Regretfully

by Leighton Riley

  “I’m. Not! We’re friends. We’ve never been together, we’re just close, okay!?” I cried out.

  “You say his name in your dreams.” He looked straight into my eyes, and I saw the sadness and defeat. “You don’t say my name anymore, only his.”

  “I’m sorry, Sutter. I’ve been so mixed up lately, but I do care for you.” I walked up and took hold of his hand.

  “Do you love me?” He asked the most important question. One that I hesitated answering— because I didn’t know my answer. Looking into his melancholy expression, I began to tear up and shook my head the slightest bit.

  “I don’t know. I’m so sorry, Sutter. I know my answer should be easy, but it isn’t.” Tears escaped my face and fell to the floor. I wanted to curl up and take back everything I’d done to hurt him, but I knew it was over. He wouldn’t take me back after my confession.

  “I’ll be out of here by the weekend,” he told me as he walked out the door.

  In one way, I finally felt free. In another, though, I felt like I had toyed with both of them, not wanting to have to choose. Funny thing was that there wasn’t even a choice since Tristen wasn’t mine, but my heart didn’t care. My relationship with Sutter was doomed the day I met Tristen. I might not be with Tristen, but it was loud and clear how wrong it was for me to stay with Sutter. The house became so lonely and quiet.

  I was alone.

  I’d lost track of how long it’d been since I spoke to Aria. It’d be two months since that day at the vineyard that had changed our relationship. She was trying to be funny, I realized, but she should have realized the position I was in.

  I wasn’t looking for a fuck. Yes, I missed being intimate with a woman, but it hadn’t been on my radar since Cami’s accident. Although Mica was a perfectly nice distraction, I was fine being alone. I thought Aria knew that. Our relationship had been strictly platonic since our chat at Disneyland, and we had been in a good place.

  So we weren’t talking. Or rather, I ignored her calls and attempts to come over to talk enough times that she finally gave up. Toward the end, her texts became more irate, telling me how I was wasting my life away and was walking away from a good thing.

  Not having Aria around gave me time to clear my head and truly figure out my next step. Honestly, her absence made me appreciate her insistence to get back out there and live my life. It felt like a betrayal, but I was slowly coming around to the fact that I still had a life to live and Cami would want that.

  Ryder, his friend, Kylie, and I had dinner the night before and I agreed to go out with one of Kylie’s friends, partially to show Ryder I was doing okay, and partially to see if I was indeed ready to move on. I kept my expectations low, and it wasn’t like I had to rearrange my social schedule, since I had already planned on going to the festival down at the beach.

  From the description Kylie gave, she seemed my type, except for the blond hair. In the past, every girl I’d dated with blond hair had been a total bitch. But the fact that she was a second grade teacher and also a surfer made me curious.

  Once I got to the festival, I pulled out my phone and dialed the number Kylie had given me. I had texted McKenna earlier in the day to confirm when and where to meet, but there were a ton of blond chicks surrounding me, and I wasn’t up for a scavenger hunt.

  “Hello?” Her voice was an octave above a normal woman, and I could see it getting annoying, quickly.

  “Uh, hey. It’s Tristen. Are you already here?”

  “Pulling up now. I’m in white cut-off shorts and wearing an orange tank top and flip flops. Walking toward the food trucks now.”

  She was a knock-out, for sure. Shit, if she were my teacher (during high school), I’d probably be one of those students who ended up on the news for fucking their teacher. Good thing she taught younger kids who had no clue how lucky they were. I wish I had hotter teachers back when I was in high school. Young and dumb. I missed it.

  “Hey there! Tristen, right?” She bounced the last few steps to get to me.

  “Yeah, hey, McKenna?”

  “McKenna, but my friends call me Kenna. I was able to come here last year and loved it so I’m super excited that this was where you wanted to go tonight! Is there anything particular that you wanted to see?” She was rather…hyped up?

