before dropping it back down to her side.

  “I’m fine. I feel like he doesn’t want me here. Natalie, on the other hand, wouldn’t have it any other way.” The next part I made sure to whisper so no one would overhear. “I’m pretty sure she was trying to give me a handy back on Space Mountain, Aria. Thank God for quick turns and dips or she would have succeeded.”

  I adjusted my jeans, with the thought of it being Aria’s hand being the one feeling me on that ride.

  “I’m sorry. She means nothing by it, she just likes to flirt and test the boundaries. She’s been happily married to Dylan for over nine years and has a seven-year-old with him.” She lifted up on her tippy toes and leaned in to ask, “Is that a turn on for you? Knowing you could get caught?”

  Her voice was sultry, and I gulped as I realized how turned on I was getting just by her asking me that, with her boyfriend three feet in front of us.

  Looking into her hazel eyes, I could see the mischief and arousal in them. What was this between us? There was an obvious sexual connection, but we were just friends. She was with Sutter!

  Seeing her smile turn upside down, I forgot I hadn’t answered her. I hadn’t a fucking clue what to do with that. When she bowed her head, she looked directly at the bulge in my jeans and perked up; getting the answer I couldn’t vocalize.

  As we stood in our designated row to get onto the actual ride, I noticed Sutter and Natalie talking to each other discreetly in the back of each of our rows. Seeing Natalie nod and look my direction, I had this weird feeling that they were up to something. I got on the ride first in my row, Aria following behind, Natalie behind her. As I took my seat I heard Natalie’s voice, but it wasn’t beside me, it was in front.

  She and Sutter had switched seats last minute and now she was up with Sutter’s friends.

  “I couldn’t resist, baby. Plus, what happens if you get scared?” Sutter sat beside Aria with an insincere smile across his face.

  “I won’t get scared, Sutter. Was Natalie okay with switching?” Aria asked as we got secured and checked.

  “I think she’ll be just fine.” I spoke up, noticing Natalie was already laughing at something one of the guys said. “She adapts to the situation and embraces it. It’s obvious your boyfriend can’t resist being close to you. Relax and stop worrying.”

  While
Aria stared fiercely at me, Sutter gave a silent thank you and it just made me want to throw my niceties out the window.

  I didn’t say that for you, fucker.

  Aria remained quiet and closed off during the ride and for much of our time in the park. Sutter seemed to be more relaxed now that he knew I wasn’t after his girl. Natalie had moved on to flirting with one of his friends. That left me following behind, people watching as I went along with Sutter’s schedule of events.

  By the time we got to the Haunted Mansion, I had gotten comfortable without making small talk and wondered who they’d put me with on this ride. I’d been stuck with Natalie a few times and Jason, one of Sutter’s friends, on the other ones.

  The mansion had been transformed into a Nightmare Before Christmas theme, and I was impressed with the decorations.

  This, I can get into.

  Making our way through the various haunted rooms before we made it to the ride; we were told the tale of Jack Skeleton and when two holidays collide. I didn’t even try to see who I’d sit with. I didn’t care at this point. It was our last ride for the day, and I could see the end in sight. The narration was dark with a holiday twist, and to be honest, I thought it was better than the original theme.

  Natalie got on with Jason. I got onto the next covered bench seat and played Russian roulette with who would follow in. The seats were black with the back coming up and over, making it feel like we were alone in the ride. Being pitch black, it’d be perfect for couples since there were no barriers between you.

  “Forgive me?” Her sweet, sensual voice filled my ears, and I smiled before turning to see those beautiful eyes.

  “Yeah. It’s hard to stay mad at you. I’d be lying if I said it isn’t good to see you next to me. I felt like I’d been banished away from you. Sutter’s been on top of keeping us separated.” The ride slowly began and I was excited for the few minutes not to be watched by the others. I slouched back and rested my arm behind Aria’s back without thinking.

  Her eyes met mine, and she slid a tad closer. I didn’t mean for my gesture to be an invitation. I wasn’t going to deny it, though.

  Positioning herself so that I could feel her breath against my neck, she whispered, “I think I should make it up to you.”

  Holy, what?

  Her tongue flicked against my earlobe and her lips wrapped around it, suckling on it gently.

  Fuck. Shit, she is not supposed to be doing that right now.

  “Aria.” I meant for more to come out, but I wasn’t sure what to say. Good guy or bad? We were what each other needed, as friends. I wasn’t looking for a hook up, and she was taken, by a guy just a few feet away.

  “Yeah, Tristen?” The liquid fire in her eyes was unmistakable. I saw lust. I didn’t see anything else, though, which was a good thing. She wasn’t allowed to have real feelings for me.

  “This— ” I was about to tell her how wrong the situation was but then she was grabbing my hand closest to her. “Is, uhh— dammit, you have to stop, Aria.” She placed my hand on top of her crotch, holding it in place to allow me to feel how hot she was for me.

  “Don’t deny the chemistry, Tristen. I see it in your eyes. Your huge bulge in your pants tells the truth, honey. And those piercings? Don’t think I can’t see them through your shirt.”

  “Fuck chemistry, Aria. You know full and well you’ll regret this later on. I mean, hell, Cami died six months ago! You know I’m not up for this shit. You were her friend. Treat her like one, and respect your damn boyfriend.”

  Aria swiped her hand away and held it as if she’d been burned. Scooting the furthest she could away from me, she turned away and I instantly felt like crap.