  “My buddy has a booth somewhere around here with surfing gear. Told him I’d stop by while I was here. That’s pretty much it, though.” I looked around at all the booths surrounding us along with food trucks and the stage further down at the end. There wasn’t much that caught my eye. If it were just me here, I’d head to the stage and listen to the bands play for a while, then say hey to my buddy and leave.

  “That works. I have to remember to pick up some cotton candy to take home, though, so remind me! I’m game for walking around and checking it all out if you want.”

  I was already dreading agreeing to the date. She was way too chipper for my taste. At least we were in public and around some decent music. The alternative rock sound from the stage could be heard throughout the entire festival and became my focus as we started walking to one of the booths.

  “Sounds good to me. So, you’re a teacher?” I asked, hoping she hadn’t realized I had zoned out for a moment.

  “Huh? Oh, yeah. I teach at the school Bailey will go to next year.”

  Did she expect me to know who Bailey was? “Bailey?”

  “My four-year-old daughter. She’s a sweetie. Her dad, though, total asshole. He’s not in the picture anymore, don’t worry.” She stopped at a booth selling handmade jewelry and held up a few sets of earrings as I followed along.

  “Good to know. How do you know Kylie? She seems pretty down-to-earth.” I wasn’t sure where to go with our conversation. The only thing we had in common that I knew of was surfing, and I wasn’t going to bring it up. It was in my past and telling her about it would be letting her in. Letting her in, well, it wasn’t on my agenda.

  “She stole my ex-boyfriend. Yeah, he was one of those guys who were perfect— until they turned the corner and found someone new. He also didn’t bother telling his then girlfriend about his new interest. I saw her on his lap in the driver’s seat outside his house. I was walking up to the front door when I caught sight of her arched back and flowing blond hair. When I knocked on the glass, she thought I was the “other” woman and tried to start a fight. We ended up going to dinner together that night, gossiping about his creepy behavior, and we’ve been friends ever since.” During her explanation, she had moved past three booths that she didn’t care for and had settled on one showcasing beach cover-ups.

  “He sure sounds like a winner. So, Bailey? Tell me more.” It was going well. I kept telling myself to just keep her talking so that the focus would stay off of me.

  “She’s a momma’s girl. Loves anything princess but has been nagging me every day that she wants to learn to surf. It scares me with her being so young, and I am torn between being the fun mom and the strict, bubble-child mom. Do you surf, Tristen?”

  Shit. How did my question take her there?

  “No, uhh, no I don’t.” I almost told her that I used to, just don’t anymore.

  “I thought they had mentioned that you did? Hmm, must have heard them wrong.” She shrugged and walked up a few more steps, looking around for her next target.

  “So, Bailey. She is my world. She desperately wants to be a big sister. I tell her it’s not that easy, but then she starts asking about how she doesn’t have a normal family. She never met her father so it’s not that she misses him; she just doesn’t quite understand why she doesn’t have one in her life.”

  She looked up at me with kind eyes. What was my response to that?

  “We don’t always get normal. Sometimes life throws us a curveball, and we just have to deal.”

  Maybe that wasn’t the comeback she was looking for. Her face contorted in anger, but she quickly wiped it away and brought back her plastic smile.

  “Should that be what I tell my fo
ur-year old next time? Life happens, so deal with it? She needs a father in her life, and it’d be amazing for her to have a sibling. Am I wrong to want that? For me and for my baby?” She was getting defensive and loud. People were starting to stare.

  “That’s not what I meant. It’s just; life isn’t always a fairy tale. Who’s to say what ‘normal’ really is. You could explain to her that there’s lot of different versions of families and one isn’t better than the other, rather just different.” I gave a slight smile and laid my hand on her lower back, guiding her closer to the stage.

  “You’re right. I’m sorry. I just get so protective when it comes to Bailey.” She wiped her eyes and wrapped her slender arm around my back, pulling me an inch closer to her.

  “I get it. I would be, too.” Just imagining my little girl growing up— I’d probably turn into some crazy parent like McKenna. I couldn’t blame her when I thought about it that way.

  “Oh, how I miss being pregnant.” She sighed, still holding on to me.

  Huh? Where did that come from? Looking around, I caught her watching a very pregnant woman walk her son toward the funnel cake truck. She held his hand with her left, and held her back, as if it were difficult to walk, with her right.

  “So, it’s true that women actually enjoy that? Not being able to sleep on your stomach, having to pee all the time, not having any clothes that fit?” I found us a spot on the beach, where we could hear the music but still be able to talk, and had a seat.

  McKenna followed suit and scooted her ass a little closer than I wanted, but I let it go. “Those are all part of it, but it’s more so feeling your love grow inside you. Knowing I helped create the little bundle of joy that was in my tummy was miraculous. Feeling them kick and move around, I miss that, too. Now not being able to sleep, having to pee all the time, always being hungry— those I don’t miss. I want that again, though.” She laid her hand on top of mine and squeezed firmly.

  Oh, did she? Did she mean with me? She kept staring at my lips, then my eyes.

  Abort mission! What have I gotten myself into? And why the fuck did I trust Kylie, a chick who was in bed with Ryder?

  Thoughts of Cami poured in and I fought the urge to walk away. I hated dealing with the pain and regret in public. I wanted to be home, drinking my sorrows away. Cami never got to fully experience being pregnant. We never got to feel our sweet baby kick. I vowed to be there for her during the ups and down of pregnancy and was ready to take them on full force. I’d gone through the anger, despair, regret, loss, sadness, hate. Realizing that those moments were taken from us made me bitter toward those who got that chance. I knew it wasn’t rational, and that was why I wanted to go home so bad.

  “The band coming up next is pretty good, I hear. An up-and-comer,” I told her, changing the subject. She pulled her hand back into her personal space.

  I looked around the crowd and saw lots of young families. I thought I was ready for this. I thought about where we would take our child to as they were growing up. I’d want them to experience things firsthand, to be open to the world. Kids had such creative minds, they should be able to engage with their surroundings, not be stuck at home in a square room.

  I recognized one dad who walked by with his baby boy, asleep in his arms. I’d known him back before Cami and I started dating. I think they even dated at some point. He was very manipulative if you weren’t careful, so I wondered who he ended up with. It was sad that even jackasses like him could start a family and be happy, yet here I was, just getting back out in the dating game.

  It wasn’t fair. I knew it wasn’t, and that I should be working on taking steps forward, but being at this festival with a baby-hungry date and happy families all around was causing me to unravel, ever so slowly.

  After listening to the band perform for an hour, I mentioned how I had work early in the morning and should head home. I tried ending it on a decent note, letting her know I had a good time and would text her later. McKenna got Bailey’s cotton candy and we hugged goodbye before parting ways.

  Good riddance.

  Natalie had noticed within a week of our mishap that something was different with me and made it her goal to get me out of my funk. There was a honky-tonk just on the outskirts of town that had ladies’ night on Thursdays, and she made plans for a group of us to go. I’d never been to a country dance club and wasn’t sure what kind of dancing would be going on but went with it. Liquor and dancing? I could handle that.

  I packed a pair of jean shorts and a white button up shirt to change into after work, figuring that was as country as I got. Natalie left work early and picked me back up after she had changed at home. I was pretty sure she’d done this before— black button-down with bling all over, jeans with rhinestones on her ass, and some brown and turquoise cowboy boots. Oh, she also had on a decent-size belt buckle with a star in the middle, finished off with gems. I felt underdressed, to say the least.

  “Ready, hot stuff?” Natalie hollered as she swiped her badge to get in the locked front door. I told the other two girls that they could run home a few minutes early so they could get ready and just meet us there. I didn’t need too much preparation as I wasn’t expecting much out of the night.

  “I think so. How do I look?” I walked out from behind my desk and twirled around, showing her what I came up with.

  “That shirt makes you look like you’re sixty. What’s under it?” Natalie scrunched her nose in distaste.

  “Under? I have a tank top and bra?” I looked down, trying to remember which bra I put on today.

  “We can work with that. At least you’ve got a nice rack. Come ‘ere.” She pulled me into the employee bathroom and started unbuttoning my top. “Ah, ha! Bend over.”