  “Look, I’m sorry, Aria. You know nothing can happen between us. You have a good thing with Sutter, and I don’t know if or when I’ll ever be ready to be intimate with someone again. I need you with me. You’re the only person I’ve opened up to, and I feel like I’ve actually made progress. Don’t take that away from me.” It was true. I needed her, but I think she needed me, too. I just wasn’t about to say it at that moment.

  I waited quietly for her response, faintly hearing the ride’s narration of the twisted Christmas story. Her lip was quivering.

  I didn’t want to hurt her.

  “Aria, I do feel the chemistry. I do. That doesn’t mean we have to act on it, though. I should have been more upfront about it, and I am truly sorry for that. But feeling…something, again? It reminded me that I had to live my life, for Cami. I had felt so numb throughout these last few months, that feeling wanted by you, was nice. I cherished it. But I shouldn’t have let it be more than that.”

  “I get it. I do,” she muttered, wiping her cheeks. “I love Cami, I do. I just thought— I just thought you wanted more. I think I love Sutter, too, but hell Tristen, you make me crazy. My self-control and overall intelligence goes out the window when you’re near me. I knew it was wrong. I know you aren’t ready for anything…casual or serious.” The ride was almost over, it seemed. Aria busied in making herself look presentable for the rest of the group.

  “I do want to be there for you, Tristen. I know how hard it is to find someone to confide in. I hope you still trust me enough to want that. I’m sorry for my behavior.” She smiled at me, and I could tell it was genuine.

  “I want nothing more. Thank you, Aria. Now, can we go home? This place has too much happiness for me to take in.” I finally got a laugh out of her, and we were back to normal.

  The ride home was quiet, and I had an itch to get down to the beach. It was where I needed to be.

  Baby Ellie was due January 6th. That was the name Cami had mentioned one day while talking to her stomach, and I had thought of the baby as Ellie ever since. The days since New Years have drifted by eerily slow, and I have never felt this much pain before. That day in the water— my heart crushed into a million tiny pieces. Now? I felt like someone was stomping on those fragments and turning them to dust.

  I would have been a father now. I would have been holding a petite bundle of joy created by mine and Cami’s love.

  The tattoo on my shoulder felt like it was burning. Remembering those words, “Sometimes in the waves of change, we find our true direction,” I had the intense urge to scratch off the quote, that it was wrong.

  Cami was meant to be with me. To be with our child and me. It wasn’t fucking fair!

  I sat on the floor of my kitchen. I didn’t quite remember when or how I got there, but from the numb feeling of my ass, I knew it had been a while.

  What would she have looked like? Would it have been a girl like Cami wanted? Would she have been healthy?

  Questions and ‘what ifs’ flooded my mind, and it felt like an elephant was taking a nap on my chest.

  I texted Carter that morning letting him know I wasn’t coming in. He knew that if I was telling him, then there was good reason. I worked my ass off at the shop and deserved a few sick days. I laid awake the whole night, envisioning what Cami and I would have been doing at this very moment.

  Would she have delivered early? She was always so calm when it came to stressful situations; I could see her taking her time getting ready to go to the hospital. Reassuring me that everything would be fine. Making sure that I was okay when she was the one about to give birth to our child.

  Being there for her in the hospital room, encouraging her to lean on me for support. I imagined her crying as she heard our baby’s first cry. Holding hands as we waited for our little girl to be cleaned up and measured. She would have been the best mom ever.

  Ryder would have been my brother-in-law eventually. We were already like brothers anyway so it would have just been on paper. I wondered briefly how he was holding up. He didn’t know about the baby, but he had to miss his sister. I knew I needed to talk to him, but just couldn’t bring myself to reach out. He had distanced himself, and I understood that was his way of coping.

  Keeping our secret was eating me alive.

  Aria was the person
I was closest to nowadays, and I had no plan to tell her. We had fallen into a nice routine and lines hadn’t been crossed again. I just had to figure out my explanation as to why I was such a recluse more so than before. She had texted me, asking me to meet her to look for a present to give Sutter for his birthday, saying I knew what guys liked. I responded with a quick, ‘can’t’ and she knew something was up.

  I backed away from friends and reality when I was struggling with something, and she had caught on to my tendencies. I wouldn’t be surprised to see her knock on my door shortly, just to make sure I was doing okay.

  Do I want her to come? Part of me knew the answer but just wanted to keep denying it.

  She comforted me. Just knowing she would be here at a moment’s notice did something to me that I didn’t understand. I craved it, but it wasn’t always a sexual urge. I genuinely felt the need for her support and friendship.

  Ryder would laugh at me if he saw me right now. Wanting to be around a girl and not fuck her? That wasn’t his style. He knew I was more introverted, in general, but that didn’t stop his prying need to encourage me to let loose.

  Four hours later, I realized Aria wasn’t coming.

  The next day she texted me letting me know she was dealing with some stuff and needed to deal with it alone.

  I’ll be back before you go to bed. Promise. I just need to be there for her right now.” Cami murmured against my back.

  I had just hopped out of the shower, clad in only a towel around my hips, and she wrapped her arms around my waist as she let me know her plans for the night.

  “I had some serious plans with you tonight, Cam. Wine included.” I half smirked but at the sorrowful look on her face, I knew she needed to go. Where, I wasn’t sure. “We can always do it another night. Who did you say you were going to see?”

  I turned to face her, but she grabbed the end of the towel that had been tucked in right below my left hip bone and tugged swiftly.