  I looked at her suspiciously as I thought of all the crazy shit Natalie had done over the years. “No.”

  “Bend. Over! I don’t need your ass, I need your front.”

  “Oh, well, in that case!” I sarcastically replied.

  “Do you want to turn heads tonight?” I thought the question over and nodded slightly.

  “While bent over, pull your girls out so they look fuller on top.” She proceeded to do this to herself, and I noticed the difference immediately. “It works well when you’ve got a tank top keeping them in place. Now either you can pull ‘em out some or I can. You choose.” She stood in front of me, tapping her foot, as she waited for my response.

  “Too long.” She grabbed for the goods and I backed up against the toilet seat, plopping onto it in the process.

  “I’ll do it, alright? This isn’t what I’m used to, give me a break,” I mumbled as I stood back up, bending over, and pulling my tits up. When I stood up, I looked in the mirror and took note of how they looked a good cup or two bigger than my usual C cup.

  “No shit? That really works! Natalie, you are a boob genius!” Turning to the side, I took in the extra ‘oomph’ I now had. I felt confident and ready for a night out with the girls.

  Once we made it to the club, using the term ‘club’ loosely, we quickly met up with the other girls from work along with a few other new girls who I hadn’t met before. We had a high-top table and had to scream to talk to one another. I was pretty sure one of the girl’s name was Trudy, or Judy? And the other was a Mandy, Randy, Candy?

  “Let’s get drinks!” Natalie screamed into my ear.

  “Okay! You guys want anything?” I asked the table, but they either didn’t hear me or were excellent at being cold bitches. I shrugged my shoulders and caught up with Natalie who had started pushing her way to the bar already.

  “Whatcha want? My treat,” Natalie asked as we tried to maneuver to a closer spot so the bartender would actually notice us.

  “Hell, no. I’m buying tonight.” She worked for me. I knew what she made, which wasn’t a lot.

  “How about I get both you and your friend there a drink?” a deep, confident voice asked from beside me. Turning slightly, my mouth opened as I took in the fine beauty in front of m
e. Muscles bulging out of his black t-shirt, snug jeans showing his thick legs, and dimples that were irresistible.

  Well, hello there.

  “That’d be awful nice of you— ”

  “Jaiden. And you are?” He slid his arm behind me to motion me forward.

  “Uhh, I’m Aria. This is Natalie. She’s more wild than I am, but she’s married. So that leaves me.” What? What the hell am I saying?

  “Aria.” He thought for a moment. “I like it. Wanna dance?” He leaned against the bar while Natalie kept stepping closer and closer behind me, causing me to step closer to Jaiden.

  “I thought you were buying me a drink?” I asked nervously. I wanted to let loose, not be loose.

  “Oh, I am. I just didn’t want it to end there, Aria.”

  “I see. Look, I just got out of a relationship, and I’m not ready for this.” I patted his chest and was about to walk away. “Oh! Damn!” It was rock solid, and if I were to feel around, I bet I’d be able to trace where each muscle started and ended.

  He laughed at that. “Don’t worry. I promise not to flirt my way into your panties. But we can still dance, if you’d like.” He got our drink orders and followed us back to the table.

  “I call dibs!” I heard Andy (her new name since I had no idea what her actual name was) call out when she saw the sex-on-a-stick behind me. I giggled at her desperation. I understood it, but it was still damn funny.

  “Am I just some piece of meat, sweetheart?” Jaiden asked her, looking distraught.

  “Oh, uh, no? I just thought we could go have a dance and have some fun. I didn’t mean to— ” Andy kept rambling, but Jaiden cut her off.

  “I’m going to enjoy a dance here with Aria. I’m flattered, though. Enjoy, ladies.” He held his hand out and waited for mine in return.

  I was going to hell. I shouldn’t be enjoying this as much as I was. My mind kept wandering to where Tristen was and if Sutter had already moved on. Thoughts kept ping-ponging between the two of them, and I wasn’t being fair to Jaiden.